What Is Respect
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
What Is Respect
Might sound like a strange question...but I'm not sure what it is. The crisis therapist I talked to today told me that I needed to wipe the slate clean & get respect from this day forward. Let's see...I was raised by 2 people who constantly downgraded me & even today (I'm 50), they still take every opportunity to tell me how stupid I am or call me names. My 1st husband treated me like crap from day one. He used to sit in AA meetings & tell everyone "if you lived with "that", you'd drink to." My kids have always expected me to give of myself totally & get nothing in return. At the age of 8 my son chased his sister with a knife. The psychiatrist told me that he had no clue how to treat women, so what did I expect.
My ex now. He was the ONLY one who every treated me with respect. Never called me names. Listened to my opinions & was there when I needed him. He talked to me....never yelled. He held me, when that was all I needed. We discussed...we didn't rant & rave. He gave of himself to me & I to him. It was a two-way street. And that was the happiest time of my life, even though it only lasted 6 years. (Then he relapsed & that a different story)
Basically, I have no clue how to gain respect. I only know how to give & do & be there for everyone else. I have no clue what I like, what I want, who I am....and that's real hard for a 50 year old woman to have to say.
I do you get respect from 75 year old parents who know no other way. How do you get respect from anyone, when everyone is used to "good old Lynne". She'll do it. She'll take it. She'll understand.
Even my last job. It was small family-run business. And I trusted these people. They raved about the great job I did. And how much I got them organized. Then 3 weeks ago they told me they were thinking of selling the business & the new owner would take ALL the employees. Then he would only take one...their niece they hired a month after me when she lost her job. Then last Thursday, there was a check on my desk for 2 weeks pay. No note, nothing. I called my boss & she came in & explained that yes, they sold the business. The new office manager was coming in this week & they were only keeping the niece. She was sorry. I did a great job. And she even hugged me & thanked me for everything I did. I gave 100% to this company. Came in any time they wanted. Cleaned the office. Changed my schedule at their whim. All the while they keep thanking me for being so "agreeable & reliable". I was the ONLY one who came to work on time.
Then 3 days later, I find out they lied to me. And it hurt again. Once again I trusted someone & they were liars. So, who do you believe. Why should you believe anyone. Here I am....50 years old & there is NOBODY I can trust. Nobody to talk to & the one person who was there for me....has decided that drugs, booze & bimbos are the life he wanted to go back to.
It's not easy, starting over at 50. When you have absolutely no idea how to start.
Lynne
My ex now. He was the ONLY one who every treated me with respect. Never called me names. Listened to my opinions & was there when I needed him. He talked to me....never yelled. He held me, when that was all I needed. We discussed...we didn't rant & rave. He gave of himself to me & I to him. It was a two-way street. And that was the happiest time of my life, even though it only lasted 6 years. (Then he relapsed & that a different story)
Basically, I have no clue how to gain respect. I only know how to give & do & be there for everyone else. I have no clue what I like, what I want, who I am....and that's real hard for a 50 year old woman to have to say.
I do you get respect from 75 year old parents who know no other way. How do you get respect from anyone, when everyone is used to "good old Lynne". She'll do it. She'll take it. She'll understand.
Even my last job. It was small family-run business. And I trusted these people. They raved about the great job I did. And how much I got them organized. Then 3 weeks ago they told me they were thinking of selling the business & the new owner would take ALL the employees. Then he would only take one...their niece they hired a month after me when she lost her job. Then last Thursday, there was a check on my desk for 2 weeks pay. No note, nothing. I called my boss & she came in & explained that yes, they sold the business. The new office manager was coming in this week & they were only keeping the niece. She was sorry. I did a great job. And she even hugged me & thanked me for everything I did. I gave 100% to this company. Came in any time they wanted. Cleaned the office. Changed my schedule at their whim. All the while they keep thanking me for being so "agreeable & reliable". I was the ONLY one who came to work on time.
Then 3 days later, I find out they lied to me. And it hurt again. Once again I trusted someone & they were liars. So, who do you believe. Why should you believe anyone. Here I am....50 years old & there is NOBODY I can trust. Nobody to talk to & the one person who was there for me....has decided that drugs, booze & bimbos are the life he wanted to go back to.
It's not easy, starting over at 50. When you have absolutely no idea how to start.
Lynne
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think "respect" means to honor, and we begin by honoring ourselves and living with grace and honor.
If others treat us badly, we may feel sorry for them that they know no other way. If they honored themselves, they would honor others.
And we don't have to accept being treated disrespectfully. That was one of the first boundaries that I set..."I am worthy of respect and will not remain around anyone who disrespects me."
Healing the damage done by those who disrespected us begins within ourselves. An affirmation I use often is "I am a blessed child of God, worthy of love and respect." Try saying that several times a day and I'll bet it helps a little.
Hugs
If others treat us badly, we may feel sorry for them that they know no other way. If they honored themselves, they would honor others.
And we don't have to accept being treated disrespectfully. That was one of the first boundaries that I set..."I am worthy of respect and will not remain around anyone who disrespects me."
Healing the damage done by those who disrespected us begins within ourselves. An affirmation I use often is "I am a blessed child of God, worthy of love and respect." Try saying that several times a day and I'll bet it helps a little.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Lynne,
I think that you've just drawn yourself a road map to respect. You don't need us to answer that question, because you already know -- it's the complete OPPOSITE of how you've been treated.
Respect IS how you describe your ex's behavior. He also doesn't have a lock on that, by the way -- There are many, many non-addicts out there who will treat you with the same degree of respect, especially if you make it clear from the beginning that's all you will accept. Fix those good behaviors in your mind, and accept nothing less. Period. And be sure to give it too -- not "give" blindly as you always have, but give genuine respect. Men will be amazed.
Respect is the OPPOSITE of how your parents treat you. And if they will not treat you with respect, cut them loose and let them ruin someone else's day (and life). You have that ability and that right. Don't put up with it for another minute.
Respect is also the OPPOSITE of how your employer treated you. Unfortunately, just because someone has the money to start a business doesn't mean that they also have people skills. These people evidently knew how to keep you on the hook (they knew what a good deal they'd found) but didn't know how to follow through and treat you like a human being when they sold the business. Know that not everyone is like that. I'm a business owner and I would never in a million zillion years do something like that, nor do I know any fellow owners who would.
Respect is what you should have for yourself, for having survived all of this with intelligence and grace. Respect is what you've earned, and your words show it -- if you didn't think you deserved it, then none of these things would be making you angry now.
Get angry. Write it down. Demand better.
Take it from a former doormat who taught herself the same thing: it can be done, even in your 40s, 50s, or 80s. It begins with the realization that you deserve it, and you aren't going to accept less any more. AND YOU'RE ALREADY THERE. The rest is just baby steps.
And if you ever want a "respect cheering section" you just write me, lady. I know a couple of folks out here who would also be great in that role (Elana? Anvil? Dolly?)
We'll do it together.
Hugs, love, strength -- and RESPECT
GiveLove
I think that you've just drawn yourself a road map to respect. You don't need us to answer that question, because you already know -- it's the complete OPPOSITE of how you've been treated.
Respect IS how you describe your ex's behavior. He also doesn't have a lock on that, by the way -- There are many, many non-addicts out there who will treat you with the same degree of respect, especially if you make it clear from the beginning that's all you will accept. Fix those good behaviors in your mind, and accept nothing less. Period. And be sure to give it too -- not "give" blindly as you always have, but give genuine respect. Men will be amazed.
Respect is the OPPOSITE of how your parents treat you. And if they will not treat you with respect, cut them loose and let them ruin someone else's day (and life). You have that ability and that right. Don't put up with it for another minute.
Respect is also the OPPOSITE of how your employer treated you. Unfortunately, just because someone has the money to start a business doesn't mean that they also have people skills. These people evidently knew how to keep you on the hook (they knew what a good deal they'd found) but didn't know how to follow through and treat you like a human being when they sold the business. Know that not everyone is like that. I'm a business owner and I would never in a million zillion years do something like that, nor do I know any fellow owners who would.
Respect is what you should have for yourself, for having survived all of this with intelligence and grace. Respect is what you've earned, and your words show it -- if you didn't think you deserved it, then none of these things would be making you angry now.
Get angry. Write it down. Demand better.
Take it from a former doormat who taught herself the same thing: it can be done, even in your 40s, 50s, or 80s. It begins with the realization that you deserve it, and you aren't going to accept less any more. AND YOU'RE ALREADY THERE. The rest is just baby steps.
And if you ever want a "respect cheering section" you just write me, lady. I know a couple of folks out here who would also be great in that role (Elana? Anvil? Dolly?)
We'll do it together.
Hugs, love, strength -- and RESPECT
GiveLove
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Hi Lynne, my name is Kevin, I am an addict and have been clean for 22 months. I am 55 and have a long (25 years) history of drug abuse. I saw your question and the dictionary says respect is:
1. esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.
2. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
3. the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.
4. respects, a formal expression or gesture of greeting, esteem, or friendship: Give my respects to your parents.
5. favor or partiality.
6. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.
7. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.
For me respect had to start with me as after all those years I too had no respect for myself or others, or anything. To me respect means that I attribute worth to who I am, what I do and what I stand for without being egotistical. Then I can extend respect to others.
We all know what respect is; simply hold out your hand and look at it. See there all the disrespect you have known, now focus on an element of that, what it is and imagine the exact opposite. So if you you hate the way you look, bring into focus that you love your looks and yourself, actually feel it, thats an element of respect.
With much love and respect.
Kevin
1. esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.
2. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.
3. the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.
4. respects, a formal expression or gesture of greeting, esteem, or friendship: Give my respects to your parents.
5. favor or partiality.
6. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.
7. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.
For me respect had to start with me as after all those years I too had no respect for myself or others, or anything. To me respect means that I attribute worth to who I am, what I do and what I stand for without being egotistical. Then I can extend respect to others.
We all know what respect is; simply hold out your hand and look at it. See there all the disrespect you have known, now focus on an element of that, what it is and imagine the exact opposite. So if you you hate the way you look, bring into focus that you love your looks and yourself, actually feel it, thats an element of respect.
With much love and respect.
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Changing my thinking is possible but does not often happen overnight. One thing that I use to make sure I am being kind and respectful of myself is to think of how I would want a friend to be treated in whatever situation "I" am in. It's easier for me to see beyond the emotion that way.
In Alanon and in a bit of therapy I have learned to be own best friend- I learned that I am worthy having good friends...and won't settle to just 'be' someone's friend. Respect to me is something I try to do to honor God, who created me and gave me life. It means to love myself.
btw: imho 50 years old is the new "30" years old
Lots of us here are starting out or starting over in one way or another at this stage of life.
Go for it!
In Alanon and in a bit of therapy I have learned to be own best friend- I learned that I am worthy having good friends...and won't settle to just 'be' someone's friend. Respect to me is something I try to do to honor God, who created me and gave me life. It means to love myself.
btw: imho 50 years old is the new "30" years old
Lots of us here are starting out or starting over in one way or another at this stage of life. Go for it!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Lynne
I read your post and do believe that your therapist is right. Starting right now start demanding respect because you are a good person and you deserve it!
You know, Lynne, there are some people in this world who just know how to get respect. Mr. Dev is one of them. We were in the restaurant business for 35 years, and there wasn't one employee that didn't respect him both as a boss and as a man.
I think you have to earn their respect by first respecting yourself. Do not allow people to talk down to you, belittle you, berate you. Stop them right in their tracks! Stand up for yourself and let them know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate being disrespected by them or anyone else. You'll see how fast they will stop that behavior.
I worked a temp job once and the supervisor (trainer) told me in front of the entire training class that I would never make it and should leave the class. Instead I told her that I was still going to try. She insisted I wouldn't make it. One year later, after all the other girls that were in the class had been fired, I quit. I found that supervisor and personally told her I was leaving. She said, I have never know anyone so determined as you. I said, that's what it was too, pure determination because your training sucked! Gee that felt good as I walked away leaving her with her mouth open! LOL
Just because the boss didn't have the guts (for lack of a better word) to face you and tell you the truth, doesn't mean that you were not respected. In fact, maybe they didn't want to face you because they were feeling so guilty because you had been so loyal.
Don't give up on yourself or others. There are a lot of good people out there you just wait and see how many you're going to find.
As far as the job goes, just remember when one door closes another one opens. Everything is going to be just fine, I promise you.
Now, change your name from Blackrose to Sunflower! Then I'll change my name from Devastated to Happy Bottom ok?
Squeezes, Happy Bottom (alias, Devastated)
You know, Lynne, there are some people in this world who just know how to get respect. Mr. Dev is one of them. We were in the restaurant business for 35 years, and there wasn't one employee that didn't respect him both as a boss and as a man.
I think you have to earn their respect by first respecting yourself. Do not allow people to talk down to you, belittle you, berate you. Stop them right in their tracks! Stand up for yourself and let them know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate being disrespected by them or anyone else. You'll see how fast they will stop that behavior.
I worked a temp job once and the supervisor (trainer) told me in front of the entire training class that I would never make it and should leave the class. Instead I told her that I was still going to try. She insisted I wouldn't make it. One year later, after all the other girls that were in the class had been fired, I quit. I found that supervisor and personally told her I was leaving. She said, I have never know anyone so determined as you. I said, that's what it was too, pure determination because your training sucked! Gee that felt good as I walked away leaving her with her mouth open! LOL
Just because the boss didn't have the guts (for lack of a better word) to face you and tell you the truth, doesn't mean that you were not respected. In fact, maybe they didn't want to face you because they were feeling so guilty because you had been so loyal.
Don't give up on yourself or others. There are a lot of good people out there you just wait and see how many you're going to find.
As far as the job goes, just remember when one door closes another one opens. Everything is going to be just fine, I promise you.
Now, change your name from Blackrose to Sunflower! Then I'll change my name from Devastated to Happy Bottom ok?
Squeezes, Happy Bottom (alias, Devastated)
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
lol cmc I love that 30 and just starting - Thanks
You would make a great D&A counsellor see my reply in the Party Party thread.
Sorry bout the hijack, I give th thread back
Kevin
PS this 30 year old is listening to lots of early beatles and other 60's stuff on this sunny Sat Morning.
30 and just starting - Thanks You would make a great D&A counsellor see my reply in the Party Party thread.
Sorry bout the hijack, I give th thread back
Kevin
PS this 30 year old is listening to lots of early beatles and other 60's stuff on this sunny Sat Morning.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on the Ocean Blue
Posts: 272
Dear 50 and Fabulous Lynne! Now don't you feel worthy of taking some of this wonderful advice you got - Don't just say you are worthy write it down post if on the fridge carry a card in your purse make a bookmark with it on get goin girl - Sending (((HUGS)))
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