New to site but not to addiction
 

My 23yo son is an alcoholic and addicted to heroin and oxy's. He has stolen from lots of family members and doesn't know how to tell the truth. He becomes verbally and physically abusive, can't hold a job, has no money and no place to live. I only recently found out about the drug addiction. My heart is broken. He has been in court ordered 30day detox, many other detox's and a 1/2way house but never follows through. I live in a different state from him (partially due to his behavior). I always thought I could fix him or help him and I know now that I can't. How do I keep my sanity?? I just want to cry all the time. My husband seems to be able to turn off his emotions about it and doesn't want to talk about it at all. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock to when he was little. I have guilt wondering if it was something I did or didn't do while he was growing up. I guess I just need to be able to vent without being judged. Sorry to dump on you all.

Well, I am not a mom, but I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic home. Not a pretty story...they did nothing right for me, their child. Yet, I turned out ok, successful in my career and not an alcoholic or drug addict.

So, what I am saying is, you can do everything right and there is still a bad result.

Don't beat yourself up, you did the very best you could do.

He is an adult, he is making his owns choices you cannot fix him, this he has to do for himself.

Your hubby might be internalizing, everyone handles dis-appointment in a different way.

I know you are hurt, I feel your pain, and, I am sorry.

There will be mom's who will be responding and have more wisdom than I.

Welcome to SR! Sorry you had to meet us in this way, but you will find lots of people here to give you support. Please read the "stickies" at the top, especially "What Addicts Do". You didn't do anything wrong to make your son turn out like this. It just happened when he tried drinking/drugging. Some switch came on in his brain and said "Hey! This is great! Let's do it all the time, no matter what!". And then it was off to the races. Remember the 3 C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. If there are any Al-Anon meetings or Nar-Anon meetings in your area, please go to one as soon as you can. They will really help you. I am not a Mom, but I know that you must be feeling an immense amount of pain and anguish. There are lots of other Moms on here and I know they will be along soon to talk to you.
Hugs & Prayers
Sandy
PS About your husband's behaviour, a lot of men are like that: holding emotions in.

welcome to sr, sorry that you are in so much pain, there are a lot of wise and caring people here who want to walk through all of this with you. maybe you can start by reading the stickies at the top of the forum page. here we recommend the book "co dependant no more". its a good read. keep posting as much as you want. the addict in my life is my hubby. your so right there is nothing you can do to help your son, he has to want to do that for himself. maybe its time for you to take a step back and allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions, maybe he'll have to hit a bottom before he see the need to get serious about his recovery.

maybe its time for you to take the focus off him and turn it onto yourself. do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. maybe start a project or something, anything you can do for now to keep your mind occupied. its hard to do i know and i do understand. when i first came here i thought i was crazy, but they told me to do what i'm suggesting to you.

we also recommend alanon and naranon meetings, they help so much. i'm so sorry and i pray that your son will find his way soon. keeping all of you in my prayers.

Trying2
 

Welcome to SoberRecovery. You sure have come to the right place because here you'll discover that you are certainly not alone.

When I came here back in Nov. 2002, I was just a short putt from the edge. Now here it is 5 years later and standing firmly in the middle of that same mountain.

The addict in my life is my 44 year old son who is presently in prison, oops, just graduated to fire camp for the fourth time. Swear to God he's been in fire camp so many times he could be a fire chief by now.

Anyway it is very painful for us moms to go through this addiction stuff, but just remember it was nothing we did that made them turn to drugs. You could raise 10 kids and 9 can be great. It's just the luck of the draw I guess.
Even my son told me once his using wasn't my fault or because of anything I did wrong.

I always thought I could fix my son too. I did everything but turn blue for him and it didn't work. Nope, this is something that they have to fix themselves. The best way we can help them is by "butting" out and let them find their bottom! It is really difficult to stand by and watch that, but believe me the more you do for them the longer it takes for them to heal.

Love him by making sure he knows where he can find a rehab!

Take care of yourself! Incidentally, men just are built differently from women and are able to turn it off!

Hugs, Devastated

Hello Tryin, I am not wise but I care. I am sorry to meet you in these circumstances. You were probably the best Mother you could be so I would not even have that in your thinking. Your son makes choices all his own, and drugs unfortunatly happen to be a big priority. There is a huge amound of info for you that may answer some questions. The "sticky's" are a big help.

(((Hugs)))

Tryin, Welcome to SR. Another mom here. My addict is my only child, daughter 20. She is also addicted to opiates, heroin and oxycontin. I know that I was not the perfect mother when she was growing up, but I always loved her and she knew that. I may be responsible that she is spoiled, or that she has a stubborn streak or that she loves nice thing; but I am not responsible for her being an addict. She chose to fill that hole in her soul with drugs. She did not know that what she thought was the answer to her problems of growing up would become her problem. I tried to fix her. When that did not work, I wanted to give up. Then I decided to try something different. I found this site and started to read and listen and you know what I found. That I was not alone. That was and still is a good feeling. So stick around, read, post or just vent. We are here for you and I think that you will find that you will start to change whether or not your son does. Mom hugs to you, Marle

The first good step was realizing that you could not fix your son. Now take care of yourself. My 28 yr old son was on pills and coke. He is in a mission,halfway or homeless shelter with many rules to follow. We took him there and maybe he realized that he can not live with us. His girlfriend who has 2 young girls,told him he had to move out-no drugs with her kids around, she found him taking the drugs and kicked him out. So I hope he knows this is his last chance. This is good place to keep checking in. They have helped me alot and just knowing they are here when you need it is great. Good luck.

Tryin...I too, am a new member in this wonderful site. My son (20 yrs old) has had a cocaine, marijuana, and many other drugs problem for quite some time. We are currently awaiting a phone call from a 6 month drug rehab program. He was ordered by his probation officer to enter it. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulder when I found this site. Just knowing that you have people out there who understand...who've been down this road. Keep reading and posting...it really helps. I know exactly how you feel. You just want to sweep your child up and protect him...but you cant. I know now that it is all up to him to "want" to get out of this drug life. Know that you have friends here who will listen to anything you have to say. We all care.

welcome to S.R., so glad you found us.my son is an addict too.i use to blame myself & feel so guilty of his actions until i found this site & got into recovery.what helped me was the 3 c's...i did not CAUSE it,i can not Control it, & i can not CURE it. it is all theres to own.read all the stickys.learn to take care of you.there is nothing you can do for him.you are blessed to live in another state.please keep coming back. we r always here.i am saying a prayer for you & him & your husband.hugs,hope

Tryin,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. When I first came here, I was on the edge on sanity. In fact, I found this website by looking for help for my youngest son. I found out him, like his older brother was also an addict.
Lucky me, I found help for ME!

My first thought was what the heck did I do wrong, how can I fix it.
The answers to those questions took a long time to sink in, it was nothing I did, and there was nothing I could fix. (although I sure tried...LOL)

Something they say around these parts is the 3 C's:
You did CAUSE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
You can't CURE it.

It was nothing you did. Nothing.

Stick around,
keep posting,
Glad you found us....

Hugs,

It is so nice to hear from others that understand what I'm going through. It has been a long road with my son and I'm ready to take care of me and the rest of my family. I will be reading and going to support groups to help me find my inner strength. My other children deserve to have a strong mother! Thanks again for all the support. I think this site is just what I need.

Something in post really struck a note with me.

When both my kids developed active addiction, I took down their high school pictures from my desk at work. Instead I suddenly found comfort in pictures of them at 3 or 4 or as toddlers.

Then at one of the (multiple) family weeks I attended at the kids' rehabs, the speaker mentioned this taking down and replacing pictures, and I realized this was not uncommon amongst parents of addicts. This was one of the first 'bonding' things I felt... a similarity with other parents going through the same things as me.

It took me a few months, but at some point, I decided to start seriously attending Alanon... initially because I misunderstood someone and thought it would "fix" my kids... but finally because it was good for ME... it helped me stop the crying and praying and obsessing and...pain.

(((Hugs)))


Welcome to Sr.

nice to meet you, trying. i have a 22 year old daughter trying to recover from alcohol and cocaine addiction. alanon and private counseling really help me. and this site. so keep posting! blessings, k

I too have a son addicted to opiates. I thought it was my fault. Maybe I babied him too much, etc. We gave him so many chances to get clean, and he kept falling by the wayside. Finally had to throw him out of the house (I think it's been 5-6 weeks now). I can't believe it. I miss him so much, and when we first threw him out I cried every night. What I don't miss is the chaos his drug abuse caused around the house.

I believe he's been clean for the whole time he's been out of the house, but I'm still just living day to day, because he's been clean before. Hopefully, this time will be for good.

Just keep reading and posting. This site to me has really been a godsend.

Hugs.