Blackrose2756

I had another hard dose of reality today & need some input. My son is 18. He has his own room in my parents' home, he goes to Devry 4 mornings a week. He does nothing unless asked. And when he's home he's on the computer 24/7. I have been providing him lunch money & my parents give him gas money. And even when you ask something of him, he gives you a crappy look & does it.

Well, today, as usual Mom was helping him with his financial aid applications. (He can't do that) & I was looking at his email to find out whether or not the school got the information. My son knew I was looking at it. Well, I came across something I did NOT like. Seems he joined a chat room for "kinky" sex chat. And it kind of upset me. I asked my son what it was, he flipped out on me, told me to get the "F" off of there, he's changing his passwords because I can't mind my own "F" business.

My son had an abusive father who treated me like crap. My dad is verbally abusive to both my mother & myself. Both my parents treat me like I'm 2, stupid & wrong. My ex was abusive to women.

Basically, my son has been raised around abuse his whole life. And nobody ever treated mom like a person until my ex when he was clean & sober. And when I tell my son I want some respect, he tells me I don't deserve it because I lived with an addict.

I've been told for years that I let him run all over me. And I think it is because I feel guilty for the fact that his father abused him, & he did live through some of the abuse with my ex. And my father never liked him. (He wasn't "manly" enough for him)

Basically, I've been treated like crap for all but 4 years of my life (when my ex was clean & sober). The rest of the time I give & never receive. And I'm tired of being treated that way.

I went out & called my "hotline" therapist & he suggested that abuse needs to end NOW!!! If my son is old enough to be on a porn chat line, he is old enough to handle his own financial aid & deal with his school issues. He got $400 dollars back from his student aid & I asked him to use it for lunch & other necessities, since I get $145 a week unemployment & we are living off of my parents. I was going to handle his checkbook because I'm afraid he will go off & start smoking marijuana again.

I guess I'm really looking to find out if any of you agree with my therapist. And maybe that is why I can't let go of my ex who was the ONLY person who ever treated me with respect. (And I liked it. And it hurts that the only person who ever cared is gone.)

Lynne

thejunkyswife

You deserve respect, and your son deserves to be responsible for himself! I agree with yoru therapist! It sounds like you're financially strapped by yourself, and there's no reason to be paying a grown man's bills! If he needs more money, he'll find it (by getting a job).

I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm dealing with similar issues in my own life with my husband's addiction and unemployment, and I've found that the best way for me to protect my own sanity and financial security is to CUT HIM OFF. I pay the bills, but nothing extra for him.

parentrecovers

hey blackrose,

it is said here often but always worth saying again - don't do for the addict what they can do for themselves. he needs to learn accountability and responsibility. it will help him gain self respect. and allow you to take care of your own needs. by turning it over to him, it's a win/win for you and him. blessings - i understand how frustrating it is. k

hope213

i agree with your therapist. it is time he grows up.he can pay for whatever & needs to respect his mom. i am sorry for the pain you are in. you will not get respect un till you demand it.

mooselips

Blackrose,
Yep, I think it's time that fella grew wings and began to fly on his own!
But I think you already know that....


No more money, he's old enough earn his own way.


Hugs to you,

krhea75

It is so hard for us to set boundaries when we love our kids so much. We think by taking their crap we are being a good mom, but we aren't. We are teaching them that we don't deserve better. Let him hit bottom. Walk away and let him become responsible. I know how hard this is as I have a 21 year old I am stillworking on this with. I have taken away my support/help a bit at a time. At first it was hard, but when I saw how my life got easier I saw the reason for it. I'd like to say that he stepped up to the plate, but he really hasn't. But you know, it IS his life, and if he screws up he has to deal with it. Our attempt to keep them from failing just prolongs the inevitable. Better to learn now when they are young than later. Baby steps at first. Good luck
krhea

marle

Take it from a parent who used to do everything for my daughter, all of her applications for college, even went so far as to help her with college homework. If he wants it badly enough he will do it. I found out my daughter did not want it badly enough, it was me that wanted it for her. The more you do for him, the less he will do for himself. Yes, he may be angry with you. But you are not doing him or you a favor by doing all the things that he is capable of doing himself. If he verbally abuses you and takes advantage of you, maybe it is time that he finds his own place to live. Stand up for yourself now, because it will not get any better and might possibly just get worse. I am sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is. We want our children to love us and we try to make life too easy for them. Hugs, Marle

teke

sorry you are going through this, i agree with the others and your therapist. i know it hard not to do what you've always done, but i agree that in the long run, if he's allowed to continue to abuse you, he'll abuse somebody's elses daughter and someone else may not take it like you are taking it. i say that if he's old enough to disrespect you, then he should be old enough to take care of himself./

my 18 yr daughter, got herself in college full time, and went to work full time to stay there and she had a baby to take care of too. she stayed home with me and i helped with the baby but by the time she was 19 and decided that she didn't want to follow house rules, she had to go, she got her own place bought her a car and pays the note, and is still in school.

i htink that if he wants to go to school bad enough then he'll figure out a way to do it, i think that maybe its time now to take care of you and your needs.

Elana

I don't have any kids, so b4 I say anything I want to qualify that.

If your son, a young man at 18, can go to sex or porn sites, he can figure out a financial aid application, get a job and pay his own way.

I was not always a grateful teen ager, but my parents had no $$ for me to go to school, so I had to make it on my own. Well, it was different times... the late 70's but I figured it out.. I worked at any job I could get paid for. I had my own exterior painting contracting business.. I worked shoveling manure on a horse farm.. I pitched tons of hay.. I mowed lawns.. I never said I cannot and I paid my own way..

when I graduated college it was paid for in CASH and I had more $$ in the bank than when I started and I had my BA!!! I lived at home to do it. That was what my parents couild afford to help me with.. and BTW I lived by their rules in their house.

Respect was required or the door was right there. I never tested to see if they would put me out it.. as I was very aware of where money came from (hard labor).

Rose, not only do you deserve respect, you have EARNED IT.

This young man has learned to walk on people because they have allowed it. Time for the buck to stop here.. rules need to be laid down (they work like boundaries) and everything taken away.. cell phone, computer, TV etc. He wants them bvack he has to EARN them back... If he doesn't have a job, he ought to have one. If he can't afford to pay for college he needs a job and he needs to be responsible for his own applications. They are a pain. He will have to read them. College is all about figuring stuff out and those applications are the first lesson.

That is my suggestion. Or there is the door. He is 18 and old enough. You cannot control him if he chooses to use drugs anymore than you could control you x or anyone else.

I know this sound harsh and I don't want to be sounding mean to you.. I think you have enough to handle. It just makes me so angry when people are disrespectiful and try to hurt the people who love them, especially kids!

Fact is you have enough to handle without him being disrespectful. If he accuses you of living with an addict tell him, Yes, You lived with an addict. So did he. You don't now. Next topic.

(I did too. I am still worth respect same as anyone else!)

rose

I don't have any advice, as I am going through much of the samethings with my son's and I guess have much of the same feelings that you do...feeling guilt and sorry for what they have gone through..

But we both know that we don't deserve this...isn't it so deaming to give and give and get treated this way.

Rose