faithhopelovejr

I thought I was having a good day at work. I went to the tanning bed at lunch and got a call on my cell from my AH. He said he was at my work and just stopping by to say hello. Oh, and he got a 2004 truck last week. The one he was driving was totaled because he caused a wreck in December and got a DWI too! The insurance was supposed to cancel him effective April 1. Well so far, they haven't. If you will read in my previous posts, I filed for divorce, but don't want to be. He asked a few days ago if I'd gotten the divorce yet and I said no. He asked why not. So I got a date for the hearing yesterday. It's April 23. He doesn't know this. So he's not in recovery. Still using pills. And thinks that a divorce is what we need to do "right now" and that "WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS..." is what he says to me. This is truly driving my crazy. Why can't he just leave me alone? I am nuts about this man, but he's chosen drugs over our relationship, but thinks can still have a friendly relationship. He's having his cake and eating it too. It really puts my day in a tailspin when this occurs. Please give me some advice.

GwenMarie30

Is it possible for you to break contact with this man for good? Maybe change your cell phone number to begin with? And tell him when you see him that in no certain terms is he to come to your work or anywhere where your at? I dont know. This is just my own thoughts. It doesnt have to get ugly. Just tell him quietly that it is OVER, and to stop. I very much understand the position your in. Im sorry for your pain. If nothing else here is a hug from me to you, to make you feel a little better today. Try not to let him spoil your day. Try to pretend he didnt call.

parentrecovers

i agree with others, don't allow any contact. it isn't help you or the situation. it's difficult, but the best thing to do - for your SANITY. blessings, k

hope213

all addicts want there cake & eat it too. just keep taking care of you.hugs,hope

teke

i agree with you and the others, no contact, its your feelings thats at stake, why not wait until you are more emotionally able to talk to him. keeping you and your in my prayers.

BigSis

Yep, I am in with the others... he can only affect you as far as you allow him to affect you.

Turn off the phone... walk away when he shows up... avoid, avoid, avoid.

At some point, there won't be love... or hatred.... just indifference. I think that is when WE finally get some relief.

((hugs))

StarGazer6

I think I'm in a similar boat with you and the advice that everyone is giving you- don't answer the phone! My ex just had a crack relapse this week and he came over late last night unannounced (no phone call to avoid in the first place) and I let him crash on my couch but I'm at work and I saw that he just tried to call me (no message though) I'm scared, what if he breaks into my house while I'm gone? Anyway, I don't want to call him back. Just last week before his relapse he said the same thing your ex h did about not knowing what the future holds. They expect us to wait for them indefinitely..in this situation it is SO UNFAIR. I think you're doing the right thing..I know it hurts (I cry nearly everyday after 3 months of being broken up but when I saw him a wreck last night it's temporarily taken away my tears). If he really wanted to change, he would not have let it get to the point of getting a divorce (IMHO). And when you said "I do" I'm sure that this is not what God would want you stick through...he's hurting you and maybe he's just pushing you away first b/c he knows that you deserve better...looking back I think that's what my ex did..he was slipping badly and didn't want to get rejected so he rejected me first (this was before I knew about the crack). I think they drift away so that they can just be high in peace. To them, it's too hard to change so they want the least amount of hassle in their lives that will push them to be better...especially from a guy's perspective coming from their woman, it's probably humbling, since our society engrains in their head that they should overall be taking care of us. Drugs control them above everything and everyone...it does suck but I think that later you will be thankful that you got out when you did, even if you don't feel it's what YOU want right now. You only get one life to live and limited time here on earth...do what's best for you!

dollydo

You are getting divorced, it is not the end of the world. If he ever gets himself back together, you can, if you want to, re-explore the relationship.

For now, I agree with the others, no contact. You are not doing anything positive for you by keeping the lines of communication open. He left you when he became addicted, now it's time for you to move forward, let go.

I wish you the best, life is a song worth singing, sing it!

Blackrose2756

Don't answer the phone. Easier said than done. As far as his comments to you.....they sound SO reasonable when they are still using. He's trying to sound, mature, adult, reasonable.......why would anyone divorce a man THAT wonderful??? They will make you think the grass is blue & the sky is green if you let them.

Lynne

Elana

My XABF told me he was leaving and at the time I was really broken up about it. I asked him to stay twice. Decided not to ask again and I told him, "If you go out that door it will NOT swing back the other way." I absolutely meant it too. He said he was "shocked" at how I was "handling this" and all he wanted was some "space."

Space is something you get when you are 18, not when you are 52 and said you wanted to help find and buy a house. I am paying for it on my own and I am fine. If I am not I will get a second job.

I did not let him back in and tho I wanted to I kept my head and did not ask him either. When I found out about the married GF he had been seeing for 6 months before up and announcing he was leaving, I was glad he was gone. He can never come back.

He is now in dire financial straits. I predict he will be on the street by August. I have been right so far. We have no contact. I feel absolutely great. I am sorry for his choices but he wanted to cheat and do drugs and use me. He got 2 out of three which were the first two not the last one and aren't bad odds for getting what you want in life.

He also wanted to stay friends. Yeah. Right. He wanted to keep me on the hook so when things got bad he could use me and get back here in financial and health benefits safe land and continue to cheat on the side!!!!.

I don't think so.

No contact and every day it just gets better.

duet_4-8

Absolutely the only thing that worked for me was to say 'no contact' and then follow through with that-whatever it took. At this point EXAH is awaiting a May 9 court date on multiple charges of contempt for ignoring a restraining order, and possibly facing jail time.

And it is, or course, all my fault.........quack, quack, quack.

But I, like Elana above, feel better everyday.

Mavis

AHHHHH!!! "Cake and having it too"!!!!!

Those are the exact words I was thinking about yesterday! My AH is still using, and who is he to think he can do that crap and be married to me!

I have no advice for you.. but it sounds to me like you are doing well! I think he is just trying to play the reverse game with you. "Act like you don't care even though he does". Either way, he is not a teenager and should not be playing those games.

Turn your phone off for a few day's. Or adleast when you don't feel like talking to him.

Hugs

rose

Again...what has been said before...no contact...zippo none...even if there was no chaos emotionally it brought me down, I could not get move forward with him involved.

He sounds like he is on a high right now, knew truck and all...that will only last so long and he will coming crashing down.

I like what Dolly mentioned...it is what helped me look after me...at this time I am getting a divorce and if it is ment to be and he cleans up we can always look at a relationship again, but for today it is just not working.

Rose

faithhopelovejr

You people are WONDERFUL! I have dished out advice from my own experiences with AH. I hope that I am as helpful and inspiring as you people have been to me!

Update: I was having a teenager crisis with my 13 year old daughter. She's a good girl, but I just need to make sure she stays that way. So I suspected that AH's daughter (my stepdaughter) would be able to answer a question I had about the crisis, and I also wondered if the reason my AH called a few weeks ago and used the excuse that he "missed my daughter" was because he was aware of this situation too, and was concerned (in his own way). So when I called him last night to inquire about his knowledge, he said he had none, but that he was concerned about the situation. He asked me to please call him back and update him. I didn't call him back...he called me. As he was dishing out the concern, blah blah blah, and how if I wanted him to, he would come get her and talk to her, etc., I HEARD SOMEONE COUGH IN THE BACKGROUND. I asked who was there? He said we're talking about your daughter right now. That put me over the edge. That sorry SOB was sitting there carrying on a conversation with me about my daughter while some skank was sitting in the background taking it all in. Well from a female's standpoint, I think she coughed on purpose. I told him that he was very insulting to me and that I have been dealing with his crap SOBER, while he kicks up his heels and goes on. I said you have no business telling me you are concerned about my daughter when you showed no concern with disappointing her with your choice to continue popping pills and then leaving. I said what makes you think she will "open up to you?" And then the parting comment that I think I've said in a million languages...You seem to think we can be casual friends. No, we cannot. You promised to love me forever and take care of me. You broke that promise. It's either all or nothing with us. That means choose pills, or choose me. He of course got on the defensive and started quacking. I finally just hung up. I know that probably gave him and the enabler (skank in the background) something to talk about. It nausiates me because I know how convincing he can be to the unknowing. Well I guess I may be rambling, but I actually feel ok. Still very irritated, but my heart is a little better.
I hope everyone has a lovely Saturday night!

dollydo

You don't need to call him, others can help with your daughters problem. You are creating much of the problem yourself by calling him and answering his calls.

This is not a healthy thing for you to do, it is just dragging you further into the quicksand. He is gone, he has moved on, time for you to do the same, move on.

Many people above have suggested no contact, please take their suggestion to heart...for you.