Violet Brown

I don't post here often, but I just need to get this off my chest.

Tomorrow is AH's birthday. He works out of town and normally would be at work today/tomorrow, but has a management course to take in town tomorrow so he's scheduled to be here tonight and tomorrow.

Did I mention he's a crack user? He's a very high functioning one - has a good job, nice house etc etc. I'm meeting with lawyers next week to help get me started on the road to separation, but that's another story.

Anyhow, I know he's not coming home tonight and will likely rush in the door tomorrow morning half an hour before he's got to be at work to put on his suit. I'm fine with that. That's his business. If he wants to live his life that way, more power to him. I'm not going to try to stand in his way. I'm a stay at home mom and have to make and bring a snack to 25 hungry toddlers tomorrow morning, and that's what I'm focusing on.

So my AH just called me and asked me to bake him a birthday cake. I don't want to bake him a cake. I've got other things to do. Plus I know he won't be here to eat it anyhow. I'm trying to lose weight and the last thing I need is an entire cake in my kitchen. I told him I wouldn't even begin to bake a cake unless he was physically in the house. Of course he got really angry, told me "he's done with that stuff" (quack quack quack) and hung up the phone.

So I'm trying really hard not to feel like I've somehow done something wrong here, but for some reason I feel like I'm the nasty one because I won't bake my husband a birthday cake.

INLOVEWITHCH

I would not feel that way at all. I think I would have said that same thing. Hey, a suggestion might be to go and buy him A cupcake. That way you don't have to have a whole cake in your kitchen. Tell him the cupcake symbolizes the quality of the marriage.. a good marriage = a nice cake, a marriage in shambles = a cupcake. If he wants a wife.. he has to be a husband.

teke

try not to feel too bad, i don't think you asked too much, only that he be there with you while you make him a cake? in my opinion, let him make it himself..........kinda just kidding.

no i don't think you've done anything wrong, you already have a lot to do. i think that maybe you should only do what you are comfortable doing, its don't always have to be all about him, do you think? what about how you feel and all you have to do for the kids.

anyway, try not to pay that too much attention, tempter tantrums are common with addicts when they don't get things their way. he has a right to be angry if he wants about whatever he feels like being angry about, but its up to you to let his anger effect you and mess with your day. sorry, i thinks that its good if you don't cater to him if you don't want to, it says to me that you are thinking about yourself first, and thats always good to me.

kj21

Thats funny!!! a cupcake...lol

Violet Brown

Thanks for the feedback. Sometimes it's hard to stay grounded, especially on days when I know he's going to use. I think I'll even forget about a cupcake, though - I know I'll feel resentful if I even spend one cent on getting him something. It's not like he did anything for my birthday (it was just a couple of weeks ago), so I shouldn't do anything for his.

GiveLove

Violet,

But you're NOT refusing to make him a cake. You offered to make him one if he was physically there at the start, when the flour starts to fly. That's too much to ask?

Not a d*mn thing wrong with that, in my humble opinion.

Here is my birthday gift to you:



A nice vacation on the beach, sipping those drinks with the paper umbrellas in 'em.

Have fun!

GL

hope213

you gave him the right answer,just not the one the addict wanted to hear. stick to your grounds & don't do a thing you do not want to do.welcome to S.R.i am not sure if i have met you.

duet_4-8

You did nothing wrong, Violet. Take care of you and the kids and don't let him spoil your plans. Don't give in to the guilt trip. He is a big boy. You didn't refuse to bake him a cake, anyway, you just refused to do it if he wasn't there.

Just food for thought.......

My EXAH used to ask me to do things like that, knowing that I would not do them, and then he would get mad and say I was not treating him right, I was being a bad wife. Then he would storm out and go use (or not come home).

And when the using episode was over and he was ready to come home, guess whose fault it was that he was using????

You got it-it was mine.

Round and round and round we go..........

Violet Brown

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and gifts, and yes - it will be my fault that he's using because I "ruined" his birthday by not making a cake. It's so nice to vent here because you've all been in the same place.