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Please help this mom....

Old 04-10-2007, 09:45 PM
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Smile Please help this mom....

I'm so glad I found this website. I've been walking around my house with heavy heart. My 20 year old son has to enter a rehab facility...more than likely 6 months or longer. He was attending group drug classes and they tested him and he came up positive for cocaine. He was almost completely through his program and now this. He has been on a downward spiral for about 2 years now. He's a hard worker, talented, handsome and yet cant seem to say no to cocaine. It has caused him nothing but problems. This will be his second rehab stay. The first was only 28 days and he was doing wonderful for months. Now, his probation officer is sending him elsewhere. Maybe I should be thanking her. Maybe this will change his life. It's still tough to let your baby go even if he is 20. I'm saying my prayers every night. For him and for myself to get through this heartache. Please tell me he's gonna be ok. Thanks...
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Old 04-10-2007, 10:03 PM
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Welcome to SR!
I am a mom of an addict and understand what you are going through. I'm glad you found this website too, it's a great place! I came here just over a year ago and you will soon come to know many great folks.

Last edited by Anna; 04-11-2007 at 09:05 AM. Reason: added a link
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Old 04-10-2007, 10:06 PM
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I will say a prayer for you and your son. God is in control and will take care of your son because He loves him. God knows your sons every need.
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Old 04-10-2007, 10:07 PM
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*hugs*

Welcome!

I will keep you and your son in my prayers. I wish I had magic words to take away the pain but I will say that as long as there is life there is hope.
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Old 04-10-2007, 10:11 PM
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Originally Posted by puddinface View Post
I'm so glad I found this website. I've been walking around my house with heavy heart. My 20 year old son has to enter a rehab facility...more than likely 6 months or longer. He was attending group drug classes and they tested him and he came up positive for cocaine. He was almost completely through his program and now this. He has been on a downward spiral for about 2 years now. He's a hard worker, talented, handsome and yet cant seem to say no to cocaine. It has caused him nothing but problems. This will be his second rehab stay. The first was only 28 days and he was doing wonderful for months. Now, his probation officer is sending him elsewhere. Maybe I should be thanking her. Maybe this will change his life. It's still tough to let your baby go even if he is 20. I'm saying my prayers every night. For him and for myself to get through this heartache. Please tell me he's gonna be ok. Thanks...
We can't do that PF, but you can take a lot more ownership in your own well-being by coming to terms with the uncertain course of addiction. It's a process, but it can be done by talking with and learning from other embattled moms in the same trench as you.

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Old 04-10-2007, 11:48 PM
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dear Puddin,
I am a mom of an addict and I also went through a 12 months program way back when, There are so many ways to get clean and sober and just as many ways to support our kids. One thing that really helps me is '" the language of letting go" by melody beatty. It's a warm and loving reminder of how important we are but it also is my reference guide when I feel like you do, or when I just don't know what to do, think, feel or say.
Grief is a very natural bi-product when a big change like yours is going on. Nothing wrong with those feelings at all. I also think long term programs are like a time out. At least it was for me. I needed off the merry go round and a 28 day program wouldn't have worked at all. Take good care of yourself.
Leslie
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Old 04-11-2007, 04:52 AM
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welcome to sr, i'm glad you found us too. there are a lot of caring understanding mothers, and others, who want to walk through all of this with you, you are not alone here. my husband and i both are recoverying addicts. yes it can be done, but it will depend on the choices that your son makes for him self, there is not much more that you can do to help him. now maybe its time for you to take the focus off him, he's in good hand. turn the focus onto yourself and begin to do what you can to take care of you.

it is suggested here that you attend at least 6 alanon or naranon meetings for you, find one that suites you, they are very helpful in learning coping skills, also the book "co dependant no more"/ melody beatty is a good read. keep posting and reading here. keeping you and your son in prayers.
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Old 04-11-2007, 05:13 AM
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The most hopeful part of your post was "6 months or longer"

I am a believer in long term...my son did numerous 28 day programs in addition to multiple out-patient programs...

he was a chronic relapser...
sometimes he'd manage to stay clean weeks (once months) but mostly he relapsed within days of release....

he overdosed and needed paramedics to revive him...

now my AS is my RAS he lives in a christian recovery house....has been there (and clean) for 11 months...

during that time there have been triggers (mentally and physically) that might have led to relapse if he was outside...he is still learning the tools he'll need to live life drug free

don't despair over the words "long term"....they may be the words that save your son's life
prior to this facility I despaired over the insurance words..."treatment denied"

treatment offers hope...
you and your son are in my prayers
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Old 04-11-2007, 05:40 AM
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Welcome to SR! I am not a Mom, but know it must be a lot of pain to see your child suffer and make bad descisions. THere are lots of other Moms on here that can give you good insight.
Hugs & Prayers!!
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Old 04-11-2007, 05:43 AM
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As the mother of an addict, I feel your pain and just want to welcome you also.

This rehab is a good thing and may save your son's life. I don't believe they ever "fail" as long as they can still keep trying.

Prayers for both of you, that this will be a new beginning of a better life.

Hugs
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Old 04-11-2007, 05:45 AM
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My daughter is my addict. She is 20 and currently lives with her 37 year old crack addicted boyfriend. She does not work, does not have any kind of life except that which he provides for her, which includes all the drugs she wants. With that kind of setup, I don't see her wanting help anytime soon. So I have had to learn to take care of me. Your son is getting the help he needs, whether he wants to stay clean and learn the tools necessary to stay clean is up to him. No one can make him want it. Just like his addiction is his responsibility, so is his recovery. Unfortunately many addicts think that they have one more time in them. Some don't make it back. But a lot of them do. There is hope for your son. There is nothing I pray for more than to have my daughter get arrested and be given long term rehab as an option to jail time. Maybe it won't stop her, but at least she would not be out there killing herself with drugs. Stay strong. Your son is in a good place for now. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:10 AM
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I too have a 22 year old handsome, well liked son who is an addict. He has been using for, I think, well over 2 years now. I was so thankful for this site. I think the longest he ever stopped using was about 2 months. This past summer he swore he'd never use again. He wanted to go back to college and have a career. But it didn't last. Finally, after putting up with his lying and stealing for so long, we had to kick him out of the house. That was one of the most painful things I ever had to do. I felt like I was putting my little handsome boy out on the street with nothing but a bag and the clothes on his back.

Now he is living with a friend and his dad, and has just gotten a part time job and has been clean for over a month. Hopefully, his being clean will last forever this time.

There is hope for your son, as Marle said, and you will find alot of help here. Please keep posting and again welcome to SR.
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:26 AM
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I think pretty much the same way as lil, long term is usually much better than 28 days. 28 days for any type of recovery is just getting started, hopefully this will be the thing he needs to kick his habit. It will go by faster than you even realize. He'll be in a place where he has to take care of himself and deal with his issues.
Your at a great place also, keep posting there are some wonderul people here who will help you along the way.
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Old 04-11-2007, 06:34 AM
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Welcome
There are many parents here who can share their stories and help YOU to cope with your son.
Right now the only person who you can help is YOU and by helping you, you will really be helping you son to deal with HIS addiction. It sounds weird in the beginning, but it does work. Meetings are great, and you realize you are not alone in this. Posting and reading here will help you. You are not alone, anymore.
My addict is my 21 year old daughter.
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Old 04-11-2007, 07:49 AM
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Marle..thank you so much for your kind words. The funny part is that my son knew that he was getting drug tested on a weekly basis. He knew that there was a possibility that he would have to enter a long term program or jail. And yet..he still continued to do drugs. I think this is when I really realized that he is addicted. What scares me is that he doesnt fear consequences. Or maybe he's thinking long term programs are his only way out. I'm really scared for him. Thanks again.
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Old 04-11-2007, 07:57 AM
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Welcome Puddinface.... (((Hugs)))

Both my kids are addicts, both attended rehab, but my daughter's path has been the toughest in some ways.

She was in and out of rehab for almost all of 2004 and the first part of 2005. She started when she was 17 and, like most using addicts, had the maturity of a 14 year.

At 20, a child is an adult and should be able to make his way in the world.

When I was told that my kid should be able to make her way in the world and behave like an adult, I bristled - she was SOOO young! But the ones who told me that were right.

I had taken on the responsibilities for my daughter, who I thought of as "disabled". In doing that, I kept her right where she was ... "disabled". I stole from her almost every opportunity to grow and mature by taking away the consequences for every poor choice she made.

Today I know better, so I do better.

But rehab, especially if he can stick it out for 6 months, is an excellent place for a young adult to learn about taking responsibility for his own actions. A good followup for both my kids when they came out of rehab, was an Oxford House (a sober living arrangement - you can put the term "oxford house" in any search engine). That kept my kids from coming home and slipping right back into being taken care of ... and kept me from slipping right back into the "caretaker" mode.

Alanon helped me very much while my kids were in rehab. I hope you can find some face to face meetings as soon as possible.

(((hugs)))
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:02 AM
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welcome, puddinface - very nice to meet you. my daughter is 22 and has been in the treatement/recovery process since last sept - alcohol and cocaine addiction. i'm glad your son is getting the help he needs. it's difficult for younger people to make the commitment i think, without the guidance. alanon and private counseling help me. blessings, k
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:06 AM
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BigSis...You are so right! As a matter of fact...when my son was in his 28 day rehab program, I went to a family meeting and they told us that we were "enablers." Well of course at first I was confused. I thought an enabler was someone who provided the substance. Then they explained...when you love someone and provide them a home, and money and love and all that...it enables them to continue using. Basically it keeps them safe to continue what they are doing. I hope I understood that correctly..LOL. Thanks again.
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:11 AM
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Welcome, puddin!
You are definitely in the right place. And I agree with Lil...long term treatment is the best part of your post. I was wondering, from your second post, was that his decision...to make it long term? If so, that's the best news you could want. That means he really wants to quit!
So many times my son would do a short stay in rehab, (for us, not for him) and then come out and use the same day. A month is just not long enough.
He's clean now and living in a sober home, where he plans on spending AT LEAST a full year. Many of the guys have been there 3 or more years, one even for 10 yrs.
There ARE alot of success stories here too, and long term rehab is really the best news you could have right now.
Now, how about you? You're scared and hurting and need to get help for yourself, too. Do you have any Nar-Anon groups in your area? Also, read through all the "sticky posts" at the top of the page. There's alot of help right there...for YOU!
In the meantime, keep posting! Sending out prayers for you and your son.
****{hugs}} SM
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:12 AM
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I feel so happy right now inside. I finally have people I can talk to about this. I have some friends but I dont think they really understand what it's like. I always feel like maybe people look at me as though maybe I didn't do a good job as a mother. I know that I did everything humanly possible to help my son. The love..support..hugs...everything. I tried. I know it's his choices that have him in this situation. I know it's not my fault. Thanks!
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