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Co-dependant? ME?!

Old 04-10-2007, 09:15 PM
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Co-dependant? ME?!

Living back with my Mother has really opened my eye's to Co-dependancy. I finished reading "Co-dependancy No More" and now I look at her differently.
I look at myself in the mirror and think "Now you know how you got here"

My Mother was Married to an Alcoholic (my Father) for 18 years.
I was alway's so scared of my Father. He was a violent Alcoholic. He through things down the hall, smashed what ever that was in the way of him and did alot of yelling and swearing.
Just a few years ago, he showed up at my work (a Casino) so hammered that he had to be removed by Security. (how embarassing) Till this day the man still drinks. I told him I was going back to school in 2 weeks, and it diddn't even phase him. He did sip his vodka though.

I remember my mother growing up. My Father would be in a rage, and my Mother diddn't do anything. (She was probably scared herself) One time, he put my head into the coffee table when I was 7. He was helping me with my homework and I couldn't concentrate because the alcohol on his breath was overwhelming, and all she did was look into the living room and ask "what happened?" as I ran up the stairs crying.

She divorced him when I was around 10 or 11. Never dealt with Co-dependancy issues. Maybe they never had a name for it back then. But the woman is Co-dependant today in so many ways its scary. Now I know why I am here. I realize I come from a long line of "Co-dependancies". My Grandmother was married and phsically abused by her Husband. He pushed her down the stairs when she was 6 month's pregnant, and went into labour. My Mother was 3 month's premature.

I can't help but feel some anger in me. This was the best my Mother and Father could do?! on the other hand, the guilt is tearing me apart. I chose a drug addict for my precious Son's Father?

I love my Mother for taking my Son and I in to get our lives together. I love her dearly. No one in the world could ever replace her.

Good note, I left the book on the coffee table and she asked me if she could read it! (God please make her read it!) lol

My biggest dream it to make it stop here and now! I don't dare think about years from now and still acting the way I do now... I don't ever want' to be with another addict again!!! I have lived this way for too long! Time to be a "Jones" and stop acting like one!

Good night everyone. Thank you for letting me release it all.
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Old 04-10-2007, 09:27 PM
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((mavis))

It is a learning process... understanding who we are and where we came from. I was angry with my mother for a long time, but now I can look at her - the QUEEN of denial - with compassion. She's doing the best she can. Perhaps your mother will read the book ... perhaps she'll learn something new about herself.

Don't be too hard on yourself. YOU were doing the best you could at the time, too. And now, armed with more knowledge and recovery, you are making changes in your life. Hopefully the cycle will stop or at least change a bit with you.

One day at a time. That's how we do it!

Hugs
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Old 04-10-2007, 09:30 PM
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mavis, you r getting stong in your recovery.that is good.don't be to hard on your mom, just hope she does read the book & maybe you can talk to her.you are right,back then we did not have the resourses we do today. things were pushed swept under the rug so to speak.things just were not talked about like they are today.the world has changed alot since my kids were really little,very different than today.i wish i had of had someone to talk to,advise me, meetings & ect. when i was 1st married to my kids alcoholic fathers. i am really proud of you & your reccovery.you are shining. hugs,hope
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Old 04-10-2007, 09:35 PM
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((((((((Mavis))))))))))

I come from the same long line....

I'm proud of ya for wanting to turn things around for yourself.
You deserve greatness. Don't settle for less.

Hope your mom loves the book.
Wish I would have been able to "help" my mom more.
oops! codian slip.

many prayers,
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Old 04-11-2007, 04:40 AM
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glad to see you working on making your life better, i too came out of a codependant home, it wasn't until my latter yrs in addiction that i discovered codependancy, so i think that you are doing good, and i glad that you can now see your mother in a different way. keep going and more will be reveiled
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Old 04-11-2007, 05:06 AM
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My biggest dream it to make it stop here and now! I don't dare think about years from now and still acting the way I do now... I don't ever want' to be with another addict again!!! I have lived this way for too long!
The good news is that we CAN stop the cycle of Codependency. It begins with us understanding how we became this way and learning a new way of thinking, behaving and learning to take very good care of ourselves.

I grew up in a home where there were no drugs or alcohol. Substance abuse had no part or influence in my life. But as loving as my home was, emotions were not expressed, nobody talked about their feelings or problems. My father died when I was 6, my mother was almost murdered a year later (freak thing, crazy person got in our house), and I was sexually abused by a babysitter around the same time. My mother, doing the best she knew how, felt that if we didn't talk about the sadness, the fear and the abuse that it would be forgotten. It was never forgotten by me, just internalized and stuffed very deep and only through recovery was I able to bring these issues out and deal with them in a healthy manner.

We can't change the past, but we can examine it and learn from it and recognize the profound affect it had on us. Through recovery we can look at th pain and walk through it and then leave it in a safe place where we don't have to revisit it again.

We can't predict the future, it's just not ours to know.

We can live in today, wiser because of the lessons of the past and protect ourselves with coping tools to handle whatever the future brings.

Good for you for seeing this and making a decision that it will stop today, that the cycle will end with you. It will take work but the person you become through recovery will be a shining example for your children and all who know you. I hope your mother reads that book. Maybe invite her to a meeting so she can see that she is not alone and that she too can learn to deal with what life has brought her. That choice will be hers, but I believe that you have shown her a window through which she can see more clearly.

Prayers for all of you. It isn't pretty what codependency can do, but there is hope for a brighter day today and for healing and lessons that will help you forever.

Hugs
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Old 04-11-2007, 05:45 AM
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Wow Mavis, Sounds like you've been working hard on your recovery. I hope that you continue ot have more insights on the why of how you got to wher eyou are and then continue on a stronger path.
Peace.
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Old 04-11-2007, 07:00 AM
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We can stop ths cycle one day at a time.
We just do it until it becomes a good habit.

(((Mavis))))
thank you.

My Father was not an alcoholic but he would also swear and throw things. He was spoiled and my co dependent Mother supported it by being doco depedent cuz she was afraid he would leave her with 3 kids and no means to make a decent living or support us (her Father was also somewhat violeint, not an alcoholic and did nto think girls should be educated because men made the living).

He never did anything so violent to us, but he did spank us and used his belt over out butts a few times (not real hard.. no marks).
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:00 AM
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(((Mavis))))
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Old 04-11-2007, 10:00 AM
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Mavis,

Good for you, girl.

I can tell you this: my fury over the way my co-dependent (especially female) family members were treated has fueled my commitment to stopping the familial cycle HERE and NOW. It's part of my life's work and I don't compromise any more. In fact, I find my hackles going up whenever I'm approached by someone who expects me to take that role. I take that anger as a good sign

It all stops with me. And you. Fooey on the guilt!!! You have removed your son from that environment, as difficult and dangerous as it was to do. You have become a warrior for him now, and you should be proud, not guilty. Heaven help whoever might try to drag him into a life of pain.


((((Mavis))))))

GL
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Old 04-11-2007, 01:30 PM
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Mavis,
When I finally completed my 4th step last year, (it took me almost a year...) I also did a "Family of Origin" study on my own. It was quite interesting.

I copied this if you're interested:

Family of origin work typically looks at the family you were born into and your parents' background.

Family of origin work can help individuals to:

understand their origins and learn from the past, so that they will not perpetuate unhealthy patterns, either in themselves or in their own family;
understand the consequences of wrongs that were done to them;
break free from the past;
detect generational issues and deal with them;
detect and deal with the roots of bitterness/resentment;
deal with any unresolved guilt; and
improve extended family relationships.

Hugs,
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Old 04-11-2007, 04:31 PM
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I laughed when I saw the title of your thread because I was thinking of posting with just that title today. I am finding myself rejecting the "codependant" label...like I won't even read information that says stuff about being codependant. Clearly, it has NOTHING to do with ME! I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT woman, and NOT CODEPENDANT AT ALL. Just because I keep marrying addicts and thinking that I will cure them with my magical vagina--just because I keep tabs on my husband's every move---just because I hate to sleep without him---that doesn't make ME codependant?!
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Old 04-11-2007, 08:35 PM
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It really hit me the other day. Suddenly I felt so "Text book" I came from an alcoholic home, and married into almost the same situation.. something I alway's told myself I would never do. And here I am. Huh. Nothing about my marriage feels real. Everything I am going through.. soooo many other's are aswell. Even down to how he takes so long to pee! Some situations I laugh at, but others hit home.

I believe looking back at where we came from growing up, can really help us grow.
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