bren38

Ever since my rah went into rehab all the way up until just yesterday, I had asked him if he took money, or sold any of our possessions for his drug habit. Last night and every other time I asked he told me no.. he would never do anything like that. Well that gut wrenching feeling that I always get was there which is why I continued to ask these questions. I told him last night I wanted him to print out his account from work which would show if he traded any of our stuff there. He came clean today and admitted to taking money and trading our 4 wheeler that he was supposed to be fixing up for the kids. He claims that it was because his conscious was bothering him and he didn't want any more lies. After thinking about it I have to wonder if he just didn't know I was going to find out when those statements from work were printed and he came clean to save his a#*!

Meanwhile I am here at home selling things I love to help support us and keep us ahead so that he can be in rehab and get help. It was a sacrafice worth making knowing that he was doing his part and that even though he got low he didn't take from us.

He comes home in a week and just lied again. He claims he is coming clean because of recovery but I have to wonder when he has lied to me since recovery started. How much more does he expect me to take. When do the lies STOP???? I can get over most of the crap surrounding his addiction but the lies are what gets me. I was just starting to heal and make progress. I was coming to terms with everything. Is this what I can continue to expect from my marriage with an addict? He totally blew me away just now when he told me. Oh and he cried... the whole bit. That doen't even get to me anymore. I have asked him several times in the last couple of weeks and he has lied until today. He suddenly decided it bothered him.

There is a part of me that wants to believe that this is the last lie....he has learned his lesson about lies and what they have done to us. But everytime another one surfaces. He is so good at what he does. He lies better than anyone I have ever seen. I am pretty good at reading people. I feel I have the gift of discernment. But the only way I know with him is by the voice inside me that says "something is wrong, things just don't add up". I wish that voice would tell me what I should do next. I am so confused at this moment. God be with me and show me the way that I should go.

Thanks for letting me vent.

teke

sorry to tell you but all you describe is just what addicts do, have you read "what addicts do", the little stickie at the top of the forum page? addiction is a life long thing and so is recovery. there is no cure for addiction, its also progressive and a relapse can happen at any time. unless your rah is total consciencely commited to some kind of working plan of recovery, you may end up here again or worse. sorry. i've been kind of waiting on my rah to make the decision to help himself for 20 yrs. me, on the other hand, have a few yrs clean, so i guess it really depends on how bad the addict wants to recover. some recover, some don't, and only god knows who will. today, my rah is clean, and i still don't believe much he tells me, but its okay, because today, my life is not centered around what he do or do not do. its all about me to me, and i guess he can do what he needs to do for himself as long as what he does don't affect me and the kids.

even me, i have to be aware at all times, that urge has a way of just sneaking up and an unprepared addict is off to the races again.

i think the choice is yours. keeping you and yours in my prayers.

historyteach

I agree, read What Addicts Do, by Jon, the former owner and originator of this site.

And if that little voice won't tell you what to do yet, I'll share what works for me. Take care of myself. Make sure the mortgage and bills are paid FIRST - before anything else. Keep my money and valuables safe from him. He WILL steal. OVer and over. And lie about it over and over. So, I don't allow myself to get disappointed anymore. My only child cannot come home. He's an addict, and he does what addicts do...

I wish you the best. Please be good to yourself.

Shalom!

bren38

I guess I'm still in denial. I keep telling myself that his addiction is not as severe as some. But he is just really good at hiding it. I'm gonna have to learn to not let what he does have that much power over me. This is another wake up call. Thanks for your input

hopeforever

sorry for what happens now.,, iknow itsnoteasy fot u,, adiicts do it all thetime,, so dont trust too fast,,. hugs to you.

teke

for some reason, i keep coming back to this post, maybe you are just not wanting to believe what you already know, and that is so common. sometimes in rehab, addicts do find the need to come clean and work on the lieing, getting honest is a part of recovery. lieing becomes somewhat of a habit in active addiction and it takes time to re train the brain. i think that it is possible that he is really trying to be honest now, but the real test comes when he gets out depending on whether or not he choses to follow through and continue his recovery, if he choses not to continue then he may soon revert back to where he left off with all the addict behavior.

i think maybe its not about what he does with his life but what you allow him to do to your life. i think that one day at a time, time will tell you what you need to know and when you need to do what. then it the choices that you make for your life. hope this makes sense, you can always pm me if you want to and i'll try to explain what i just said.

bren38

Thanks Teke, It does make sense. And you are right. He has done this for many years and I am sure it will take time to re-train the brain. I need to learn to expect it and then the shock of it wont send me spinning. I will wait and see how things play out when he get's home and take it from there. You are truly a blessing, thanks.

bren38

I will not stay if he goes back to active addiction. But I will cross that bridge if and when I get to it. Like you said....... one day at a time. God will show me what I need to see.

teke

there you go bren, i pray that you feel a little better, one day at a time you will get to where you want to be, just keep moving and reaching out, keeping you and yours in my prayers.

laketime

Bren
i posted this on someone elses post before, but i just think it helps about the lies. my as was shopping with his mother for him a pair of shoes just recently. he had about 6 days clean at that time. when the sales lady said she didnt have his size he said thats ok, i was shopping for a friend. think about that. a completely uneceassary lie. no reason what so ever. the truth would have been better for him but he lied. addicts lie, using or sober, it must take them years in recovery to stop this. i dont know why, but if your going to live with him get used to it. i always like teke's posts, she say what her a says dosent bother her because she doesnt believe a word he says anyway. thats sad, but it is sooooo true. quack,quack,quack

2CAREBEARS

My Ah Lied And Lied About The Missing Things Around Our Home. He Never Came Clean About Any Of It. I Would Just Find Teh Pawn Tickets In Hiding Places. He Even Sold Our Riding Lawn Mower For 500. I Asked Him Where It Was And He Would Say So An So Was Borrowing It. After Over A Week, I Finally Called So An So And He Said He Didn't Have It, That My Ah Sold It. He Even Pawned His Wedding Band But Went And Got It Back After I Found The Ticket. I Have Given Him Chances After Chances And I Am Still Finding Things Missing That He Either Pawned Or Sold In The Past Or Currently. You Ask When Does Teh Lies Stop?? I Don't Think They Ever Really Do. To This Day My Ah Will Lie Even About Teh Smalles Stupidest Thing That Makes No Sense What So Ever.
I Am Sorry You Ar Going Through This, I Have Just Went Throught That Stage. I Am Now On The Stage Of Bettering Me And My Kids.
Many Prayers And Hugs Your Way.

bren38

Why stay with someone if that is how it's gonna be? Dont we deserve better? I mean...... if they are gonna change, stop using, and stop lying, then I'm all for hanging in there and making the marriage work. But why do so many stay and put up with that? I'm not sure I can. Without trust.....we have nothing.,

laketime

i have no choice but to be involved my a is my son. i dont know how i would react to a gf or wife. but i do know as much as i love him, if he wernt my son i would have absolutly no problem ever talking to or seeing him again. isnt that pitiful. thats addiction

bren38

I think the only thing keeping me here now is my kids. They love him. And I know he loves them.

rayofsunshine

Just be sure to start protecting yourself financially. Hopefully, this will be his time to change and he'll be serious about recovery when he leaves rehab. If not, addiction is progressive and he'll pick right up where he left off and things could get alot worse before they get better. Read the stickies at the top of the page here ... learn about setting boundaries. Sending (((HUGS))) and prayers for you and AH.