Cupicake

I have such a hard time holding onto hope. I am divorced from my AH but I still keep in contact. I have become such a cynic about the possiblity of his recovery. Whenever he talks about not using drugs anymore I instantly think..."Yeah, right...Whatever...we'll see when you relapse". But honestly...he has all the signature tell tales of a relapse before he even stops using. I don't share this pessimism with him but I sure do think it.

Last we spoke he said he has a plan and had made a pact with his mom. She stop smoking and he would stop using drugs. All I ended up saying was, "Uh-huh. Okay. Uh-huh. Good. We'll see how it goes. A plan is better than no plan at all. But, you know without recovery just simply abstaining is not enough." He didn't want to hear too much of that. He just emphasized that he has a plan.

He had broken one of my boundaries last week. I told him he is not allowed in my house without me because he would use in my house. Well he came over during the day and stayed for a few hours last week. (I live very close to his job) How does he get in?? Well, my parents live downstairs and my father lets him in. I haven't told him not to because I don't want to put my dad in the middle where he would have to have a confrontation with my AH. AH is not violent and is no threat but it just wouldn't be fair to my dad. Anyhow....the point is, he said he came over this particular time because he didn't want to use and needed a place to stay before it was time he signed out of work. I expressed my displeasure.
So, he said, "Where else is there to go?"
I said, "How about a meeting?"
He said, "That's only for an hour. What about after that?"
I said, "How about a gym? Go work out" (I thought this was a pretty gosh darn good idea)
He said, "What gym?"
I said, "How about the gym you had me join with you and you ended up using and we never used the membership to which I still have the certificate for because atleast I was smart enough to ask for it since I couldn't get my money back ($600 by the way - down the drain if not used by August).
I also said, "Gee...that sounds like a really healthy day. A meeting and a workout. But it's just a suggestion" (I didn't say this with any sarcasm)
He said, "Then I'd have to go back to work all sweaty.....(he lets out a deep frustrated breath)...Fine give me the certificate the next time I see you." (There was a tinge of anger in his voice)

You could lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
This is why I have no hope. He says he wants to stop and attempts to stop but doesn't want to put much effort into anything else but trying to abstain.

thejunkyswife

It's annoying. My husband is doing the same thing. He's abstaining, but that's it. He's been to a few meetings, mostly because I made him go, and he continues to make his life chaotic by dealing with his unstable friends and family members.

I am trying to differentiate between my stuggle with "HOPE" and what the Nar-Anon folks call "projecting." It's something I've had a hard time with my whole life...not predicting all the bad things that are going to happen in the future. All we have control over is today, and it's hard to keep that in perspective. The habit of mind of fearing the future and regretting the past is something many of us have learned from having had really complicated childhoods or other experiences that have made us chronic pessimists. I always looked at these mental habits as defense mechanisms...but I think they are actually hurting me. I'm not a ble to live for today if I'm always dreading tomorrow and regretting yesterday.

laketime

I Think The Very Reason Were On This Board Is Because There Is Hope. Success Stories Are Surely In Short Supply But They Are There. We Come Here To Remind Ourselves We Are Not Alone And If Just One Person Can Manage This Disease Then There Is Definite Hope. I Was Encouraged By A Successful Hopeful Post Just Today. Today Is Certainly A Day I Need To Know , Yes There Is Hope.

Lovestoomuch

I know I had a hard time with "hope" when I was with my exabf. Much like the conversation you just described with your ex, mine had an excuse for every suggestion I made. It's almost like they want an easy fix to their problem and if they have to actually work on it and put forth some effort, then they don't want anything to do with it and somehow it will end up being someone or something else's fault. Sigh.......I still hold out hope that my ex will stay clean, but only time will tell.

outonalimb

((((cupi)))))

I so completely ''get'' what you are saying.

I think the real turning point for me was when I realized that it didn't matter if he got clean. Our relationship...our marriage...would never be the same. I guess that means I gave up hope as far as 'we' were concerned...but it didn't feel like a loss of anything...it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

My exah is my son's father...and so I will always hope for his recovery and pray for him...but thats as far as it goes. I think its healthy to be skeptical of their every promise, plan, or whatever they say they might do to overcome their addiction. We'd be right back where we started if we bought into it anymore. Thats progress...real progress...Give yourself a pat on the back...'cause you're recovery sounds pretty darn strong right now!!

Hugs...

teke

i agree with out, there is always hope but i do hear detachment in your post. i think when i excepted the fact that i had my own life to live and that he had a right to live his that way he wanted, it was easier for me to pray and believe that one day, he'll hit his bottom, and seek help. when i realized that his bottom may never be what i think it should be but that it will be and that i don't have to hit it with him.

i learned how to be happy with me and my life whether or he's clean or not. i'm praying for you and yours

SaTiT

Eventaully every addict/codi reailize or get to the piont or have a ahha
moment. Maybe through pain , maybe being sick and tired of sick and tired,
maybe hitting a bottom.
Abstinent/absent is not enough.
There's writing on the walls. it's call the 12 steps.
The 12 steps is a living program. It gets read in every meeting for reasons.
Perphaps it has signifiacte importants for us to invest time and energy
reading those words.
btw..it is suggested not to work the 12 steps off the wall.
In most likelyhood of going off the wall.

Ann

I believe in Hope. I have hope for my son, that he will one day reach out and find recovery. I attach no expectations and leave it all in God's hands.

I keep Hope stashed in a special place in my heart, right next to Faith. It's safe there and every once in a while I take it out and polish it up. Hope and Faith sit like two candles that bring me light.

When I have trouble finding Hope, I come here and start reading a few forums up, on AA and NA and I hear stories from people who thought they were "hopeless" but by the grace of God they made it to sobriety. I see them here, I have met them at meetings and some of the most wonderful people I know are recovering addicts. Tell THEM there's no hope.

I don't live in denial, I know that some addicts die. I have lost friends here and in the real world to the deadly disease of addiction. Some who had many years of recovery and relapsed, and some who had just been "out there" for a long time. It's a reality that caused me deep pain and I had to accept that and walk through the pain, and now that I have, I choose to no longer live my life in fear. Nope, light those candles because this codie has Hope and Faith.

historyteach

Today, I can hope for my son's recovery.
I just don't expect it...

I hear what you're saying...and understand.
Be good to yourself.

Shalom!

Cupicake

I admit I falter on hope because of the longevity of his disease. It threw me for a loop that I had to fight hard to claw my way out of. Seeing him continue his addiction is more than discouraging. But I too have glimmers of hope otherwise I wouldn't even bother continuing a friendship with him. I did however learned very quickly that strong boundaries had to be in place.

I did not mean to insinuate that there is no hope for our beloved addicts. So I apologize if anyone took it that way. It's just hard to see past what's in front of you sometimes.

I truly have detached from his addictive lifestyle and know that it is best to just let go and leave it up to his HP to take care of him. But I still feel sadness for what he is doing to himself. I continue to pray for him but I know that only he and he alone can make the choice for recovery. True recovery and not just abstinence.

Hugs to all of you for your strength in recovery and healing.
Continued prayers to all of our beloved addicts that they may stay in recovery or find recovery.

Ann

Cupi, you didn't offend me, not at all. I have had time when I couldn't find my hope, I have had times where I thought I gave it up but when I wasn't looking it snuck back.

The funny thing about hope...to me it's like a beacon in the darkness that sees me through and maybe in some magical way will lead my son to a safe harbour too.

Hugs

jeepgirl

Lately I have been having some difficulty with hope. My daughters recovery has not been on my timetable, that is for sure. At times like these, I have to refocus on myself, and on my own growth and recovery process.
jeep

bookmiser

((((Cupicake))))

I can sooo relate to that with my as.
He says he doesn't want to drink anymore, since he "met" someone.
Whatever! Just cause your not drinking, doesn't mean your "clean".
You still think like an addict.
If it walks like a duck...

Take care of you sweetie. It's all you can do.
If I were you, I'd change the locks asap.
jmo.

Love ya, and have missed ya lots.

Can't help it. It's what keeps me sane.

krhea75

Boy, i have felt the same about my son. "Whatever" I hope he recovers this time in rehab, but I'm trying to make my focus more on my hope for my life. Not that I don't care about him. It's just that I'm tired of all the drama. I try to take on too much responsibility for him. So now I am trying to let go and let him carry his own load. Not easy, but necessary. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have our cynical times and they are part of the recovery.
krhea

SaTiT

I was reading a book once.
It was about a travelers of sorts.
After traveling throught the wasted land, after santuary.
The dream giver ask the traveler for all of his hope and dreams.
The traveler couldn't belive it...after all of that, after everything
he had gone thur, he came so far, now he has to give up his dream.

The traveler paced back and forth for sometimes.
After strugling with all of his thoughts he had no answers.
He bacially had to Trusth the dreamgiver of his dreams.
He truned all of his hope and dreams to the dreamgiver.

duet_4-8

Thanks for reminding me of this book, SaTit!

Quotes from 'The Dream Giver' by Bruce Wilkinson:

'Each stage or obstacle along our journey is intended not to block our dream, but to help us break through to the fulfillment God promises.'

'The WasteLand is the place where God transforms you into the person who can do your Dream. It is the Dream Giver's loving gift to Dreamers with a future!'

'Everything you now lack for the upcoming fulfillment of your Dream is being offered to you in the WasteLand. God's promise is that you will lack nothing when you emerge from the other side.'

'Hitting the scary edge of your Comfort Zone again and again proves that you're a Dreamer on the move toward your Dream.'

'On the other side of that single step-the exact one Ordinary didn't think he could take-he found that he had broken through his Comfort Zone. Now the Wall of Fear was behind him. He was free, and his Dream was ahead.'

'Ordinary knelt by the riverbank and wept with joy. The Dream Giver was more kind, more good, more wonderful and trustworthy than he had ever imagined.'

'The Dream Giver gave my Dream back to me. Now it is part of his Big Dream-and that means my Dream is a lot bigger than before.'

'The way of the Dreamer is difficult-but anything less is hardly living at all!'

hope213

i will never give up hope for my a.s. nor my grandson. where there is life there is hope. i say the serinity prayer oh so many times a day.without hope i have nothing.

Cupicake

You all are such a strong group of people.

Hope is a word
that every
hurting heart
understands.

Hope shines
brighter than
the brightest star
on the darkest night.

Faith is bigger than the highest mountain.
And God is greater than any obstacle in your path.
Anything can be accomplished by those who fully
put their hearts into it.

The time to start is now
the place to start is here.

May hope cast its special
light upon your path and God
bless everything you touch in the
hours, days, and moments
still to come.

Thank you for continuing to be an inspiration to me.