HKAngel24

Under the Detachment thread, someone made a very specific statement in their list. Forgive me for not giving correct credit to the member, as I was not able to find it's author at the moment.

"Not be afraid to let go, if necessary know that I walk away with love."

I feel like there is a dark, fearful part of me that when it is tapped into gives me discomfort and an unsettling feeling. I am afraid of it and tend to avoid it at all costs. Even writing about it now is extremely difficult but if it feels this odd then it may be trying to tell me something. I am wondering why this makes me so uncomfortable- to think, to write, to accept...?

Done_With_It

Growth, movement, Change, sometimes can make me uncomfortable.
We get comfortable in our ways, even when they are unhealthy or painful.
They are familiar. The unfamiliar is scary.
Once you start to it becomes a little easier each step...

Maybe the same as how your ed was comfortable but uncomfortable at the same time.. Each step you take w/it became a little easier? Just a thought.
(((((....)))))

teke

i don't know if i fully understand your concern or question, but if it has to do with you being uncomfortable with leaving or thinking to leave, let me say, that leaving will always be your choice and only when you are ready.

maybe its time for you to decide what is best for you and try not to base your decision on what you think that others think you should do. do what you know to do to make your own life better. keeping you and yours in my prayers

thejunkyswife

There seems to me to be a push and pull in the Nar-ANon philosophy I'm coming to know better and better. I feel like techniques like detachment, setting boundaries, and learning to continue with my life no matter what my husband is doing are helping me do 2 things at once--establish space in my life to be able to continue to live with my husband, but also to strengthen myself in case I decide it's time to leave. I sometimes feel a sense of discomfort with that push and pull, too, but I think it's actually one of the blessings of the program. It makes me uncomfortable because it feels like it's contradictory; however, it's exactly where I am in my life, and it's going to make me stronger no matter what happens. I'm learning how to cope with my husband and this disease that touches every aspect of our lives, and I'm learning how to let go of him in case I decide one day that I don't want this in my life anymore. i think it's normal to feel anxious about this--the prospect of change is scary. The prospect of NOT-change is also scary--sometimes the idea of living with my husband for the rest of my life horrifies me. The idea of not living with him for the rest of my life horrifies me. As the loved one of addicts, we are in very precarious places, and all we can do is look to each other and other people who understand for love and support. Keep reaching out...that's all that is helping me.

cinderellawkids

Letting go is so hard.
It is tough love for my AH now. (I wonder who its tougher on us or them)
His mom and I keep talking, we've done everything else, nothings worked all we can do is step a way. Its killing us both. For almost 4 years for me and longer for her we've both been preached to about tough love, and cutting him off until he helps himself. Weve fought it for so long and now its all we can do. We have to leave it in Gods hands and hope he finds his way, and his brother too

katwomankc

yeah letting goooo is really hard. really hard to let someone go who we truly love. in my case its my own son. when he gets out of prison i will have to have that tough love, NO drugs in the house........ or your OUT. i hope i will be strong enough for that day when it comes...... i am hoping he gets out of the pen and walks a straight line. but as so many of us know theres a really BIG chance he wont change. i can only give it to my hp. thanks all for listening

unsure of

Heather ~
i understand how you feel about the push and pull. i have to say looking back at the whole process, it does work. if not for the addict it will work for you. it did for me and my rabf.

OT but i started reading "the secret" and it talks about what you think and how it affects your life it is very similar to the na-anon and group therapy. it might help steer you in the right direction.

time has been my best friend through this hard time. time has allowed me to rediscover myself as a person.

my best for you

dollydo

Nothing remains constant in life, the middle will move, whether you are doing anything or not. With an addict, it will get better or worse,depending on what they want, all you have to do is sit there and observe.

Life is about change. We can change us, but we cannot change another.

If you are not ready to detach, to let go, then you are not. It's your life, do what you want to do, it's all about choices.

Take Care,
Dolly

HKAngel24

Thank you all.

Dolly do- so so true about how we can only sit there and observe. I suppose this is where detachment comes in -- when you can pull yourself far enough outside the periphery that you have an objective view rather than being stirred around with the insanity.

thejunkyswife- I pray that I too will be able to find that balance- learning to detach and work on myself yet still being able to be supportive to my abf.

anvilhead- I suppose that all change is uncomfortable for awhile. Eventually it becomes less so, I pray.

Hoping that regardless of how WRONG it feels to only focus on me and not take on his problems -- the next time I will TRY to push through and hope I come out stronger.

mooselips

HKAngel24,
Hug to you.
Remembering back (way back) when I was in Nursing School I still remember one of the things they stressed, and that was..."Change causes Conflict"
If you look at everyday things in your life, you'll see how true it is.

When dealing with a person you love, who has addictions, I think it's the hardest. Perhaps you're just not ready for change. You'll know when you are.


Hugs to you...

duet_4-8

For me, the only way to stay sane at this point was to seperate physically from EXAH, and even though seperated and with a 'no contact' restraining order I still find myself sucked into the madness by just hearing about what he is doing or saying.

That is when I have to take a step back, pray A LOT, and regain my balance. Life is much, much better for me now. It isn't any better for him, but I know in my heart it would not be any better for him if we were together, either.

It really is about choices. At least for me, I never knew I had a choice. In the words of a song by Keith Urban that has become an anthem of mine lately:

'she never even knew she had a choice, that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't........'

The choice we make is whose voice we listen to, the One that leads us into the light, or the one that keeps us stuck in the darkness.