malihas

i've been married to my AH for 4 months. Things were great between us and he got a wonderful new opportunity.

However, last week he started his using again... he didn't come home for 2 nights. I was very strong and held my peace.
But since then he has been putting me on a guilt trip and putting the blame on me. I know this psychology so well, but it still gets to me.
I go to Al-Anon, CoDA, but yet, some days he wins when he tries to make me feel like it's ME.

He said he was miserable and we needed to go our separate ways.
yet, he won't take any action. he normally goes down that trail when he's in the using cycle. i am committed to us and don't want to go. but it's just abusive. some days are good and then he flips out again and turns it on me.

unfortuntely, i'm an international student and i can't work full-time legally. he won't do his part of the immigration paperwork and it's been stalled for a long time. my parents live in the mid east and my life is even more miserable there and my father isn't any less controlling.
i want to spend my life with my husband and reach our goals together. but, i feel trapped. i feel he controls me knowing i can't do anything legally without him. and our cars, apartment, everything is in my name. he does pay for bills, but makes it out to be like it's some favour he's doing by being the working person.

i just feel lost. his mother is tired of me talking about this to her. she still believes some of his ******** and thinks i am the one at fault here.
i need some suggestions... prayers...
thanks

teke

i'm so sorry that you are going through this, i had the same problems with my mother in law and i had to learn how to detach from her too. she sounds to be still in denial and maybe do not understand addiction or the effects that it has on you. maybe you can give her a copy of "odependant no more" and leave the rest up to her. there is nothing that you can do about her either.

i've been married to an addict for 21yrs, and as much as i wanted to stay with my husband, there were times that i had to find a way to seperate myself inorder to save my sanity. it will probably get so much worse. addiction is progressive.

i'm glad to hear that you are going to meetings and you are reaching out for help. i don't have any advice other than check with maybe a women's shelter or a domestic abuse agency, to find out what options you may have. maybe you can figure out a plan of excape just in case. if i had to make a suggestion, i would say, try to detach financially and emotionally for now, maybe talk to a lawyer just to get more informed, and if you find the need, then maybe a plan of seperation. take the focus completely off him and on to you. its good that you are aware that none of this is your fault and that given a chance, your addict will try blame you for all of his bad choices. keeping you and yours in my prayers

detachment don't always mean that you have to end your marriage.

parentrecovers

it's nice to meet you, malihas. good for you for going to alanon and coda. blessings, k

hope213

this is not your fault, his actions,his fault.i can not tell you to leave him all i can say is your future is up to you.it is a long road with an addict & he seems to want to use. your future,your choices are yours.prayers for you both.

thejunkyswife

Have you read the posting on Property Lines? It's really helpful in explaining what of your husband's MESS is yours to deal with. Keep going to meetings and staying strong! It sounds like you're in a tough situation, and you're going to need all your resources to keep your own life together. I was just talking to my mother in law this morning, who has her own problems with addiction and who is working very hard at her own program, about not beating herself up! It's hard enough to stay sane when living with addiction, but it's important to take care of yourself and treat yourself fairly, especially when you're in a situation where no one else is goingt o take care of you.

Good luck to you, and stay strong!

HKAngel24

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
It is heartbreaking - loving someone who is treating you in such an awful way that you are not only taking the abuse, but somehow believing that you deserve it.

You have come to the right place- everyone he is incredibly supportive and you can post and post and post to sort out your feelings and receive honest feedback. Often we cannot see what is so close to us and sometimes need others who are observing from a distance to bring us back to reality.

It is one thing to logically KNOW that you're right and your addict is the one trying to deflect the attention from him onto you - but that doesn't make it any easier to not internalize it. After awhile we become programmed to take that sort of abuse.

I do not have any wonderful words of wisdom- as I am still beginning my own recovery and am confused and scared, too.
I think what we need most in times like these is to cultivate self-respect and decide what is and what is not acceptable behavior.

For me- when we have had an argument in which he has pulled out the power tool of role reversal and is making me believe my behavior was inappropriate. I sat down and made a list of the things that were angering me about our conversation and then divided the myth from the reality.

malihas

thanks everyone for all your support. i will keep posting. and ironically i lost my wedding ring today. he will probably shoot something rotten at me like "good, you might not need it much longer anyway"... that's typical of him while in his cycle. so, i'm going to keep it to myself till he notices. but it still breaks my heart i was careless.

tropikgal2

My husband is a legal resident alien, so I know some of the legal stuff about staying in the States. For one thing, you should be able to get a student work visa, especially if you explain your situation to immigration. Do you know where the office is in Dallas? Not the processing center off 635, but the other one in that shopping center. They are open Tues. - Sat. I believe. Take all your paperwork with you. YOu might check it out online first to see if there is some preliminary paperwork you can fill out. You could also try to go to the counseling office at your college and see if they can help. I know it might be difficult to be candid with strangers, but it's worth a try. Since your husband is an addict, there are lots of resources for you in that big city. Try the domestic violence helplines too. Good luck & take care of yourself! ((HUGS))) and prayers.