Money and enabling

Old 04-09-2007, 04:55 AM
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Money and enabling

Oh how hard it can be when things seem "okay" for this moment...
ABF has always been TERRIBLE with his finances (I know, I know, when drugs are involved- what addict knows how to manage their money?) and prior to today I have always lent him money. If he barrows money from me during the week- he does pay me back on his next pay day (something else I think he use to justify his drug usage. He wasn't stealing/taking money from me so... his problem musn't be that serious).
The issue now isn't even the focus on the drugs, it's more the enabling I feel I've been doing that has prevented him from taking responsibility for himself. It feels deeply difficult and uncomfortable for me to let him suffer his own consequences. As I am sure is normal, my inital reactions is to run to his rescue. Not to protect myself. It's almost like an itch I am dying to scratch.

Funny thing is that he's never asked me for money. Silly me has always offered it to him. We do not have any of the same finances, nor do we live together, but I've always found myself running to his rescue when he has twenty dollars to live off of for the rest of the week. I can't very well have him staying at my house starving... It just feels inhumane. Just kind of wanted to vent/see what other's opinion on this subject was.
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Old 04-09-2007, 05:10 AM
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All I can say is what my experience has been.

My ex-abf never asked me for money, and I never offered it. If he would snort his money away, it was his problem. If he didn't have money for cigarettes, he didn't smoke..there was always food in the house so he ate.

For the first year he gave me money out of every paycheck towards household expenses, then the addiction took hold, money came but less and less. Then nothing, he started to take my jewelry and pawn it, nothing expensive, as I kept that in my safety deposit box, I started to find money missing from my wallet....that did it, tossed him out.

My point is, this is a progressive disease, it will get worse.

He is an adult, he needs to be responsible for himself, by enabling him, you are only making things worse, aiding his addiction and prolonging his need to seek recovery. He must fall to his knees, before he can get back up.

You have food in your house, so he won't starve, the rest is up to him. If you
love him, help him to find recovery by not enabling and running to his rescue.

My Best,
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Old 04-09-2007, 05:35 AM
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grateful rca
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i agree with dolly, i did the same things as dolly with my husband, makes it a lot easier on me, if he wants to use, thats his thing, but i will not allow him to do it at my expense or out of my home. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 04-09-2007, 05:38 AM
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There's a progression, and it will get worst and worst.

When I was in my addcition, meth was offered to me by one of my co-workers.
I worked long hours shift and it gave me energy to do my work , school and partying.

I did a little bit, but a little didn't do it , so a little got more and more.
I made over $1500 a week, but i party so hard sometimes. i would
have to borrow $20 on monday morning to last until friday.
But I wasn't using it everyday at first, So i didn't borrow all the time
and $20 was nothing compair to my pay check to pay back, So I
always paid it back.

Eventaually I had over a $100 a day habit.
I got into a cycle of just living to use and using to live.
I'd manage my bill's, but eventaully drugs became more improtant than cable..and progressed.

There were even prevention attemps for me at that piont.
I refused it and denial all of it. Becuase to admitt i was an addict
at that piont was non-existence. My perception of an addict was
a homeless hype in a dark alley. I would sober up and stop using
on my own for a couple of months, but find myself back to using again.
I had to hit a bottom. it was hard for everybody to let me go.
Family, freinds, and the corporation. Everybody at some piont did
reach out to me. But at the end I had to hit a bottom with nobody
and nothing.

Would i have stop earily knowing this now...of course i would.
But being in my addiction I was education, career,
logic played a non factor.

I'm sorry, you're are dealing with these types of issuse in your life.
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Old 04-09-2007, 07:08 AM
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For me, not giving money (especially when I have it) has been a process of allowing the addicts in my life to "learn" how to manage funds.

It is a big lesson to learn that spending all the money on the weekend may result in pbjs all week. And if that is where their drug use takes them, the faster they learn that, the better.

Perhaps you can view giving him money as "slowing his opportunity to find recovery". None of us would want to do THAT...

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Old 04-09-2007, 08:18 AM
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Maybe view giving him money as allowing yourself to be part of his life or death struggle. Giving him a meal if he is hungry is life enhancing, giving him money to buy drugs is not. Hug, Marle
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Old 04-09-2007, 08:28 AM
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Consider stopping this behavior. Fill the house with good nutritious food for when he's there, and leave it at that. You're not doing him any favors and you're not doing yourself any. No one ever got better at managing money when there was someone standing over his shoulder shoving twenty dollar bills at him.

take care

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Old 04-09-2007, 12:43 PM
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I had to cut off the money flow as well. Even just making sure the bills are paid and making sure there is food in the fridge makes me angry--I get upset with him for not contributing, and my resentment messes up my serenity. I have decided not to give him any cash for any reason under any circumstances.

I haven't yet had a problem with him stealing my things or pawning my things yet, but he has pawned a lot of his own stuff. I went out of town this weekend, and when I got home, I noticed that he'd been messing with my jewelry. An engagement ring from a previous marriage was out of place, and he got furious when I asked him about it. "I WAS JUST LOOKING AT IT!!!"

Blah Blah Blah.
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Old 04-09-2007, 12:47 PM
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Thank you all for your advice and stories.
Fortunately I am kind of a health nut to say the least so the food I do have in the house is not anything he would eat anyways.

Even when drugs weren't a factor (at least to my knowledge) he still didn't manage his money well- BigSis as you mentioned the PB&J weeks became an improvement.
It just comes down to the fact that I have to let him be accountable for his own actions - regardless of how small or large a sacrafice it is on my part.
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Old 04-09-2007, 01:00 PM
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My MIL and I ahve gone over this subject alot lately since BIL was in her home and AH in mine. Ah was giveing me most of his money, holding on to spending money and it eb gone, but food was there power ect. As long as that continued nothing was going to change long term, he just continued functioning for a while. BIL was staying clean but living at home so little expenses he saved money suppose to go towards his own place.
Friday they got together and blew it all. They likely lost their jobs today and are in a house with no heat or air and several busted windows. We know they are out of food and have no toilet paper. We discussed how in the past with AH when I was separated from him she's bring him groceries, dvds to watch ect, and BIL would always end up on the streets go to 7 day detox and then someone would take him ina nd give him work. We decided even bringing them bread was enabling their demise, there are day work and pay places if they want to eat. They are grown men this time we arent feeding them, arent even offering toilet paper and soap they have to figure it out on their own
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Old 04-09-2007, 06:15 PM
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So, buy some peanut butter and jelly for him, makes a great sandwich and is loaded with protein, it'll fill his it myself, especially with chips and pickle...hmmm, good stuff.
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