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Old 04-08-2007, 06:59 PM
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I am sorry for sharing.
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Old 04-08-2007, 07:14 PM
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Hey cinder,

Don't feel bad for the back and forth stuff with him. It has taken me SO many years to finally get to the point I am at now, where I have been able to stick to my boundaries. Heck, I didn't even know I could have boundaries. I didn't know I had choices. Living with addiction does that to you.

I haven't been on much lately, so I am shooting in the dark about this. Forgive me if I ask things you already answered. Do you have an attorney? Or can you go to legal aid or something?

I got a restraining order, through my attorney, against my AH, and then when he started coming around and calling, I took pictures of my cell phone log and saved all the voice mails he left. Now he is being charged with 20-something counts of contempt for ignoring the restraining order. He has completely backed off now.

The thing is, I had to get to the place where the manipulation, threats, intimidation, pleas to 'work things out' , begging, etc., just didn't get to me anymore.

It wasn't easy at first but it gets easier every day. I get stronger every day he is gone. I worry about him a little less. And it feels so good to be out of the drama.

Take care of yourself, and keep on keeping on. You are taking steps to set boundaries with him. It's hard but you can do it!

(((HUGS)))
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Old 04-08-2007, 07:34 PM
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Don't be sorry for sharing... EVER.
If no one cared, no one would say things out of their own pain hoping to help you get off the roller coaster for good.

I have been afraid for you since you said he threatened to choke you.. but I let it go because it is your decision and your life and your choices.

Sometimes our own experience is so painful.. so terrible to us.. we would do anything to save someone else from going through that same thing. So we say what we think... I have been told here by others things I do not always like or agree with. Some of those things hurt me too.. and I was sorry I said anything or shared.

But you know.. in the long run I was glad I did.

I listen to your words Cindy and I feel tremendous compassion for your situation.. and I pray you have the strength this time. I truly do.

After praying for you I also pray for those who are addicted to turn from the darkness of their drug to the light of recovery.. and I do hope for that.

Today I found out that my XABF is selling more camera equipment. He and I have no contact and I saw the advertisement.. and even tho it is likely I will never talk to him again and this is the consequence of his own actions.. it HURTS me to see this.
For all his bad and all he has done the ONE sane thing in his life.. the ONE thing he did well and around which his very being has been made is photography. To see him selling his equipment off.. little by little.. one lens or flash unit at a time.. strangles my heart.

You see.. my love and my core have always been horses. I lost them with the farm when I was divorced due to alcoholism. I know the pain of that loss and even tho this guy is a scumbag... I feel compassion for this loss of his. That he would find recovery and not go thru the pain of losing the one thing that made sense in his life... he is heading for a cliff I have been over and I wish he would steer away.. but he has to go over it himself. D**N.. stupid.. his life and his journey.

And out of that compassion I find I have, without even thinking twice about it, said a prayer to my God that he finds recovery before death finds him.

So, while you and I know that hitting the "repeat" button is not sanity.. and you know in your head what you need to do.. you also know that it must be written in your heart. Writing this in your heart is the hardest essay assignment you will ever have.

I pray for your safety.. addicts are dangerous due to their unpredictability and the drugs.. many non addicts have died at the hands of addicts.

It is all such a mess and it so messes with us. I am praying for you and your kids... and
Yeah.. even tho I sometimes am so angry at addicts and addiction.. I pray for them too.
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Old 04-08-2007, 07:43 PM
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Hi Cinder...I really feel like I am being nosey here because I am new to this section.
But I have been reading alot of posts here. I posted on you Alone Friday night thread if you remember. You really did something to me with one little sentence. You will never relize what a simple thing like that did for me.
Anyway..I dont know your situtation too well in detail but basically I get the idea.
Every state is different. Sometimes you will need to get an eviction from the courts to get him out and then the restraining order. Doesnt matter if he is a resident in your houseon paper. If he has been staying there..that is consider as residing in the home. But like I said every state is different and I don't know ur details.
Also the marchman act you are talking about...It's called baker act in Florida ..Where they are basically arrested by the police into treatment. I dont know if it is the same.
I also noticed you said he takes your vehicle..Please be careful with that. I dont know if it has been done or would..but dont lose your car to him either getting caught with drugs or drug activity or maybe running out of money and deciding to rent it to a dealer. The police can and will impound or confiscate and keep your vehicle. And if the renting it things ever happens. You may never see it again annd if so it probably wont be in great shape when it does get returned.
But like alot before my post stated. If your not willing to go all the way with it..why bother. And to an addict..half ass attempts are what makes them think it is ok to keep doing it. I am sorry but its true.
No addict is ever going to get better until they themselves have decided to. And they must make the effort to get clean on their own.
When and if he ever decides to for himself. Just support him. Thats all anyone can really do.
The old sayin goes" You can lead a horse to water....." Well you know the rest.
I hope I wasnt too in your business. Just my opinion.
I hope the best for you and your kids.
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Old 04-08-2007, 08:20 PM
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(((((((Cinder)))))))))

I always kid around when I speak of my first marriage.
I always say, "Yeah, I was married the first time for 10 years off and on.
More off than on, cause I couldn't keep him home". lol

When he was there, drunk, and we'd be arguing, then it would get real nasty, I'd kick him out.
He's stay out all weekend, I'd kick him out, and a week later, I'd let him come back home. I did that for 10 years.
Eventually, the time apart was getting longer and longer, and I was getting used to him not being around, and how nice it was starting to be.
I hit my bottom. I was no longer addicted to him. I let go.
It will happen for you, too, sweetie. You will be fine without him.
You will find love again, but first you have to get straightened out and start loving youself again.
You can heal from this. I know, cause I did.
All said with love and understanding,
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Old 04-08-2007, 10:28 PM
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I'm sorry if I came off too hard its just a tough thing for me to hear about. U will know when to walk away and until then I wish u luck.
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Old 04-09-2007, 06:23 AM
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sorry cinder but you are not alone, you already know that i've been married off and on for 20yrs. its probably the only reason that i was able to say we had our 21 yr anniversary. try not to feel bad, when you are ready you'll know what you need to do. i think that you've done a lot by changing the locks and getting his things out of your house. you've got your car back and is now ready to stick to your boundaries.

i think that for now, you are doing what you can. if you decide that you need to go through with trying to get a restraining order, maybe you can use the fact that he tried to hurt you the last time with the choking thing, and if you decide to not go through with it, you already have your locks changed so he can get in unless you allow it and if he comes anyway and you don't want him there, you can always call the police before he gets in the house and tell them that you are afraid of him, if thats what you want to do.

i am a little concerned about the other house though, if he gets caught using there, won't that cause you to lose the house? other than all of that, i think that you are doing ok, you're doing what you got to do for now. i've filed for a lot of restraining orders myself, and still took him back. i think you'll know when you are ready to stop the madness and i don't think that you have anything to feel bad about as far as taking him back. you have a lot of hope for him, only you know how you really feel about all of this. you have to do what makes you feel better. its all about you. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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Old 04-09-2007, 07:17 AM
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Cindi, I am sending many hugs to you right now, I believe you may need them right now.

I dont want you to feel like you cant share here... but I do understand how you feel because I feel and felt the same way before. I guess I may not sound like I make sense right now because I find it hard to share here at SR for the very same reason you feel so. But I want you to know without realizing it you are helping people by saying what your going through. There may be many people out there going through the same thing as you and by reading what your going through may help them that they are not alone.

It's not easy to let go of a husband esspecially one that is addicted. If it was easy we wouldnt be here right now. One day he shows you himself and then the next day he shows the addict side. It's hard incredibly hard situation to deal with. None of this is easy.. you may take him back again and you may not. We don't know what's gonna happen but remember regardless of what you do you have many people standing beside you and never feel ashamed to share. Sometimes we have to keep going round in circles until we are able to see which way we are to go. Basically in a nut shell I am here for you.

Always remember this one thing here at SR. Take what you need and leave the rest!!

Hugs,
Jewel
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Old 04-09-2007, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by cinderellawkids View Post
If I file a restraining order and CPS investigates I will not have the option of taking him back.

It makes sticking with it easier
Hi Cinder. Im sorry you are facing such decisions. Nothing is really final until you decide it is. As far as CPS goes, well here is how it went with me and Paul.
I am the addict and Paul is the clean and sober parent. He has a good job and supplied the income for care and support of kids and me. When he found I was doing drugs he called CPS on me as a bad parent. They came in, made me move and made him sign a paper saying he would keeps kids safe with him and not to let me live in the home. (I didnt know he had signed this paper since I didnt sign anything of the sort.) A month went by and I made a weak attempt at getting in to a rehab. Long story short, he was able to keep the kids in the home with him as long as he kept them safe from me and my drug use. He let me back in because he thought I was changing. They came in and took our kids from him too. It was only because he failed to keep them safe in the states eyes. They gave him back our kids after 4 days and I signed and he signed a paper saying I would enter treatment and complete random drug testing and having visits through CPS supervised. When they deemed I was seriosly recovering, they let me have more privlige to seeing my kids. Thats what it was, a privlige. They also let me in the home slowly over a period of a year of seeing I was working a really strict recovery plan. There is hoops galore to jump when they are involved but they know what us addicts do before we know what we are about. They have the best intrest of kids. It may not seem like it but you know, if it wasnt for CPS, I dont think I would be clean. Now I know you have to be thinking that once CPS is involved there is no going back. But you know thats right. Theres no going back to letting a drug addict in your life. There is every chance that they can help him clean up to let a RECOVERING addict back in your life.

My story with CPS is not a success story for evry addict but they were part of the success for me. Nothing is really final until your ready for it to be. All this is said is because I care about your feelings Cinder.
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Old 04-09-2007, 10:00 AM
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Thanks Gwen thats what my attorney pretty much said too.
For today he's not bugging me and cant get into my house.
Hes been told if he comes around Ill have treatment court ordered which will mean he'll go to jail and wait for a bed. Im doing that for me, not him for my peace. Because that order is confidential records not public.
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Old 04-09-2007, 10:11 AM
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I am glad for the decision you can make even if it is just for today Cinder. Its a step at a time. I also wanted to tell you that even though CPS was a help to me they can also be a nightmare for the parent who is trying to keep them together. The road can get bumpy. What KJ said about pulling kids out of class to get honest answers was true. CPS enters the home though a childs eyes. There are alot of pro's and con's to CPS, but I have to say they did give me a push in the right direction and kept my kids safe for me. Talk to your attorney long and hard about involving CPS. Please dont put it off. I dont want to see CPS come in on a surprise whim on you. I just want you prepared for what to do and say. Im sure you will make all the decisions in your own time and they will be what is right for you that moment. It is all you can do. Take off the superwoman cape today and relax if you can. It sounds to me as if you havent really relaxed, and honestly relaxed for a few days now. Maybe just take 30 minutes or even 5 minutes just to do something for you today. I hope your day is less stressful today Cinder. You know you can PM me anytime.
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Old 04-09-2007, 11:05 AM
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I am so glad to hear your words Cindy.
I feel you are finding strength.

If this was easy we all wouldn't be here would we?

Thanks for the update. I had to come home early and meet the Furnace man (to fix the burner.. not to meet 'theman' LOL). I was looking at the light coming across the snow capped Catskill range and I was thinking of you and As a shaft of sun splashed across the mountains from between the clouds, I said a prayer that you would find your way thru this business of being married to an addict.

Heck.. I pray for ME to find my path, I can surely add you (and others) to that now can't I?

From your post, I think the "Big 'G'" was listening!

Best wishes!
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Old 04-09-2007, 12:10 PM
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You are so right Gwen being with our children, having children is a privelege.
Its a privelege to wake up every morning and see their smiling faces. Im sitting across froma adependency attorney in my office he's telling a mom her supervised visits were too sporadic so state will not approve overnight. SHe's crying, but I for one know if I had to amke appointments to see my children Id be waiting overnight Id never miss it. We had such a warm loving night together last night watching a video and then this morning walking to school before it started to rain
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Old 04-09-2007, 03:33 PM
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Cinderella you’re breaking my heart girl…

life can be so cruel, at times. You deserve to have what you want. To have your family, to raise your kids, with the man you love. To take care of them together, share life with them, watch them grow…

And it sucks when our hearts desire seems…SO close… you can almost touch it with your fingertips. The temptation to reach out for it, just one more time, try just a little bit harder, to have it, can be so compelling . Letting go can seem crazy, when you KNOW, you could reach it with just a little …help.

I was there too… until my a DID choke me, almost to death, then punched me a few times, broke my jaw, knocked out a front tooth. That happened so quickly! I am still shocked to speak of it in terms of my life!

Sometimes now, sick as it sounds, I am almost grateful that he did that.

It was like he smashed the “Candy Coated Shell” I had covered our lives in, and the violent ugliness, that was always hovering under the surface, had no where to hide.

The reality was so harsh and painful, that it hurt to just to breath. But I was determined to heal because I never really had a choice, the choice was always his.

Having my family together, always seemed possible, tantalizingly close, but losing everything was just on the other side of that (very thin), coin. Drugs are risky business. Things can change SO quickly.

I admire you for having the strength to take the steps that you have taken. You are a great mom, I know in my heart that everything you decide to do, will be what you feel is the very BEST you can do for your little ones and yourself. I wish you much strength and courage.
JSM
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Old 04-09-2007, 03:39 PM
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Thank you Joesentme for this post. The first few lines hit so close to home for me. Sorry Cinder to jack your thread.
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Old 04-09-2007, 03:44 PM
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hey cindi hugs friend i too have been married 22 yrs off and on. i can say the past 3 yrs hav been on. thank god for recovery. anyhow i wish you all the happiness you deserve my friend. and were here for ya.
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