new to this...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: chicago, il
Posts: 3
new to this...
I have been in what is the most meaningful relationship of my life for the last two-and-a-half years. While we are incredibly close and loving, it has soemtimes been very volatile. Last year especially was very difficult, partly because we were living in different states. For various reasons, I found myself losing trust in him. I was concerned that he was drinking too much. He has never cheated on me but I found out he had shared some overly flirtatious emails with some girls during one of our longer fights. Before we met, he used a fair amount of coke casually and I stipulated when I agreed to date him that he would give that up. After a year of not using while we were living in the same place, I found out that he used coke once or twice after I moved away. Again, this did nothing to help my trust in him. He saw me as nagging and overly involved in his life and I at some point completely internalized all this. I blamed myself for much of the conflict and to some extent, like with everything else, this was true- I was unhappy in my work and was considering a change of careers and had some difficult family problems, which had all depressed me independently of him. Still, I was noticing that he had an erratic temper which was almost out of control at times- not with me, but with other people. I finally broke up with him when on one drunken night he yelled at me and insulted me far beyond the point of my endurance- I thought that if I continued with the relationship I would endanger my own dignity and sense of self.
I was incredibly confused by his behavior as most of the time he was the most caring, supportive and gentle man I have ever been with. When he wanted to get back with me when I (coincidentally) ended up moving to the city where he's living, I decided to give it another shot. It was the best decision I could have made- our relationship this last year has been unbelievably fulfilling- not in the sense of the honeymoon period but in a more mature sense. I thought things were really back on track because he's been calmer, happier and more directed in his life than he has been in a long time. I even felt that my trust in him had been largely restored. There were bouts of temper and some erraticness in his moods and behavior but nothing alarming and certainly nothing that I felt endangered my sense of self-respect. He has treated me with nothing but devotion and respect.
He called me up a couple of days ago telling me that for the last month or so he has become addicted to Vicodin. When I thought he had been sick with the flu, he had actually been in the hospital in withdrawal. He had admitted to his parents what the problem was and was going into recovery. He apologized profusely and admitted to having been depressed for the first time-I had known he struggled with depression but he had never admitted it nor addressed it. He said that he feels that things have been going so well for us that he cannot take the risk of jeopardising it and wants to be the best he can be for me. He has gone into recovery fully committed, is seeing a psychiatrist to deal with his depression and is in every way turning his life around. He is an incredibly motivated and accomplished person and I have no doubt he is capable of it.
So you might ask why I am writing to this forum and indeed, reading some of the terrible things people have had to gone through with their loved ones, I feel ungrateful and petty writing here. Nevertheless, even though I have promised him my unconditional love and support-- I am just so conflicted. It's not because I'm not committed to him or don't intend to support him through this- he is the love of my life and there is no question that we will stay together. Yet I have suddenly got these strange feelings of anger and guilt and utter sadness which I don't feel like I have the right to express since I in no way want to compromise his recovery or sense of security in this relationship. I recognize now (and he admits) that I was completely right to worry about his drinking last year. I feel so angry about all the guilt I internalized last year for our conflicts- he had this way on convincing me that I was the problem all of last year that was incredibly hurtful to me, when all along, at least part of the problem may have been his depression and his borderline alcohol abuse. And this year- the fact that he lied to me about the Vicodin is just killing me. I have always been very very clear that I don't like drugs and all along in our relationship he has implied that I am too uptight about it. Is that why he felt like he couldn't come to me? I feel so guilty- perhaps, if I hadn't been so didactic, he would have trusted me. He was at great pains to explain that that wasn't why he didn't tell me, that it was part of a general problem he has with trying to hide his pain and that addictive behavior, especially for high-functioning people, is often secretive. But I just can't shake how bad this feels. And then there's my fear for the future-- we could very well be facing another long-distance stint since his work will take him out of the country. I am just terrified that he will either relapse or he will hide things from me. He assures me that it was exactly this fear that prompted him to go into recovery now, well before he would have to leave. But it still scares me- I really don't want to back to the pattern we had last year where I felt constantly impelled to check up on him, even knowing how much he resented it. And I am frightened by the idea that a man I could potentially spend my life with is vulnerable to addiction- I am not sure I want to raise a family with a potential addict. It's just so awful how quickly I am seeing him as an addict instead of the full, wonderful human being I knew him as two days ago.
I am too ashamed to talk to anyone about this- as far as everyone knows, we are still doing great and in some ways, we are. But I feel like I need to somehow work through these feelings so that I can really help him in his recovery. I tend to bottle up emotions a lot and don't ask for help- any words of advice would be much much much appreciated right now.
I was incredibly confused by his behavior as most of the time he was the most caring, supportive and gentle man I have ever been with. When he wanted to get back with me when I (coincidentally) ended up moving to the city where he's living, I decided to give it another shot. It was the best decision I could have made- our relationship this last year has been unbelievably fulfilling- not in the sense of the honeymoon period but in a more mature sense. I thought things were really back on track because he's been calmer, happier and more directed in his life than he has been in a long time. I even felt that my trust in him had been largely restored. There were bouts of temper and some erraticness in his moods and behavior but nothing alarming and certainly nothing that I felt endangered my sense of self-respect. He has treated me with nothing but devotion and respect.
He called me up a couple of days ago telling me that for the last month or so he has become addicted to Vicodin. When I thought he had been sick with the flu, he had actually been in the hospital in withdrawal. He had admitted to his parents what the problem was and was going into recovery. He apologized profusely and admitted to having been depressed for the first time-I had known he struggled with depression but he had never admitted it nor addressed it. He said that he feels that things have been going so well for us that he cannot take the risk of jeopardising it and wants to be the best he can be for me. He has gone into recovery fully committed, is seeing a psychiatrist to deal with his depression and is in every way turning his life around. He is an incredibly motivated and accomplished person and I have no doubt he is capable of it.
So you might ask why I am writing to this forum and indeed, reading some of the terrible things people have had to gone through with their loved ones, I feel ungrateful and petty writing here. Nevertheless, even though I have promised him my unconditional love and support-- I am just so conflicted. It's not because I'm not committed to him or don't intend to support him through this- he is the love of my life and there is no question that we will stay together. Yet I have suddenly got these strange feelings of anger and guilt and utter sadness which I don't feel like I have the right to express since I in no way want to compromise his recovery or sense of security in this relationship. I recognize now (and he admits) that I was completely right to worry about his drinking last year. I feel so angry about all the guilt I internalized last year for our conflicts- he had this way on convincing me that I was the problem all of last year that was incredibly hurtful to me, when all along, at least part of the problem may have been his depression and his borderline alcohol abuse. And this year- the fact that he lied to me about the Vicodin is just killing me. I have always been very very clear that I don't like drugs and all along in our relationship he has implied that I am too uptight about it. Is that why he felt like he couldn't come to me? I feel so guilty- perhaps, if I hadn't been so didactic, he would have trusted me. He was at great pains to explain that that wasn't why he didn't tell me, that it was part of a general problem he has with trying to hide his pain and that addictive behavior, especially for high-functioning people, is often secretive. But I just can't shake how bad this feels. And then there's my fear for the future-- we could very well be facing another long-distance stint since his work will take him out of the country. I am just terrified that he will either relapse or he will hide things from me. He assures me that it was exactly this fear that prompted him to go into recovery now, well before he would have to leave. But it still scares me- I really don't want to back to the pattern we had last year where I felt constantly impelled to check up on him, even knowing how much he resented it. And I am frightened by the idea that a man I could potentially spend my life with is vulnerable to addiction- I am not sure I want to raise a family with a potential addict. It's just so awful how quickly I am seeing him as an addict instead of the full, wonderful human being I knew him as two days ago.
I am too ashamed to talk to anyone about this- as far as everyone knows, we are still doing great and in some ways, we are. But I feel like I need to somehow work through these feelings so that I can really help him in his recovery. I tend to bottle up emotions a lot and don't ask for help- any words of advice would be much much much appreciated right now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on the Ocean Blue
Posts: 272
Dear unique! Re read your post!!!! Is this the life for a Special, Worthy,Wonderful, Unique person - picture yourself 5 - 10 - 20 years down the line - Did you like what you saw? Stay with SR - read and thoughfully think over what is said to you. Sending (((HUGS))) - from Mom of AD.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. we r glad to have you here & glad you found us.first off you do not have a thing to feel guilty about. you are seeing him as an addict because that is what he is. go to the top of the forum & read all the sticks especilly"what addicts do". i am sorry u r going thru this. my son is the addict in my life & he does not live with me.please read all the post here.there are alot of g.f. & wifes here dealing with the same things you are.i am glad he is going in to a program but it is a long hard road for an addict to get & stay clean.remember the 3 c's here, you did not CAUSE this,you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. let me know how u r doing. prayers for you & him both, hope
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
But I feel like I need to somehow work through these feelings so that I can really help him in his recovery.
With that said, nothing you ask here or comment on here that affects your life is trivial, stupid, inconsequential or petty. You never have to apologize for asking for advice, help or a hug! We all suffer and we all suffer in different ways through different things but that does not make the suffering any less.
You have been hit with what we all get hit with when addiction comes into play and that is the loss of TRUST. All meaningful relationships are built on a foundation of trust and once that starts to erode, the rest of the relationship is on shaky grounds. Don't apolgize for that. It's perfectly normal. and it's certainly a big item - nothing trivial in that.
As far as his recovery goes, HE is the only one who can work on that. and for him to tell you that your feelings and boundaries about drug use was a deterrent to him telling you; that's probably true but it doesn't make it any more ok. What YOU feel is ok and not ok is entirely your perogative and you should not be made to feel guilty for your boundaries.
Please, no matter what you do, get armed with the correct information. Try going to an alanon (or naranon meeting if avail) and know what you are up against. Then, stay with him ONLY if YOU want to or leave him, ONLY if YOU want to. Do it for YOU; do NOT do it for HIM. You cannot fix him and you cannot help him through recovery. He has to find that inner strength and conviction to do it and he has to do it for HIM, not for you.
It's a very difficult thing but addiction will be part of your lives for the rest of your lives. You have to ask yourself if you can live with that. it's not an easy thing to do. And it does change relationships!
Sorry you have to deal with this but you have come to the right place.
Hugs,
Marteen
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Brownie, you just go ahead and bawl your eyes out if you need to---we all do, and then usually feel better after.
Trust is a MAJOUR issue, and something that every one of us here has to deal withon his or her own terms every day. YOu will have to reach deep inside yourself and be strong strong strong. Especially if y'all are sperarted for long periods of time due to work. Even if drugs/alcohol weren't an issue, being apart like that is hard on any relationship.
I hope and pray that you find courage and peace.
Like they say "Keep coming back....it works!"
We're here for ya......
Trust is a MAJOUR issue, and something that every one of us here has to deal withon his or her own terms every day. YOu will have to reach deep inside yourself and be strong strong strong. Especially if y'all are sperarted for long periods of time due to work. Even if drugs/alcohol weren't an issue, being apart like that is hard on any relationship.
I hope and pray that you find courage and peace.
Like they say "Keep coming back....it works!"
We're here for ya......
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
Hi, my name is Marian...welcome. I met the love of my life 3 1/2 years ago. Beautiful, kind, sweet. We had so many common interests, motorcycling and fishing, spending nights on our ramshackle boat, and finally buying a home together that needed a lot of work but on a piece of property that is beautiful. I had known that he was in recovery and had been clean and sober for a year and a half when we met. He attended meetings, I even went to some and when my daughter started using, he was supportive and helpful. Looking back now, hindsight being 20/20, I am guessing that he started dabbling with the vicodin, percocet, darvocet over a year ago. I have found many empty bottles in our barn since,hidden in his roll around tool chest. I never looked before, I was not snoopy, I figured he was an adult, but his behavior had become more erratic, he was cold, not caring, distant, not looking me in the eye, gone for hours without a call, not returning calls when I would call...He overdosed on March 3rd and died on March 9th. He od'd on methadone, although after speaking to people that knew he was using, and finding 2 glass crack pipes in his truck after he passed, his doc was crack, he was doing anything and as I said, he was doctor shopping as proven by all the empty bottles. He was a great guy, immature, but fun and was there for me when I needed him but any little pressure[money, kids, parents], he couldn't handle it. The last 3 weeks, he actually stole from my credit card and was using my debit card when I was asleep. I love him still, but I wish I was more aware of what was going on, I hope I would have stayed knowing what was going on , in a second chance world he would be in rehab and I would know the answer....go with your heart, be honest, don't spare his feelings because if you don't talk about these things, they will fester. Try to get to some meetings. Peace to you
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((unique101)))
Hi and welcome to sr. I'm Linda and the mother of a 25 yo son who is an addict.
You've come to a great place, where we all walk the path of recovery from codependency. Join us.
Hi and welcome to sr. I'm Linda and the mother of a 25 yo son who is an addict.
You've come to a great place, where we all walk the path of recovery from codependency. Join us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: chicago, il
Posts: 3
I cannot thank all of you enough for your advice and kindness...I feel like I can suddenly think again. I will keep you posted on developments and I am so grateful to have found such a community at a time like this. Bless you all.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Unique...I do hope you stay around and read all you can here...there are wonderful people here who understand what you are going through. If you are having a difficult time talking to people about your feelings, I would suggest trying a couple of Alanon or Naranon meetings. The face to face support of others who understand is amazing. Welcoming hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Unique-
I could have written your post. I, too, began a relationship with my boyfriend almost two years ago. The first three months of our relationship he had been using drugs (oxycontin? heroin?) - and eventually told me because he said he felt guilty. I felt deeply betrayed and sick by the whole thing. I had smoked pot in college, but had never felt the need to completely eradicate my feelings through drug usage. We were at the beginning of our relationship so I was able to be angered and hurt by this but not completely allow my life to fall apart. Plus having no prior experience with drug usage such as this, I had nothing to base it off of. He promised me he would get well and began an outpatient program after he had told me he detoxed at home. (I witnessed some and it deeply disturbed me). THe outpatient program quickly fizzled out and at the time I wasn't as educated as I am now and didn't realize how crucial some form of program is to one's recovery.
For the next year of our relationship he built back the trust and we had an extremely close relationship. I did not doubt his drug usage purely because we were together almost all the time and figured it could have been impossible for him to be continuing his abuse. About three/four months ago he began to withdraw from our relationship. He was distant and cold and indifferent. I internalized all of this to be about ME, that he did not love me, etc. Finally found out he had been using again- heroin and shooting some of the time (if not all of the time? I don't know.) I am so disgusted by just this imagery that it is making it hard to type. I never dreamed I'd be involved with a man that does such things to prevent living in the real world and feeling. Now we are a deeply, entwined part of each other's lives and leaving him/accepting that this disease is something I cannot compare to has been deeply devestating.
Right now he says he is clean and that he has been working towards recovery. Sometimes I am not sure he understands that this will be alifetime thing and that he will need to work out many of his issues and turn to healthier coping mechanisms in order to get through it. I have become deeply paranoid about what he is and is not doing and have realized how much it is affecting me. I am beginning to see that all addicts are manipulative, secretive and deceptive. They cannot see an moral implications to any of their actions- they blindly and selfishly act in order for their survival because they cannot see, at the moment, a better way to live.
I am still grappling with viewing my boyfriend as the person I fell in love with versus a man who is still ill and whom I cannot trust in to be a fully functioning individual.
You said: But I just can't shake how bad this feels. And then there's my fear for the future-- we could very well be facing another long-distance stint since his work will take him out of the country. I am just terrified that he will either relapse or he will hide things from me.
1. I KNOW how bad you feel. I currently feel EXACTLY the same way. I am overcome- often fueled by fear and anxiety over the future and what is to come between us. You must realize that relapse is a definite possibility - but that nothing you DO or DO NOT do will determine this. It is a decision and choice he will make all on his own. The most difficult thing about loving an addict is this- because whether or not they CARE - we are still deeply affected by the decisions they make of whether or not to use.
2. Stop feeling guilty. This is what happens when we love an addict- whether they want to or not- they can somehow entangle us into their web of denial and turn things around to make it seem as though we are in some sort of wrong action or even inaction not taken on our part. It's as though if they can make us feel guilty, not only do they mitigate themselves from personal responsibility- they also, in a way, get to us in a way that could be viewed as inadvertent manipulation.
3. Do not be ashamed of what you are going through- at least internally. I know for me, at least, it has taken A VERY LONG time to even admit to anyone what has been going on in my relationship (my best friends know, but that's about it and even then I've altered some details as I, too, am embaressed.) I fear looking like a silly girlfriend who can't see the writing on the wall... (very sad to think...)
4. You said... "And I am frightened by the idea that a man I could potentially spend my life with is vulnerable to addiction- I am not sure I want to raise a family with a potential addict. It's just so awful how quickly I am seeing him as an addict instead of the full, wonderful human being I knew him as two days ago."
Me too, girl. Me too. I am TERRIFIED, bone-chillingly frightened about how much I love this man and find myself fantasizing about things together. Accepting that addiction is extremely powerful and can reshape those we think we know and love is a devestating realization.
But, on the topic of seeing his as just an addict- it does not have to be either or. When I see him as just an addict- I want to run. I protect myself, but I also feel deep resentment and judgement. Beneath, or in spite of his addiction- he is still the wonderful man you know - but unfortunately these two can exist simultaneously, but one is always in control of the other.
I quake when I think about all the minor, horrifying and gritty details I DON'T know about my bf's behavior and using.
You also mentioned aiding him in his recovery.
Dealing with HIS addiction cannot be just about HIM. You have to keep yourself afloat as well. I was once where you are- and still am to an extent- but then sadly learned that addiction renders those we love unable to be who we thought they were. It makes them unable to care for themselves, let alone us. They cannot meet our needs when they are struggling with something so painful and complicated.
I have to SLAP myself sometimes (and remind my BF) that I am VERY aware that recovery from addiction is ALOT more complicated than he is making it seem to me. There is alot of messy stuff to sift through and that I will be here through it all as long as he is honest. When we get sucked into the insanity of addiction- believing that we can DO ANYTHING to help them or even believing we have a crucial role in their recovery we are only setting ourselves up. Even now, I offer advice to my bf- blabbing on about how he does not want to throw his life away, lose everything he cares about etc. etc. even though I know that a. he may not hear me, b. he may not care and c. regardless - if he does not REALLY, REALLY want to start anew and recover than nothing we say, do or do not do will help.
If you ever need to talk please, please feel free to private message me. I know what you are going through.
I could have written your post. I, too, began a relationship with my boyfriend almost two years ago. The first three months of our relationship he had been using drugs (oxycontin? heroin?) - and eventually told me because he said he felt guilty. I felt deeply betrayed and sick by the whole thing. I had smoked pot in college, but had never felt the need to completely eradicate my feelings through drug usage. We were at the beginning of our relationship so I was able to be angered and hurt by this but not completely allow my life to fall apart. Plus having no prior experience with drug usage such as this, I had nothing to base it off of. He promised me he would get well and began an outpatient program after he had told me he detoxed at home. (I witnessed some and it deeply disturbed me). THe outpatient program quickly fizzled out and at the time I wasn't as educated as I am now and didn't realize how crucial some form of program is to one's recovery.
For the next year of our relationship he built back the trust and we had an extremely close relationship. I did not doubt his drug usage purely because we were together almost all the time and figured it could have been impossible for him to be continuing his abuse. About three/four months ago he began to withdraw from our relationship. He was distant and cold and indifferent. I internalized all of this to be about ME, that he did not love me, etc. Finally found out he had been using again- heroin and shooting some of the time (if not all of the time? I don't know.) I am so disgusted by just this imagery that it is making it hard to type. I never dreamed I'd be involved with a man that does such things to prevent living in the real world and feeling. Now we are a deeply, entwined part of each other's lives and leaving him/accepting that this disease is something I cannot compare to has been deeply devestating.
Right now he says he is clean and that he has been working towards recovery. Sometimes I am not sure he understands that this will be alifetime thing and that he will need to work out many of his issues and turn to healthier coping mechanisms in order to get through it. I have become deeply paranoid about what he is and is not doing and have realized how much it is affecting me. I am beginning to see that all addicts are manipulative, secretive and deceptive. They cannot see an moral implications to any of their actions- they blindly and selfishly act in order for their survival because they cannot see, at the moment, a better way to live.
I am still grappling with viewing my boyfriend as the person I fell in love with versus a man who is still ill and whom I cannot trust in to be a fully functioning individual.
You said: But I just can't shake how bad this feels. And then there's my fear for the future-- we could very well be facing another long-distance stint since his work will take him out of the country. I am just terrified that he will either relapse or he will hide things from me.
1. I KNOW how bad you feel. I currently feel EXACTLY the same way. I am overcome- often fueled by fear and anxiety over the future and what is to come between us. You must realize that relapse is a definite possibility - but that nothing you DO or DO NOT do will determine this. It is a decision and choice he will make all on his own. The most difficult thing about loving an addict is this- because whether or not they CARE - we are still deeply affected by the decisions they make of whether or not to use.
2. Stop feeling guilty. This is what happens when we love an addict- whether they want to or not- they can somehow entangle us into their web of denial and turn things around to make it seem as though we are in some sort of wrong action or even inaction not taken on our part. It's as though if they can make us feel guilty, not only do they mitigate themselves from personal responsibility- they also, in a way, get to us in a way that could be viewed as inadvertent manipulation.
3. Do not be ashamed of what you are going through- at least internally. I know for me, at least, it has taken A VERY LONG time to even admit to anyone what has been going on in my relationship (my best friends know, but that's about it and even then I've altered some details as I, too, am embaressed.) I fear looking like a silly girlfriend who can't see the writing on the wall... (very sad to think...)
4. You said... "And I am frightened by the idea that a man I could potentially spend my life with is vulnerable to addiction- I am not sure I want to raise a family with a potential addict. It's just so awful how quickly I am seeing him as an addict instead of the full, wonderful human being I knew him as two days ago."
Me too, girl. Me too. I am TERRIFIED, bone-chillingly frightened about how much I love this man and find myself fantasizing about things together. Accepting that addiction is extremely powerful and can reshape those we think we know and love is a devestating realization.
But, on the topic of seeing his as just an addict- it does not have to be either or. When I see him as just an addict- I want to run. I protect myself, but I also feel deep resentment and judgement. Beneath, or in spite of his addiction- he is still the wonderful man you know - but unfortunately these two can exist simultaneously, but one is always in control of the other.
I quake when I think about all the minor, horrifying and gritty details I DON'T know about my bf's behavior and using.
You also mentioned aiding him in his recovery.
Dealing with HIS addiction cannot be just about HIM. You have to keep yourself afloat as well. I was once where you are- and still am to an extent- but then sadly learned that addiction renders those we love unable to be who we thought they were. It makes them unable to care for themselves, let alone us. They cannot meet our needs when they are struggling with something so painful and complicated.
I have to SLAP myself sometimes (and remind my BF) that I am VERY aware that recovery from addiction is ALOT more complicated than he is making it seem to me. There is alot of messy stuff to sift through and that I will be here through it all as long as he is honest. When we get sucked into the insanity of addiction- believing that we can DO ANYTHING to help them or even believing we have a crucial role in their recovery we are only setting ourselves up. Even now, I offer advice to my bf- blabbing on about how he does not want to throw his life away, lose everything he cares about etc. etc. even though I know that a. he may not hear me, b. he may not care and c. regardless - if he does not REALLY, REALLY want to start anew and recover than nothing we say, do or do not do will help.
If you ever need to talk please, please feel free to private message me. I know what you are going through.
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