Getting Stronger Day by Day

Old 04-06-2007, 06:27 AM
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Getting Stronger Day by Day

Hi Everybody,

This one step at a time, day by day, thing seems to be working. It has now been three whole weeks since my ABF left without a word. I have sufferred and hurt a lot. I am gradually coming to terms with this. I now realize that I should never expect to see or hear from him again. If I do, fine, if I don't, then that's better. It's dreadfully lonely here. All of his things are still here, just the way he left them. I am finally getting up the courage to pack them up. I have some extra time off this weekend, so I intend to go get some boxes and get to packing. I plan to put all those clothes in a garage sale this summer. My answer if he calls wanting them back is, you haven't needed them all this time, I figure you can get along just fine without them. I will tell him that there obviously is nothing here he needs, including me, so he might as well go back where he came from.

His picture is still up. I enjoy looking at a picture of him when he was clean. I hear that he has lost over 30 pounds since he left and has sores all over his face. This happened in the short time since he left. The crack makes him scratch sores on his body. I do wonder who is enabling him now. I think he was just playing me all along so he would have a place to crash, get food, and then go back out. I am wondering if anything he ever told me was the truth.

Wondering and my imagination don't get me anywhere but in a state of depression. Depression comes and goes. Right now, I am OK. Tonight, when I face the four walls alone, it may be a different story, but I won't enable him any more. He literally starves himself so he can spend what little money he has on crack. I can't really imagine him even taking his money to buy a cup of coffee. He rounds up scrap metal for money, sells it, then goes after more crack. If he hasn't found another enabler, which he probably has by now, he is living off of McDonald's $1.00 menu. What a life!
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:13 AM
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Hang in there Faith.
I had to let my GF go and my imagination did the best of me.
I kept a journal or read as best I could.
I cried if i needed to.
I kept a picture of a woman i love very much in my wallet, When she was clean and sober
It was lonely at times....but it was peaceful.
It took me a while to gather things, i had to get through our home
one conner at a time. It happenped automatic when i was ready to let go.
Each moment she was gone , were moments that i learn to live and
love myself. i actually go comfortable of being single. I found out that
I wasn't too hard to live with and was actaully pretty cool. I moved
funiture and decorated the apt the way I wanted to. I actaully
became more productive at work and my boss took notice to that too.
ya know...I was actually pretty damn happy. Couldn't imagine at 38
that i would be single and starting over again. i set a time limit
for myself , i didn't start dating until after 6 months.
I was ready to move on, and low and behold i had all these damn
crazy women knocking at my door at the sametime and my GF too.
Gee freanken wizzz...it was a test, my exam of sorts.
I've matured in so many ways, i just had to luagh at it all.
Yet i had so much more to learned. lol In this journey of life.

My suggestion is lock you doors , lock all your doors
and the windows too.lol
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:17 AM
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it's a shame what addiction does. blessings, k
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:21 AM
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I am so sorry are u sure its crack hes on? JMO my ex never scratched like that on crack. I mean he twitched and was freaky to look at but I dont remember that. I know with heroin u pick your skin and it makes u scratch alot its from the opiate that makes u itch like crazy. I know when I was taking alot of pill I would pick my face and was very itchy. Or meth also makes u pick yourself give u the crawlies under the skin. Just wondering dont mean to make u worry more but that sounds different than crack. Hopefully someone will be around soon who knows more than I do.
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:31 AM
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i'm sorry - when my imagination gets the best of me i start to read a book or soemthing to take my mind off of it - there are some places i simply can't allow my mind to take me - it's just too sad...

i hope today is better than yesterday and not nearly as good as tomorrow...

love,
s
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:32 AM
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Im surprisd when using he even bothers with the dollar menu, my Ah will go days without eating
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:40 AM
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it is a sad life that the addict lives, but it is their choice.you are doing good. prayers, hope
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:52 AM
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Hi K, no, I'm not definitely sure what he's on. I never saw it. He never used here at home. I didn't see any needle marks. He said it was crack. Could have been a combination of just about anything. I figured it was crack because that is so easy to come by. Just about any street corner. I do know he said he like something that would bring him up and not down. He would come in off a binge and sleep a lot and eat a lot. Since I don't know much about the reactions of a crack user, I would like for someone to enlighten me. He scratched a lot. He jerked and twitched a lot. He had problems sleeping all night. He was much further gone when he was here that I ever suspected. He kept it all hidden very well. Did a lot of it while I was at work, and while he was supposed to be working. The deceit is another bitter dose to swallow. I think I was mostly totally in the dark as to what was going on, except that he never could keep any tools or anything else that he acquired--including his clothes, watch, or cell phone. That's what makes me wonder about those of you who say your man has a cell phone. That was always the first thing that went when he would leave. Please share. I am still learning.
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:57 AM
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Faith,

Hugs and strength to you in this tough time. You are advancing in your recovery by leaps and bounds, and your life will respond with love.

GL
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Old 04-08-2007, 10:12 PM
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Faith,
It is so overwhelming to have to sit by and see their lives going downhill. My husband got involved in the scrap metal to, actually they are having quite a problem with metal being stolen....it is even being stolen off park benches that people have placed placks on in memory of a loved one, cable wires....some have been caught and charged and in most cases it is addicts supporting their habit.

When my husband was home or around, he was on crack, he would talk talk talk, be like a jumping bean, if he was sitting down his legs would always be moving, soon as he had his hit he always hummed this same tune....that was a sure sign for me. He also started to have this horrible cough, I have heard that they can get what they call crack lung. I can't say as he had any sores, but he was sure letting his hygiene go.

I know he could get a hit of crack for $20 but the high is very short so it didn't take long before the money was gone. Not to long after he was gone from here he did break out in sores, he was on meth now, a better buck for his bang I guess, the high is way longer.

Rose
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Old 04-09-2007, 06:08 AM
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in my opinion, it may not matter what drug he's on, seems like the effects on you are the same. i know that its hurts, but you are doing whats best for you. sounds like to me, its his doc and if he's as bad as you say that he is, he may or may not have a new enabler, it maybe that he just don't want you to see him the way he is now. maybe you could really focus on you and not so much on him and what he's doing or not doing, time will tell you what you need to know.

as soon as i would get all comfortable and accepting that my husband was gone out of my life or had found someone else, he would always try to come back bringing all the quacking. try to prepare yourself, just in case, so that if that happens, you'll be ready to stick to your boundaries. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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Old 04-09-2007, 11:49 AM
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Our imaginations certainly are busy, aren't they? My husband and I had a scene last night--he was acting addicty--asking to borrow money, going outside to talk on the phone, asking to borrow the car--and he blew up at me when I wouldn't let him use the car. I can't decide if what I was seeing was him about to go relapse and wanting me to help him out or if it was just his addictive personality and his addictive habits popping up in a situation that had nothing to do with using. I've figured out for myself, though, that it's crucial that I take care of myself, so even if he does find a way to go out and use, it won't be with my stuff or on my dime. He might kill himself with drugs, but he damned sure won't have my help to do it. So even if my imagination was projecting stuff that wasn't there, it doesn't matter. I'm glad I took care of myself and my stuff, and I'm proud that I'm being strong.

Sometimes it feels like every time I tell him "no," something inside of me grows and grows.
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