Feeling Left Out

Old 04-05-2007, 07:30 AM
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Feeling Left Out

I feel like I am out of the loop where my ah is concerned. Since he has been in rehab I have not heard from anyone involved in his rehabiltation. He said in the message he left me last night that they already have him set up for his meetings. How is it that you repair and rebuild your marriage, get to know each other again, and share in his recovery if you are attending meetings that do not include your spouse and are in opposite locations. Before I felt I lost husband to drugs, now I feel I am losing him to recovery. I am not sure where this leaves me? I have a life away from him. I have never depended on him completely. I have family, friends, etc. He does not make up the core of my existance. If anything he has depended on me too much. I have always been his rock. I want us to be there for each other, a real relationship that is shared. But right now I feel like he has been taken and is almost encouraged to pull away. Am I wrong? What is it that they are trying to do when they take the spouse out of the picture? How can we have a good marriage if we go this long without having quality time together. I feel like we will drift apart. I am feeling very insecure right now and I hate it!
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Old 04-05-2007, 07:49 AM
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let it grow!
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maybe the right time will come for you two to have marriage counseling? does his rehab offer any family education sessions or family counseling sessions?

hang in there. recovery takes time. you going to alanon or naranon?

blessings, k
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Old 04-05-2007, 07:51 AM
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On a tear
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I have always been his rock. I want us to be there for each other, a real relationship that is shared.
I am hearing some fear that perhaps you feel you lost your place with him?

I know when I was rescuing my kids, I was in a position of power. Once they didn't "need" me anymore, I felt lost.

Alanon helped me to understand how common that feeling is.

While he is working on his recovery and you are feeling pain... why not seek out some Alanon or Naranon meetings to work on what YOU are feeling. To work on YOUR recovery?

It helped me a lot.
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Old 04-05-2007, 07:54 AM
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i think alot of wifes feel like this but his recovery has got to come first. in time it will get better but it takes a lot of do have the hope now where before there was long as he goes to meeting & ect there is alot of hope.try to have quality time with him when you can.i pray everything works for you two.hugs,
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Old 04-05-2007, 07:59 AM
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Recovery is working on YOU. It matters not if it is recovery from addiction or recovery for the non-addict in a relationship with the addict.

While he is working on HIS recovery, perhaps you should try AlAnon or NarAnon meetings. You may find these very helpful. You have been hurt by all of this and you need to recover as well.

He has to focus on his recovery with perhaps even more intensity than he ever focused on his DOC. While he is doing that, you have the perfect opportunity to work on you.
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Old 04-05-2007, 08:03 AM
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yea I do have hope.... but at the same time I am feeling the need to shut him out before he does it to me first. Fear..... I guess I have a fear of rejection. And big sis you are right cause I guess I am realizing that before I was in a position of power and it scares me not to have some form of control. I definitely need to get to some meetings of my own to work on my own issues. I am trying to find nar-anon meetings close to home so I can manage getting to them and still having time to take care of my kids needs.
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Old 04-05-2007, 08:12 AM
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let it grow!
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if naranon is difficult, alanon mtgs are often more available with more times.

fear and control are also big issues for me, so i understand.

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Old 04-05-2007, 08:34 AM
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i know how you feel too, my rah has been kind of focused on his meetings too. like the others said, its a good thing for the both of you to work on your own seperate issues, there will probably be plenty of time for you two to come together, but for now, it good that he is so focused, shows that he may really be tired of the life he was trying to live.

maybe he is ready to take responsibility for his own life and relieve you so that now, you can do the same. as long as he is staying focused, you may even end up with a more health relationship than you had at first.

i think that it really is time for you to begin to work on you and your inner issues too. still praying for ya.
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Old 04-05-2007, 01:59 PM
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My AH has been in rehab for 11 days now. At first I felt the same way you did. Everytime I talked to him the call was being monitored and very rarely spoke of the actual program and what was going on or what would go on. Today my ah therapist and him called me and we did some phone therapy. It actually felt really good. They suggested us seeing a marriage counselor and said we would continue to have therapy sessions over the phone until he returned.

I would check with the facility and see if they offer any kind of family sessions or family counseling. Like I said, I have only had one by phone but it helped alot.
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Old 04-05-2007, 03:43 PM
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i too think big sis is right. i hated to give up all the power with my as. looking back i really didnt have any anyway, it was all in my mind. he uses drugs anyway, and i am , in reality,, powerless over it. its really up to him. its like his counselor in rehab said you can't build a wall high enough to keep them from using if they want to. the truth is he cant stay sober without those meetings. theres a sticky at the top that i printed and put on the fridge yesterday, that deals with this. it called property lines i think, its very intresting reading for people like me.
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Old 04-05-2007, 04:17 PM
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I'm no angel!
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His recovery first, you cannot begin to rebuild a relationship with an addict,until he is in the latter stages of recovery.

All your post revolve around the same issue, instant gratification, it does not work that way, he needs to focus solely on him, his recovery. And you need to focus on your recovery, then when you both are better and further along in your recoveries, you can start the rebuilding process. It is his rehabiltation not yours, work on you, go to those meetings by yourself, get emotionally healthy.

I know I sound like a broken record, but you too must get healthy before this relationship has a chance....give him some space, stop trying to control everything, let the professionals do what they are trained to do and do something positive for you.
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Old 04-05-2007, 06:07 PM
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ohhhhhhhhhhh I feel so MAD!

oops sorry I was trying to make a new thread when I noticed I posted as a reply, I just failed to remove all of it when I editted it!
But thank you for pointing it out I
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Old 04-05-2007, 06:12 PM
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You may want to post the above as new thread.
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Old 04-05-2007, 08:30 PM
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Bren -

Hi again from down in Charlotte. The first year of recovery is an extremely selfish one. I was lucky and was well-warned by counselor's that the RA needed to fully focus on himself....not our relationship. I have a very full life too but I found that Naranon/Alanon were imperative for my recovery. My change in position was a good one but a scary one as well. My husband's relapse prevention counselor would not even okay our starting relationship counselling until he had a year of recovery. In hindsight - I think that that was a great idea. I've learned that there is no working on a relationship without a lot of individual work being done first.

Keep trying different meetings until you find ones that you like. I loved my Naranon meetings but there wasn't a whole lot of long term recovery in those rooms. Most of us were new and hurting. The support was great but many times we just didn't know how to do the next right thing. It was difficult to find a sponsor who had made it through the 12 steps. I had more luck with that in Alanon. Actually did both for a long while. I know now that I had to work on my recovery every bit as hard - if not harder - than my RAH.

Last night, I was in a meeting that was reviewing the 7th step. In the 12/12 it stated that self-centered fear was the root of many of our character defects. When our basic instincts are threatened then we self-justify and out pop those old character defects. I found that by returning to steps 1.2. and 3 I was able to begin to deal with the fears.....

As they say - it's a journey. I know that you are ready for things to be "back to normal" with your relationship. The trouble is, there is a new normal and the world of recovery is imperative. It takes they say - it works if you work it. We're here for you - hang in there. It's a lot to go through.

Take care. Donna
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