sunshinegirl

my soon to be ex told me that since he moved out he that he has gotten worse with his doc and that if I gave him more time he would have gotten help. Yet he says he doesn't want to take much time off of work to detox. Personally i think he needs a 30 day etc. to be clean. I don't need to be made to fell guilty because he is doing more H. You think that being asked to leave would help a person to see that they need help.
I worry for him all the time. I worry that he will try to take stuff from our home when he runs out of funds which he is blowing thru. I told him do not come to me for anything .I'm afraid it will get alot worse before (hopefully) it gets better for him .

outonalimb

sunshine...

I went thru alot of the same worries when I left my exah.

Remember...this is HIS addiction...this is HIS problem...HE is the only one who can seek help...HE is the only person whose opinion matters when it comes to the type of program he needs. This is not your responsilbity. Addicts will lay the blame at your feet every time. Don't pick it up. Let him find his own way. I know its hard...I know you care about him...but you are POWERLESS over this situation...absolutely POWERLESS. And as scary as that thought might be, its also a very liberating realization.

Try to keep the focus where it needs to be...on YOU. Let him worry about himself. He's an adult. He created this mess. He needs to be the one to fix it.

Be strong...

sunshinegirl

Yes it is very hard.. I thank SR for giving me the support to have finally filed for divorce a few months ago.. Reading all the posts here you see that you are not alone. I know it was no way to live. I have started to feel alittle free but at the same time I constantly live with worry.

To look at him really makes me sick of how he can do this to himself. The damage he is doing to his body. I look at pictures of him and it really breaks my heart to see this great person that you don't know any more.
Thank you for your support. this site is a blessing

BigSis

Sounds like he wants you to feel sympathy for him. As long as he is focused on manipulating those around him, I don't believe he can be focused on HIS primary need... to get and stay sober.

He needs to learn this. You probably don't want to get in the way of that. There is a saying around here...

Hands off the addict.


I went to lots and lots of Alanon meetings... focusing on MY recovery, instead of that of the addicts I loved. It changed my life in some incredible ways. I hope you can find that same opportunity.

((hugs))

sunshinegirl

I'm going to do what I have to do . I have a good job and will be able to take care of my kids. They are not little and know that Dad is using drugs but they don't know it is H. My son is giving me little run for my money but he is a teenager and thank god we are very close and he confides in me.

My soon to be ex wants to stay over one night this weekend. I thinks he wants to be close with me but I really don't want him to .I don't feel comfortable with him in the house if i go to bed. Plus I don't know what he has been doing with his time I don't want to get him mad with Easter this weekend. I want him to see the kids and spend time with them . He is sniffing not shooting. but I still don't want to be near him in a close way.
It makes me very nervous

teke

hi
i agree with bigsis, none of this is your fault, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you've probably done all you know how to do. sure, he'd rather have you feel guilty than to take the blame for his own bad choices. this is just common behavior with addicts. you are not a fault here.

i think that it was a good thing that you are able to seperate yourself from his drama, i agree with you, sometimes it does get worse before its gets better, it happened that way for me, i'm a ra too. if you are really concerned with him taking stuff from your home, maybe you could change the locks or maybe get an alarm, over the yrs, my rah stole everything but the kitchen sink, in my addiction, i pawned a few things myself. i think better safe than sorry.

have you gone to any meetings yet? they help so much.

parentrecovers

agree with teke on this one - error on the side of caution and change the locks. i understand how hard it is, but you really have to protect yourself. blessings, k

teke

i also understand you not wanting to be close to your husband, i feel the same way, but i was told to be true to myself, to do only what i'm comfortable with. you do have choices and what you feel do count and is so understandable to me. i say what do you want to do?

hope213

you do what you have to in order to take care of yourself. telling him to leave can help bring him to his bottom.who know what his bottom is.do not feel guilty.have you read the sticky at the top of the forum"what addicts do"? glad yopu are here & learning to take care of you.your recovery is yours & his is his. prayers, hope

sunshinegirl

Yes Teke I went to a couple of meetings but they really didn't do to much for me. It was alot of reading from books. Not my cup of tea. Everyone was very nice. I tell ya this site is the best therapy for me.
You know i was down this road with my ah years ago when my kids were in diapers .Alot of stuff was stolen and pawned from my home. He went away for a while and got help. He was good for years. But i tell ya I often wonder if he was totally clean all of those years.
I have locks on bedroom doors and instructed my bank not to let him do any transaction with any of my accounts.
I don't know if I can legally change the locks on my home until my divorce is final . if it gets bad than I will . I'm trying to be civil for the kids. As with all of the addicts in our lives he is a wonderful person when he is clean. I wish there was never such a thing as drugs...

sunshinegirl

thanks bluesgirl
I'm doing the best I can. No i havn't gone to any other meetings.
I would love to start a support group for spouses of addicts just so everyone could get together and touch base and support one another . Being we are all in the same boat. Give advise to each other, etc.
I don't have too many friends but I will tell you I certainly feel welcome here at SR. We all need someone to lean on.....

This is the best place

tropikgal2

Sunshine, if you filed a legal separation, he can't sell any of the possessions in the house (legally) or any of your property, period. If you think your things are in jeopardy, get your lawyer to take it to a judge so you can get your stuff out of there.

StarGazer6

If you would've given him more time, who knows what would happen but it's probably safe to say that nothing for the better would have happened. They want to believe that they are still in control and that they can quit if they really want to, my question is, then why do they have to do drugs every single day if they can quit? Sometimes I wish I could control all of my confused feelings but it's not like I've been through this before and most people that I know haven't experienced it first-hand. One day at a time... That's enough right now. Thinking about what could have been just hurts.

sunshinegirl

I filed for Divorce a few months ago . Just want my freedom. I know he shouldn't sell anything but I always worry when I'm at work that he might stop by the house. I know how his minds work, its just so sad. I will check with my attorney . I tell ya it really makes me so mad yet breaks my heart at the same time

dollydo

You can either be pro-active, ie, changing the locks, or, just react after something bad happens.

If you are worried about him stealing from you, change the locks...this is a business decision, the business of your life, your well-being. Let your attorney handle any legal reprecussions...that's what you are paying him to do.

Attorneys do not make your decisions for you, they only interpert the law.

StarGazer6

I think that alternating between feeling mad and hurt are all part of the process of getting over everything, or at least realistically confronting and dealing with the situation. It took me a couple of months to feel the anger part after me and my ex broke up 3 months ago. Over the last month I've definitely felt a lot more anger- anger that it didn't work out, that I put so much time (5 years) into a relationship that he chose to give up on, anger that his addiction is out of my control, anger that he doesn't understand how much he's hurt the people around him, anger that it's hard to get him out of my mind...the list goes on and on. But I don't cry as much as I used to, I have many bad days still but I don't start uncontrollably crying at the worst times very much anymore. Usually, I feel worse when I talk to him. I think it just takes patience b/c like everyone on here says, this too shall pass, and even though it always stings underneath my smile, I do have good days in between that are worth fighting for and give hope that it's just going to get better. I know I rambled but I hope that helps.

outonalimb

The legal aspect of divorce is pretty easy compared to the emotional one.

There is definitely a period of grieving that goes on...
All of my emotions were on overdrive in the beginning. Everything was extreme...extreme anger...extreme sadness...extreme fear, guilt, shame...
I felt like a big old gaping wound that would never heal.

But things DO get better.

Eventually, you start to feel good again...You start to see that there is a life outside of the insanity you had been living in for so long. I remember watching a silly commercial on TV one night...a few months after I left my exah and I laughed out loud. The sound of my own laughter caught me off guard. It just takes time. Be patient with yourself right now. Take long hot bubble baths...get your hair done...go out to lunch with a friend...join a gym...go buy yourself a pretty spring outfit. Do whatever makes YOU feel happy and good about yourself. The good days will outnumber the bad ones if you just give it time. I promise.

Stay strong...
You ARE strong!!!!!