Is it wrong to want to seperate myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: statesville, nc
Posts: 53
Is it wrong to want to seperate myself
I was excited about my ah coming home in a few weeks from rehab, that is until I found out that he would need 90 meetings in 90 days. I totally get that he needs that now (thanks to a lot of you). And I will do my part to see that he is able to go. He realizes he needs them too. Since coming to realize all of this that resentful selfish side of me is starting to creep back into my thoughts. I find myself wanting to pull away from him. I am already trying to detach. I don't know if this is my subconcious trying to protect my feelings or what. I just know that I will not see much of him when he gets back. I could tell tonight that he picked up on my distance and was upset by it. But I feel like we may drift apart anyway because he will have to concentrate on his recovery. Don't get me wrong I want him to get better. I just don't know where that leaves me other than lonely. I have gone without that for so long and It hurts to know that I still will go without. Is it wrong for me to pull away? I don't want to hurt him, I dont even want to go to the place to see him. It feels so depressing. I guess out of sight, out of mind. Now I have guilt for feeling this way too. Oh when will this BS stop. Suddenly my world has come to a complete halt. But I know he needs this, so I guess I just needed to vent.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Bren, now might be a good time for you to try some Naranon or Alanon meetings and get your own recovery under way before he comes home. Also, often these meetings are held at the same time as AA or NA meetings and maybe you and he could make a "night out" out of it one or two nights a week.
It will take a lot of adjustment on both parts and my prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
It will take a lot of adjustment on both parts and my prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
hi from just down the road in Charlotte! It's normal to have mixed feelings about your AH coming home. The first year of recovery is an extremely selfish time for a person in recovery. I decided to focus on my own recovery and that helped with the loneliness a whole lot. I went to Naranon/Alanon meetings and learned how to work on me. My RAH's counselor told us that the only way that our relationship would work is if we both were in recovery. I believe that that is true. I know that I couldn't have done it if I had not worked on me nor if I had not received a lot of support. I don't know that the BS of addiction will EVER stop......it does get better but this is a life long journey. Keep posting - I know how you feel.
Take care, Donna
Take care, Donna
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I agree with Ann. My daughter's NA meetings were help at the same time and place as my Naranon meetings. We would go together and sometimes eat afterwards.
Either way, I think it might help you if you were able to go to some meetings for you. You might actually make a connection with some of the people who have been where you are at now. That way you could both be working on your recoveries.
I know this is hard and seems like his disease is getting all of his attention. I have heard of some family members getting jealous of their addict talking so much to their sponsor and not to their family. But this is what they need at that time in order for them to recover.
It's not easy. I hate all of the things that addiction brings to all of us. Although, I can say that I have grown some (in good ways) because of my daughter's addiction.
Hugs to you and keep posting.
We are all walking the same path here.
Terri
Either way, I think it might help you if you were able to go to some meetings for you. You might actually make a connection with some of the people who have been where you are at now. That way you could both be working on your recoveries.
I know this is hard and seems like his disease is getting all of his attention. I have heard of some family members getting jealous of their addict talking so much to their sponsor and not to their family. But this is what they need at that time in order for them to recover.
It's not easy. I hate all of the things that addiction brings to all of us. Although, I can say that I have grown some (in good ways) because of my daughter's addiction.
Hugs to you and keep posting.
We are all walking the same path here.
Terri
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
A person can be in a room full of people and be lonely...or, just be by themselves, alone, yet, not lonely.
Another cannot make you happy, it is up to you. The world has not come to a complete halt, it still goes round n round.
What's another 90 days, in the overall spectrum of life, it's a mere blink of the eye.
Detaching is good, however doing it because he not going to be what you want him to be immediately, is not.
When he started to use, he left you, he drifted away from you. The only way you will get him back is to let him recover, and be patient.
You are jumping all over the place, awfulizing, time to refocus, on you.
Have you been to any meetings, I really think they would help you.
There are no quick cures, it takes the right attitude, and, the ability to understand recovery is a slow process, and I don't mean just his recovery, yours too.
Please consider going to meetings, they were a life raft for me.
My Best,
Dolly
Another cannot make you happy, it is up to you. The world has not come to a complete halt, it still goes round n round.
What's another 90 days, in the overall spectrum of life, it's a mere blink of the eye.
Detaching is good, however doing it because he not going to be what you want him to be immediately, is not.
When he started to use, he left you, he drifted away from you. The only way you will get him back is to let him recover, and be patient.
You are jumping all over the place, awfulizing, time to refocus, on you.
Have you been to any meetings, I really think they would help you.
There are no quick cures, it takes the right attitude, and, the ability to understand recovery is a slow process, and I don't mean just his recovery, yours too.
Please consider going to meetings, they were a life raft for me.
My Best,
Dolly
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
While he is doing his 90 in 90... how about you try to do your 90 in 90?
While active addiction is an extremely selfish act by the addict, recovery is just as selfish... they are literally fighting for their lives...
Maybe you can be a little selfish too... You are definitely worth it.
While active addiction is an extremely selfish act by the addict, recovery is just as selfish... they are literally fighting for their lives...
Maybe you can be a little selfish too... You are definitely worth it.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Bren, Hi I am to sure if I met you before on SR but if not welcome. Reading your thread brought me back to about 6 years ago when I was with my ex... my daughters dad. He is an alcoholic, landed in the hospital for almost having a breakdown.. figured out he was a alcoholic. To be honest I didnt even know he was but thats beside the point.
When he came home he did the 90 meetings in 90 days. Then I realized I was angry. Angry for everything he did that I knew about, angry that at his last drunk he left me penniless, angry about the things I learned what he would do to get a drink with out me knowing and then finally angry that he was doing the 90 meetings in 90 days, that he missed part of thanksgiving dinner so he could go to a meeting. I felt at the time he should have been home with his family, me, our daughter. I was jealous of his friendships he formed at AA. My head basically was up my butt. Then I realized that I needed help for myself, I wrote in a journal I started attending alanon and went for therapy. I couldnt understand why I was so mad at him at a time that he was trying to help himself. After a while of getting used to him attending meetings I saw a different person than before. He changed he became such a different person, a person that was happy, a person who would talk to me and teach me things. He learned so much about himself at that time.
Just wanted to share my expereince because I understand what your feeling. You need to focus on you, take care of yourself, and he needs to do the same for himself. And then you two could focus on eachother. And really try not to think of the mtgs as 90 mtgs in 90 days think of it as one day at a time.
hugs,
jewel
When he came home he did the 90 meetings in 90 days. Then I realized I was angry. Angry for everything he did that I knew about, angry that at his last drunk he left me penniless, angry about the things I learned what he would do to get a drink with out me knowing and then finally angry that he was doing the 90 meetings in 90 days, that he missed part of thanksgiving dinner so he could go to a meeting. I felt at the time he should have been home with his family, me, our daughter. I was jealous of his friendships he formed at AA. My head basically was up my butt. Then I realized that I needed help for myself, I wrote in a journal I started attending alanon and went for therapy. I couldnt understand why I was so mad at him at a time that he was trying to help himself. After a while of getting used to him attending meetings I saw a different person than before. He changed he became such a different person, a person that was happy, a person who would talk to me and teach me things. He learned so much about himself at that time.
Just wanted to share my expereince because I understand what your feeling. You need to focus on you, take care of yourself, and he needs to do the same for himself. And then you two could focus on eachother. And really try not to think of the mtgs as 90 mtgs in 90 days think of it as one day at a time.
hugs,
jewel
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
bren, it is up to you if you want to stick by your husband or not.do you want to leave before the miracle? how long it will take nobody knows but there meetings & there recovery has to come first if they want to survive.prayers,
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i understand how you feel, about wanting to pull away. i understand the fear of being lonely and hurt again. i think that it is a good idea to keep yourself seperated emotionally and financial. relapse sometimes happen so just in case, you will be prepared.
if i had to make a suggestion, it would be that you take it one day at a time. try not to think about tomorrow at all. maybe start with going to a meeting or two for yourself or with him, if you havent already started, keep posting here and asking as many questions as you like. try to focus completely on you. take a deeper look to find out what makes you think the way you do, what makes you tick.
in my opinion, your husband going to his meetings is no way as bad as you seem to think. my husband and i have a whole new relationship and as long as he continues to work on himself and me on myself, i think that our relationship can only get better, so far, it is by far better than ever, even before drugs.
try to live in this day, tomorrow has its own issues. you don't have to make a decision today. once your husband is out of rehab and is going to his meetings, you can always decide then what you want to do, time wil tell you what and when to do what, but for now, try to have a plan b and better prepare youself for the day that you feel its time to a decision. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
if i had to make a suggestion, it would be that you take it one day at a time. try not to think about tomorrow at all. maybe start with going to a meeting or two for yourself or with him, if you havent already started, keep posting here and asking as many questions as you like. try to focus completely on you. take a deeper look to find out what makes you think the way you do, what makes you tick.
in my opinion, your husband going to his meetings is no way as bad as you seem to think. my husband and i have a whole new relationship and as long as he continues to work on himself and me on myself, i think that our relationship can only get better, so far, it is by far better than ever, even before drugs.
try to live in this day, tomorrow has its own issues. you don't have to make a decision today. once your husband is out of rehab and is going to his meetings, you can always decide then what you want to do, time wil tell you what and when to do what, but for now, try to have a plan b and better prepare youself for the day that you feel its time to a decision. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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