So many questions

Old 04-03-2007, 03:02 AM
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Location: statesville, nc
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So many questions

Its me again. I have taken alot of the advice you all gave me and it has helped. Thank you. Yesterday I seemed to accept where I was at and did not feel so much anger and resentment. It felt good to have some of that lifted off of me. But I am up now at 4:30 in the morning because I can't sleep. My husband called last night from rehab. We had our usual 10 min. talk. He sounded good and I am greatful it seems to be working for him. And I don't mean to sound neg. but its easy when you are away from the pressures of family, work, etc. not to use or be tempted. I am so scared of things going back the way they were. He was never mean. Just emotionally detached. He has been on something every day for probably the last 30 years before going into rehab. He used to cope. Which comes to my next point. I am scared when he comes home I will need to walk on egg shells. Ya know? Dont want to upset him cause it might make him use. I know its not my fault he is where he is but I probably have aggravated the situation by putting pressure on him to get things done. I am assertive by nature and he is extremely passive (that is prob. due to 30 years of drug use. I am 38 he is 50. He mentioned last night that they suggest going to those meetings every night when he gets out. It sounds like He is going to be married to those meetings! I am all about supporting this but I think one night a week is sufficient. We both work and the only time I see him is in the evenings. All this is so new to me. All these different emotions are going through me and it makes focusing on what is important so hard. Well.... Thanks for listening.
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Old 04-03-2007, 04:04 AM
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I'm no angel!
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One in recovery has to be as selfish in recovery as they were when they were using. They one handely embraced drugs, and, they one handely have to embrace recovery.

As for you, go about your life, he has used for thiry years, he mind has been altered, he will never be the same man he was 30 years ago, he needs those meetings, he won't make it without them, and that is how you can support him, ninety meetings in 90 days. Ninety days is but a drop in the bucket, you
can live without him for those 90 evenings. If you think one night a week is sufficent, you are sadly mistaken.

He was away from all the pressures when he used, he was not really there for you and his family..he couldn't be, he was an active user.

We codies want everything to happen immediately, that's just not how it works, once he finally seeks recovery and is determined to quit for life, he will be in recovery for the rest of his life. He will always be an addict, it is just a matter of whether he is active or not active...that's it.

I know you love him, give him space and time when he returns, trying to kick a 30 year habit is not going to be easy, rehab is only the first step, not the cure all.

I wish you the best, keep posting, it will help.
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Old 04-03-2007, 04:30 AM
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I agree with Dolly he needs those meetings he will need the support he will get from those meetings from people who truley understand. They recommend 90 meetings in 90 days I really think he will need all the meetings he can get to stay strong. Most addicts who dont follow up with some sort of recovery meetings relapse. He needs to be just as selfish in his recovery as he has to be in active using. Maybe while he is going to his meetings you could find one too. I wouldnt discourage this. One meeting a week will not be good enough for someone who has struggled for 30yrs. If u really want him clean I would stand behind him and encourage the meetings. 90 in 90. Rehab isnt a magic cure.
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:36 AM
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Dolly is absolutely right.

I really, really hope that your AH does attend meetings. I hope that he gets very involved with his recovery and makes a full time job out of it because thats what it will take.

You've probably been handling almost everything by yourself up to this point anyway. Its not like your going to be picking up extra work because of this. But this time you'll be doing it with a sober, clean husband by your side instead of an addict. (hopefully!!) What a blessing that would be!!

The thing to remember is that rehab is NOT a cure. Its only the first step in a lifetime of recovery. Keep working on YOU...You can't control what your ah will do but you can find ways to live your life the way you want with or without his recovery in place. I'm not saying its easy...but..really...its the only way. Maybe you can attend some meetings of your own? Alanon and Naranan meetings can be extremely helpful!!

I wish you the best...
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Old 04-03-2007, 06:01 AM
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Originally Posted by bren38 View Post
I am so scared of things going back the way they were. He was never mean. Just emotionally detached. He has been on something every day for probably the last 30 years before going into rehab. He used to cope. Which comes to my next point. I am scared when he comes home I will need to walk on egg shells....
This is all new for me too! If you haven't already I would recommend reading the "Personal Property" sticky at the top of the forum. This helps me TREMENDOUSLY in terms of taking responsibility for my actions, thoughts and feelings and learning to advocate the "hands off" policy in terms of my abf's addiction.

Yes.. I think we are all scared of many of our addict's behaviors returning. I am currently struggling with the same thing- expectations. It is important to realize that rehab is not a cure all and that recovery takes alot of work and commitment (I have learned that from all the lovely individuals in this forum!)

In terms of walking on eggshells, I will pass on advice that I received in another post- detachment is extremely important. Learning to tailor our reactions so that they do not hinge completely on our addict's behavior (because quite frankly they are not even NEAR stable).

When people here first told me to "focus on me" I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this concept. Regardless of even being in a relationship with an addict- I have never truly believed I was worthy of focusing on myself and my own life. Now I am realizing that FOCUSING ON ME is a vital portion of detachment. When I am concentrating on myself and what needs to be done for me- it puts more power into my hands and less into the hands of others aka our addicts. What I hear you saying above is that "I am so scared things are going to go back to the way they were" (HIS behavior returning) and "I am scared I will need to walk on eggshells around him..." (Again, HIS behavior.) I think it's important to realize that you have no control over how he acts post rehab- you only can tailor yourself to deal with whatever comes up- being afraid only gives him and his addiction power over your well being.

I agree with Dolly about how codies want "immediate gratification" --- I am currently grappling with this. I think naturally as humans- and as people struggling with loving addicts- in some core of our being we truly want to hope for change- we want to believe in the goodness of our addicts.
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Old 04-03-2007, 06:24 AM
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grateful rca
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recovering addict here, i agree with dolly, recovery is for life, he will always need the meetings, his sobriety depends on them.

addiction is a very hard nut to crack, rehab is just the beginning, the hard part comes after release from rehab. it takes a lot of work and focusing on self to stay clean and sober. in time, he maybe able to go to a little less meetings but i think that only he knows what it will take for him to maintain.

maybe it time for you to dive into your recovery too. this too is hard work and for life. no i don't think that you have to walk on egg shells, you can not make him use or not use. its the choices that he makes for himself, his recovery has nothing to do with you. in my opinion, its good that he goes to as many as he needs to, and you do the same. i pray that he will continue to work a good solid program, you'll be glad he did.
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Old 04-03-2007, 06:42 AM
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i am glad he is getting some said 1 nite a week you think is the meeting they tell you 90 meetings in 90 days.then they will tell you 90meetings in goes on & has taken him 30yrs to get where he is.he will never be well,only better & to get that way he has to work this program everyday.i am sending prayers your way.keep posting & let us know how things are going.
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Old 04-03-2007, 08:04 AM
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let it grow!
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hello bren,

my daughter attends aa/na meetings every night. she has to go to say clean and sober. agreed, it is a big investment in time. but the rewards of recovery are well worth it.

blessings, k
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Old 04-03-2007, 03:41 PM
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Heather, Thanks for suggesting I read "personal property". You are right, it is extremely helpful. I will refer to it often.
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:38 PM
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As everyone above has said, he needs meetings to stay clean. My toughest challenge was to deal with ME. What did I want for my life?? What was good for me?? What hobbies did I have without my AH? What part of me did I lose by living with an addict? I didn't even realize these simple answers. I started going to Naranon, Alanon & CODA meetings & read, shared & read until it really started to sink in that I lost my whole identity in the addiction process. Once I even began to realize this could I work on resolving my issues instead of focusing on his recovery. My recovery became as important to me as his recovery did to him. It is 2 years later & I still have alot to learn, but like people always told me "Life is a journey, not a destination". Fortunately through recovery, I came to realize that my marriage was over & have since divorced. My Ex-AH is 2 years clean today & I still have frequent contact with him because of the children. I harbor no resentments towards him, my anger over the past lies & cheating is over. I am happy only through recovery & that is something for me that will continue through life. No I don't go to as many meetings as I did in the beginning, but I still practice in my every day life through reading, sharing & friends in recovery
Thanks for letting me share my experiences. Keep sharing, it is amazing what you can learn about YOU-the most important person in your life!!!!
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