Just some...stuff...
 

When I was considering the question of staying with my a or going NC, (Completely and for good)...

What I found was that I could come up with a convincing argument for either choice, depending on whether I focused on what I loved about him, or what I didn’t like…

The only way I was able to decide, was to completely remove my addict from the equation, and only ask myself if I liked MY life, the way it is right now.

If I could have any kind of life I desired, would I choose this one?

Without hesitation, my answer was”NO”! And this is the ONLY life I get! How sad!

I found that when I removed the “relationship” factor, I really wasn’t doing many things that I truly enjoyed. Things that brought me real joy and contentment!

I REMEMBER a time when I was not like that. I was just …me…. I was happier, more relaxed, and a lot more fun to hang out with.

(Ultimately he became extremely physical abusive, towards the end, so that made the choice for me actually.).

I had it very, very tough when I first left, (In the DV shelter, my life was anything but, my own. It’s a very controlling, isolating environment, and definitely a “last resort” only!)

It’s been several months since I left, and I am glad I did. I am very creative and I still look forward to creating a life I actually LOVE!

(Sometimes, I feel so greedy and protective of my time, my thoughts, my energy… I don’t know if I’ll ever want to share me with anyone, ever again LOL! )

Now though, I am struggling with, not letting the pain and anxiety of my abusive relationship, transfers into fear of future mistreatment! Lately, I seem to be feeling the same emotions that I had while I was in that relationship and I keep looking for a different cause. I am beginning to suspect that it’s just …I don’t know…habit? A conditioned emotional cycle? PTSD?

One day I’ll be optimistic, and then a couple days later, I feel so depressed and I can barely stand it! I can’t believe I’m getting in my own way like this!

I hope to God this is just a transitional period, maybe I’m just expecting too much, too soon? Why does every little set-back seem like such a big deal these days?!

JSM~is grumpy today.

every body has a bad day that can sometimes go in to a week. is that what it is? focus on you & what you want to do. maybe take up a hobby.i hope u get to feeling better soon. hugs,

If you look up the defintion of PTSD you see that being in a situation where you are fearing for your life can cause it. If you were physically abused then you would qualify. If the bad days become more frequent or more debilitating going to the doctor and discussing your symptoms may not be a bad idea. I know that we codies tend to think that we should be strong in all situations, but sometimes we need some help. Hugs, Marle