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help for me and my family

Old 04-02-2007, 11:27 AM
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help for me and my family

I have also posted this as a reply to the Naranon thread. Thank you.

My sister has been abusing pain medication for some time. My divorced parents have each given her $10,000 in the last 14 months. She will have back surgery in a few weeks which my dad believes will help her stop abusing pain meds. I have been told that he has also been giving her some of his own pain meds, as he has debilitating back problems. He is at the end of his rope, and when I suggest asking for help from a support group, or professional he just tells me he's doing everything he can and he gets angry with me. I want to write both of my parents a letter asking them to quit complaining to me (as they have for some time) about giving her money. She walked into a bank two weeks ago with forged papers bearing my mother's name and personal info to ask for a loan with my mom as the cosigner. She was denied as her credit is horrendous, and the only way my mom knew about it was due to a letter from the bank. My parents, who are divorced, won't talk to each other about her. My dad said it wouldn't help if he talks to my mom. They live in different states and my mom did write him a letter about 6 months ago outlinine all the money she has sent and that she is worried my sister in an addict. My sister went through a recovery progarm many years ago and never followed up after she was clean. It is breaking my heart to see what is happening to my folks, and now my sister has hinted that she would end it all if it wasn't for her son. I have called a professional counselor and just my sister a letter today telling her how devastated I would be if she ever hurt herself. But I will not send her money. I don't know if she is saying these things to get more money from my folks, but that is my suspicion. Can anyone recommend a book I could send each of my parents and resources for our family?
thank you so much,
m
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Old 04-02-2007, 11:35 AM
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Welcome Martha - Sorry I can't recommend any particular book for your parents - It is so frustrating trying to help a loved one that is addicted. I have an addicted daughter and recently had to step back from the situation - she is 40 and I also thought she was recovering but knew she needed more support than I could give her but she thought she could do it all on her own. Hope you find the support you need - you have found good people here at SR - someone will help soon. (((HUGS)))
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Old 04-02-2007, 11:39 AM
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welcome to S.R. there is lots of information here.read around.you are doing so good with the advise you gave your parents,they should not give your sister any more money.you ask about a book to send them,codependent no more by melody beattie, it is excellent. you are a very good sister & daughter.keep coming back.we r here for you.prayers for u & your family,hope
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Old 04-02-2007, 11:44 AM
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welcome martha, glad to meet you, the addict in my life is my husband. sorry that your sister is causing you guys so much pain. the first book that i thought about was what was recommended to me here, the book "CO DEPENDANT NO MORE" by melody beatte, i think. maybe if they have internet you can offer them sr, and suggest alanon or naranon meetings.

hopefully you have gone to a few yourself. there is not much more that you can do for your parents, they'll have to find there own way, and except the fact that they have done all they can. your sister will have to save herself. maybe you may have to take a back seat to your parents too, if it will help you to feel a little better about this whole situation. i know how hard this must be for you, but i think that you are doing the best you can right now, just to be able to take care of you. its hard enough to have to watch your sister do this to herself, but it has to be even harded to watch how your parents are handling all of this too. i'll keep all of you in my prayers, and i pray that your sister finds her way soon.
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Old 04-02-2007, 11:53 AM
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thank you

I have read that book and will send it on to my folks. And I do recognize the importance of taking care of myself - the hardest part is hearing my dad's voice. We yelled at each other on the phone yesterday for the first time in my memory. That's when I realized I need to step back and send them both a letter with a list of resources, which will include this forum. My dad doesn't use the net, but that doesn't mean he can't pick up a phone and ask for professional help. I just know he doesn't do that kind of thing. And I have to make peace with that. Thank you so much for the support. It has been a very rough few days, particularly with my sister's suggestions of hurting herself. She turns 50 in a few days, and on that same day I lost an ex-boyfriend to suicide, so it is really more than I can handle from her right now. And if she is saying it to get more money, than I know I am over my head! So again, I am grateful for finding this group.
cheers,
m
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Old 04-02-2007, 02:43 PM
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oh, M, you have a lot on your plate.i am so,so sorry about your boyfriend. i will say an extra prayer for him & all those that love him. i know this is all alot for you to handle.you sound as if you are doing ok with your recovery.as far as your dad he sounds like he is really in denial.do what u are comfortable doing & just pray for them.you can change nothing.big hugs, hope
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Old 04-02-2007, 04:47 PM
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Martha, I am glad you joined us and sorry for your pain. It sounds to me like somehow you have become the hub of the wheel of communication in your family, the central place where everyone gets the information about everyone else. No wonder you are feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.

You don't have to remain in the middle. Decide what feels comfortable for you and set boundaries on anything more. Once they learn that you mean what you say, they will stop dropping their loads on you.

We are powerless over others and our lives have become unmanageable....but they don't have to stay that way if we communicate our boundaries clearly.

Hugs
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Old 04-02-2007, 10:30 PM
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Welcome Martha, I think all 3 of you may benefit from some Alanon or Naranon meetings. Both groups have some free literature so you may want to try a meeting and get some info for your folks. I find the Naranon little blue book to be chock full of great information in just a few pages. There are online resources too with meeting schedules all over the country.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please stick around...there are so many understanding and terrific people here. Hugs
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Old 04-03-2007, 12:19 PM
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continued thanks

I so appreciate everyone's posts. My mom is going to her first meeting tonight. Surprisingly, it was hard to find one in her area in Maryland. I'm in CA and will look here, because yes, I need to go, too!! My dad is pretty much housebound, but that doesn't mean he can't pick up a phone. I have to set my boundaries with them. And I've written my sister to acknowledge that I know she has talked about hurting herself, and that it is not normal and there are resources available. I also, on the advice of a counselor friend, noted that anything she did like that would break my heart, and that she indeed is needed in this world. I know she is deep into her addiction right now, but I also want her to know she is still connected to the people around her. I am told that knowing that can help.
Again, thanks for the support.
I also ordered "Addict in the Family" for me and my parents as well as "Don't let your Kids Kill You"
thank you!!
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Old 04-03-2007, 01:06 PM
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it's nice to meet you, martha! blessings, k
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Old 04-03-2007, 01:29 PM
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(((Martha))))

This is such a painful road we travel !!!! Welcome to SR!! You've come to the right place.

I got a lot of good info from Addict in the Family, it's sooo helpful in understanding the module of addiction. We feel like the person we love has betrayed us. But they have been betrayed by a system that produces drugs that are soooo addictive.

My daughter is the addict in my life. And I know she didn't choose this lifestyle. They don't have a chance against these prescription drugs. They've been sucked into a dark place and don't know how to get out!!! But the sad thing is we cannot save them either.

But we can be here for them when they are ready for help. As we are here for each other. To lean on, walk beside on this journey.

Welcome
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