krhea75

My AS had a 12 hour pass yesterday and it went very well! We watched Basketball Diaries as part of his pass assignment, and then we talked about it. This was a difficult movie to watch, but I think it made some valid points about addiction and what it does to a person and a family. None of his friends came around to see him, not even his girlfriend. I was relieved, but felt a little sad for him. He seemed okay with it though. He is starting to look forward to being home for good. 3 more weeks! Yikes! Any suggestions about how to handle his transition back home? I feel that I understand addiction more, but I know there is still so much I don't get.

krhea

blackbird

Glad your time together went well, that;s always good. My ASN knows that the Titanic is my favorite movie and he told me many years ago to watch Basketball Diaries so I could see Leo Decaprio playing a herion addict, so one nite I rented it and it was disturbing but too much like our life, so you asked for any suggestions, I wish I could offer some about the transition, all I can say is there were 2 things in that movie that I remember as 2 defining lifechanging actions, the first was when his mother would not give him any money to enable his addiction which she followed thru and called the cops on her own son as she cried, also when Leo came of our prison and ran into his old friend who as always couldn't wait to offer him drugs, but he turned him down. You gotta use what you know and the he does too. Good luck. peace-blackbird

lil516

Glad to hear you had a nice visit...

I can understand your anxiety about his return home...hopefully there will be some time spent the next few weeks preparing an exit plan...out patient/meetings/sponsor

I know this is going to be out of your control but I'll pass on some advice for your son that actually came from my son after reflecting on his numerous relapses...

beware of hanging out with other newcomers!

my son came home from rehab and dutifully started attending meetings....

90 in 90 days etc...(you know the drill)...but he always gravitated to the other new guys...and then when one fell they went down together...each relapse was in the company of another addict struggling with early recovery

having said that...you can't control it but perhaps a little heads up might be useful if you get the chance to "chat" about how things are going...

now my son says he looks for the people with good clean time when he attends a meeting and tries to hear their message...

strong boundaries
keep the lines of communication open...
and pray!

hope213

really glad you had a good visit.as far as when he comes home it is the same as today.it is HIS recovery.let him work it & you work yours.nothing u can do to keep him clean except pray. prayers for u both,hope

bookmiser

I'm so glad your visit went well.
I really like what Lil said about finding someone that's been in recovery
a while and kinda have him do the "big brother" thing for your son.
It makes alot of sense. I really pray that this is his time, sweetie.
I know you've gone through alot. Worrying, and stuff.
Stay positive, focused, and above all supportive of him.
I know you can't be his warden, (even though I'd want to. lol)
but structure is so important. Especially for someone so young.
I think your gonna do great. Don't be nervous. Yeah, right. lol
We're all pullin' for ya here, Krhea.
From one mom to another,

washbe2

What a relief for you to have the visit go well. It's a little awkward for the family and the A - not know what the other is thinking and trying to be normal but different. You sound like a loving mom who doesn't oppose learning what is needed. I have a feeling that you will handle things just fine.
Washbe

greeteachday

Krhea, I know that the best thing to do is to let him find his way, but I also know that it is an added challenge when your child is a minor. Even without addiction, these are the times when kids are testing parental boundaries all the time. It's not an easy time for us and adding early recovery can be daunting. I have 2 friends from Nranon in a similar situation and they load up on meetings...it keeps them strong and focused.

You're a very caring mom, and I hope you won't mind me saying this, but it was a lesson I had to learn and maybe I can save you some pain. If you start feeling sorry for your son or want to make him feel better because you are sad he is going through this, you may find he will take advantage and cross any boundary you have. It's very, very hard not to hurt for our kids, but we really don't help them by letting them get away with things. It took me awhile, but I stopped being afraid to say what was on my mind...to say, no I do not want you doing xxx because we have not rebuilt trust, I will not feel comfortable, i will be concerned, so I am sorry, no. And when she was working recovery, she respected that and honored it. I knew when the stinking' thinkin' was coming back by the need to debate my boundaries. And then i had to stick to my guns and clearly indicate the consequence if the boundary was violated. It's a challenge when we aren't used to doing this with our kids, and I suspect you are/were a lot like I was and tend to let their emotions rule how we act and react.

Hugs and prayers.

teke

i'm happy to hear that your visit went so well, i agree with greet, stick to your boundaries, be yourself, allow him to work his recovery while you continue to work yours. i pray that this is his time, and i pray that things continue to go as well as this visit.

lil516

I agree with Greet...

It's hard when your child hurts...it's hard to see them feeling bad/sad....we want them to have the normal things that the other teens have....friends/dates/parties etc...

we want them not to be /feel different but unfortunately they are different...
by their own choice perhaps but they are different nonetheless

they crossed a line and altho life can still be good for them it will be different

help him find his path and find joy on his path

joy can't be found if he is always looking at the path not taken...
wondering or wishing he could be doing what others are doing...

Hangin' In

My sponsor tells me to go to as many meetings as I can...both Anon meetings and open AA or NA. They both educate me and help me to stay somewhat balanced. It's so important to get good, strong legs under you while they are IN treatment so you can be prepared when they get out. And guess what? I found out my sponsor is so right. (Well, I guess so. She's sober/clean for 21 years and has 22 years in Al Anon and has peace like I've never seen. Why? She works her program. )

Hugs,
Hangin' In

krhea75

Wow greet, have we met before? You know me exactly! I do feel sorry for him and then it makes me weak. I will definitely work on it. Thanks for the reminder about staying strong and keeping my boundaries in tact.
krhea