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during the al-anon meeting this was said.....

Old 04-01-2007, 09:28 AM
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during the al-anon meeting this was said.....

friends,
I went to an al-anon meeting on Friday and it was designated as a speaker meeting but before that a member read from the Courage To Change Book and the One Day At A Time Book. After reading she stated that she was at a point in her life that she felt as if just remembered to "mind her own business" everything else fell into place.........so what do you think? Agree or disagree? I really don't know if she was trying to state a personal opinion(I believe maybe she was) or if she felt that was the best way of applying portions of the steps to life in general. I am facing having my son return after six months clean(in rehab) and am just basically getting apprehensive. So if I stay out of his way and let the chips fall where they may.....is that right or can you offer support? And if so, how much? Do you wait for them to call you or do you call them? Any advice would really be appreciated..... I guess I need guidelines from someone who has walked the walk from experiencing an adult child leaving rehab.(i.e. he has no job to come home to but his wife is giving him this last chance to come to their home and try to put their family life together again)my thanks.........dixie
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Old 04-01-2007, 10:10 AM
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I think that "minding my own business" is a good way to live. I don't always practice it, but am getting better. When you think of it (except in the case of children) the only person that we have control over is ourselves. I find that staying out of my AD's business helps me keep the chaos out of my life. As for your son, he is a married, adult male. I can understand the apprehension but you really can't do anything about whether he stays clean or not. Only you can decide what kind of a relationship you want with him. When my daughter came home from rehab, I was a mess. I was so afraid that she would relapse that I could not enjoy her. I wanted to micromanage her life. She did relapse and is currently active in her addiction. Looking back, I could no more stop her relapse than to stop a speeding freight train. If and when she ever gets into rehab again, I will let her be the captain of her ship, so to speak. That way she can not blame anyone but herself if she relapses. I wish you well with your son, just remember his addiction, his recovery. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-01-2007, 10:26 AM
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Yep, Mind your own business (MYOB).... tough to do, excellent advise.

Another good one I got the other day at a meeting... "Shut my Mouth".

Both are direct and were new to me.

Both work.

I can't CAUSE addiction
I can't CONTROL addiction
I can't CURE addiction


I think those 3Cs play into MYOB and Shut my mouth.

((hugs))
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Old 04-01-2007, 10:53 AM
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I always like the one "Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth."

One of the best lessons I learned was to mind my own business. I learned that if something didn't have my name written all over it...I didn't own it. And I learned that what anyone else thought of me was none of my business.

Each word of that will sound crazy to the newcomer, but in time each one will make so much sense you'll come to live by those words.

Dixie, it sounds like your son will be living with his wife, yes? My thoughts are to treat him like any mother would treat a son, with respect for his privacy (which means not questioning his recovery or his relationship each time you talk to him), with love and care, and not feeling like you have to walk on eggshells for fear of him getting upset and going out to use.

Just be yourself, work on your recovery and let him work on his, and try to find some happiness in every day.

Hugs
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Old 04-01-2007, 10:53 AM
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MYOB...I like it!! I do!!!

The addict in my life isn't my child but I think the basic principals are the same. I think we all have an inner radar that goes off when the addiction starts seeping into our everyday life. We just have to listen for it and take steps to keep it from happening.

Try taking it one day at a time and only do what you're comfortable with...In time, you'll see which way he's heading.

I pray that your son finds a good path. And I pray that your HP will guide you. He will. I just know it.

Hugs
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Old 04-01-2007, 12:54 PM
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i agree with ann, i kind of like minding my own busness, i find that its easier for me not to get all caught up in someone elses issues. i think that his addiction and recovery belongs to him, but he is your son, and addiction does not change that. i think, continue to focus on you. keeping all of you in my prayers, and i pray that your son continue in his recovery.
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Old 04-01-2007, 02:12 PM
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Thats what is working for me also. That, and turning my AD over to God.
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Old 04-01-2007, 03:16 PM
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Itís a good rule. The tricky part can be distinguishing between what's YOUR business and whatís NOT.

There are two questions I always ask myself before I say or do anything:

"Is it going to HELP or is it going to HURT?"

If it's not gonna help anyone, and it just might hurt someone...then I don't "go there".

If itís not going to do either, then likewise, I don't do/say it.

Obviously... if it wouldn't help, and ONLY has the potential to hurt....Same thing.

I find this helps me examine my motives, and is a good guide, for when action is called for, or when I need to just MMOB.

JSM
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Old 04-01-2007, 03:23 PM
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Yes, when it applies to a relationship with an adult, I agree MYOB.
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Old 04-01-2007, 05:05 PM
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So if I stay out of his way and let the chips fall where they may.....is that right or can you offer support? And if so, how much?

Yes, I have found staying out of the way helps both of us. I think it is very possible to offer support and still mind my own business. Support to me is being there to listen IF she wants to talk...Showing by action (or lack of action as in MYOB) that I love unconditionally. Biting my tongue when i want to give advice that has not been sought. Never, ever asking did you go to a meeting, but listening if she wants to talk about something about recovery. Support to me is calling my daughter to say hello and I love you, not what are you doing...where have you been.

Hugs and prayers.
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Old 04-01-2007, 05:27 PM
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thank you for the previous post. i really needed to see that in print. now I am going to try to daily put it in practice........thanks so much....dixie
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Old 04-01-2007, 05:29 PM
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I am dealing with the same issue, except my son is just turning17 and will be living with me for another year at least. He has been in rehab for 9 weeks with 3 more weeks to go. How will I stay out of his business when he gets home? Or should I? I appreciate what marle said about not being able to stop their rehab if it is going to happen. It's just a very antsy, scary feeling.
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Old 04-01-2007, 05:32 PM
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like thi s thing mind your own busiines..
hardto do though...
but its hard becouse some stuff r everyones bussines,,
butas longa s its good than i do try to mind my own bussines,,
oh lolol
did i tellu im anoseee person lol
that why its kinda hard for me,,, but i TRY lol
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Old 04-01-2007, 07:23 PM
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I agree with hopeforever....easy to do on paper, hard to do in real life. My addict is my husband, (who is currently doing very well! Keep fingers crossed!) but since our lives are in intertwined as far as property and business ownership ( we own some together and some separately), I HAVE to know what is going on because I have to protect my interests. However, I don't nag him or stay up his butt 24-7. Since I know what to "see" now as far as behaviour goes etc. I think I will know, and take the appropriate steps.
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Old 04-01-2007, 07:57 PM
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What does that mean to me?
I have a dear friend whom I love to pieces. She moved away to get a better paying position with the same company as me.She and I would talk, but it became less and less over the last year. The last I saw her was Thanksgiving
Her addictions kicked in, and within one year, she was arrested and lost her good paying job.
I heard about all this through others in the company. I have not spoken to her at all about it. I won't either. Its her addiction and it's up to her to do something about it. If she calls me, then I will simply tell her what any good friend would, "GET YOUR BUTT INTO AA".
I hate it for her. But, I do not wish to get involved in the drama she's created. It would be a nightmare for me. So, now, I just pray for her wellness and safety.
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Old 04-01-2007, 08:24 PM
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i agree with the others.mine your own business.i have really put this one to use since he was released from prison in sept. before i always tried to guide him this time i said nothing. either way he chose to do as he pleased & always wound up in trouble.this time i am in the back seat because i did mind my own business.it gets easier as you pratice it.
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Old 04-01-2007, 08:31 PM
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Dixied,

Yep, MYOB...and do it for your own good as well as for your son. He's a grown man. If anyone needs to be concerned with his life, it's his wife, not you. But even she needs to remember those 3 C's Big Sis mentioned. Btw, does the wife go to meetings? If not, I'd recommend she go to Al Anon, too.

My Al Anon sponsor gave me a great example of how to determine if something is or isn't my business. Said take a hula hoop and drop it over my head and let it fall to the fall. What is INSIDE the hula hoop is my business. What is outside, well.......leave it alone. Easy to say, hard to do but I've found my life goes so much better when I keep the focus on me and my recovery and quit trying to run everyone elses life or just to know what is going on in their life.

And guess what? My family likes it so much better that way. I just find it so strange that they don't want me all up in there business. What is wrong with them????????? : Ok, so nothing is wrong with them. The problem happened to be ME. (Ouch, that hurts.) But now that I've realized that, I love not being caught up in the drama of everyone elses life. It frees me up to have a great life myself.

Hang in there, dixied. There is life after rehab for both your son and you....a good life if you keep working the program.

Hugs,
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Old 04-01-2007, 09:35 PM
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my thanks to hanging' for the post........just seems I am conflicted because if I had not gotten involved previoul;y when he was in the active throes of addicition I know he would have died.....the Dr. in the ER told me so.........so I guess I am trying to resolve all of this............like when is enough enough? Especially when he couldn't really see how bad it had gotten.........in other words if you can't (meaning the adult son) can't make a decision because of active addicition do you let them continue on in harms way? Just trying to sort it all out.....my thanks....dixie
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Old 04-02-2007, 02:57 AM
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Dixied I understand your dilemna.

First I am going to put on my "sober and clean hat", lol and tell you this:

When I wanted or needed or craved alcohol and drugs no one, and I mean NO ONE had better get in my way, I would have mowed them down. In other words there was no stopping me and there was nothing that anyone could have done or did that would stop me. My own addiction had to bring me to my knees.

Now, having said all that, you think in sobriety I would know that, rofl, NOPE. At 3 years sober and clean my sponsor had to STRONGLY SUGGEST that I attend Alanon. WTF?? Well, needless to day she was correct. I was now on the "other side" and didn't have a clue what to do about my then AH. Sheesh, I had to really learn how to Mind My Own Business and just let him 'run with it.'

Oh that was so hard. I mean I had all these thoughts, 'why couldn't he see what it was doing to him and to us?' 'maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.' 'If I was a better person, he would stop.' 'If he loved me he would stop.'

I knew all those thoughts were crazy, h*ll I was coming up on 4 years sober and clean, yeah right. Well this time his addictions brought me to my knees. I finally got it:

I didn't Cause it,
I can't Control it, and
I sure in h*ll can't Cure it.

I got real busy with my AA/NA/and Alanon meetings, and was finally able to make the Pro and Con List of to stay or to go. After a long time of working on that list, much writing and much discussion with both my AA and my Alanon sponsors I filed for divorce.

It took a long time to get through this thick skull of mine that the only person I can help is ME.

Alanon has helped me tremendously in my "Sober Life." It has made the relationships I have with my sponsees so much better.

Dixied I have to tell you that early in 1979 when I was 33 1/2 yrs old my parents literally 'shut the door on me.' Told me if I called they would hang up, and they did, and that if I came to the door it would be closed in my face, and it was, that it was my problem and I would have to fix it. It took me another 2 1/2 years to be brought to my knees. I was 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday when I reached my bottom.

On June 7th I will celebrate 26 years Sober and clean and on June 24th I will celebrate 23 years in Alanon. Without both of those programs....................................I would either be dead today, or in a mental ward.

Later when I was again able to have a relationship with my folks, my mother told me that she had reached the end of her rope and if she had not cut the ties with me when she did that both she and my father would have ended up on a mental ward in padded cells. In the final conclusion, they had to save themselves, and pray that HP would save me.

Only you know how much you can take Dixied. It is a very hard road you are on now. Please know that we will walk with you, and help in any way we can.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care!

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-02-2007, 05:51 AM
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laurie,

that was such an insightful reply and it helped me tremendously. I thank you for your friendship and helping me see the other side of the coin so to speak. His six month completion date in rehab is April 26 and I am just so very scared. Please keep me in your thoughts and congratulation for choosing the road you did. I know it took strength on your part and probably wasn't always easy...........my thanks again..........dixie
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