Ex-ABF won't quit
 

Hi all. Well, hope everyone's having a great weekend.

I'm doing well... however, have a problem - anticipated by all who've heard the story, I am sure. I broke up with ex-ABF about a month ago, and he will not leave me alone.

He's stopped coming by - thank goodness - but he sends text messages and calls and, I just can't deal with it anymore! He is using all sorts of things - namely the dog we used to share, which was a "gift" to him, so he's got him - to make me feel guilty. And it is kind of working.

Tonight it was "I thought we could still be friends" because I haven't gotten back to him. And trying to talk to other people about me too... trying to find out about me, what I've been doing, etc.

I guess I'm down to no-contact now. I used to respond to him, because I felt bad not doing it, but now - it just seems to fuel the fire.

I don't know what I want. I just want to hear that I'm doing the right thing, probably! :) But anyone with similar experiences... your advice is welcomed.

my addict is my son but i do think you are doing the right thing.it could be he still needs you & u are miss leading him by even talking to him. sending hugs your way,hope

Thanks Hope. I think so too. Haven't responded at all in several days - my serenity is more keen, at least - except for when he tries to contact me.

Hello Trying..

My AH is text messaging me like crazy. Adleast 3-4 times a day.. then the actual calls.. about 2 of those a day. I finally had to ask him to stop yesterday. The guy never gave a *hit when we were together! He wouldn't even call when he was late. NOW all of a sudden it's blablabla-beepbeepbeep-
ringringring!
Although I had to say, it was my fault. 2 weeks ago I went to pick up my son on sunday. My AH was clean, looked sooo good and finally looked at me with love. He suddenly grabbed me, swung me around and gave me the best smooch ever! (horrible I know) My heart melted and I giggled alllll day.

What a joke. Now he's back using again. I know this because he isn't talking about his recovery, he is ending the conversations very short, dry mouth, slow speech yada yada. I'm just glad that I set my boundaries and prepared myself for that to happen, sooo i'm not hurt for him using. Cause I'm here and not there. Well I know not to do THAT again... smooching our husbands! Damn them lol

Sorry I'm not talking about you anymore am I? I guess it's saterday and I'm happy that someone's up! lol

Funny
 

Funny how they call too much, or they dont call at all. Crazy addicts!!

i think that maybe he is finally being allowed to suffer some of the consequences of his own actions. from my experience, everytime i began to stop being the victim and began to move in the opposite direction, my rah soemetimes would also turn and try to come after me. i think that you are doing great and moving in the right direction

Yes, no contact, really the only answer. You are doing a great job, keep moving forward.

Hugs,
Dolly

As usual, I agree with Miss Dolly here. No contact, even if that means changing your phone numbers, is the only way to get through to anyone who won't listen.

And...if they are not respecting your wishes now, it isn't likely they will respect them tomorrow. Sometimes we have to just take back our own power and leave them to find their own way.

Hugs

Trying,

I too think "no contact" might be required here. I ended up having to do that when my X wouldn't let it go. I had to explain to him what I was about to do, and why, and then just do it and turn away. He's not used to anyone saying "no" to him, so it went on for a while until I had to block his phone number, block his emails through my internet provider, and other things.

It felt so wrong at the time, but it turned out to be so right. He was eventually able to get on with his life, which he never would've if he'd still had hopes I'd come back. And I of course had much greater peace of mind, and life got infinitely better for it. In a strange way, it was an act of love for both of us.

Good luck with this. I think you're doing the right thing.

Hugs,
GL

Yeah.. no contact is the way.
Here is the funny thing for me.. I post to a photo forum I go on and XABF sometimes answers my posts (he does know photography and he is very adept technically). He posts under a pseudonym as well as his own name. It is his only method of contact and once I posted back to his pseudonym with his real name so HE knows I KNOW... I have not done that again and won't and I never answer any of his posts under either name. He is Idiotic.

He does not call and I have set up all the texting and email to get deleted so I never see it. If he tries I just get a report of his name as a blocked sender who attempted to contact me. He has not tried now for over a week (I told him what was happening to his email etc. and to cease contact.. and he sent me something after that but it was deleted so I have NO idea what he said to me).

I think Teke said to me once, it is not that they want you back, it is just that they want to keep the hook in you so the door is never shut. It is sort of like they build a spider web of old contacts that if they absolutely had to they could go back to.. like a safety net.

Well, this piece of web has broken and if he tries to fall here I am going to step aside and just watch him go Sailing Right By down Thru the Hole and consider it Free Entertainment or something...

I WISH there were no contact... that would help my recovery sooo much. But what if you have children together?

I also, I'm sure, gave my xabf more chances than some people would have given.... guess that's why I was sooo broke for sooo long. Now I have caller id, and don't answer. You are doing great, keep moving forward.

Hi Trying,

Sorry you are still struggling with him. Do you have a restaining order against him? If you don't, you might want to consider it. I don't know what the law says in Texas, but in Tennessee you can get one to stop unwanted visits, calls, texts, etc.

Not that the piece of paper itself will probably stop him. I have one against my XAH and he chose to ignore it. He started coming to the house, at first for legitimate reasons and being very humble and polite. But gradually he got more and more bold, and then the phone calls and voice mails started. He got very beligerent and threatening last Wednesday, so I called my lawyer on Thursday.

She filed 14 counts of contempt of court against him saying that he obviously thinks the law doesn't apply to him and he needs a reality check. I told her to do whatever she thinks is best.

That kind of thing would have been SO out of my comfort zone a few months ago. But that's why I hired a lawyer that has a reputation of being a pit bull! LOL!

Maybe if you got the order and he continues to violate it, you could give him a little reality check as well! I know you probably would hate to do that; so did I. But unfortunately addicts don't play nice.

yes i did say something like that only i think that they really might want you but what they want, is their cake and to eat it too. they seem to want to keep you hanging on, for when all else fail they can always go back home. well that's what i think anyway, but what do i know?

i think that they may want you but they think that its okay to up you on the shelf for a little while, cause you ain't going no where, they can come back to you. crazy huh!

You may know from my recent introduction that this is day 2 of me locking my ABF out of the house. He called me earlier today and was not nice to say the least. I just drove home from running an errand within 5 miles of the house he is staying at. We manage rental properties and he is staying in one of the vacant houses.

I successfully fought the urge to drive by. Whew .... but all the way I am composing a letter to him in my head thinking I can get him to remember how our love and our life used to be and to get him to "wake up" and stop using.

Then I get back home and read all these posts about no contact. And to think here I was thinking about offering myself up to his addiction. It's just so painful to still be so in love with the memories of "us." It's difficult for me to accept the fact that I can't make him get clean ... he is the one who choses life with a needle in his arm.

Thanks everyone .... I'm trying to focus on my own recovery now that I've realized I need one.

Live - it is hard sometimes.

I am finally over the idea of "us". To tell you the truth - the way he's conducted himself since the actual "breakup" has made me so unattracted to him that I don't have any desire to think of it anyway. It is amazing the perspective that you can get if you will actually allow yourself the space to get it. I thought I would be so lonely - so crushed - so lost. It just hasn't been the case - because I was already all of these things even when he was with me. For me, it all came down to realizing that there was a divide as wide as the Grand Canyon between what I wanted him and us to be and what he really was, and of course what we really were. It was about as ridiculous as me actually getting worked up, over and over, every day, about the fact that I'm not a famous movie star.

Anyway, it is just hard to tell someone who is in some genuine, serious pain that you don't want to see him again. It is like the nail in the coffin for him right now.

By the way - just to make it clear - I'm not scared of this man at all. He is and always has been a very gentle person, and he's just very "sad", not angry with me. I would never get a restraining order against him. I haven't even been all that stern with him specifically because he is so gentle. But he wouldn't ever hurt me. He just keeps coming up with these reasons that he needs to see me... to talk to me... and I have to just put my foot down. There aren't any "real" ones left anymore.

Hi trying,

Just wanted to pop by and add my support.
I am so sorry you're hurting. It's normal to struggle, especially it is so recent.
I also did the "no contact policy" and it worked, at least it worked for me to get my strength back. However after few months i was right back in his arms..hum...
It's a tricky position to be in. My advise is to just do what you feel confortable to do at this moment.

Hugs
Carine

Thanks everyone.

Well, it is getting worse. I pretty much did no contact for four or five days, and then made the mistake of talking to him when he SHOWED UP at my house uninvited. Anyway, he only stayed for about fifteen minutes, and I never, ever give him any "hope" either... but apparently it was an awful move, because he went to my house the next day while I was at work and did all this work around the outside of my house, and then left me a message and said it was a "present" that I couldn't give back.

Today, all kinds of messages... I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm being "punished" for being so stupid as to get into a relationship with him in the first place!

Here in NY you can tell him NO CONTACT. PERIOD. No email, no phone calls, no contact in person.
Then if he does contact you, the State Police can pick him up for Aggravated Harassment.

BTW codies can be charged with and picked up for that too in NY.

Of course, you have to be certain when you say this and stick to it (I have). I also spoke with the State Police. The trooper and I had a conversation and I xplained to him I had never been in anything like this b4. He listened and said if he contacts me again then we would go after him, but at this point, he has been relegated to the level of a "nuisance." That is pretty degrading.. LOL

I really hope it doesn't come to that. I know it is a very real threat in some people's lives... just never thought it would be mine!

I'm going back to no contact. It seems that anything that I do - good, bad or indifferent - just spurs him on.