Strong one day---Fragile the next

Old 03-31-2007, 01:25 PM
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Strong one day---Fragile the next

It's the weekend again, and I am climbing the wall. It has now been seventeen days since I have seen my ABF. How could I not worry? He has broken his pattern. He used to call or come home after three or four days. What now? I am beginning to wonder if he is dead. He had starting stealing crack from his dealer. I know this is bad business. I can't just sit back patiently and wait for a call.

Thurs. nite, I went to the police station and tried to file a missing person's report, but they refused to file it. They just said that's what crackheads do, but this time is different. He had no extra clothes with him, and he has never left this long without calling and coming home. I called the police in the town where I believe him to be, and they told me that the police where he had residence had to file the report. I told them that these people had refused, and he told me to go back and ask them again. He said they couldn't lawfully turn me down.

I went back today and asked again. This time I told the officer what I wanted to do. I told him if he was going to refuse to file the report, I wanted him to put his refusal in writing, and I would take it to a lawyer Mon. morning. This time an officer went ahead and filed the report. He said it would have to be typed up, and it will not go into the computer till Monday. I gave him all the details and told him why I was so worried this time. If they had filed the report Fri. when I asked, the info would have already been in the computer. I feel in my heart that something bad has happened. Because he's a crackhead, nobody gives a crap but me.

Everything my boyfriend owns is here. He has nothing but the clothes on his back, and it's been 17 days. I am worried. I am depressed and dysfunctional.

I got out a while ago and went to the movie store and checked out a movie. I know I won't watch it because I feel so horrible. I know you all say I should take care of me, but right now, I am hurting too much. I can't do it. I am just here. I am still on the roller coaster: strong one day and fragile the next.
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Old 03-31-2007, 01:37 PM
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oh honey, i do understand. this has got to be hard for you. try to say a prayer & i'll say a prayer & we will start the chain.hugs,hope
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Old 03-31-2007, 02:28 PM
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Thank you for saying I did right with the missing person's report. This is not the same song, second verse. This is a new ballgame. Something is very different this time. The young black man who took the report was understanding. He seemed to uderstand more than the other cops. Hardly anybody out there seems to have a heart for him or for me. They act like they think I deserve this for getting involved with him. It's like they just don't think he's a human being, too. He's just a crackhead. He's not just a crackhead to me. How do you think I felt the other nite when they refused to file the report? I want to know what has happened to him. If he's just using, fine, but if he's OD'd or shot, I want to know that, too. I think I have enough reason to suspect foul play. The officer asked me why I didn't go get him when he called, and I said because I had gone and gotten him in the past, and he had just gone right back out. This time, maybe I should have brought him home. I don't know. My only hope is if he's still alive, he's reaching his rock bottom and will get the kind of help he needs. It's only a matter of his making up his mind that he can beat this, no matter how badly it hurts. He might not be able to feel love right now, but I know in the past, he did love me. He never laid a hand on me, no matter how badly he was craving a fix. That just wasn't his way.
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Old 03-31-2007, 02:48 PM
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Faith, read sites about "what addicts do". As use continues, they escalate. Mine didn't start by disappearing for days. In the last year before we split, he took off for 3 weeks & ended up in a psych ward. I know this is very hard. I know it would drive me crazy too. yes, you did the right thing. Unfortunately, you did all that YOU can. I know I'd be feeling the same way you are. I still do. I still have bad days & good days & great days. And we are 2,000 miles apart. Believe it or not, several months ago I woke up in the middle of the night & knew he was back in jail. Guess what?? He was for 90 days.

I don't know how they last as long as they do. Mine has been shot, stabbed, beat up several times & still comes out on top sooner or later.

Hang in there. This is NOT easy. And for him to do this to you is NOT what you want with your life. This is NOT a relationship.

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Old 03-31-2007, 03:20 PM
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Jail would be good news

If I found out he is in jail or in a psych ward, I would be very relieved. There comes a time when you would love to see instituion as opposed to death. The psych ward idea is another reason I am bothered. The last time he called, he asked me to help him figure out how to get admitted to one. I told him I would help him, but he didn't call back the next day. He's been in rehab and failed so many times that I am honestly afraid that he has had all he can take of life. This is the limbo thing. These four walls and solitude are killing me.

You are right about this not being a relationship, but I'm sure not looking forward to another relationship. This one hasn't ended least not with closure.

Last edited by faith123; 03-31-2007 at 03:22 PM. Reason: add-on
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Old 03-31-2007, 03:35 PM
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Try not to awfulize. Most of the time when I do that, I've wasted my day on thinking about all the "what ifs". That's the craziness of our disease. Nine times out of 10 the "what if" never happens.

Do whatever it takes to get the focus off of him and on to you. Call a friend. Go somewhere. Move a muscle, change a mood. Sitting, worrying about what COULD happen will only make you more crazy.

Hang in there, honey. And do you go to meetings? If so, find one. If not, find one anyway and start attending. There is great support from face to face Anon friends during times like these.

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Old 03-31-2007, 07:02 PM
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would it help you to make a call to his family? just to see if they have heard from him? all you want to know is if he's been seen or heard from maybe.

my husband disappeared for 17 days and i was worried sick, i thought the same thing, that maybe he was somewhere dead, but i finally called the jail, hospital and family members and job, no one had seen or heard from him.i ran into him crossing a street near where i lived almost ran him over, didn't even recognize him until i stopped the car. he decided that he would live on the street getting high, he decided to just quit trying. i guess his plans were to just disappear from family. who knows the mind of an addict. i pray that he shows up real soon.
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Old 03-31-2007, 07:22 PM
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So sorry for the worry and panic your feeling over your abf not showing up or calling. Sending prayers and hugs your way for strength and answers.
Last week, my as called me late in the evening.
He said that he'd broken his hand and needed a ride to a hospital.
I was at work and told him I would call him as soon as I was done.
About an hour and a half goes by, and I am finally able to call.
He's frantic, saying no one will take him. He said his dad was chasing him.
(they were both drunk) He also said that someone had called the police and that he was down the road and could see the lights of the cop car.
He was breathing loudly into the phone and telling me he had to hide. (he has warrants)
Then the phone went dead. I went nuts. I was crying and my husband says if you want to go out there, get your shoes on and let's go.
I thought about all the times I had "run" to my son, thinking that he neeeded me and if I were to help him, again, he would go to rehab and really try this time.
I said no. Then I called his dad's house. He answers and says that his grandma is taking him to the hospital. I said, "what about the police?"
He says, "oh, I guess they went down the road". aaarrrrggggg!
He did fracture a bone in his hand. They wrapped it, was going to give him a prescription for ibuprophen (sp?) 800mg. He threw the script back at her and told her that it wouldn't do sh*t for him.
Next day, I call and he had no recollection. None. He won't even bother to go to the specialist to have his hand fixed. Says he fine.
Here I was, terrified for him, and he was doing what addicts do.
Stirring up drama, chaos, and wanting everyone that enables them to come running. I can't do it anymore. I give it to God and just pray for his safety and health.
Try to get some rest. Try not to imagine awful things, and I'm sure you'll hear from him soon. Thinking of you,
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Old 03-31-2007, 07:27 PM
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Faith, Just wanted to send you some big hugs. I reported my daughter missing last fall after she and her abf got evicted from their house and I did not know where she went. The police told me that she is an adult and if she does not want me to know where she is that is her right. They did not look for her or file a report. She later called me and told me where she was. Your abf is probably on a really long crack binge and really does not care if he has clean clothes, etc. The drug is more important. I won't tell you to not worry. That is your right. But I will send you hugs and prayers and hopefully you will find out soon where he is and you can then relax and start taking care of you. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-31-2007, 07:41 PM
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You are awfulizing, and obsessing.

He is not lost, he knows where he is and what he is doing. He is an adult, not a child and you are not his mother.

He is taking up way too much space in your being, and he can only do that if you allow it.

Get out, make a date with your family or friends. Start living your life, not his, as this is something you cannot do.

The officers are thinking with their heads, not their hearts. They are right, that's what addicts do.

You can't spend the rest of your life, sitting back and obsessing, this is very unhealthy for you...and it will do nothing for him. He is doing what he wants to do, not what you want him to do.

I know you are concerned, but there is a fine line between caring and obsessing.

Get some rest, refocus on you, go to meetings do anythng, just do something for you

Let go, turn him over to the HP, and, start living your life.

Get out and enjoy your weekend...

My Best,
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Old 03-31-2007, 08:15 PM
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I know this is HARD HARD HARD. I can't even imagine. my abf never disappears for more than 8 hours at the most, and reality is, if I needed to I could probably find him. And when all else fails I send him messages on his cell and he answers them at some point within an hour or two. I can't even imagine not knowing where he is for days and days.

All you can do is hang tight. The police are remarkably non-chalant when it comes to drug addicts. I wonder how they can live with it if something bad happens and they could have just spent a little bit of time looking for the person and prevented tragedy.

Now, keep in mind, drug dealers, users, etc. are really, really paranoid, and do not want trouble in the places they sell and use their drugs, if he was sick or needed medical care someone would have dumped him at an ER somewhere. Have you tried calling hospitals? One day I did and just casually asked for my abf as if he was a patient there and I was just trying to call his room. This might be more comfortable for you than calling and saying "Is there this guy there???"

Remember--most of the time, these things turn out to be something that you just get pissed off at them about rather than something that turns out to be a tragedy. They went off with someone in a drugged-out stupor, ended up in another city with no money to get home, the battery on their cell died and they had no way of charging it.

Keep us informed, I hope it works out, I feel for you.
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Old 03-31-2007, 08:21 PM
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Dolly, you are right. I have been obsessing today. I finally made myself get out of the house. I washed my car. It was really dirty, so it took a long time, but doing something did help. I feel better now. I even went to WalMart and got something to make the tires look shiny and black, and something to make the car smell good. It's amazing what a little cleaning will do to lift your spirits. It's just that these feelings come and go. If I wasn't by myself all the time, it would be better. I am living like a hermit. It sucks, but that's what depressed people do. At one point, I will be fine, and the next, I will be in the depths of despair. Still, things are not the same this time, and there is a possibility that something has happened.

It means a whole lot to hear back from all of you on this site. Whether it's words of kindness and sympathy, or someone telling me to get my act together, it helps a great deal.

Teke, I have called his daugter who lives in the same town, and no one has heard from him. He is probably doing what your guy was doing: giving up and living on the streets.

Tonight I thought about how we used to share the chores. He would do the outside work, and I would take care of the house. When we were first together, he didn't even want me washing his clothes, but the longer we were together, he got used to having his clothes washed, folded and put away. When we went out, he would iron his clothes and want to look really sharp. He cared about looking good. He liked to wear cologne and smell good. The deeper he got into his addiction, he began to care less about how he dressed and how he looked. I can just imagine how he looks now.
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Old 03-31-2007, 08:35 PM
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Oneeyeopen, my daughter was an active meth addict, always hanging out with the dopeheads. One night, she used too much, went into convulsions, and passed out. They didn't do a thing for her. I think they would have just left her there if she had died. Luckily, she finally came to. She was at her own house, and her kids were even there. It would have been horrible for them if she had died. She was an IV user. They weren't about to get themselves incriminated. I thought they should have taken her to the hospital, but they weren't going to do that because then people would know about the drugs. They would have to have taken care of the kids, also.

She got really sick another time, but her boyfriend was brave enough to take her to the hospital. After all this, she has the nerve to say that meth can't kill you. Well, if it wasn't meth, then what else was it?

Things got really bad with her. I ended up having to get custody of one of the boys, and the dad got custody of the other boy. Thank God, she is on the road to recovery now, and she has her kids back.
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Old 03-31-2007, 08:46 PM
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Wow, that's crazy that they wouldn't do anything. my abf told me about a time when someone appeared to be having a heart attack and one of the other people at the crack house dumped at an ER. He said that they ussually do that rather than call 911. they certainly don't want anyone dying on their floor and then have the worse problem of what to do with the body.

Then again, I read somewhere that it is not as often as you think that an addict dies with doing drugs. I can't remember the percentage (still more than for the rest of us) and I remember feeling comforted by that thought, made my sleepless nights slightly less fraught with fear.

Crappy to have to be comforted by something rotten like the thought of the addict having less of a chance of dying than I originally thought but in our situation those types of things can have a big effect.

Hang in there, I hope he surfaces soon!
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Old 03-31-2007, 09:02 PM
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I can't imagine what you are going through tonight or every day for that matter..You are strong for filing the missing person's report, and you did the right thing. I hope he is o.k.

You both will be in my prayer's .. (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-31-2007, 10:16 PM
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this reality really sucks, doesn't it? - i haven't heard from my sister since feb 16th - i have heard from people who have talked to her though - i have physical custody of her two lil guys and she has never spoken to either one of them - her addict boyfriend called once - the 20th or so of feb - nothing from either of them since - my brother filed a missing person report but when my mom had tried the day before they wouldn't do it - it all depends on who you talk to - that's a little weird to me - i would think there would be a certain criteria they would all have to use but what do i know? - i just wanted you to know i'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers - this addiction thing sucks - big time...

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Old 04-01-2007, 05:14 AM
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Let me give you the flip side of the coin.

After my ex-abf's last three day toot, I wanted him out. I own my home, we had lived together for over a year. So, on Tuesday when he went back to work, I changed the locks...he came home and said "I am going down to the corner".

I figured he would be back as he had spent his entire paycheck on dope, and was broke, so, after he walked out the door, I dead bolted it. He came back
about 45 minutes later. I wouldn't let him in.

He called the sheriff, they came, and advised me I had no choice, since we
had lived together for over 6 months, I had to let him in.

I said NO, won't do it. I put out my wrists and said "You'll have to arrest me"
They looked at me like I was nuts, and didn't know what to do.

They headed out the door, and I say, "Check his background, and ask him if you can search him"...1/2 hour later, they come back in, found a felony warrent, and pot on him.

They arrested him, basically he had himself arrested, off to prison he went. I had done a background check on him, but the warrent was not there, come to find out, the county he was arrested in, doesn't put the infro on the net, only the fuzz can secure that infro. Yet, my gut kept telling me, there was something there.

In this case, they were trying to force me, to let him back in, because that was what the law said I had to do...follow their interpretation of the law, they didn't care that I was saddled with an addict, they didn't care that I was in jeapordy.

The laws are just plain crazy, our sheriffs department is more worried about getting sued than protecting the innocent. Laws are nothing more than guidelines for the population to follow, and they are interpreted every which way but loose.

He will show up when he is ready, when he does, what are you going to do.
That is the real issue.

My best,
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Old 04-01-2007, 10:08 AM
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If he shows up, he's going directly to a long-term facility or back on the streets. The police told me to call them, and they would issue him a criminal trespass. Like yours, they can probably arrest him on the spot. I would be perfectly happy for him to go to jail. I am not about to trust him in my house since he's been out on the streets this long. As far as that goes, he could have been sleeping around with all sorts of women. I will help him get a place to stay in the mission, if he will go. It's not that I want him back. I want to know he's not dead, and I want my pickup back. I feel like the pickup's history already. I would very much like to locate the truck.
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Old 04-01-2007, 10:16 AM
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Have you reported the pickup stolen?

It's bad enough to suffer the worry, but when a man takes a girl's TRUCK, now that's hitting below the belt.

Perhaps that's the way he'll be found.

I'm glad you're taking care of you, and beginning to get on with your life. I know that in your initial post, you mentioned that you were feeling lonely, and that was a red flag for me. Living like a hermit, always staying near the phone, desperate for word......that's no way to live. We only have a few years of precious life to spend on this's a shame to spend it that way when there is so much life and beauty and goodness out there to be explored.....

Hugs to you
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Old 04-01-2007, 11:53 AM
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Can't report the truck stolen. His name was on it, too. He never made a payment and never paid the insurance, but I have no rights as far as the truck goes. It's going to be repo'd if they can find it. The police told me that the repo people won't look very hard. If I could have gotten it back, I might could have saved it. That is one of the reasons I wanted the missing persons. I listed him in that truck. I tried to press some theft charges on some other items. Thought they might find him with a warrant, but I don't think it has even been issued yet.

I am having to restrain myself today. I got up and got ready to go and look for him. I am trying to talk myself out of it. It's a beautiful day, and I shouldn't waste it on a wild goose chase. He's in a large city, and I don't have a clue where the crackhouses are. Only have a few leads. The police are no help at all so far. The most stupid part is, we have to protect his rights to privacy! It worries me as much about the truck as it does him. I can't do anything about him, but I hate for that truck to be stripped, rented out, or sold. He can't legally sell it without my signature, but I am sure someone would give him a couple of hundred bucks to use it for a while. I am pretty sure, he just stripped it, and that is why he called asking me to come get him. If I had done that, I might could have gotten the truck back. Hind-sight is 20-20.

The bottom line here is, I screwed up royally by co-signing with an addict. He needed transportation to work, and that is why I did it. I wish now I had left his name off of it. The police did advise me it would be OK to take him and the truck off my insurance, since it's going to be repo'd anyway. That way, if there is an accident, it won't go against me. I back-dated this drop to the day he left.

Hope this extra infor will be helpful to someone else. Whatever you do, don't co-sign! I have other means of transportation, but this baby will go against my credit rating for a long time. In Texas, they can't garnish your wages, but they can put a lien on your house, so if you ever want to sell, they will get their part. In this case, about $15,000. I am not planning to pay with my money for a truck I can't even find

The only good part about his being gone is that I still have money to buy gas and groceries. I had enough of my paycheck to pay most of the bills when they were due. He was immune to paying bills!

I am honestly hoping this Karma comes back to bite him on the butt! I am still not able to get going, but it's not as bad as yesterday. I cleaned up my car from one end to the other, and I found some damage he had done to it, and he hadn't told me about it. That put another mark against him. Then, yesteday, I discovered that my grandmother's gold wedding band is missing. That put still another mark against him. Of all the things to steal! That was the only thing I had of hers, and I never even had a chance to meet her before she died.

I hope others can learn from my mistakes. My advice to anyone sitting here wondering if they should take a chance on an addict recovering, DON'T!
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