Treating me like Dirt
 

Thank you to everyone for all of the incredibly inspirational posts I have received. I feel so much less alone.

I think he is dragging me under with all of his deception and lies. He is making me feel like the lunatic and day by day my self-esteem and self-worth takes more of a beating.

At this point- he is not even trying to lie to me. Just basically playing games with my mind and heart. Claiming that he is clean and I am merely "giving him a hard time" and saying I TREAT HIM like crap. Absolute craziness. He has my mind so messed up that I am beginning to believe that he truly is right- that I'M the nutty one and HE is fact is trying to get clean and I am merely blocking his recovery. He keeps saying that he's going through alot of crap right now and he doesn't need me coming down hard on him.

I am AFRAID to break up with him. He is treating me like a jerk- fully and completely disrespecting me, taking me for granted and being downright nasty yet I AM SCARED to breakup with HIM??? I feel like I am degrading myself by putting up with this behavior but I question whether or not I have the strength to fully walk away.

you do not deserve to be treated like this.this is what addicts do.it is all about blame. leave his recovery to him & work on yours.there is alot to learn here & our future is ours.do something good for yourself today.i am sorry you are going through this.you both will be in my prayers.

I found out addicts are very self centered. They want everyone else to think they are wrong and the addict is right. Please step back and look after yourself right now. I agree with anvilhead you need to unplug from him. Take time to see what is best for you. If you are living with him, not sure of your story, stay someplace else for a few days. Don't do anything until you are sure you want to do it. Turn this over to your HP, he/she will guide you and do what is best. You don't deserve to be treated the way you are, no one does.
I think you know what you want to do, but are afraid of being alone. Is being alone worse then being treated the way you are????? We can't answer that for you, I wish there was something I could do to help you at this point, but only YOU can HELP YOU!
I will pray for you to find the strength to work through this.
Hugs

Just a question...why are you afraid to break up with him?

If he is truly in recovery and you are blocking his recovery, then he should unplug from you. (I don't believe this for one second, just trying to show you how manipulative he is being.) He still needs you for an excuse to use. Instead of taking responsibility himself, he can shift the blame and tell you it is your fault when he uses. My daughter plays the same game with me. I have bowed out. When she has no one to blame for her addiction then maybe she will see that it is her choice to use. I agree to take some time off, focus on you. It does help you to gain some clarity. Hugs, Marle

What is he doing for his "recovery"???? Going to meetings. Has a sponsor. Is not around any of the "people, places & things" that can be triggers?
Try working your own program & see how it goes. Have your tried Alanon meetings? It's not easy to leave. I know. I left my ex almost 2 years ago, hoping he'd get clean & sober & want our life back. He's still using. Just found another enabler. And that is the part that hurts. But my life now is in a lot of ways better. NO more pain & misery of life with an addict.

Welcome to the wonderful world of being a codependant. No one deserves that kind of BS. Unfortunatly the game he is playing with you, they have ALL played. It's called manipulation and trying to make you the crazy one. So far I see that he's succeeding. You need to detach and get your life together. He should not be your responsibility. He should not take up all your thoughts. He should not be giving you negative thoughts.
You need to start taking care of YOU! Thoughts of what you want in life, dreams, asperations, goals. Suddenly you will see the relationship for what it really is, and then you are no longer the crazy one... he is. What you do with the two of you after that is up to you.. but it gave me the courage to leave and take a big breather from AH.
The ONLY thing you should be thinking about IS YOU!!! Remember that.

i think like the others, if he was truly in recovery, then you would see a little difference in his behavior. what you are discribing is not recovery in my opinion. you can not stop his recovery, his recovery has nothing to do with you, its his choices that is stopping his recovery.

my husband treated me the same way and said the same things as yours, it went on so long until i started to believe that i was the crazy one and i literally went crazy tring to figure out if i really was crazy and how do i stop being crazy, to come here and find out i was not the crazy one at all. i think that he is manipulating you, in order to keep you afraid to do any thing for your self to make you and your life better.

i'm a recovering addict, and i think that he's probably more afraid than you, that you may leave him, so he has to bring you down emotionally and mentally to where you become the scared one and in doing this you won't leave and he can continue to do his drugs.

you do deserve better, but it maybe that you fear is ruling you and if he knows that this fear will keep you there to make sure his life stays in tact, he will continue to treat you this way, you maybe making life too comfortable for him to want to make a change or for him to see that he needs to make a change.

the enemy uses what works, and will not change his stragedy until it stops working, unfortunately he'll come up with a plan b, but you'll have to make a decision to come up with your own plan of defense. maybe find a way to seperate yourself from him emotionally, mentally, and financially and when or if it comes time, it may be a little easier for you to do it physically. you could maybe go to a few extra meetings. find a life of your own outside of the one you have with him, it helps a lot.

don't mean to come off too hard, i care, i have been going through this for 20 yrs, think that it will get better if i just do this or if i do that, but this has nothing to do with what you do or don't do, and it don't get no better. it took me all of these yrs to figure out, no matter what i do/don't do, nothing is gonna change for me until i do the changing. it progressively gets worse, and i don't want to see no body else live the live that i have, trying to stand by my man, while putting myself so far on the shelve that i got lost in the process, i will keep you and yours in my prayers.

I agree with the others; it would be better for YOU if you unplug from him. I had to do the same thing with my daughter. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but now I realize how important that step has been to MY recovery. I pray it will eventually lead to her own recovery, but I am not in control of hers'.
Keep posting here; you know you will get the support that you need to go foward .
You deserve to be happy.
Terri

I've heard the term "quaking" alot- what exactly does it mean?


Why am I afraid to not be with him?
Maybe because alot of my identity was wrapped up in him/alot of my self esteem came from him? I think that these two were the problem. His behaviors (PRE-ADDICTION- in the sense that it was probably there- I just did not KNOW at the time) dictated my mood even prior to becoming aware that he is an addict...

quacking in my opinion is all the talk that he has done and maybe still doing, that keeps you locked into the the frame of mind that you seem to be locked into. it the blaming you for his actions, and holding you responsible for his addiction. all the excuses and all the unkept promises, all the verbal abuse. all the i'm sorrys, all the lies, the i love yous and all the i won't do it agains, it quacking

words come to have no meaning, actions speak louder.

ps.
sorry, i don't mean to sound harsh, i care about you. you have not done anything but love this man.

addicts are master manipulators, have you read "what addicts do" and some of the other posts at the top of the forum page? what you have described above is common with addicts, thats how they act. your addict was an addict before you met him, if he's not in active recovery then his attitude from way back when did not change just because he may have stopped using. his attitude even gets progressively worse, it the nature of the deasease.

Hi Heather...Quacking is saying things as an addict that are just self serving and manipulative. In other words they have no foundation in reality and are not true...They are just ways to manipulate you to get what he wants. And he is definitely quacking! If he makes you believe you are the problem, he will not have to look at himself and you will feel guilty and fold. He is probably very threatened right now. He knows you are finding that you have had enough of the behavior and if he looses you, he may have to look within and take some responsibility for his own actions.

I don't think it is uncommon that we as codependent get drawn into relationships where whether actively using or not, the partner's moods control us. Codependents are caring people and we like to make others feel better. I have been in a relationship where my partner was not a substance abuser, yet my life was totally wrapped around how he felt. I had no joy if he did not have joy and if he was in a bad mood, I was a wreck. I know I found self worth only in being needed by someone else. Recovery is helping me to learn to get to know and like myself for who I am. At first I felt guilty to consider my own needs first and to not have my world revolve around how those I love felt. But it gets easier, I promise.

I agree with Anvil...Perhaps rather than look at this as stay or go,you can look at it as something less extreme. Maybe something like for today I am not going to accept being manipulated and ridiculed. If I speak with him and it isn't positive, I will choose not to continue the conversation and do something for myself. Baby steps...

All my life I said I could not run. I would try to run a mile and get winded and give up after just a couple of minutes. But more recently, I started with power walking then added power walk a half miule, run a quarter mile, walk, etc. Each week I would add a little more running. If my knee gave me trouble or I had other aches and pains (yuck...getting older stinks, lol) I would back down a little and walk more, run less. Now I run for a half hour to 45 minutes straight 4 times a week and walk every day and it has become a part of my life that I look forward to daily. My point is, it took lots of work and patience on my part to get to where I am now, just like working on recovery. But each step was a step forward, even when I had to choose to slow down or to stay in one place for awhile until I was conditioned enough to take the next step forward. And like recovery, I find that I get great joy and feel better about myself when I take the time to give myself the gift of an exercise routine.

I think you are doing so well! You are recognizing the issues that are hurting you and reaching out for support and ideas. You can do this! It's so rewarding to learn better ways to deal with life and to get to know and love ourselves! Hugs

i'm having a hard time walking away from this post, i remember when i first came here, i believe that i was worse off than you, in my mind at least i thought so.

i was thinking about why you can't leave when you sound like you may want to and how he has you thinking that its all your fault and i want to share how bad i had gotten.

my husband did me the same way as i said earlier. my husband had me so afraid, he manipulated both of our families including our 7 kids that i was crazy, now i had no one to talk to about how i was feeling, then he went on to convince me that if i keep trying to explan this to anybody that him and my family was just gonna commit me to a straight jacket in some asylum. i believe him and was too scared to even go to the doctors, by the time i finally went to the mental health clinic, i could not comprehend what they were telling me, so i fused any kind of help from them.

i was having a nervous breakdown, but did know to tell anyone, that i was looking in the mirror and could see other people's faces and never my own.
he had convinced me that if it wasn't for him, i would have nothing, that i could not do anything for myself snd that i would lose my kids. i was so brain washed until, i finally knew that he was telling me the truth, and was only staying with me, as crazy as i was, because he loves me and wants to stand by me.

it is so funny to me now, because when i first came here and posted my first post, i just could not believe my ears. these people explained to me, and how they got through to me, only god knows, but they did. they explained to me, that my husband and i had been seperated most of this 21 yrs marriage, that i had manage to keep aplace and provide for me and our 7 kids the whole time, while he was out living with his mom, making good money to support only his drug habit and not even giving me childsupport.

here i am, month after month, a married single parent providing for a home, and 7 kids without his help, taking care of me and still i believe that i was too crazy to take care of me, that i needed him to do it.

somebody here asked me the question, that woke me up out of some kind of hypnotic state, " what are you talking about, you have been taking care of yourself and the kids all along and without his helpA" those words, saved my life. from that day to this, i began to work on getting my life together with or without my husband, and decided that whatever he had to say about me, just was not the truth. i'm so grateful that i found this place, i don't know what would have happened to me if i had not. you can do anything that you set your mind to do. remember that you do not have to stay with this man if you don't want to. i think that maybe you are not giving yourself the credit that you deserve. i love you

HK...

Isn't it amazing that WE are the ones who lose our self confidence and self esteem? I mean...we aren't the one out drugging...we aren't lying...manipulating... No...quite the opposite...we are the ones who second guess our every emotion, decision and thought because we are worried about them? Its so ironic...the nice, stable one becomes the 'crazy one' because addiction turns everything upside down and inside out.

Before dealing with my exah's addiction, I was very self-confident and self-assured. (maybe even too much so!) My self esteem and confidence gradually washed away with each passing 'episode' with my exah.

Ya know how I'm building myself back up? One day...one decision at a time. All you have to focus on is TODAY. What one thing can you do today that will improve your situation? Rome wasn't built in a day...and OUR recovery from codependency takes time...and a whole bunch of little baby steps. You're on your way whether you realize it or not because you can see what all of this is doing to you...thats a big step. Keep going...Keep searching...Keep fighting...You'll get where you want to be eventually.

And remember..you have a whole bunch of us walking right beside you!

Hugs...

One of the best things you can do for yourself is read and learn everything you can get your hands on about addicts behaviour. They manipulate, twist things around and are so good at it, it leaves us doubting ourselves. Slowly but surely it leads us to losing self esteem. This is one of the things that got knocked right out of me without even knowing it, surely but slowly and with alot of hard work I am starting to get some of it back and still have a long way to go. Having no self esteem is a scarey place to be.

I don't think that the addicts set out purposely to knock us down, I think they are in such denial about their addiction they truely believe we are out to lunch.

Just believe in yourself!

Rose

Hi Angel24~

He probably is dragging you down, so don't let him...

<<<He is making me feel like the lunatic and day by day my self-esteem and self-worth takes more of a beating.>>>

No one can "make you feel" anything. You chose your own thoughts and how you are going to feel. So if you are feeling like a lunatic that's because you are choosing too. Take your power back and turn your thoughts around.
YOU are not a lunatic, as soon as you start thinking that, stop and tell yourself you are not. YOU are in control of your thoughts. He is not.
When we blame others then we're giving up our power to change.
Ask yourself, What will you accept in your life and what will you not.
Make it a rule. If we are constantly being mistreated, then we are cooperating with the treatment..

It doesn't matter if he's quacking or if he's perfect, the only one you
can be in charge of is you. Once you realize you have given your
power away to an addict or anyone else in your life, THEN you can begin
to take it back. When you have your own power, nothing anyone says will make you think your a lunatic...

Make your own laws, if you don't someone will make them for you.
I forgot where I read that, but I try and follow that one to a T.
Because people will cross your boundaries and make rules for you
in an instant if you let them....

Take your life back girl, Your worth it....

(((Angel)))

A thousand thank yous could never even BEGIN to thank everyone for their support and kind words of strength on this post...

I must ask though... Is it possible that I do not believe I DESERVE to focus on me/take back the power of my life?

It feels so difficult if not impossible... like there is no foundation of self worth to base make "focusing on me" possible...

I think that I may believe that I am not worthy of this. I think I have a deep seated fear that I am nothing without someone loving me- or that I need someone else's love to feel good about myself. I'm cognizant of the fact that it is not rational but it feels so real...

Yes, of course it is.... I feel the same way also, but it comes out different ways for me...

It's just figuring out why, changing your thoughts, even when you don't believe it. It's taken me many years of therapy, a lot or reading, and the saying Fake it till you make it....
Have you ever thought about therapy, it's helped me a lot....

Heather
Many of us codies feel/felt this way about ourselves. That is pretty typical for us. We have been put down so much by our addicts, that we tend to believe that we are not worthy.
Please don't beleive this. Repeat after me:

I am worthy
I am a nice person
I will try to believe in myself
I deserve to be happy
I will learn to like myself



That's just a few for now. But a good start. Really, I had felt that way for so many years. I felt almost ashamed to "like myself". But now, I am liking myself more each day. It just takes practice.
We love you here and believe in you.
Now, you must believe in yourself.
HUGS!!!!
Terri