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Treating me like Dirt

Old 03-31-2007, 06:10 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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(((Angel))).. have you heard of the book "Co-dependant No More"?? If you don't have it, I recomend you buy it. It is a very usefull and brings up all of the issues you are feeling and helps you to understand what the addict has done to you as a person, and the book also gives you tools to work on for yourself.
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Old 03-31-2007, 07:54 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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angel, i think this man has taken all of your self esteem. you DO deserve.when you are treated as he he treated you it does make us feel like crap.back away just a little bit & do something good for yourself.maybe take up a hobby,something to make you feel good about you.hugs,
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Old 04-01-2007, 07:34 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Yes you can feel like you are worthless, and with practice you can start to feel better about yourself. I have been told all my life that I was worthless, stupid, lazy, a moron etc. Now at the age of almost 50 I finally found myself and know that I am NOT Stupid, a stupid person does not make the dean's list 3 out of 4 semesters. I am not lazy, I am not worthless. You are only as worthless as you feel, today I don't feel worthless at all.
Everyday I thank God for letting me wake and ask for his guidance in my life, and at night I thank him for everything he has done for me and for letting me do.
It took therapy, and some great friends to let me see what I am worth and how much others really appreciate the things I do everyday. Someday you will see the same things I have.
Addicts have to feel better about themselves so they put others down. Clean, sober people do the same things. Take steps everyday to make you feel better. Repeat the saying I am worth it and do it for you.
Prayers coming to you
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Old 04-01-2007, 07:59 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I have been following this thread and the first thing is:

YOU ARE WORTH BEING TREATED WITH RESPECT.
YOU ARE WORTH BEING TREATED HONESTLY.

You have taken a huge step coming here and recognizing a problem. Welcome to recovery road. It is not an easy path.

If you can I will suggest you read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. I have and reading the book the first go around left me embarassed at myself. It was like she saw in me and I was ashamed.

Well, I started to do what she said in the book to do and it has helped a LOT.

You have value as a human being and you need to realize that. You have likes, dislikes, feelings and intelligence which you need to see in yourself.
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Old 04-01-2007, 08:07 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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You need to change those old tapes that keep going through your head. Why not start by making a list of all the things that are good about you. I am sure you could come up with a lot of positive things. It may be hard at first since the negative ones have been playing in your head for so long. But just as those negative thoughts grew, so can the positive ones, if you give yourself a chance. We are all God's children and as such we all have something to contribute. Hugs, Marle
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Old 04-01-2007, 10:06 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Hi HK,

I had the same self-esteem issues for SO long. I really feel for you. That kept me in some terrible relationships for so long. Relationships with addicts, relationships with men who couldn't seem to form the words "i love you" with their mouths, relationships with men who weren't true. ALLL because I didn't think I deserved anything better.

Where do you think this comes from? I mean, obviously (logically, in your head) we're all worthy of love. Who ever told you that you weren't? (and what's their address, so I can drop by and kick their butt? )

Thinking about where those messages came from is a nice first step toward figuring out why they've taken such deep hold on you.

But I love, love, love Marle's idea of listing the things about you that are good. If you're comfortable, you could even do that here. We often have a thread that floats around that talks about what we like about ourselves. I'll see if I can find that one and bump it so you can play too.

You are not crazy. And you are not alone. Lots and lots of us here have been in your shoes, and we'll tell you all about it!

Hugs,
GiveLove
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Old 04-01-2007, 05:15 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Heather -

Been there! The addict in our lives like to take the focus off of them so they can continue with the awful destruction that takes a toll on everyone involved in their lives. I had to leave my husband of 20 years to regain control of my emotions and self esteem. It has not been easy! I still love my husband deeply and my heart hurts most of the time! But, you need to take care of yourself and work on enjoying life again! Its not easy...I know. You are in my thoughts and prayers!
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Old 04-01-2007, 09:25 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by teke View Post

i was thinking about why you can't leave when you sound like you may want to that you deserve.
This brings up so much truth about this situation...

I can't leave because...


1. Feel like I'll never meet anyone that I've felt this way about (obviously his behavior prior to the past three months of active addiction.)

2. I DEEPLY WANT to believe that he will move out of denial and be willing to admit this problem is unmanageable and cannot be tackled on his own and then change.

3. Feel that I'll never find the connection I have with him with anyone else. I dated for awhile prior to meeting him and found it hard to find someone I really liked.

~ Now, as sad as it sounds-- he is pushing me away. So far away. Basically kicking me out of his life and continuing to tell me that "I've already left." Why am I still holding on so darn tightly???
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Old 04-02-2007, 06:26 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I must ask though... Is it possible that I do not believe I DESERVE to focus on me/take back the power of my life?

It feels so difficult if not impossible... like there is no foundation of self worth to base make "focusing on me" possible...

I think that I may believe that I am not worthy of this. I think I have a deep seated fear that I am nothing without someone loving me- or that I need someone else's love to feel good about myself. I'm cognizant of the fact that it is not rational but it feels so real...[/QUOTE]


Not only is it possible, but probable!! But here's the thing. The addict cannot truly love anyone but his DOC. He would step on your fingers as you were clinging to the edge of a cliff to get to his DOC!! That's not love!!!

Honey, you've been dragged down into a pit where you can just barely make out a glimmer of light at the top. You've been questioning everything so long, you don't trust your gut instincts that are telling you....YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!!

There are men out there, who will treat you like fragile crystal, please, please ....give yourself a chance. Trust me, I know you think you'll never find anyone, but even I can still find dates at 52!!!

NSW
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Old 04-02-2007, 06:59 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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HK,

Welcome to SR.

First, you are SO deserving of being treated with love and respect.

Second, have you tried meetings, Al Anon or Nar Anon? I cannot tell you HOW MUCH meetings have helped me with my self esteem! I'm amazed. I'd like that for you, so please try to find meetings and attend them. The change doesn't happen overnight, it's a very slow process, but I'd be willing to bet you $1,000,000 that if you go and stick with them, your self esteem will improve.

Hang in there and keep coming back.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 04-02-2007, 07:15 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HKAngel24 View Post
This brings up so much truth about this situation...

I can't leave because...


1. Feel like I'll never meet anyone that I've felt this way about (obviously his behavior prior to the past three months of active addiction.)

2. I DEEPLY WANT to believe that he will move out of denial and be willing to admit this problem is unmanageable and cannot be tackled on his own and then change.

3. Feel that I'll never find the connection I have with him with anyone else. I dated for awhile prior to meeting him and found it hard to find someone I really liked.

~ Now, as sad as it sounds-- he is pushing me away. So far away. Basically kicking me out of his life and continuing to tell me that "I've already left." Why am I still holding on so darn tightly???

i do understand how you feel here, i felt the same way about my rah of 21 yrs, and i found out that i HAD to leave because i need to accept that his addiction was pushing me out, that his addiction was robbing me of my dreams. because i felt like you i knew that i NEEDED to demand respect from him even if he was addicted. i NEEDED to love me enough to not allow his actions to destroy me, all in the name of love.

then i HAD to make a decision, if i was so bad, and i was making him so unhappy, then i WANTED to move out of his way so that he could find that happiness for himself and by himself. even though i knew that there was never be a happy life if it had to be surrounded by addiction.

see, i had tried everything i knew to try, to be a better wife, mother and woman, but no matter how hard or how much i tried, it was never enough, so i HAD to give up. i had to let him go free. no i did not divorce him yet, but i had to allow myself the chance to feel better about me. i didn't want to be with nobody who didn't want me around. its true that i just knew that somewhere in this man, was that love that he always had for me, but i had to move out of his way so that he could either figure that out for himself and so that i could learn to respect myself more than i was allowing myself too, by excepting someone whos cruel to me.

i figured that if he was ever gonna give me the respect that i deserved, i had to respect myself first. i had to set an example of how i wanted to be treated by my actions. i got so tired of waiting for him to change. i realized that if i wanted a change in my life, then i was gonna have to do the changing. sorry that this has been so hard for you. but he is treating you this way because you are allowing him to do this to you. i pray that you soon will make a decision to respect yourself, then maybe he will see that he needs to respect you too. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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