Please Help
 

As I sit here my heart is breaking and the tears are flowing, I don't know where to turn, here is the only place I know SOMEONE will understand.

My AS is in a very very dark place. He moved to Tulsa with me back before Christmas, to those of you who know my story, he was trying to get his life together and for a few months I thought the Gods were smiling on us. Not so, he decided to go back to where his trouble began and this is the next chapter.

I just received a call from my daughter, who informed me that he has been in a drug and alcohol state for the last week. He is already facing a trial for Domestic Battery next month.

I am so scared, where is this path going to take him this time. It is almost like he is TRYING to destroy himself. I do not know what to do, my strenth is gone, the mother in me is screaming for some relief, for an end. My greatest fear is all the drugs he is doing are going to end in prison or a grave (he gets very angry and wants to destroy things around him and people). There is no strength in me, I AM TIRED OF THE FIGHT. I know it is a horrible thing to say about your own child, but this roller coster has taken its toll.

I don't see an end and it is tearing me apart, I can not make this child see what he is doing to himself and he is my baby. I feel caught up in some f@&king nightmare that I can't wake from. I would give anything, my life, if it meant he would find solace.

What do I do? What would you do? How do you let go? How do you keep from going crazy? How do you stop the torment that never goes away?

Where do I begin...I love this boy...

A very sad mom...

i'm so sorry wheretobegin, there is not much you can do at this point other than do all you can do to save your sanity. you being sick, is not gonna help you or him. it maybe time now, that you seem exhausted, to turn him over to god?your hp, and believe that he knows how to take care of him. in the meantime, maybe you can go to more meetings, do something to occupy your mind with, maybe try to read a book or something. i know that its hard to do, because he is your baby, but your baby is making choices for him own life and there is nothing that you can do to change that. pray and ask god to give the strength to turn him over, pray for his protection. god loves him too you know. he knows how to take care of him even better than you. take care of yourself, and maybe prepare yourself, for when the time that he does come to you for help or whatever else. i know that you are thinking that he may end up in jail, but maybe if you could except jail as not being the worst thing that could happen. jail could be a releif for you and for him. iknow that this is not something that you want to here, i wished that i could offer you a cure, but i can't. i'm a mom and i know what its like to see your child in trouble, especially with drugs and the legal stuff that sometimes goes along with it. sorry that you are hurting and i will be praying for your son, for you and the rest of your family.

Hi
I’m sorry you are in so much pain… There was a writer, forget who just now, that said:

“The most important question one must consider, before deciding to have a child, is
“Are you prepared, to forever have your heart, walking around outside your body?”

I found this to be SO true, and unfortunately, our hearts do break when they stumble.

I have no profound advice for you, just want to let you know that I care and I am praying for your family tonight.
Hugs,
JSM

Wheretobegin, First of all, let me say that I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and overwhelmed. My daughter is 20 and my addict. Currently living with her 37 year old crack addicted boyfriend in a seedy motel. She is currently using heroin. I have felt the same way about her. That she is trying to destroy herself. She has issues with food too and has managed to gain about 30 pounds (was normal weight). All she does is sit in the motel room, do drugs and eat. Her only outings are the trips she makes with the abf to get drugs downstate in a really dangerous part of the city. I have learned to let go, let God. It was not easy. It took a lot of time and practice and really wanting to have joy in my life again. Another thing that helps me is to have as little contact as possible with her. Each time I see her, she looks worse and that just puts me in that sad place again. Even though your son is your baby, he is an adult. It is his life. His addiction is his responsiblity.
When my daughter had clean time last spring, I thought maybe the addiction was behind her. I was still in denial and believed her when she said she did not have a problem with drugs and she was not an addict. I relaxed some and stopped reading on here and posting. When she relapsed in June, it really hit me hard. I was devastated and really wanted to die. Instead I came back here and posted and read and really listened to others. I also started to see a therapist for my codependency issues and that helped too. I would attend meetings but the closest one is 90 miles away and on a Sunday night. So instead I read everything I can about addiction. I practice acceptance and I pray everyday for God to hold my daughter in his loving arms. It does help. Hugs, Marle

Great advice from Teke, (as usual! lol!)...

The "Full Armor Of The Lord" is truly needed in a battles such as these!
Way to go Teke, You rock!


Marlee, Great post also! Looks like me, you, and teke were all posting within moments of each other LOL!

Teke..I do love you girl..I think the good ole lord is looking the other way when it comes to me.

I am sitting at this computer waiting on your replys, it is the only thing at this moment that is keeping me from going completely off the deep end. I have been in some bad places with my son, but I sware to you, tonight I am really afraid, afraid of so many things.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone, you make such a difference in the destruction.

Yes, he is your baby, but he is also an adult. You cannot live his life for him, and in order for him to grow up and be responsibile for his decisions, you must let go, and live your own life.

Maybe jail will wake him up, could be worse, he'll have a roof over his head, and three meals a day.

Saying you would give up your life for him, makes no sense to me...you have other children, what about them...where do they fit into the equasion..

I will pray for you and yours.

I found it tough sometimes to hear stuff about God and Faith, when I felt like life was kicking my teeth in…I mean wt..heck?! There I was …believing my little heart out… and WHAM! ??

Hard to keep the faith sometimes right? I couldn’t even pray, It felt so insincere. I just asked for a my faith back, once daily, and that was it! LOL!
All I could manage at the time…Perhaps you could consider the idea of letting “others” love and care for your son, (so you can take a worry break).

JSM

ps< Sorry if I'm off base...I just sensed a little crisis of faith...But I know God loves you, He did just send some of his very best recovery warriors, to your cry for help! ~Smile~

dollydo...in the moment, as a mother, you just feel you would give anthing, I know I have another child and it was the craziness of the moment that I said that...I am just desperate.

I do understand, however, you cannot help him unless you are strong and focused and willing to let go, so he can find his own way into adulthood.

If I had a magic wand that worked, I would send it to you, but, there is no magic to it.

It's up to him, love him, but accept, he will make his own choices, good or bad.

I feel you pain, and I am so sorry.

Thank you my friend, I am sorry too...for so many things. Maybe I could have done something different, maybe it was the choices I made, that resulted in this. I don't know. I don't feel strong, I don't feel anything, but utter emptiness.

i am so sorry for your pain.my addict is my son also.i would also give my life for him.he is also my baby but he is an adult,34 yrs.old.he has been an addict since he was 17.he has been in & out of prison,rehabs & ect & is still doing the same things.he has charges against him in 3 different counties today.i HAD to give him to my H.P. there is nothing i can do to save him. he even today will tell you that.it is a roller coster i decided to get off of to save myself.it was let go or be dragged.say a prayer for your son,turn him over & learn to take care of you.i have found thur the yrs. that i do not worry about him as much in prison as i do when he is out, sad isn't it?i will pray for him & you both.hugs,hope

Nothing you did caused this. Please do not beat yourself up. He made his choices. If there were issues, he could have chosen something other than drugs to help ease his pain. My daughter has food issues and instead of seeking help she vomits. My daughter had depression and instead of letting the antidepressants work and being honest with her therapist, she accepted the Oxycontin from her friend. My daughter knew what addiction could do and she understood eating disorders, but she made the choice to take the easy way out. Now she is paying for that easy way. I did not make those choices for her and you did not make those choices for your son. I know it is hard when the next call could be from someone telling you that your son is in jail or dead, but worrying won't change that, blaming yourself won't change that. You are worth fighting for. Fight for yourself. Be a guiding light for your son. Believe me an addict already is carrying enough guilt. Adding the death of a mother to that guilt will not help him. Take care of you. It won't happen overnight. You may need to take baby steps. Just start with believing that you can. Fake it til you make it. Whatever you need to do, but start. Hugs and prayers. Marle

Thanks Marle, I am just so tired, it has been five years of this hell, and I am worn out. At this moment...I am lost

You are reaching out for help and that is a good first step. Keep reaching and little by little things will get better. I know because it has for me. Hugs, Marle

I have been there. I was dying with the pain, and just waiting for her to die, it was horrific. This will sound so stupid but get to meetings. I went every day for 6 weeks, and just listened and cried, and hands off. It was her and my only chance...God please grant you serenity

Thanks Marlee...this is the only thing I have found that helps. I only wish all the people that viewed this post would write something.

It is sad when your sitting on the edge of it all and waiting on responses from people you don't know, to pull you back.

Had it not been for the wonderful people who have reached out to me tonight I am not sure where I would be.

There is a god and he is showing himself through you...

Sending prayers WhereTo, for peace for you, and for your son to find a better path. The only thing that gave me peace during my AH active addiction was
turning him over to God. Alot of times I tried to control things so he would change, I was only getting in Gods way. Keep reading and posting... get all
the knowledge you can about addiction. Take special care of yourself and try to do something nice for yourself. Knowledge is power.... as you learn more about the disease of addiction that rules the addicts life, and take good care of yourself, you'll get stronger ... one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. Tomorrow will be a little brighter. (((HUGS)))

Oh boy,can I relate! I have had those moments of total heartbreak, exhaustion, depression. I sometimes I wish I could turn in my mother's badge and say no thanks! But I come here and read and post and cry and pray and I turn around and do it one more day. That's all we can go, one more day. Love and prayers to you. Take care of YOU!

krhea

Turn in your "mothers badge" where is that line...lol...just kidding, however, in the moment, it would be nice if it relinquished you from the responsiblitiy....