Letting go...
 

Dear friends
I haven't shared for a while. I left my ex more than one half years. He had relaped after one-year clean-time. I didn't want to go down with him. Still, I went through hell. About a year ago, my mum and I took him to rehab. He's been clean since, but I had no contact with him.

He contacted me last week, wanting to meet. It came as quite a shock to my system. I have been going though some really stressful times. I have spent less than one week at home in the past seven weeks, work-related travel. And I was given notice on my beautiful apartment. It was sold for a ludicrous amount of money. So, I'm looking for a new abode. Not a good time in my life to interact with him. I ended up texting him, telling him that I would think about it, see how I felt and let him know when I was ready.

In the meantime, I have been told that he is seeing another girl. He's getting his one-year cleantime in the next 3 weeks. I was completely destroyed when I heard the news. As much as I have been trying to detach, I still have feelings for him. It's a weird thing-another girl will now enjoy the clean man that I had come to love so deeply. But would I really want him back in my life? The what if's...

I have been thinking of so many things, over-analysing, taking his inventory-I had to stop myself.

I have been trying to convince myself that my higher power has a plan for me. I'm really sad. Addiction and codependency came into the way of a really great thing.

Sending you all lots of love from the most southern tip of Africa.
Lola

oh, i'm sorry, maybe it not as bad as you think, do you know what the meeting will be about, its always kind of scarey for me, when my ah wants to talk, someone said something about this the other day. you are right though, there is always the what ifs, that can cloud your thinking. god knows whats best, you never know.

i think that its good that you were able to stop the over analizing the situation, i'm good at trying to figure out what someone else is thinking, its not exactly a peaceful thing to have to go through, expecially if for some reason you find out that what you thought, has nothing to do with what is.

maybe in time you will be more able to make a decision as to whether or not you want to talk with him, at least you have a choice. could be closer and could not be, you never know, huh!

glad to hear that you've being doing good otherwise. still praying for ya

Dear Teke
Thanks for your kind words. In my mind, all sorts of scenarios have played themselves out as regards the motifs for him wanting to meet with me. My psychologist and my mum reckon that such a meeting may aid my recovery, lead to closure perhaps. But that's what others think. I'm trying to access my feelings. I'm still struggling in that department, all numbed out...
Hope you have a lovely weekend!
Lola