Recovery Tools/Letting Go
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Recovery Tools/Letting Go
I am wondering if anyone would be willing to share some of their recovery tools/ways in which they cope or have coped in the beginning when they were attempting the whole detach/letting go process.
I seem to be really struggling with this at the minute. I find I am setting boundaries, but not releasing the outcome.
At this point I've realized that I am powerless over the outcome of his addiction- whether he chooses to recover or chooses to actively engage in it.
But then I am faced with the question of staying or leaving.
I love him and all I want is for him to get better and for me to believe he can be the person that he once was, but this feels as though I am only setting myself up to be disappointed and hurt.
Not sure how to let go, but still take care of me...
I seem to be really struggling with this at the minute. I find I am setting boundaries, but not releasing the outcome.
At this point I've realized that I am powerless over the outcome of his addiction- whether he chooses to recover or chooses to actively engage in it.
But then I am faced with the question of staying or leaving.
I love him and all I want is for him to get better and for me to believe he can be the person that he once was, but this feels as though I am only setting myself up to be disappointed and hurt.
Not sure how to let go, but still take care of me...
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi.hk
i remember when i struggled with staying or leaving and what helped me was to put that thought on hold until i knew what i wanted to do. i think that you'll know when you've had enough and you're ready to go, so in the meantime, try to stay focused on you and what you want your life to look like in the near future. i decided to kind of come up with a plan b, i began to work toward that goal. my life with or without my ah, became all about me. i began to seperate myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financial, made it a little easier, when it came time to do it physically.
if you can try to seperate your addict from the person you knew before addiction, a part of him has been taken over by drugs but a part of him is still there.
have you gone to any meetings yet, they help so much. try to take the focus off him and put it completely on you. try not to take any blame for the decisions that he makes for his life and no guilt for the decisions that you make for you. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
i remember when i struggled with staying or leaving and what helped me was to put that thought on hold until i knew what i wanted to do. i think that you'll know when you've had enough and you're ready to go, so in the meantime, try to stay focused on you and what you want your life to look like in the near future. i decided to kind of come up with a plan b, i began to work toward that goal. my life with or without my ah, became all about me. i began to seperate myself emotionally, mentally, spiritually and financial, made it a little easier, when it came time to do it physically.
if you can try to seperate your addict from the person you knew before addiction, a part of him has been taken over by drugs but a part of him is still there.
have you gone to any meetings yet, they help so much. try to take the focus off him and put it completely on you. try not to take any blame for the decisions that he makes for his life and no guilt for the decisions that you make for you. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I have worked hard to learn about boundaries - what they mean, how to set them, how to maintain them, what to do when they are violated. Here's something that helped me early in the process:
TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized are clues to boundaries you need to set.
When you identify a need to set a boundary or a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.
You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their feelings--they may be hurt, angry or disappointed with you.
You'll probably be ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.
Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with the boundaries you set.
You'll be tested when you set boundaries.
Some people are happy to respect your boundaries.
A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce boundaries.
You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner.
There's a satisfying side to setting boundaries--it feels good.
Hugs
~ Cat
TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized are clues to boundaries you need to set.
When you identify a need to set a boundary or a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.
You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their feelings--they may be hurt, angry or disappointed with you.
You'll probably be ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.
Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with the boundaries you set.
You'll be tested when you set boundaries.
Some people are happy to respect your boundaries.
A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce boundaries.
You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner.
There's a satisfying side to setting boundaries--it feels good.
Hugs
~ Cat
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I'm not sure that applied, but I felt compelled to share it... 
Letting go of the outcome for me was a hard thing to do, especially when I could see the whole big picture much easier than he could. I could see what his destructive behavior was doing to him, to me, to the children and to our family. And it was my mission in life ~ as Super Martyr Mom ~ to bear that burden alone.
What ultimately helped me was to learn day by day (hour by hour) to deal with the things that were clearly mine to deal with and worry about. I let him have ownership of his "stuff". It was a struggle at first, because I was the one who took care of everyone and everything, so obviously some things started to be left UNdone. "Detaching" was a hard concept for me. It was difficult to see where he stopped and I started.... disentangling was more like it for me... like untangling a glob of wires until they were all separated and I could clearly see which cord powered which appliance. Then I could see what was clearly mine and clearly NOT mine to handle.
Good luck - it really is a process.
Letting go of the outcome for me was a hard thing to do, especially when I could see the whole big picture much easier than he could. I could see what his destructive behavior was doing to him, to me, to the children and to our family. And it was my mission in life ~ as Super Martyr Mom ~ to bear that burden alone.
What ultimately helped me was to learn day by day (hour by hour) to deal with the things that were clearly mine to deal with and worry about. I let him have ownership of his "stuff". It was a struggle at first, because I was the one who took care of everyone and everything, so obviously some things started to be left UNdone. "Detaching" was a hard concept for me. It was difficult to see where he stopped and I started.... disentangling was more like it for me... like untangling a glob of wires until they were all separated and I could clearly see which cord powered which appliance. Then I could see what was clearly mine and clearly NOT mine to handle.
Good luck - it really is a process.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I bought the book, "co Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie and I started doing the writing exercises. I expanded on this. I wrote and wrote and wrote. This helped me get it out and to put it down and to organize my thinking.
I wrote letters here on SR that I never sent to XABF.
I wrote so much that I ran out of ink and had to buy a second spiral bound book. I wrote and re read.... I wrote until my hand hurt.
I started to go to AlAnon and I LISTENED. I read the Daily AlAnon Readings. I got "The Language of Letting Go" and I red it every day.. and I wrote what I thought about both these daily books.
I also found anger. I found out XABF was a cheater and a liar beyond what I had ever imagined. I hate being lied to. I used my anger in both appropriate and inappropriate ways.
I learned about me and the things about me I don't like and the things I do like. Working on the former and embracing the latter...
In the end, the pain started to go away.
Today I am free of him and I am so happy in my new found sense of self.
Don't know if that will help you. It worked for me
I wrote letters here on SR that I never sent to XABF.
I wrote so much that I ran out of ink and had to buy a second spiral bound book. I wrote and re read.... I wrote until my hand hurt.
I started to go to AlAnon and I LISTENED. I read the Daily AlAnon Readings. I got "The Language of Letting Go" and I red it every day.. and I wrote what I thought about both these daily books.
I also found anger. I found out XABF was a cheater and a liar beyond what I had ever imagined. I hate being lied to. I used my anger in both appropriate and inappropriate ways.
I learned about me and the things about me I don't like and the things I do like. Working on the former and embracing the latter...
In the end, the pain started to go away.
Today I am free of him and I am so happy in my new found sense of self.
Don't know if that will help you. It worked for me
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I had to remind myself on a daily basis that I wasn't giving ultimatums (my addict is my son) but choices to him.
Being he was my son I struggled with the thought that I was threatening to not love him anymore.
And I had to keep revisiting the acceptance stage...and accept that he may not make the same choices I would, or that I hoped he would.
Then I gave the outcome up to my HP and trusted that things could be OK in the end, regardless of which direction it took.
It helped me, tremendously, especially when the awfulizing would begin in my head.
((((hugs))))
Cece
Being he was my son I struggled with the thought that I was threatening to not love him anymore.
And I had to keep revisiting the acceptance stage...and accept that he may not make the same choices I would, or that I hoped he would.
Then I gave the outcome up to my HP and trusted that things could be OK in the end, regardless of which direction it took.
It helped me, tremendously, especially when the awfulizing would begin in my head.
((((hugs))))
Cece
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((HK))
I'm married to an alcoholic/addict who happens to be in recovery right now. His disease is what got me in the program, but this last few weeks, I have had to really work hard with the tools of this program in dealing with our oldest daughter.
She is 29 yrs old and she's an addict. She has lost custody of her 2 children, on probation, living with an abusive boyfriend & 20 wks pregnant. Found out this weekend, she is abusing RX drugs & was arrested for an RX charge.
I love her very much. But through the help of Al-Anon, I know that I love me too. And because of this, I know that I can't do anything to help either of us if I get involved in her situation. I have made sure that I attended meetings this week, journaled about my emotions, prayed to my HP, talked with my close recovery friends and said the Serenity Prayer and several of the Slogans 50 million times a day.
The facts of this situation appear very disheartening. Her boyfriend posted her bail (we are saving a chair for him in Al-Anon also) and she's right back into the depths of her disease.
But I know that my HP is not limited by what I see. The trust & faith that I have in turning my will & my life & HER life over to His care helps me to live Happy, Joyous and Free even in the midst of pain.
So, this is how the tools help me to be able to Breathe and some days that's all we can do - is just Breathe, and that's ok - That's all we have to do - Your God will do the rest.
Peace to you HK,
Rita
I'm married to an alcoholic/addict who happens to be in recovery right now. His disease is what got me in the program, but this last few weeks, I have had to really work hard with the tools of this program in dealing with our oldest daughter.
She is 29 yrs old and she's an addict. She has lost custody of her 2 children, on probation, living with an abusive boyfriend & 20 wks pregnant. Found out this weekend, she is abusing RX drugs & was arrested for an RX charge.
I love her very much. But through the help of Al-Anon, I know that I love me too. And because of this, I know that I can't do anything to help either of us if I get involved in her situation. I have made sure that I attended meetings this week, journaled about my emotions, prayed to my HP, talked with my close recovery friends and said the Serenity Prayer and several of the Slogans 50 million times a day.
The facts of this situation appear very disheartening. Her boyfriend posted her bail (we are saving a chair for him in Al-Anon also) and she's right back into the depths of her disease.
But I know that my HP is not limited by what I see. The trust & faith that I have in turning my will & my life & HER life over to His care helps me to live Happy, Joyous and Free even in the midst of pain.
So, this is how the tools help me to be able to Breathe and some days that's all we can do - is just Breathe, and that's ok - That's all we have to do - Your God will do the rest.
Peace to you HK,
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
"Detaching" was a hard concept for me. It was difficult to see where he stopped and I started.... disentangling was more like it for me... like untangling a glob of wires until they were all separated and I could clearly see which cord powered which appliance. Then I could see what was clearly mine and clearly NOT mine to handle.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Heather,
Yes, it was difficult and very painful. It was also very VERY necessary for my own peace of mind and my own serenity. I am a strong willed person, and it was hard for me to let go when all I really wanted to do was make him see how much damage he was causing!
And yes, he continually told me he was fine and I was the crazy one. And if someone had peeked in our windows, they might have agreed! I've heard it said in meetings that if you want to know if someone is an alcoholic or addict, often all you have to do is look at the spouse!
I learned to diffuse the arguments... the crazy making. It also helped to remind myself that the noise he was making was just quacking. Quack Quack Quack !!
I used lots of statements like:
You may be right
wow
huh
really
gosh
and no, I can't do that , but I am willing to do this instead..
If you stick with it, you'll get better. Like my signature says, IT may not get better, but we can get better in it!
Hugs
Cat
Yes, it was difficult and very painful. It was also very VERY necessary for my own peace of mind and my own serenity. I am a strong willed person, and it was hard for me to let go when all I really wanted to do was make him see how much damage he was causing!
And yes, he continually told me he was fine and I was the crazy one. And if someone had peeked in our windows, they might have agreed! I've heard it said in meetings that if you want to know if someone is an alcoholic or addict, often all you have to do is look at the spouse!
I learned to diffuse the arguments... the crazy making. It also helped to remind myself that the noise he was making was just quacking. Quack Quack Quack !!
I used lots of statements like:
You may be right
wow
huh
really
gosh
and no, I can't do that , but I am willing to do this instead..
If you stick with it, you'll get better. Like my signature says, IT may not get better, but we can get better in it!
Hugs
Cat
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by HKAngel24
didn't the disentangling hurt? How does one go about this without them sucking you back down into believing that you are the crazy one and seeing their behavior for what it really is... an addicts...?
I am not telling you what to do, sweetie, that is your choice and you are the only one that can make it. But you wanted to know what others before you have done, so here is what I did:
AH's worst relapse to date (in 25 years of marriage), became clear to me in January of 2006. I don't know how long it had been going on. In March of 2006, I decided how I wanted my life to look in a year. At that time, I wasn't making any decisions about leaving him or staying with him. I just was deciding what I needed for myself and my boys.
I think my first step was getting my hands on all the information I could about addiction and recovery, and what in the world that looks like, because I didn't have a clue. I just knew if something didn't change I was going to go off the deep end.
Reading 'Codependent No More' and 'Language of Letting Go' are a good place to start. My personal favorite on this subject is 'Boundaries' by Cloud and Townsend. I find myself reading and re-reading it. When my boundaries start feeling hazy, I read it some more.
I spent (still spend) a lot of time here at SR reading and asking questions and trying to draw from the experience of others on both sides of the addiction fence.
And I journaled, journaled, journaled my feelings. I wrote letters to AH that I never gave him, but they helped me clarify my feelings. I wrote down all the things that had hurt me and all the damage I did to myself reacting to those things. When I felt myself falling back into those old habits, I got those journals out and read them until I got back on track.
I started slowly protecting our financial assets, just in case. I looked and found the best attorney I could find, just in case. I built a support system of people I could trust by gradually being honest with them about my life and his, just in case. And when it became clear that he wasn't going to believe me when I said 'it will really be over this time if you don't get help', I made my move and filed for divorce.
That was almost a month ago, and he MAY be just starting to get a clue that I meant what I said. I'm not at all surprised that he didn't believe me, though, because I quacked just as much as he did for years. I just didn't realize it.
Didn't mean to write a book here. I get carried away sometimes LOL!! Here is a post that I saved and read from time to time. It really helped me in the beginning. It is called 'Want to Know When the Pain Stops?':
__________________________________
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.
The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.
The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.
The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.
The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.
The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.
The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.
__________________________________________
I hope something in here helps you. Take what you can use and leave the rest. Take care of yourself, you are worth it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: BFE
Posts: 116
HK - letting go of the outcome is SO hard.
Also, trying to decide whether to stay or go can drive you crazy when you're right in the middle of everything.
My advice, if you're asking, is that sometimes you just have to do what you know is good for you, as best as you can, minute by minute - and don't give yourself a lot of grief about letting go of the outcome just yet or about making very big decisions all at once. Just do your best to determine what IS yours to worry about, and what is NOT, and try to physically keep yourself from doing things that you know are not healthy - i.e., searching through your addicted loved one's belongings, going out to "find" them, calling them all the time to "check" on them, etc...
I found that, when I started taking care of myself and my own priorities, and giving to God what I couldn't handle myself, eventually I saw the positive effects of it - and it was thus easier for me to believe that things would be okay no matter WHAT happened - and that's when I started letting go of the outcome.
Also, I decided NOT to decide on the fate of my relationship with ex-ABF until I felt like I could really handle it. And amazingly, it just kind of came to me one day - with no drama at all. He didn't "do" anything. I just realized that, for me, it wasn't right. Until then I was "staying" of course, and I didn't even have to make a decision to "stay", I just had to make the decision not to act when I didn't know how. I only made the decision to "go" when I could. And I'm okay with it, even though it is really hard to deal with him right now, because he's so emotional. But I am strong enough, whereas I wouldn't have been a few months ago.
Also, I try really, really hard to make sure that I'm not doing X expecting that Y will happen, if "Y" is something that someone else is going to do or not do. X does NOT equal Y... because "Y" is something I can't control. If "Y" happens, cool, but it wasn't because of "X". That's how I try to live my life, and if I see that I'm probably doing "X" just to get "Y", I don't even bother with "X". Too much effort.
Also, trying to decide whether to stay or go can drive you crazy when you're right in the middle of everything.
My advice, if you're asking, is that sometimes you just have to do what you know is good for you, as best as you can, minute by minute - and don't give yourself a lot of grief about letting go of the outcome just yet or about making very big decisions all at once. Just do your best to determine what IS yours to worry about, and what is NOT, and try to physically keep yourself from doing things that you know are not healthy - i.e., searching through your addicted loved one's belongings, going out to "find" them, calling them all the time to "check" on them, etc...
I found that, when I started taking care of myself and my own priorities, and giving to God what I couldn't handle myself, eventually I saw the positive effects of it - and it was thus easier for me to believe that things would be okay no matter WHAT happened - and that's when I started letting go of the outcome.
Also, I decided NOT to decide on the fate of my relationship with ex-ABF until I felt like I could really handle it. And amazingly, it just kind of came to me one day - with no drama at all. He didn't "do" anything. I just realized that, for me, it wasn't right. Until then I was "staying" of course, and I didn't even have to make a decision to "stay", I just had to make the decision not to act when I didn't know how. I only made the decision to "go" when I could. And I'm okay with it, even though it is really hard to deal with him right now, because he's so emotional. But I am strong enough, whereas I wouldn't have been a few months ago.
Also, I try really, really hard to make sure that I'm not doing X expecting that Y will happen, if "Y" is something that someone else is going to do or not do. X does NOT equal Y... because "Y" is something I can't control. If "Y" happens, cool, but it wasn't because of "X". That's how I try to live my life, and if I see that I'm probably doing "X" just to get "Y", I don't even bother with "X". Too much effort.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Trying_in_Texas
Also, I try really, really hard to make sure that I'm not doing X expecting that Y will happen, if "Y" is something that someone else is going to do or not do. X does NOT equal Y... because "Y" is something I can't control. If "Y" happens, cool, but it wasn't because of "X". That's how I try to live my life, and if I see that I'm probably doing "X" just to get "Y", I don't even bother with "X". Too much effort.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This is all very new to me. We have been together for about a year and a half and I had known of his past drug problems. He actually started using shortly after we were dating. Then got clean up until this past Jan. when I realized something was up. Truthfully I never even thought he'd go back. I didn't understand the extent of this.
I loooovveed the "The Pain Stops when..." It was so true and incrediblyl moving. All of your reponses have been so motivating and supportive.
Why is that I still can't stop thinking that he doesn't love me anymore?
That this distance- this extreme behavior changes- this different person - just does not want me/love me anymore.
When will I be able to see that it's not reflective of my flaws or that it signifies that he does not love me as I thought he would.
This is all very new to me. We have been together for about a year and a half and I had known of his past drug problems. He actually started using shortly after we were dating. Then got clean up until this past Jan. when I realized something was up. Truthfully I never even thought he'd go back. I didn't understand the extent of this.
I loooovveed the "The Pain Stops when..." It was so true and incrediblyl moving. All of your reponses have been so motivating and supportive.
Why is that I still can't stop thinking that he doesn't love me anymore?
That this distance- this extreme behavior changes- this different person - just does not want me/love me anymore.
When will I be able to see that it's not reflective of my flaws or that it signifies that he does not love me as I thought he would.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Why is that I still can't stop thinking that he doesn't love me anymore?
That this distance- this extreme behavior changes- this different person - just does not want me/love me anymore.
When will I be able to see that it's not reflective of my flaws or that it signifies that he does not love me as I thought he would.
That this distance- this extreme behavior changes- this different person - just does not want me/love me anymore.
When will I be able to see that it's not reflective of my flaws or that it signifies that he does not love me as I thought he would.
Awww Heather, you aren't alone there. I think that's a big part of our codependent personalities...believing that we are somehow not good enough. I found that type of thinking started to decrease the more I worked on me...read, posted, went to meetings...journalled, read some more...went to more meetings. It sounds like a lot of work, but it actually becomes a wonderful thing. I get so inspired reading posts here...this one is particularly terrific! I so look forward to my Naranon meetings and schedule the rest of my life so it won't conflict. Little by little, you'll find the you that you never really knew. And once you can love you, it will help you to understnad that it isn't that you are not good enough.
I know it hurts and I'm sorry you are going through this. I found it easier, especially in the beginning, to break things into smaller pieces. If I knew I could not stick to something big, what could I stick to? Maybe just that I was not going to call for an hour or that I would bite my tongue when I wanted to say what to do. It's almost like getting into an exercise regime...you have to start light and build up.
I liked Cat's list of words when the addict tries to engage us in a fight so we will feel guilty and not good enough. Walking away from those useless conversations/debates/arguments/manipulations was one of my first boundaries, probably because they caused me the most pain and I had to stop the pain. I used the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way" often and then I would walk away until the behavior changed.
Hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Good morning...I was going through some things I have saved that help me along the journey and found this from The Language of Letting Go. I thought of you and asking about tools. I hope it helps to add to the tool box. Hugs
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.
Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.
People's hope and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with my issues, my responsibilities, and myself. I will take my hands off what is not mine
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.
Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative behavior, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.
People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them, too. Not us.
People's hope and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with my issues, my responsibilities, and myself. I will take my hands off what is not mine
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