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Old 03-29-2007, 12:22 PM
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Just Needing to Talk

Hello All,
I am new to this posting stuff... although I have read many of entries in the past 3 weeks, I have finally worked up the nerve to type one myself. 3 months ago, I instantly feel inlove, I knew some of his past and I also knew a lot of his family. We had the most awesome relationship.. until the relapse weekend. 3 weeks ago he relapsed after 3 years and it broke my heart. He was honest and told me what he had done, but it has taken us 3+ weeks to work it all out. I have told him that we all make mistakes, but the same mistake twice is problem. We have talked about what lead to that weekend, the weekend itself and where we were going with it, but I am not sure what to expect. Within the last week he had told me "thank you" he has told me how he feels about me and he has begun to get help and to realize that there is too much to lose. Am I being naive? What do I expect? I trusted him wholeheartedly before this...is it ok to trust him again? I know that a lot of you are dealing with active addicts and that every story is different.. I just wanted to see what some of you thought.
Thanks.....
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Old 03-29-2007, 12:37 PM
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Inlove,

Welcome to SR, I am glad you found our little world here. I find it a little hard to respond to you because theres so much I would like to say but I am trying to hold it back so it doesn't seem that it comes out harsh or not encouraging. I guess the only thing I could say to you is about me and what I am going through and went through and you take it from there. My boyfriend is a crack addict, I knew he had a problem in the past when we got together but didnt think it would be issue with him. Why I have no clue I also didnt know what he was like when he used. Then like you after about 3 months he relapsed and for me I thought and felt like it was the end of the world. Since that time its been about 3 years... I have been on one LONG ROLLER COASTER ride. recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse, jail, programs and it goes on and on. I now have 1 year old boy from him and wouldnt change anything because I love my son with all my heart. But right now I have a hard life because of the CHOICES I MAKE. If your in a relationship with an addict nothing will be easy. And if they are in recovery if we want top remain in a relationship we need to understand that relapse from our addict is possible and any given moment. When it comes down to it it's up to you and what you feel you deserve in your life.

Hugs and welcome,
Jewel
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Old 03-29-2007, 01:19 PM
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Jewel thanks so much. I think one of the issues that I having is, he was clean for 3 years and has only relapsed once, knows he made a mistake, went back into meetings as soon as he realized what he had done, have recognized that he realizes he had a lot to lose, etc. I have read the stories of people stealing, draining bank accounts, leaving for days/months, using the heck out of people, etc. but my guy messed up and seems to realize that he did, etc. Am I being naive? I don't want to look/seem like a naive person and God knows I don't wanna get hurt, but I don't wanna give up if he is truly trying to recover.
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Old 03-29-2007, 01:28 PM
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An interesting dilemma 3 months into a relationship. Not knowing your boyfriend's DOC - I would suggest that you do a whole lot of research about it and all of the consequences. Read the stickies in this forum. Keep asking questions.
Flower, made an interesting post look into the drug he relapsed on and what it could do to someone. I can not tell you to stay or leave cause everyone is different and really its your choice. But you could research as much as you can of his drug of choice.

One thing I wanted to point out to you about my situation, my boyfrien never stoled from me.. not once, never disapeared for days at a time. I always knew where he would be at, and never cheated on me. But back then I decided to stay with him and it has been up and down ever since. I am not saying it would be the same for you but it could be a possibility if you chosed to stay and you need to decide if you are open to that.

hugs and many prayers to you and your abf

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Old 03-29-2007, 01:34 PM
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Thanks Jewel and TXSunFlower. His DOC is Crack. I found the SR site by researching things like "Crack" "Inlove with a Crack Addict" and the affects, etc. Additionally, he does have a sponsor and he has been to meetings. I am not sure what his recovery was like 3 years ago when he stopped using then, but I knew that he was attending meetings. People who don't know much about addicts, etc. (myself included) have told me to run like the wind, but I cannot help but think that only one relapse in 3 years is a step in the right direction.
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Old 03-29-2007, 01:43 PM
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Inlove, I decided to stay with my boyfriend through everything, yes there have been times we were seperated, my choice but all in all I stayed with him. Is that choice for everyone nope it isnt is it the right choice for me.. to be complete honest I dont believe so either. I am not going to tell you straight out to run for the hills but if you were my best friend and knowing all I know about crack I would tell her to get out as soon as she can and that she doesnt deserve to live in uncertainity for the rest of life while she is in a relationship with him. But like I keep saying this is your choice and hopefully he is and will continue to work on his recovery. Do what is best for you and your relationship. Stick around, keep reading and keep posting.

Hugs,
jewel
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Old 03-29-2007, 01:45 PM
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hi and wleocme here!!
its good you found this place it will help u alot.im sorry for things not to be easyforu now..
addicts do replapses sometimes and and its hardto watch,, but i heard its even part of the recovery.. atelest your bf went back to the meetings and its good sign!! ihope he will continue tofo top meetings and getthe help he needs,,,
GOD bless u!!
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Old 03-29-2007, 02:16 PM
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Tough one. Some have one relapse & then get back on track & get long-term clean time. Others, this is the beginning of a pattern. 1st thing for you to do is get to your OWN meetings. I could never be either one of my ex's sponsors nor should you try. If you are NOT an addict, you can't think like one. I've known a lot of great people who are in the program & have 5+ years clean. I know those who have relapsed & got back on track. I have been with a man who had 6 years, relapsed & never has gotten it back again. And I finally realized I couldn't take the pain anymore. Bottom line....nobody can tell you what to do. All we can do is share our experience, strength & hope.
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Old 03-29-2007, 04:19 PM
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Only you can make this decision, but I have to tell you that you are playing with fire. You have read my recent thread, "Fourteen Days." Our relationship has been an expensive roller coaster ride, filled with drama.

I started seeing my ABF shortly after he got out of rehab. I wasn't very knowledgeable about crack. I thought he was in recovery and really wanted to get well. He seemed so sincere and convincing. During a period of a year's time, he went back into rehab or detox at least five times. He always made a point of telling me that an addict never knows when he is going to relaspe.

If I had all this to do over again, I think I would have run the other way. At least, go into this with your eyes wide open. Keep reading the posts and see what you are up against. This is an illness he will probably fight for the rest of his life. I pray you will make the right decision.
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Old 03-29-2007, 04:36 PM
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Welcome,

My ex-abf's drug of choice was cocaine, he is a tooter.

Relapses are a common occurance. To me, it's good that he has hopped back on the recovery train.

Keep your eyes and ears open, observe what his actions are...they will speak for themselves.

Remember one thing, he will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not.

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 03-29-2007, 05:11 PM
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Welcome to SR. Yes, this is a toughie. My daughter started out on weed, booze and pills. Then to cocaine and of course when the money got scarce, crack and who know's what else.

She is NOT the same person I knew. The drugs have changed her but then, she has never been clean for long or worked a recovery program. She has her feet firmly planted in that "denial" cement!

The thing is with addicts is that they are wonderful people when not using. They mean what they say and they say what they mean but doing and saying are two entirely different things. And when the drug use makes then mean and nasty, that is the stage when most cannot deal with it.

I'm not saying that your addict will do that but when they start using, it's difficult to know if they are telling you the truth because they don't seem to be able to recognize the difference. The "need" for the drug seems to overtake everything. You need to be aware of that! We, who have never had that experience, do not realize how strong a motivator it is. It has nothing to do with YOU; but it has EVERYTHING to do with the need and control of the drug.

Decide what it is that YOU want out of life; and what you feel you deserve; and what boundaries you are not willing to have someone cross. It's hard but unless YOU take a good look at what YOU want, you will always be second-guessing everything. If he cannot be to you what you need him to be, then you have to make a decision.

Just don't stay with him because of HIM or leave him because of HIM, do either because of YOU! You are the only one who can decide what it is you want and what you can and cannot tolerate. But you cannot FIX or help him if he does not want to fix or help himself. And his actions will speak volumes over his words!

Sorry you are dealing with this but you are not alone.

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Old 03-29-2007, 05:32 PM
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All I can say is if he continues to use, your life will become a nightmare. Is living in a nightmare worth it? If he is telling the truth and seeking help through meetings, then encourage him all the way.
Addiction is for life. Staying clean is one day at a time.
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Old 03-29-2007, 05:42 PM
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it is a good sign he went back to his meetings.was he going on a regular basic before the relapse? there is nothing u can do to save him.he has got to do that himself & for himself.i am glad you foung us & keep coming back.there is alot of info here.stay awhile & read around.your future is your choice.
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Old 03-29-2007, 07:06 PM
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my husband and i both are recovering crack addicts. i do agree with the others. i know that you instantly fell in love 3 months ago, and i am sorry to tell you that, that really is not a long time to know whether or not an addict is ready to recover. it is a good sign that he went back to meeting and has a sponsor. its up to him if he want to stay sober and it takes a commitment to do what he already know that he needs to do.

for my experience only, an addict will tell you whatever they think you want to hear, if it will benefit them. my husband didn't steal from me at the beginning of his addiction, it was only after his addiction began to get worse, and i mean to say that addiction does get progressively worse without a commited plan of recovery, not to say that your boyfriend will be this way, i pray not. just want to share my experience.

i honestly don't mean to disencourage you, but you said 3 months you've been together, my question would be do you really know what it was like before 3 yrs ago, thats something you may want to think about, knowing what his addiction was like back then could give you a clue as to how he would be later, in case of him relapsing again, just to get an idea of how far his addiction had progressed.

my husband has been doing what you described that your bf is doing for 21 yrs, only progressively so much worse, and is just now 4 months clean. rehab, half way house, jail and full circle back again so many times that i lost count. i almost lost my mind trying to stick by him in all of this, and i did lost most all finances and material valuabes eventually as his addiction progressed. its a life that i honestly don't recommend for no one. now the choice is yours and i 'm sorry that you have this choice to make.

now it is possible that your addict can recover, i had 9 yrs clean then slipped, got right up and now i have 5 yrs. i think some recover, some don't, and only god knows who will. even i can't promise that i won't ever use again, all i can do is continue to do what i know to do, cause relapse can happen with notice. i have to be aware at all times. i can never forget that i'm an addict and thats for life, just depends on whether i'm active or sober. i think that its all up to you.

alanon and naranon meetings will help alot. keeping you and your in my prayers.
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Old 03-29-2007, 07:08 PM
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I won't tell you what to do. I had the most beautiful, sensitive, caring, thoughtful[massages, flowers every week, cards for no reason] man that ever was. He loved me...He relapsed, very subtle, noticed differences but didn't understand, thought I was expecting too much from him, all of a sudden, I was buying all the food, any time we went out[less and less], I paid, so we didn't go out too much. He avoided me the last few weeks, going to bed early, working out in the barn, visiting his friends and mom a lot...He died March 9th after a week in a coma and life support. In the last 3 weeks I discovered he used my credit cards, He must have taken my debit card a few times while I was sleeping[and he was not], and charged a couple hundred, He was writing checks on a closed acct we had over a year ago, and come to find out, he was borrowing money from my family[cigarettes, gas, etc]. No one suspected, we were ignorant. This man was not the man I fell in love with. I still cared, but not in the same way. Now that I found out he was stealing from my debit card[he had the # because I had let him use it to buy cigarettes for himself], I realize how desperate and ill he had become. I won't tell you what to do, I loved him, but today is the first day in almost 4 weeks that I haven't cried. I can't imagine choosing to go thru this heart break again... Really pray on this one and good luck.Marian
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Old 03-29-2007, 08:30 PM
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InLove.. Nice to meet you!
My AH doc is any perscription, codine, alcohol, ect. We have been married for 6 year's and this is our 3rd seperation. You have found a wonderful group that is not only very knowledgable in all areas of addiction but very caring also, for our well being.
You have made a good choice to connect with SR. If I would have done that on my 3rd date with AH, I would have done everything differently. I know now what I did not know then.
Hope to hear more post's from you! Keep in touch..
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Old 03-29-2007, 09:24 PM
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InLove, I'm sorry for your pain and glad that you did find this site. I don't think there is any clear answer...I think when we have experienced the pain of loving an addict, we as caring people, don't want anyone else to have to feel such pain. But at the same time, recovery is wonderful...both ours and addicted loved ones and there is always hope.

I hope that you will stick around and continue to read and post. If you are looking for a prediction or a guarantee, I'm sorry to say it is not possible. If you don't believe you can live with such uncertainty in your life, you may want to let go so you don't have to face even the possibility of being hurt. You do not sound naive...you sound hopeful and I believe there is always hope. It's okay to decide that for today you want to stay but give yourself the option of changing your mind tomorrow. And it is okay to decide that you don't want to live with such uncertainty and decide it is better to leave the relationship. We are here with you regardless of what you decide. hugs.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:18 AM
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Everyon before me has given you great advice.

Here is what I offer, and it has nothing to do with drugs, but more to do with relationships.
If the love you both have for each other is real, you can both give each other time. Yes. Time. Time Out. Not time where you don't ahve any contact, but time that is not not in a relationship.

Is that HARD? Oh yes...
Look at it this way.. you are having questions because you love an addict. That is healthy and a first step for you. Take some time out to work on you and take a good hard look at what you need to do for your self to make you a strong woman who loves herself.

Meanwhile, HE needs to take a look at what happened and why and work on HIM.

Let a year go by. It isn't foroever. It is 12 months. You each work on your own stuff and stay friends. Don't move in together. Talk on the phone. Go out as a group with friends. Work on the strongest part of any relationship, which is your friendship and your own care for yourselves.

At the end of a year, if you are still just as in love, that won't have changed and it won't have gone anywhere. Real love that is meant to last forever will still be there. Love is patient. It is people who are not. One year is not too long to learn that.

I wish, in my past relationships I had taken the advice I am giving.
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Old 03-30-2007, 04:55 AM
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Inlove...


Welcome to SR!! I am so glad you found this site.

The addict in my life is my exhusband.
He didn't start using heroin until after we had been married for several years and had a little boy together.

I used to be so naive about addiction. I only wish I had discovered this site years ago.

As everyone says...You are the only one who can decide what to do.
The only thing I might share...is what I have learned about addiction...
It is a life-long disease. Your bf relapsed after 3 years of being clean (at least thats what he's telling you). Sadly, someone in active addiction will tell us just about anything. Do you really know how long he's been clean?

If you continue this relationship you need to know that addiction will always play a role in it. Always. Addicts are never 'cured'. The possiblity of relapse is always there...and the consequences are incredibly harmful to both the addict and those who love them.

Thats alot of baggage to knowingly take into a new relationship. An awful lot of baggage.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you will stick around. I'm glad you joined us...
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Old 03-30-2007, 07:58 AM
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Thank you all so much for the awesome advice. To answer a question that I think has come up several times... My BF was clean for three years before his relapse 3 weeks ago. I have been friends with someone in his immediate family since I was in grade school and I know a lot about his past... she verified it for me that he was clean for 3 years. I really loved the advice about letting it be ME and HIM and not US at this point. I will definately move in that direction. Additionally, I think that a lot of you are wondering why if this has happened just after 3 wonderful months I have not bailed, because in retrospect you might have, well... although I have deep feelings for my CH I am also a very strong person and have never and will never put up with a lot of B.S. I really think that should he relapse again, I will bail. As I said earlier.. I am all about people making mistakes, but making the same mistake twice or more is not a mistake.. its a problem. I will take it all one day at time and enjoy his company and encourage him to continue his meetings, etc. It helps me out a lot that he calls me right after his meetings and tells me what he learned, etc.
Thank you all again for your advice.
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