Vent- "Keeping the Secret"

Old 03-29-2007, 09:51 AM
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Vent- "Keeping the Secret"

Do you ever feel like you have to keep your loved one's addiction a secret? Do you ever get sick of it? Who can know about it? who shouldn't know about it? Will one person that knows tell another person??? I am just plain sick of keeping "the secret." I just don't even give a crap anymore about who know and who doesn't know? This may be harsh but shouldn't that be a consequence of being an addict? I realize there is a stigma attached to being an addict, especially hard drugs but I just am so sick of keeping my life a secret from my friends, family and my loved ones.

For example, as many of you know I moved out of our home two weeks ago. So, I told one of my good friends (I am in her wedding in October) that I moved. Ummm don't you think she was bound to find out sooner or later? So then, I have to listen to my AH bitch at me for telling one of my good friends that I moved out? He said that her fiance would tell someone that he works with and then everyone that he works with would know I moved out... And to make matters worse, I talk to my AH's mother and she agrees and defends him??? Come on....

I guess i don't know what the answer is... what are your thoughts?
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Old 03-29-2007, 09:53 AM
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You can tell whom you want to tell. There is no reason for you to hide any of it. Addicts just love to make us feel that way though
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Old 03-29-2007, 09:57 AM
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High five! I'm in the same boat.
I kept it a secret for years that we were together.. and now that I moved out, people were inquiring. So.. I told them. AH has substace abuse issues. He's an addict. He's now in a 12 step program.
I myself got tired of feeling like the guilty one who had the problem. Telling people also keeps me in check. If I were to lie.. It would be me pretending again.
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Old 03-29-2007, 10:01 AM
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Ahhh....I kept it a secret for a long time.
.....and I know why...I was ashamed, and embarrassed..
.somehow I thought it reflected on my mothering skills...

My, my, silly me, again.....

No secrets anymore!

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Old 03-29-2007, 10:44 AM
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ohh were inthe same boat,,
its drive sme nuts ,, so may time sihave to find reasons to tell peopel about why we cant come ,, or why i came alone and stuff like this..
myhusband sfamily knows about it,, my paent dont know it and actually very litle people form my side know it. no freinds,, just a freind thather husband is myhusbands freind and she goes toalanon meetings.
sometimes i feel like iwant to tell it,, but than whati f and how, and all things thoughts come to my head,...
the good things there is this place soberrecovery ,,,,,,, saved me lots of pain,!! hugstoyou and ifthere is people u wanttotalk t o them about it justtalk,, it will help u,!!! hugs toyou!!!
and whoever u dont feel like telling itsnon of their bussines.. do whatis goodfor u,!!
hugs and prayers ur way!!
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Old 03-29-2007, 12:17 PM
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Heard it all before
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Check out my username......Where do you think I got that from?! lol
The big secret we have to keep about addiction.
It got so bad in my family I felt as if we had to be careful that we didn't let it slip to my brother (the addict) that he was an addict. God Forbid he should find out! lol
It's like the elephant in the middle of the room that no one talks about. Actually, the username I first wanted to use had something to do with that but it was already taken.
I don't run around shouting from the rooftops about my brother's addiction, but if it comes up in conversation I don't keep it a secret. It's not like I'm lying, I'm the one telling the truth.
Once you start to open up about it you'd be surprised how many people have similar stories and just how many people are affected by addiction.
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Old 03-29-2007, 02:06 PM
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Don't lie. That just makes it easier for him. You have'nt done anything wrong. If he's embarrassed then he should get clean.
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Old 03-29-2007, 02:33 PM
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i too have kept the secret. like moose i thought it probably reflected on my parenting skills. you know, small town, respected family. blah, blah,blah. now when someone ask about my as i tell the truth. he has many issues to work through. it may keep some of our friends from enabling him, or being manipulated by him, whic in turn actually helps him even though he dosent think so. could be the same in your case, or it could not. either way i think honesty is best.
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Old 03-29-2007, 02:38 PM
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He's just quacking. Trying to make you feel guilty for something that is his fault. You didn't do anything wrong at all.

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Old 03-29-2007, 02:54 PM
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I haven't told anyone yet about my as. Only a friend of my husband knows. I can't really bring myself to talk about it yet. My family would be supportive and caring, but I'm just not ready to share. They love my as and it would break their hearts too. As for my husband's family. Everyone is his family have secrets and they like to keep it that way. Feel no immediate need to share with them. They wouldn't be as understanding.
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Old 03-29-2007, 03:33 PM
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I kept the "secret" because I felt like a failing mother not to mention my ras begged me not to tell anyone. then one day I thought to hell with it and I told my best friend. what a load off my mind!!!!!whew, someone I can finally talk to other than mr. rahsue, well domino effect, couldn't have been hvppier that everyone knew and I didn't feel too bad after that. progress, progress, progress!!
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Old 03-29-2007, 05:07 PM
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keep it secret i think was mainly beneficial for him, what about your feelings. usually, addiction can't stay hid for long anyway. you keeping his issues secret, can leave you feeling isolated from those who may be able to help in some way. sorry that you are going through this. i think that maybe its time to pay more attention to what you want and feel. let him worry about the consequences of his own actions, that is why you move out, right?
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Old 03-29-2007, 08:10 PM
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*to thine own self be true* - the more you talk about it the less space it takes up in your head - when my son was in an intensive outpatient program the more i talked about our *issues* the better i felt - i'll bet that's the case for everyone here - and our big secret is right the more people you tell about your experiences the more you'll find people in the same situation as you - it feels good to know others really understand - i met with a group of moms from my sons program - we all have kids in the program - we talk about everything and i think we have a real understanding of where we are coming from - addiction affects so much of our behaviours and thinking - it feels so good to get it out - and don't worry about him - he's the reason your dealing with addiction in the first place ...

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Old 03-30-2007, 03:45 AM
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I kept things a secret, too. For a long time. Why? I guess because I was 'ashamed'...but also because I knew my exah would be sssoooo angry if anyone were to know what was really going on with him. He used to tell me that this was a private family matter and I believed him...until I couldn't handle things on my own anymore.

Addicts thive on secrecy and deception. If a spot light is shone on their problem, they lose the ability to lie, manipulate, and use people around them. Its no wonder they want us to keep their secret.
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Old 03-30-2007, 11:40 AM
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I have done a lot of research in the past 3 weeks since my CH relapsed and one of the things that caught my eye was about being an enabler. In a few articles, etc. they said that we are enabling them if we keep it a secret. If WE came up with excuses for them it becomes our problem and not theirs. After my bf's relapse I personally told all of my friends and close family, etc. and we were only in a 3 month relationship. Of course, I got a lot of flack and advice, etc. and they have all told me to watch out, but I refuse to make up excuses for him. Also, in my "research" I have found out that SOMETIMES its the ones that don't your A has a problem and they "feed" it. I kinda figure, the more who know, the more who will not enable.
Best of Luck to You!!
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Old 03-30-2007, 11:47 AM
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I never kept my A's addiction a secret. I told family, friends and anyone who asked about my A. I figured why should i not tell, many people already knew. I didn't have any negative feedback fromit either. I did find a lot of compassionate and caring people and others who had no clue as to how to respond (understanable.)

I think you'll be amazed that when you "let out the secret" you'll find that it wasn't really such a big secret and you'll also feel a LOT better.
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:19 PM
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Originally Posted by INLOVEWITHCH View Post
SOMETIMES its the ones that don't think your A has a problem and they "feed" it.
You are dead on with this one, inlove. I hid my AH's addiction so well for so long that he is now able to convince perfectly rational, intelligent people that I am the one that is crazy. I know it won't last with most of them because A's will eventually blow their cover; the problem is when the A finds that one person that is so codependent (and doesn't even know what that word means) that they pick up where we left off. Then its off to the races.

It is just insanity.
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:38 PM
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I think you and I share the same A.....
Two months after S moved out (to be with his new GF who he had been cheating with, unknown to me.. suspected but unknown until recently) I was still trying to get him to come and get the last of his stuff. It needed to be out of my house for my own self (it wasn't that much but it was THERE every day!).

Well, I finally called his phone and left a message that I was going to drop it in this area behind where he works. I called his boss and told him I was leaving the stuff there so no one would be accusing me of dumping.

S went nutz.. accused me of embarassing him etc. Well, he is the one who moved out and into some slumshot place with this A sl*t.. and it looks like it is what it is!

NOT my fault and besides I own my house and it is really nice, so he left the appearances behind when he moved out! On top of that, he hid his addiction from me and everyone else (it was past.. HA! Until I found his operation when he was moving out! Past indeed!).

I have had NO PROBLEM saying he is an addict. It is the truth. His sisters asked me "What happened??" I said, "S moved out with no explanaiton and I found his operation in my basement..." Both his sisters knew but had hoped he was clean like he said. They have cut off $$ support to him.

His co worker/supervisor came to my house to fix my computer. He asked What happened. I told him too.

What is the big secret? If he is using, and I know it and it is true, I will say it. If he moved out, I will say that too.

I feel not a single tiny bit of guilt. I am not using, he is. If he doesn't want anyone to know he can do two things:
Stop using (what a novel idea huh?)
Stop selling/dealing (what? and lose his supply and his income?)

If you have a secret it ceases being a secret with the first person you tell..... and if your secret hurts someone else, then it is going to get told.

Yup. He moved out and he moved into the slumhouse with a bunch of people who all use and who he helps supply. If he thinks that makes him look bad, it does. If he is embarassed, it was his choice.

His problem is his problem and not mine, no matter how much he quacks.
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Old 03-30-2007, 12:43 PM
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let it grow!
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when i stopped keeping the secret, i was given a ton of support from family and friends. blessings, k
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:17 PM
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i kept the secret about my moms alcoholism for such a long time, even growing up that was the SECRET. and now i just pray for her. i had no friends growing up because of this secret. she was so unpredictable. anyhow thank you for letting me post it feels good to let it go.
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