Fourteeen Days!
 

This is an update on my ABF who left fourteen days ago. I haven't seen him since he left last Thurs. evening. He called one time, begging me to come get him, even though he was supposed to be in his pickup. He didn't have any gas to drive home. As some of you who have read my thread know, he was two hours away. He called at 12:30 am. I told him I couldn't come because I had to work the next day, and I had missed too much work because of him already. He hasn't called since. He only had the clothes on his back. He said he had been sleeping in his truck, but I really doubt that. Some of you say they usually get with their CH friends when the use. He said he always got high by himself, so I don't really know.

I want to share more of the conversation of that night and get your views. I told him I couldn't live like that, with his using, and I told him I couldn't stop his using. He didn't say a lot, except that it wouldn't be a big deal for me to make the trip, because he said I stay up late anyway---not that late! We talked a little about the evening he left. I reminded him of when he last called me, he told me he was going to meet a guy at 8 pm that night who he was going to do some work for. He said the guy had not showed up, and then I said, "So you just took off." He replied, "Yes." He then said to me that he had f___ed up, hadn't he? I agreed and camly said. "Yes, you did." He told me he guessed he had been trying to kill himself with his using. I told him that I had heard that before, and I didnt' buy that story. He then said he had to get off the phone. He told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him, too. That was the end of the conversation---and the last call.

I have so many unanswered questions. First of all, I can't understand how he could leave everything behind and not even call. I'd like to hear from him. There has, in my opinion, been no closure. He had said he would call me the next day, which he didn't. I figured he'd be back for his clothes by now. Is this his way of releasing me? Did he mean it when he said he loved me? Did he ever love me, or was I just a free ride? Is he dead, still using, or maybe, finally, in a long-term recovery center that won't let him call? Days go by and still "nothing."

This is the weirdest feeling. I have gone through so many emotions: hurt, anger, fear, etc. I am seriously trying to get a handle on my life, but I am dreadfully lonely and tired. I have gone through two really exhausting work weeks. It would have been harder for me to have accomplished what I had to do at work if he had been here. At work, I am so busy, I don't have time to think about him. When I get home, I have to face the four walls alone. I have few friends. He had done his best to isolate me from my family. My kids don't have any sympathy for me. They are just grateful that he's gone. They think it's just that simple...get rid of him. He's out of my life right now, but certainly not out of my mind, especially at night.

I just had to vent a little. I have learned through educating myself on addiction that there is nothing I can do except pray. Still, this cloud hangs over me. I am wondering if I will ever hear from him again. I would like to think that he will find recovery, but I am fearful that he has completely given in to the drugs. He had fought his addiction a lot so that we could lead a half-way normal life, but he was never able to give up the crack. He very skillfully hid the extent of his using.

This "not-knowing" is incomprehensible. The last words were, "I love you." Is that it, now? Never to be thought of again?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad.
an addict is what an addict is, we have all heard the same stories you have
(meeting the guy for a job). sounds like he's getting desperate so he's pulling all the manipulating tricks (killing myself, I f--'d up didn't I) You can start believing what he says when he gets sober, until then he's not feeling too many emotions other than the ones he gets that will get him what he wants. I hope I didn't sound too mean or harsh, I certainly care how you feel but your just not going to get the answers you're looking for just yet.
I'm sorry.

Faith,
Just from my own experience...(my husband on crack) they are really emotionless to everything else expect the HIGH. He would jump around like a jelly bean when he had a fix on the way, but any emotion or care towards me was like a brick wall. A $20.00 bill got more affection than me, but he could show affection towards me for a brief moment if I had the $20.00 bill.

I only know to well the loneliness and yearning for them, but if you really sit and think about it the loneliness out weighs the chaos of addiction.

This crack is nasty stuff!

Rose

I am having trouble sleeping tonight. You would think by now, I would have gotten better. I don't really look for him or a phone call, but I can't help but wonder when or if I'll ever hear from him again. Do they ever just disappear, and you never hear from them again? He has never done this before, but he has never been back to the daily using till this last month or so. He went through that for several weeks. Will he hit "rock bottom", or will he keep doing this daily thing till he dies?

All I can say is that I threw my ex out almost 2 years ago now. We talked off & on...he said everything yours has said to you. And I saw him once in the 2 months he'd been gone. One morning he called....said he had nowhere to go, nobody but me loved him, please let him come home.....I told him not until he got into treatment & recovery. He told me he'd do anything he had to do to win back my love....he said "I love you." And I never heard another word from him until he showed up at my daughter's house 4 months later. He looked like skin & bones. And she said he never looked the bad when we were together. He couldn't believe I'd actually moved back to AZ & left him. He, however, told an old gf the day I wouldn't let him come home that he had NO clue why I threw him out & he was going to kill himself if she didn't let him stay. She has been going through the misery I went through for the last year. I hate to disappoint you, but I will bet you he's found somewhere to stay. They can always find a place to stay. They can always get what they want for drugs. And as long as he's using like that....he has NO feelings towards you or even himself.

I was always told "someday you'll hear". I heard from him 2 times now. But he's still using. My therapist told me that if he ever finds recovery....I'll hear from him....if not.....I"ve lost nothing but pain & misery.

Yet....I still miss the man I loved.

From what I've seen here, addicts have an incredible 'network' ability... they take from each other without compulsion. They always "expect" to be taken care of ... and for the most part, the world complies.

There are many places to stay - sofa surfing, the gullible friend, a new girlfriend... but no matter who, the "what" is always the same. The drug comes first.

For me, it is easier if I separate the person I love from the addiction. While actively using and seeking, I am dealing with the addict, and often, long into recovery, the "addict" may peek through, just to check the weather. I can hate the addict and what he does, without losing the love for the person beneath. Weird... but it works for me.

I hope you can find some relief, soon. Alanon helps me very much, and Naranon and CODA are also a big help.

((hugs))

I would worry
 

I know everybody here is trying to be tough about addicts in their life. I have not been exactly in all the people's shoes and I do not blame them. But I think I can understand how you must feel. I would worry crazy about him. I would be scared that maybe he is somewhere dead or dying. I would probably be looking for him if I knew how and where.
Which is not supposed to be the best advise. Just that the 'not knowing' must be very hard on you and it is even difficult imaginning how you must nowfeel.
God or HP be with you. Sending you love, Aura.

It must be a terrible feeling not knowing what is going on, or how he is doing. IS he O.K? This situation is where the HP comes in, because what else are you to do? Take things day by day.. it's all you can do.

Sending thought's and Hugs!

Faith,

You are expecting to much from yourself, you have a right to your feelings and there is no time limit. Even after my ah being gone coming up 4 years I have my restless nights.

Faith, my husband and I had to sons, he loved these boys with all his heart. I questioned his love for me when his addiction took over, wondering how he could do this to me...he must not love me. Then I though about the love he had for his sons, he has left them as well...that's when I knew just how powerful and how addicted he was. I think it is a known fact that what they enjoyed and loved in life just becomes none existent, the drug is the focus and nothing more. Their life revolves around it and it truely has nothing to do with loving you. Losing his family was not enough to make my husband stop, nor was going to jail. It is so sad to watch it all happen, it is not as though they wake up in the morning normal, their minds are altered 24/7 and they don't even see it.

Will, when and how will they hit their rock bottom we just don't know. My own feeling with it is the harder it is for them to get the drug the better chance that they will just get sick and tired of the fight until they are knocked down and out. As long as they have a way of getting it I think the chances of them seeing the light are pretty low. But they can be very resorsefull in finding ways to keep it coming. I know my husband was running drugs, dealing and the last I heard he had a prositution ring going...sad, sad, sad for a man who 4 years ago had everything going for him.

He would disappear for days, weeks and months, always seemed to surface again though. I was a bag of nerves when the phone would ring, terrified of who was going to be on the other end and what they might have to tell me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and just thought to myself, I wish he would be gone, I just can't take another day of worry, this way it will all be over and life will go on. I was just at the end of my rope, I could not go anywhere without breaking down, a walking zombie. Of course deep down I didn't want to see anything happen to him, I think it was just a way of my mind trying to cope with it.

Slowly but surely I learned how to detach from him, I had to, to survive. He kept reappearing, sometimes after 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, it has now been a year. Slowly but surely I think he just lost the fight, he wasn't coming back to get better, he wanted his cake and eat it to (live here and do the drugs). I have been involved with a woman's shelter and they told me that he will eventually go away while he is still using, he will just go into and stay in the drug world or......

It is a long process and I don't think that you have seen the end of him...

Try and keep your chin up!

Rose

(please don't take this wrong) we can be tough about the addicts in our lives because we have worried ourselves crazy so crazy that some of us if not all have gotten physically ill, really physically ill. so when we say detach youself from the addict it is so that you don't become physically ill and are able to take care of yourself and the people around you because you cannot make an addict stop using only an addict can. ( again please don't think I'm saying this with any force or anger just trying to explain a feeling and experience)

It is a terrible feeling of the unknown, just where are they. I was famous for those all night driving searches. Sometimes I came home still not knowing and sometimes I came home knowing and more upset...sometimes he was damn lucky he didn't come home.

It is a vicious cycle.

Keep us posted...

Rose

Good comments from those who came before me.

Will he be back, probably, will he be clean and sober, probably not. Will he make lots of promises to get back in, probably.

That's when the real test comes, what will you do? It is obvious your children are much happier when he is not in your life, no, they do not understand the love syndrom, but, his actions have disrupted theirs lives and he is still disrupting yours. The yours part, is up to you, obsessing about him only holds you down, stuck in the world of what if's.

Use this time to re-evalute you, where do you want to be 5 years from now and how are you going to get there.

Have you attended any meetings? They were a life saver for me.

Faith, my son disappeared almost 3 years ago and I have not heard a word since. That troubled me for a long time, I searched for him once (by telephone) and by coincidence he was expected there that weekend. They had sent him a bus ticket but he never showed up. I know he cashed the ticket in and continued on his journey of active addiction.

I never looked again, because I realized that as long as he was active in his addiction, finding him would only put me back in a front row seat and that's one place I am not prepared to sit anymore. When he gets clean, he knows where to find me, he knows that we love him and he knows where to get help when he is ready.

I get through my days saying a prayer every morning, giving his care up to God. Doing that allows me to continue through my day, finding the beauty and joy in each one. It has allowed me to move forward in my life, to heal and to grow. It has allowed me to live life as God intended, happily and productively and in faith that some things are simply not mine to control.

I hope you find your peace, I hope that one at a time you can come to accept that life brings us all choices and that some people make bad ones until they grow weary and reach out for help.

Hugs

I knew your sharing would help sustain me. Tough love helps me, too. It helps to know what others are going through and what they have been through. Please keep sharing. Your posts have shown me that fourteen days is nothing, compared to months, and even years of not knowing. It's just the beginning. I have to get used to this new way of life that doesn't include him. Never mind that all his clothes and belongings are here. What he feels for me, and what I feel for him doesn't even matter. I know in my heart that "no contact" is really better for me if he continues to use. It's just the heart that gets in the way. I must try to put my focus on my children

(((Faith)))) The "not knowing" is the worst for sure. It is the memory of what once "was" that is keeping that small part of you clinging to hope. You may never "know", and for us humans that is oh so hard. We want to "know' as if that will change or make things better. If he is alive, then you will constantly wonder where, what, and how he is doing. If he is not alive, well, then at least (after the guilt goes away) you will have closure. What is making you upset and sick with worry is the fact that another person is "controlling" your emotions. That is why (and SO hard to do!) it is important to learn to detach from your emotions. I don't know if you meditate (which is different than praying), but if you do, while you are "sitting" let the emotions rise and fall like waves. Examine each one without getting attached to it and let it go. Emotions are really just complex chemical reactions in our brains. Detach and things will become a little easier.
Of course, all this is great in theory, hard in practice! I know!!
I hope this helps.
Hugs & prayers for you, my dear.

The middle schoolers are doing fine today. I just got about ten ARD meetings out of the way, so I can teach for a few days. Next week, I have four more meetings. That takes me out of the classroom. We are playing catch-up, trying to get ready for the statewide TAKS test in April. So you see, I really have a lot to do besides worry about an addict. It doesn't mean I stop worrying and thinking about him. Just at school, the kids keep me busy.

Thanks.

Glad you are staying busy and don't have alot of time for worry. Keeping you in my prayers. Hope things get better for you soon.

Thank You all for the advise and words given. I will be posting soon to tell you all my story, but in the meantime, these all have helped!

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I miss my AH too and get lonely sometimes. However, I would rather have to feel lonely then to have constant chaos. I know you love him and I have so much sympathy for what you are going through. But sadly, until he realizes he has a problem and needs help to solve it you may not get the answers you are hoping for.

I would just try to take care of YOU right now and try to do something to take your mind off of him when you are most likely to worry or think about him.. read a book at night before you go to bed, play board games with your children, I actually sleep with two big pillows next to me becuase for some reason there is comfort in that for me. Everyone has hard days in recovery, including us. You will get through this and I hope you feel better soon.

Prayers,
Tiffany

hi faith!!
im o sorry for all the pain,,
it must be veryhard but youre very strong!!!
concentrate on your recovery now,, we dontknow if he will come back,, or when or what,, so there is nothing u can do,, just concentrate on u,, things that make u happy,, and go justfor today day by day.. stay strong!!!
im praying for u!!GOD bless u

Hello All, I have posted a Thread under "Just Needing to Talk" I would love for you all's opinion!
Thanks A Lot!

Thanks to everyone at SR, I am beginning to get my head on straight. You are so right that our recovery takes a long time. The finances are the biggest mess. Today, as I was trying to pay the bills, I realized what a jerk he had been with all his broken promises about how he was going to help me. When is all weighs out, he hurt me badly in many ways. It may not be easy, but I will survive and carry on. I guess you all have been there and know how much it helps to share with others. This, more than anything else, helps me.

I know now that the longer he stays away, the stronger I will be. I am busy cleaning up the messes he has made in my life. I don't have a clue how I could have been so stupid, but they are such great manipulators and convincing liars. They hit us where we are vulnerable. I read the posts about Karma, and what goes around, comes around. No one can prosper by taking advantage of and hurting others.

I will keep you posted from time to time. I am sure this is not the end of this drama.

You were NOT stupid. You fell in love. Love is never stupid. It's just you fell in love with someone who is more in love with a drug...than people. I know in my heart that my ex loved me the best he knew how. And that he just didn't try hard enough or what to be clean enough to get out of the mess he has made of his own life. From the "recovering" addicts I have talked to....it is VERY tough to get & stay clean.

i can feel your pain & i am sorry for your hurt.you can never be sure what an addict is feeling or where they are or what they are doing. the only thing you can do is take care of yourself & as you said pray.we do alot of it or at least i do,for my addict & all of yours.let us hear from you. we care.hugs,hope

i'm sorry that i'm late on this, and i havent gotten a chance to read all the responses, i've been kind of busy today. just want you to know that i'm so sorry that you are still worried and have not heard from him. if something was so wrong, don't you think that his family would contact you? since they haven't then he's probably, and since he hasn't contacted you, i would think that he's still out using somewhere. active addicts don't usually care about hygene. so for him to not have changing clothes is not all that uncommon. when my husband stayed out those 17 days, he found changing clothes somewhere, and i guess he found somewhere to sleep. they are very resourceful. they will find a way. sorry that this is happening and you are welcome to pm me any time. still praying for you.

((((((Faith))))))
I'm sorry...I know this part is very hard and no matter what, it takes awhile to move to a place where the hurt isn't so deep and the worry so intense.

It has helped me to remind myself that worry accomplishes nothing and can not change a thing. I tend to find that one easier when i truly can not attempt to control a situation...when it is out of my reach. I'm still working on not controlling and not worrying both at the same time, lol...seems I can do one most times, but not both at once all the time.

I'm glad you are keeping busy...that is helpful. If you can talk to your higher power and let HP know you need a little help with this, I know he'll hear you. He may not fix it the same way you would, but his plans always work so much better than mine.

I know it is really hard not to ask yourself all the questions...does he love me, will he stop? I agree with Big Sis that it was easier for me to separate the loving person from the addiction. Hugs and prayers.

Faith--- I've not read the other posts.

I figured out finally that it didn't matter if he "loved" me or not. His actions didn't show me that he loved me, and that was all I ultimately needed to know.

If you really want love... you need to feel it and to have the other person in the relationship show it. If they don't... it's not love to you, whether they profess it or not.

That's what it came down to for me.

Faith,
I don't think you were stupid at all. Everyone wants and likes to be loved. We always seem to do the pros and cons and we ALWAYS want the person back that we feel inlove with. I think women have a tendency to forgive and forget a lot of things and make up facticious things in our minds to justify things. Faith, just remember.. you are the only person that can take care of you. Moreso, don't ever thing you are stupid... just hopeful and inlove.
Best of Luck,
INLOVEWITHCH