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-   -   Fourteeen Days! (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/119609-fourteeen-days.html)

faith123 03-28-2007 08:22 PM

Fourteeen Days!
 
This is an update on my ABF who left fourteen days ago. I haven't seen him since he left last Thurs. evening. He called one time, begging me to come get him, even though he was supposed to be in his pickup. He didn't have any gas to drive home. As some of you who have read my thread know, he was two hours away. He called at 12:30 am. I told him I couldn't come because I had to work the next day, and I had missed too much work because of him already. He hasn't called since. He only had the clothes on his back. He said he had been sleeping in his truck, but I really doubt that. Some of you say they usually get with their CH friends when the use. He said he always got high by himself, so I don't really know.

I want to share more of the conversation of that night and get your views. I told him I couldn't live like that, with his using, and I told him I couldn't stop his using. He didn't say a lot, except that it wouldn't be a big deal for me to make the trip, because he said I stay up late anyway---not that late! We talked a little about the evening he left. I reminded him of when he last called me, he told me he was going to meet a guy at 8 pm that night who he was going to do some work for. He said the guy had not showed up, and then I said, "So you just took off." He replied, "Yes." He then said to me that he had f___ed up, hadn't he? I agreed and camly said. "Yes, you did." He told me he guessed he had been trying to kill himself with his using. I told him that I had heard that before, and I didnt' buy that story. He then said he had to get off the phone. He told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him, too. That was the end of the conversation---and the last call.

I have so many unanswered questions. First of all, I can't understand how he could leave everything behind and not even call. I'd like to hear from him. There has, in my opinion, been no closure. He had said he would call me the next day, which he didn't. I figured he'd be back for his clothes by now. Is this his way of releasing me? Did he mean it when he said he loved me? Did he ever love me, or was I just a free ride? Is he dead, still using, or maybe, finally, in a long-term recovery center that won't let him call? Days go by and still "nothing."

This is the weirdest feeling. I have gone through so many emotions: hurt, anger, fear, etc. I am seriously trying to get a handle on my life, but I am dreadfully lonely and tired. I have gone through two really exhausting work weeks. It would have been harder for me to have accomplished what I had to do at work if he had been here. At work, I am so busy, I don't have time to think about him. When I get home, I have to face the four walls alone. I have few friends. He had done his best to isolate me from my family. My kids don't have any sympathy for me. They are just grateful that he's gone. They think it's just that simple...get rid of him. He's out of my life right now, but certainly not out of my mind, especially at night.

I just had to vent a little. I have learned through educating myself on addiction that there is nothing I can do except pray. Still, this cloud hangs over me. I am wondering if I will ever hear from him again. I would like to think that he will find recovery, but I am fearful that he has completely given in to the drugs. He had fought his addiction a lot so that we could lead a half-way normal life, but he was never able to give up the crack. He very skillfully hid the extent of his using.

This "not-knowing" is incomprehensible. The last words were, "I love you." Is that it, now? Never to be thought of again?

rahsue 03-28-2007 08:33 PM

I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad.
an addict is what an addict is, we have all heard the same stories you have
(meeting the guy for a job). sounds like he's getting desperate so he's pulling all the manipulating tricks (killing myself, I f--'d up didn't I) You can start believing what he says when he gets sober, until then he's not feeling too many emotions other than the ones he gets that will get him what he wants. I hope I didn't sound too mean or harsh, I certainly care how you feel but your just not going to get the answers you're looking for just yet.
I'm sorry.

rose 03-28-2007 08:52 PM

Faith,
Just from my own experience...(my husband on crack) they are really emotionless to everything else expect the HIGH. He would jump around like a jelly bean when he had a fix on the way, but any emotion or care towards me was like a brick wall. A $20.00 bill got more affection than me, but he could show affection towards me for a brief moment if I had the $20.00 bill.

I only know to well the loneliness and yearning for them, but if you really sit and think about it the loneliness out weighs the chaos of addiction.

This crack is nasty stuff!

Rose

faith123 03-28-2007 09:07 PM

I am having trouble sleeping tonight. You would think by now, I would have gotten better. I don't really look for him or a phone call, but I can't help but wonder when or if I'll ever hear from him again. Do they ever just disappear, and you never hear from them again? He has never done this before, but he has never been back to the daily using till this last month or so. He went through that for several weeks. Will he hit "rock bottom", or will he keep doing this daily thing till he dies?

Blackrose2756 03-28-2007 09:34 PM

All I can say is that I threw my ex out almost 2 years ago now. We talked off & on...he said everything yours has said to you. And I saw him once in the 2 months he'd been gone. One morning he called....said he had nowhere to go, nobody but me loved him, please let him come home.....I told him not until he got into treatment & recovery. He told me he'd do anything he had to do to win back my love....he said "I love you." And I never heard another word from him until he showed up at my daughter's house 4 months later. He looked like skin & bones. And she said he never looked the bad when we were together. He couldn't believe I'd actually moved back to AZ & left him. He, however, told an old gf the day I wouldn't let him come home that he had NO clue why I threw him out & he was going to kill himself if she didn't let him stay. She has been going through the misery I went through for the last year. I hate to disappoint you, but I will bet you he's found somewhere to stay. They can always find a place to stay. They can always get what they want for drugs. And as long as he's using like that....he has NO feelings towards you or even himself.

I was always told "someday you'll hear". I heard from him 2 times now. But he's still using. My therapist told me that if he ever finds recovery....I'll hear from him....if not.....I"ve lost nothing but pain & misery.

Yet....I still miss the man I loved.

BigSis 03-28-2007 09:47 PM

From what I've seen here, addicts have an incredible 'network' ability... they take from each other without compulsion. They always "expect" to be taken care of ... and for the most part, the world complies.

There are many places to stay - sofa surfing, the gullible friend, a new girlfriend... but no matter who, the "what" is always the same. The drug comes first.

For me, it is easier if I separate the person I love from the addiction. While actively using and seeking, I am dealing with the addict, and often, long into recovery, the "addict" may peek through, just to check the weather. I can hate the addict and what he does, without losing the love for the person beneath. Weird... but it works for me.

I hope you can find some relief, soon. Alanon helps me very much, and Naranon and CODA are also a big help.

((hugs))

Aura 03-28-2007 10:01 PM

I would worry
 
I know everybody here is trying to be tough about addicts in their life. I have not been exactly in all the people's shoes and I do not blame them. But I think I can understand how you must feel. I would worry crazy about him. I would be scared that maybe he is somewhere dead or dying. I would probably be looking for him if I knew how and where.
Which is not supposed to be the best advise. Just that the 'not knowing' must be very hard on you and it is even difficult imaginning how you must nowfeel.
God or HP be with you. Sending you love, Aura.

Mavis 03-28-2007 10:01 PM

It must be a terrible feeling not knowing what is going on, or how he is doing. IS he O.K? This situation is where the HP comes in, because what else are you to do? Take things day by day.. it's all you can do.

Sending thought's and Hugs!

rose 03-28-2007 10:27 PM

Faith,

You are expecting to much from yourself, you have a right to your feelings and there is no time limit. Even after my ah being gone coming up 4 years I have my restless nights.

Faith, my husband and I had to sons, he loved these boys with all his heart. I questioned his love for me when his addiction took over, wondering how he could do this to me...he must not love me. Then I though about the love he had for his sons, he has left them as well...that's when I knew just how powerful and how addicted he was. I think it is a known fact that what they enjoyed and loved in life just becomes none existent, the drug is the focus and nothing more. Their life revolves around it and it truely has nothing to do with loving you. Losing his family was not enough to make my husband stop, nor was going to jail. It is so sad to watch it all happen, it is not as though they wake up in the morning normal, their minds are altered 24/7 and they don't even see it.

Will, when and how will they hit their rock bottom we just don't know. My own feeling with it is the harder it is for them to get the drug the better chance that they will just get sick and tired of the fight until they are knocked down and out. As long as they have a way of getting it I think the chances of them seeing the light are pretty low. But they can be very resorsefull in finding ways to keep it coming. I know my husband was running drugs, dealing and the last I heard he had a prositution ring going...sad, sad, sad for a man who 4 years ago had everything going for him.

He would disappear for days, weeks and months, always seemed to surface again though. I was a bag of nerves when the phone would ring, terrified of who was going to be on the other end and what they might have to tell me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and just thought to myself, I wish he would be gone, I just can't take another day of worry, this way it will all be over and life will go on. I was just at the end of my rope, I could not go anywhere without breaking down, a walking zombie. Of course deep down I didn't want to see anything happen to him, I think it was just a way of my mind trying to cope with it.

Slowly but surely I learned how to detach from him, I had to, to survive. He kept reappearing, sometimes after 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, it has now been a year. Slowly but surely I think he just lost the fight, he wasn't coming back to get better, he wanted his cake and eat it to (live here and do the drugs). I have been involved with a woman's shelter and they told me that he will eventually go away while he is still using, he will just go into and stay in the drug world or......

It is a long process and I don't think that you have seen the end of him...

Try and keep your chin up!

Rose

rahsue 03-28-2007 11:09 PM


Originally Posted by Aura (Post 1268405)
"I know everybody here is trying to be tough about addicts in their life". I have not been exactly in all the people's shoes and I do not blame them. But I think I can understand how you must feel. I would worry crazy about him. I would be scared that maybe he is somewhere dead or dying. I would probably be looking for him if I knew how and where.
Which is not supposed to be the best advise. Just that the 'not knowing' must be very hard on you and it is even difficult imaginning how you must nowfeel.
.

(please don't take this wrong) we can be tough about the addicts in our lives because we have worried ourselves crazy so crazy that some of us if not all have gotten physically ill, really physically ill. so when we say detach youself from the addict it is so that you don't become physically ill and are able to take care of yourself and the people around you because you cannot make an addict stop using only an addict can. ( again please don't think I'm saying this with any force or anger just trying to explain a feeling and experience)

rose 03-28-2007 11:39 PM

It is a terrible feeling of the unknown, just where are they. I was famous for those all night driving searches. Sometimes I came home still not knowing and sometimes I came home knowing and more upset...sometimes he was damn lucky he didn't come home.

It is a vicious cycle.

Keep us posted...

Rose

dollydo 03-29-2007 03:01 AM

Good comments from those who came before me.

Will he be back, probably, will he be clean and sober, probably not. Will he make lots of promises to get back in, probably.

That's when the real test comes, what will you do? It is obvious your children are much happier when he is not in your life, no, they do not understand the love syndrom, but, his actions have disrupted theirs lives and he is still disrupting yours. The yours part, is up to you, obsessing about him only holds you down, stuck in the world of what if's.

Use this time to re-evalute you, where do you want to be 5 years from now and how are you going to get there.

Have you attended any meetings? They were a life saver for me.

Ann 03-29-2007 03:41 AM


Originally Posted by faith123 (Post 1268347)
I am having trouble sleeping tonight. You would think by now, I would have gotten better. I don't really look for him or a phone call, but I can't help but wonder when or if I'll ever hear from him again. Do they ever just disappear, and you never hear from them again? He has never done this before, but he has never been back to the daily using till this last month or so. He went through that for several weeks. Will he hit "rock bottom", or will he keep doing this daily thing till he dies?

Faith, my son disappeared almost 3 years ago and I have not heard a word since. That troubled me for a long time, I searched for him once (by telephone) and by coincidence he was expected there that weekend. They had sent him a bus ticket but he never showed up. I know he cashed the ticket in and continued on his journey of active addiction.

I never looked again, because I realized that as long as he was active in his addiction, finding him would only put me back in a front row seat and that's one place I am not prepared to sit anymore. When he gets clean, he knows where to find me, he knows that we love him and he knows where to get help when he is ready.

I get through my days saying a prayer every morning, giving his care up to God. Doing that allows me to continue through my day, finding the beauty and joy in each one. It has allowed me to move forward in my life, to heal and to grow. It has allowed me to live life as God intended, happily and productively and in faith that some things are simply not mine to control.

I hope you find your peace, I hope that one at a time you can come to accept that life brings us all choices and that some people make bad ones until they grow weary and reach out for help.

Hugs

faith123 03-29-2007 04:37 AM

I knew your sharing would help sustain me. Tough love helps me, too. It helps to know what others are going through and what they have been through. Please keep sharing. Your posts have shown me that fourteen days is nothing, compared to months, and even years of not knowing. It's just the beginning. I have to get used to this new way of life that doesn't include him. Never mind that all his clothes and belongings are here. What he feels for me, and what I feel for him doesn't even matter. I know in my heart that "no contact" is really better for me if he continues to use. It's just the heart that gets in the way. I must try to put my focus on my children

tropikgal2 03-29-2007 04:42 AM

(((Faith)))) The "not knowing" is the worst for sure. It is the memory of what once "was" that is keeping that small part of you clinging to hope. You may never "know", and for us humans that is oh so hard. We want to "know' as if that will change or make things better. If he is alive, then you will constantly wonder where, what, and how he is doing. If he is not alive, well, then at least (after the guilt goes away) you will have closure. What is making you upset and sick with worry is the fact that another person is "controlling" your emotions. That is why (and SO hard to do!) it is important to learn to detach from your emotions. I don't know if you meditate (which is different than praying), but if you do, while you are "sitting" let the emotions rise and fall like waves. Examine each one without getting attached to it and let it go. Emotions are really just complex chemical reactions in our brains. Detach and things will become a little easier.
Of course, all this is great in theory, hard in practice! I know!!
I hope this helps.
Hugs & prayers for you, my dear.

faith123 03-29-2007 07:26 AM

The middle schoolers are doing fine today. I just got about ten ARD meetings out of the way, so I can teach for a few days. Next week, I have four more meetings. That takes me out of the classroom. We are playing catch-up, trying to get ready for the statewide TAKS test in April. So you see, I really have a lot to do besides worry about an addict. It doesn't mean I stop worrying and thinking about him. Just at school, the kids keep me busy.

Thanks.

rayofsunshine 03-29-2007 08:58 AM

Glad you are staying busy and don't have alot of time for worry. Keeping you in my prayers. Hope things get better for you soon.

INLOVEWITHCH 03-29-2007 10:49 AM

Thank You all for the advise and words given. I will be posting soon to tell you all my story, but in the meantime, these all have helped!


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