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Family being torn apart

Old 03-27-2007, 05:52 PM
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Family being torn apart

Our family is completely being torn apart! As I have written before my son is the addict in the family. He was in prison for a year and a half. He has burned bridges in the past with his sisters. He has been a addict for about 7 years. He has been out for 3 months and relapsed 3 weeks ago. His one sister wants nothing to do with him. She will not come to the house, so that makes it hard for us to see each other. It breaks my heart. She is our youngest and we have been very close. I talked to her today about Easter and she says she is sorry but she won't come to the house. I am crushed! I feel she can come and be civil to him. Our oldest tries to be to busy. I think they have talked and feel the same. They are tired of what he has put me through. My son has tried to say he is sorry and has tried to make things better.

The part they has no idea of is he relapsed again this weekend and hasn't been home anyway. She doesn't want to know anything about him, so I decided not to tell her. I don't expect her to do anything for him. Just to be a family! His addiction is hard enough on me with out losing the rest of my family. I don't think it is right to have to chose between my kids. I can't imagine asking someone to do that. I have tried to tell her it is different when it is your own child. I feel I can't win no matter what I do. My family has always come first and now i feel like I'm losing it all. I need advice. Thanks!
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Old 03-27-2007, 06:24 PM
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I understand

I am also struggling with the advice to "cut loose" of your child. I say I'm going to do it but if tested I don't know if I can. I'm sorry, I have no advice for you, but wanted you to know you are not alone. There are many of us who are struggling. I'm working the steps, one at a time.
Paula
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Old 03-27-2007, 06:29 PM
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i understand your pain and i'm sorry. addiction effects all involved, like you said, they are thinking of how its effecting you. my therapist told me once that once i got better then my kids would too. maybe as you work on yourself, they may be able to see a change in the way you cope with your son and his addiction, and is more able to handle being around. are you sticking to set boundaries? if so maybe some of these issues will be resolved as you continue to do what it is that you need to do to take care of you. have you gone to any meetings yet, they help so much.

seems like they are more concerned about how all of this is hurting you, and they have decided to take a back seat to all the drama. maybe they are doing what they need to do, so that they won't get as sick as your son. sorry don't mean to be out of line here, i do care.

i honest think that you are not losing your family but i do believe that families get just as sick as the addict and all need recovery. maybe your daughters are coping the only way they know how for now. time brings about a change. keeping all of you in my prayers.
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Old 03-27-2007, 06:34 PM
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hi there!!
sorryfor all the struggle now,, iknow its o hard,, buthings willgetbetter!!
the harddays pass,, the sun will come agin.
my husband is my addict but my sister and brother also,, i understan your dougther its very hardfor siblings too. i think she need the time to hel maybe shes very hurt now and its her way of healling taking time off.
i odnt think amother can choose between her kids,, ,, im amother myslef and will not be able to choose between my kids..
but sometiems its tuff love... the leson that he has to learn maybe is the hardway. i dont know..
i hope you will have the strength to do what u have to do.. i hope tings will get better. i have my sister and its very hard for me but i cant trust her around my kids,, i love her sos omuch but donttrust her,,.
i hope your girl maybe can go toalanon meetings to get some support.
hug to you and GOd bless u.
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Old 03-27-2007, 06:35 PM
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I truly understand your pain, I have been in the exact same situation. I am not telling you what to do, I am telling you what I did. I left my daughter at a 5 day detox and would not allow her to come home, and she was 4 weeks pregnant. Of course I hated that I had to do it but after years of chaos and seeing my other daughter and my mom constantly crying and myself not sleeping, constantly terrified that she was going to die, I had no choice. I saw her or spoke to her once a week, I paid for a tracfone and the first 100 minutes and that was it. My family was dying, I couldn't allow that. I am so sorry that addiction has entered your life, I hate it...Marian
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:35 PM
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i know your pain.i have been there. my son in law (whom i love dearly)refuse for my daughter to have any contact at all with her addict brother for 5yrs. that meant no family gatherings at all.i hate addiction...it takes from all of us...hugs & prayers, hope
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:40 PM
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It's funny isn't it?? Just when we need them the most....our families let us down.

It seems when you are down...the chips just keep falling, kinda like.....can anything else happen to kick us when we are down???

Hang in there girl....we're beside you

((((Hugs))))
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:51 PM
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jsjam,
Sorry for all the turmoil you're going through right now.
IMO, and I say this from my heart....you need to work on you.
Disregard all the stuff going on and just put the focus on you.
If you don't already, start attending some meetings. You'll gain some strength and it will give you some tools to work with.



I'm sorry if you mentioned this before, but how old is your son?


Hugs to you,
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Old 03-27-2007, 07:52 PM
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jsjam,

So sorry for the what is going on in your family. My son is the addict.
He used to shoot heroin. He's not using H anymore, but still continues to be on a path of self destruction. I had a front row seat to that for 5 years.
It's a nightmare, to say the least. His sister lives in Pa., and only will talk to him when he is sober, as he tends to drink himself into a stupor about twice a week. He is holding down a job for now and lives with his alcoholic father.
I had to reach my own rock bottom. It took a while.
I almost lost my husband in the process. He robbed our home, stole money from me, and I finally had him put in jail. He spent 6 months there.
The whole time, I was visiting him 2, sometimes 3 times a week and secretly sending him money to spend in the canteen. I never told my husband.
Once he got out, (only because I dropped the charges) I allowed him back into my home. He stayed clean until we moved to Ohio, in July, this past year.
Then he started drinking regularly and quit a job that took him forever to get.
The night before I kicked him out, he picked up his paycheck, stayed out all night, drinking and he confessed to smoking crack. That was it for me.
Was out all night, called at 5 am to be let into the apartment.
I let him in, and told him he could stay long enough to pack a bag. I was done.
I could go on and on with this, but I won't.
You will get there in your own time. I still speak with and see my son, but I can no longer play center stage in his drama of horror. Just recently he called in the middle of the night. He had broken his hand because he was angry with his dad, they argued and he punched a wall. Calls me to come take him to a hospital. I told him no. I told him to call an ambulance. It broke my heart, but I can't keep giving in. You can't either. I can't let him drag me down with him. You can't either. I have to move on with my life, and pray to God to take care of my son for me, because I can't cure him. A tough realization, but one that had to be made, to keep my sanity.
You have to move on and take care of you. Focus on you. Let go, and let God lead him where he needs to be. I pray that it is into rehab, recovery, and a residence that handles recovering addicts. That's my advice to you.
It's hard. It sucks! I know. I have been where you are.
Read codependent, no more by Melodie Beattie, keep posting here, get into recovery from codependency for youself, and show your son that it's time to stand up and face his consequences. Sorry if I came on too strong.
My sister is still in the throes of codependency with her 2 addict sons.
They will be the death of her. I can't watch anymore. I've been avoiding calling her, because I have to voice my opinions/concerns, and it's not my business. lol Sorry, off on another tangent. I'm feelin' pretty strong tonight. Can ya'll tell? lol
I love my son. I love my sister.
I love me too...
All said with love and understanding,


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Old 03-27-2007, 10:41 PM
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Mooselips, My son just turned 27. I still think of him being young. I guess because he doesn't grow up.
Bookmiser, I can relate with what you are saying. I visited my son 2 times a week and sent him money in prison. He even called everyday. I am crazy, but it was so nice to see him sober. I treasured seeing colorin his eyes instead of all pupils. I have done it all. I just can't seem to hit rock bottom. I can't make myself stop. I really don't think I know how. I have always taken care of everyone. I went to a meeting tonite and they talked about taking care of ourselves. That confuses me, I don't know how. How crazy is that. You all seem so brave and strong, I want to be like that. I just know how! How did you do it? It all hurts so much, and I am tired of hurting!
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Old 03-28-2007, 12:00 AM
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jsjam, your story sounds very familiar! I have an AS age 20 and a teen daughter, age 16. In fact the dynamics of that relationship are the basis of my screen name, caughtinthemid! It was really hard for many years but once he went into rehab I knew he could never live at home again for my DD sake. Now he lives in a half way house and is much happier there (still sober, today, 80 days) and DD and I are repairing our relationship.

I used to hide his relapses from her, but she really knew. As he recovers, she gets a little bit of trust back in him. But honestly I needed to let go of him (in a loving, detached sort of way) to focus on her. I am sure your dynamic is different since she is older and not living with you. But I wish the best for you. Nothing about this is easy, but it also doesn't have to be as hard as we think it is sometimes.

You have found a very safe place to land and I am glad you are here, with many wise folks to comfort you.

Best wishes!
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Old 03-28-2007, 12:18 AM
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My brother is the addict in my family. I understand what your daughters are going through. If i was old enough to move out i would. I dont have anything to do with my brother either. When he comes over i go to my room or leave the house. Your daughters are thinking about themselves and doing what they need to do to lead a normal life. Dont hold it against them. Its hard but its what they need to do. This is just my opinion, its what ive done. My mother had to make the decision to let my brother go.
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Old 03-28-2007, 04:48 AM
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I am sorry you are hurting. However, you have more than one child to consider, their feelings and needs are just as important as you addicted sons. Sometimes we lose focus, placing all our attention on the one who we are trying to save and let the others fall to the wayside. Not intentenally, it just happens.

It would appear they are taking steps to detach from the chaos, and let go.
They need to do whats best for them, their emotional well-being...and in my opinion, so do you.

Sit back, think about what has transpired maybe there are some answers that will help you to make some positive changes with your other children.

I know you are a good Mom, addiction is a very powerful disease, one that has tenacles, those that effect everyone they touch.

Hugs,
Dolly
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Old 03-28-2007, 06:47 AM
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((Jsjam))

If it was your youngest daughter who came in here, wondering if she had to put up with her addict brother who had repeatedly disappointed and hurt her... I think I know what the general advice would be. "Don't go... you don't have to subject yourself to that behavior". Her choice sounds like a valid one.

I am the mom of two addicts. I hung on to both of them for dear life... I clawed and fought and cried and prayed. I was willing to sacrifice my job, my friends and marriage for their safety and sanity.

And you know what?

It didn't make. one. bit. of. difference.

They are addicts. They do what addicts do. Their behavior was deplorable and shameful... and over time, So was mine.

When I finally stopped rescuing and saving and making things better, only THEN were they able to step out of their addiction and take responsibility for their own lives.

You still think of your 27 year old son as "young" because he behaves that way and doing so gets him what he wants. Most addicts stop maturing emotionally at the age of their first use... they stop "learning" coping skills because they rely on their drug of choice to "cope" with life.

That maturation process can restart only when they are REQUIRED to take care of their own needs like all the other adults in the world.

My "saving and rescuing and helping" actually PREVENTED my children from growing up. Every time I 'saved' them, I kept them in a place where they needed my help.... now who is the sick one, eh?

My "job" as a loving, caring parent.... was to let go.

What I do (still), is look around and see what other kids the same age as mine are doing. At 18, many were living on their own... at 20, many had careers...

And I've started to believe that my kids can do the same thing.... absolutely. And I let them know I believe that.

There are plenty of ex-cons who make a life for themselves. There are plenty of recovering addicts who make a life for themselves. And they often DON'T do that by living with mom.

Perhaps this Easter, you can make the rounds to your daughter's homes - to show them how much they still mean to you. That will keep them from having to deal with the brother, yet get the family together.

I hope your day goes well.
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Old 03-28-2007, 07:38 AM
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i'm thinking about you, jsjam. blessings, k
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Old 03-28-2007, 10:18 AM
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my mom just left after bringing my sisters 11 & 7 yr old sons (who now live with their dad) to my house to visit their 2 & 4 yr old half brothers who live with me for now - my sister, the boy's mother, is 38 years old and a full blown crack addict - it breaks my heart to see my mom so worried about my sister - she thinks my sister may be dead - she left a cryptic message on my mom's cell phone - my sisters addiction has been the only real drama in our family for years - it's sickening that her drama comsumes so much of our families energy - i understand my mother needing sympathy - i just can't be that person - i'm angry - i'm angry at my sister for abandoning her children - i'm angry that she leaves messages for my other sister and my brother and my sister but won't call me - i'm angry that she chooses not to get help but chooses instead to use more crack - i'm angry that i may have to raise her two sons whose father is her boyfriend and is just as addicted to crack as she is - and most of all i'm angry that my immediate family is falling apart because of my sisters addiction...

that being said i hope, more than anyone else, that my sister gets help and gets a life - i hope that my mom can try to enjoy her life and the people in it that are not addicts - as someone said above - we are as deserving as her time as the drug addicted daughter and we are lot more pleasant to be around - i don't want my mom to choose - i just want to be able to feel what i feel towards my sister without my mom taking it pesonally - it has nothing to do with my mom - it has everything to do with my sisters actions and my protecting my sanity...

with love and understanding,
s
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Old 03-28-2007, 11:37 AM
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Jsjam,

One day at a time, sweetie.
I'll write more later, as I have to get ready for work.
You have my prayers tonight,
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Old 03-28-2007, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by jsjam View Post
Mooselips, My son just turned 27. I still think of him being young. I guess because he doesn't grow up.
Bookmiser, I can relate with what you are saying. I visited my son 2 times a week and sent him money in prison. He even called everyday. I am crazy, but it was so nice to see him sober. I treasured seeing colorin his eyes instead of all pupils. I have done it all. I just can't seem to hit rock bottom. I can't make myself stop. I really don't think I know how. I have always taken care of everyone. I went to a meeting tonite and they talked about taking care of ourselves. That confuses me, I don't know how. How crazy is that. You all seem so brave and strong, I want to be like that. I just know how! How did you do it? It all hurts so much, and I am tired of hurting!
just to answer to your question, how? in my opinion, you are well on your way, you are posting, reading and going to meetings. it takes time. keep the focus on you the best you can and it does get easier the more you do what you're doing.

i was so mentally unstable when i first came to sr. i'm just doing what i can to follow the suggestion of these people who have already paved the way. i know that i have a long way to go, but thank god, i'm not where i was. just keep going, and you'll see how much better you feel day by day. praying for ya
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Old 03-28-2007, 12:42 PM
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jsjam

you have gotten a lot of good advice. the people here care about you and your family. my as is 20. hes been in programs for over a year and recently relapsed about a month ago. hes now 5 days clean. he has two brothers on 21 one 17. the 21 is in college, he doesn't have to deal with most of the drama. thats not the case with the 17 year old he has to deal with the most of the drama. in my situation and mine only, i look at the situation im in and think about my youngest drowning. what would i do. how far would i go to save him. thats whats happening now. my as's addiction is sucking all the air out of our lives. thats why he has to go to a halfway. for his recovery as well as ours. i personaly dont think my other kids have an obligation to be around his mess. they didnt choose the path he did. why should they suffer the consequences. however like us they love their brother dearly. we have to encouarge them not to enable. they have thier own relationships with each individual member of our family. i believe that relationships cant be the same between 5 different family memebers. i want them to interact one way, but does it really matter what i want, thats not my relationship, it theirs. your daughters each have thier own relationships with your as , you and each other. so its not really choosing is it. we just cant say you three play nice now, like we did when they were little. i sure miss the times they were little, how easy was that. im sure they love you,,they just dont want the drama.
i pray for your family and you
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Old 03-28-2007, 01:07 PM
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I am the sister of a addict, as we all know it is hard to watch someone we go down this path, now in my case, I have to deal with my feeling's trying to detach from him to help myself heal,my mother who work's the al-non program still is falling apart, and I had to tell my Dad that his son was shotting herion, my brother has wiped out bank account's, stold, lied and hurt everyone that love's him, it is hard to be in this place at all, I have had birthday parties gor my parent's and my brother's son and have not let come.
we all have to what is best for us, I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and my prayer's with you...but I do think your girl's are protecting themselves
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