I am posting instead of calling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I am posting instead of calling
I am really struggling today. I could not even go to work the depression was so bad.
I am trying to concentrate on me and telling myself that my life isn't over because my BF cannot seem to get his act together to seek recovery and stop hurting me.
My self-esteem is so entangled in him and our relationship that it is deeply unhealthy. Despite all the awful things he has done and how completely unstable he is, I still love him and I still seem to be seeking his affection and attention when I KNOW that he cannot give it to me. I still keep reaching out hoping that he will mend everything again.
I am having the HARDEST time focusing on myself- things feel so meaningless and empty.
Am just looking for some kind words and/or support.
Right now I feel like calling him and crying to him that I love him and want him to change. I know that nothing will come of it- but it is an incredibly strong urge that I feel takes over me at times.
I am trying to concentrate on me and telling myself that my life isn't over because my BF cannot seem to get his act together to seek recovery and stop hurting me.
My self-esteem is so entangled in him and our relationship that it is deeply unhealthy. Despite all the awful things he has done and how completely unstable he is, I still love him and I still seem to be seeking his affection and attention when I KNOW that he cannot give it to me. I still keep reaching out hoping that he will mend everything again.
I am having the HARDEST time focusing on myself- things feel so meaningless and empty.
Am just looking for some kind words and/or support.
Right now I feel like calling him and crying to him that I love him and want him to change. I know that nothing will come of it- but it is an incredibly strong urge that I feel takes over me at times.
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
It is good you are posting. I posted letters to my xabf.
Another suggestion is to sit down and start writing. Write until you cannot write anymore. Say what you want to say to him. Write it all down. When your hand gets tired, write anyway.
Say it all.. everything you want to say.. on those pages. Eventually you will have wrung it all out of you.
Do you have the book Co Dependent No More by Mlany Beattie? If not, get a copy. You can get it used on Barnes and Noble or your own brand spanking new copy. She has you do things.. write things down.. and helps guide in this.
Someday you will go back and read what you have written and be surprised at how far you have come.. and someday you may even be able to take the pages and watch them burn and let all the words go like smoke.
Been there and done this. It helped me a lot.
Another suggestion is to sit down and start writing. Write until you cannot write anymore. Say what you want to say to him. Write it all down. When your hand gets tired, write anyway.
Say it all.. everything you want to say.. on those pages. Eventually you will have wrung it all out of you.
Do you have the book Co Dependent No More by Mlany Beattie? If not, get a copy. You can get it used on Barnes and Noble or your own brand spanking new copy. She has you do things.. write things down.. and helps guide in this.
Someday you will go back and read what you have written and be surprised at how far you have come.. and someday you may even be able to take the pages and watch them burn and let all the words go like smoke.
Been there and done this. It helped me a lot.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on the Ocean Blue
Posts: 272
Hello HKAngel - First of all you are "Worthy, Special, Unique" and I'm glad you posted your struggles but sorry you have them. I always tried to separate "home" and "work" so found the routine at work helped me with any problems at home. You can focus on trying to find ways to improve yourself and doing little things just for YOU. I know it's hard but just coming here to SR was for YOU - we all have different stories but we can help each other - Hope you find the support you need HK - Sending (((HUGS)))
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are feeling so bad, i do understand and have felt the same way many times, it does get better. you did the right thing in my opinion, by posting instead of calling. you are also right about all the things that you said above. he can not love you the way you want and need to be love, his addiction won't allow him to love himself. he may love you the only way that he knows how, but you deserve more but it will be up to you.
try to change those thoughts of him when they come to you, try praying, reading a good book, something that you can occupy your mind with. maybe you could write him a letter explaining what you feel, then re write the letter as many times as you need to for it to say exactly how you want to say what, just keep re writing the letter until its perfect, by then you may find that you'll need to write a whole new letter, and you don't want to send the first one. writing letters this way and help me so much. never did get to send any of the ones that i would write. hope you feel better soon.
try to change those thoughts of him when they come to you, try praying, reading a good book, something that you can occupy your mind with. maybe you could write him a letter explaining what you feel, then re write the letter as many times as you need to for it to say exactly how you want to say what, just keep re writing the letter until its perfect, by then you may find that you'll need to write a whole new letter, and you don't want to send the first one. writing letters this way and help me so much. never did get to send any of the ones that i would write. hope you feel better soon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 19
I understand how you are feeling. Be as strong as you can right now for yourself. I haven't called my xabf for 1 month now after he hurt me verbally on the phone for the last time 1 month ago. I refuse to let him hurt me anymore by falling for his lies. I love J more than anything and would never have thought I would be starting over again after 6 years but there are others on this site who have spent much longer dealing with these issues which is much more difficult. I thank god this happened now and not later after a marriage and kids. I know now with some time, I can go on with my life and find happiness again. STAY STRONG AND BELIEVE YOU DESERVE ONLY THE BEST!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
hi there, I am truly sorry to hear that you are in so much pain... and I know all to well how hard it can be to face the day.. I have been there..and it's not a good place to be..I'm glad you are posting and letting your feelings out, it's a great place to start..it has helped me beyond what i ever thought was possible.. I was with my ex for 7 years, and like greatgirl I never thought I would be starting my life over, with "M" I loved him so deeply...but the pain overrided my love..the hurt just became too much and my soul was crying out...for me... for me to come back,for me to start taking care of myself and to let "M" take his own path..at first I thought I was being selfish, but I have learned that taking care of me, means that I love myself and that only when I can start loving me am I able to truly love somebody else..... you are special,unique and a beautiful soul who deserves all the happiness in the world... if you would like to chat.. please pm me.....
lotsa love,
Liz
lotsa love,
Liz
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Oh HKAngel, my heart goes out to you. Just a short time ago I was in such severe emotional pain over learning of my husband's addiction I cried so much I thought I would dry up and blow away. I was completely incapacitated and couldn't even go to work the first day after he went into detox/rehab. I had to call our close friends (they are like our family) and my folks and tell the story over and over again. It was devestating. I stayed on this board for days and days and days and everyone here was so wonderful.
Please believe me when I say that this too will pass if you let it. I know it feels like there is a large stone in your heart and your stomach right now, but try try try to work on yourself and detach. I know that seems impossible, but it is possible. Every day, even several times a day, take a deep breathe and pray to your HP for peace. Look at yourself in the mirror (even if you look bad from all the crying!) and say "I am a good, kind, and beautiful person and I deserve the best in life!!" And BELIEVE IT!! Never ever settle for being second best, because when you are with an addict, that is what you are.
Here is a big ((HUG)))) and a prayer for you, my dear. Please let us know how you feel.
Please believe me when I say that this too will pass if you let it. I know it feels like there is a large stone in your heart and your stomach right now, but try try try to work on yourself and detach. I know that seems impossible, but it is possible. Every day, even several times a day, take a deep breathe and pray to your HP for peace. Look at yourself in the mirror (even if you look bad from all the crying!) and say "I am a good, kind, and beautiful person and I deserve the best in life!!" And BELIEVE IT!! Never ever settle for being second best, because when you are with an addict, that is what you are.
Here is a big ((HUG)))) and a prayer for you, my dear. Please let us know how you feel.
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