Don't know for sure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Brunei South East Asia
Posts: 3
Don't know for sure
Hey everybody,
I am new to this forum, found it through google.
I have a problem and I need help and advice hope you can give some.
This will be a long story, hope you want to read it through.
I am working here in Brunei but originate from Europe. At my work place I met a girl and I am really crazy about her. She is a moslim girl but don't act like one. Her story (confirmed) is that she lost her husband a year ago and she was diagnosed with leukemia end of last year, she also has a heart problem. These are facts and are confirmed by others and me.
Now the mistery starts;
We went out for lunch and a few times more and she told me after a couple of dates that she loves me. Actually I do love her also. We start talking and she told me some stories that scared me. First of all she is the black sheep of the family, get beaten up by her parents, sister and brothers. She says it is because of her behavior and friends. I asked, what kind of friends you have? Turns out she has a lot of friends who are drug users and drug trafficers. She regulary stay at their place because she got kicked out of the house or she is to scared to go home.I asked her do you use drugs and she denies it.
At first I believed her but after a month or so I get my doubts. I don't know why but there are too many things wrong.
She regulary skips work or stays away for a long time. She did visit the hospital a few times but does not want to go back for the second chemo treatment.
She is always out of money and, like said before, she stays with addicted men quite often. She also ask me for money a number of times and I gave it to her.
I read about symptoms regarding addicts but she definately does not look like one but I think she act like one. But the love part looks genuine.
Just to inform you, Brunei is a small country surrounded by Malaysia and a very strickt muslim country. Muslim people are not allowed to have any contact (kissing etc) before marriage. Everybody knows everybody here so when I start asking around about her everybody knows I have something with her and I can get into trouble. I have to be carefull when I ask around.
The common drug used here is Syabu which is methylamphetamine.
I do love this girl and I hope I am wrong about her.
Can you people give me advice in whatto do, what are specific symptons and some moral support.
I am not a native English speaker, so I appologise for any spell errors.
Thanks
I am new to this forum, found it through google.
I have a problem and I need help and advice hope you can give some.
This will be a long story, hope you want to read it through.
I am working here in Brunei but originate from Europe. At my work place I met a girl and I am really crazy about her. She is a moslim girl but don't act like one. Her story (confirmed) is that she lost her husband a year ago and she was diagnosed with leukemia end of last year, she also has a heart problem. These are facts and are confirmed by others and me.
Now the mistery starts;
We went out for lunch and a few times more and she told me after a couple of dates that she loves me. Actually I do love her also. We start talking and she told me some stories that scared me. First of all she is the black sheep of the family, get beaten up by her parents, sister and brothers. She says it is because of her behavior and friends. I asked, what kind of friends you have? Turns out she has a lot of friends who are drug users and drug trafficers. She regulary stay at their place because she got kicked out of the house or she is to scared to go home.I asked her do you use drugs and she denies it.
At first I believed her but after a month or so I get my doubts. I don't know why but there are too many things wrong.
She regulary skips work or stays away for a long time. She did visit the hospital a few times but does not want to go back for the second chemo treatment.
She is always out of money and, like said before, she stays with addicted men quite often. She also ask me for money a number of times and I gave it to her.
I read about symptoms regarding addicts but she definately does not look like one but I think she act like one. But the love part looks genuine.
Just to inform you, Brunei is a small country surrounded by Malaysia and a very strickt muslim country. Muslim people are not allowed to have any contact (kissing etc) before marriage. Everybody knows everybody here so when I start asking around about her everybody knows I have something with her and I can get into trouble. I have to be carefull when I ask around.
The common drug used here is Syabu which is methylamphetamine.
I do love this girl and I hope I am wrong about her.
Can you people give me advice in whatto do, what are specific symptons and some moral support.
I am not a native English speaker, so I appologise for any spell errors.
Thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome!
First, don't apologize for spelling...you are doing great. I wish I could do so well in another language.
I think that what you described does send some warning signs. I've found usually if my gut tells me something is not right, it isn't right.
Unfortunately, if she does have a problem with drugs, there is nothing you can do to cure or control it. I would suggest that "helping her" by giving her money or making excuses for her or other things, really ends up not helping. It just helps her to use more and not face the consequences of her actions.
Please keep reading the posts here and the information at the top of the first page about addiciton and our role in it and relationships with those we love who are addicted. I know you will learn alot and the people here are wonderful and caring.
First, don't apologize for spelling...you are doing great. I wish I could do so well in another language.
I think that what you described does send some warning signs. I've found usually if my gut tells me something is not right, it isn't right.
Unfortunately, if she does have a problem with drugs, there is nothing you can do to cure or control it. I would suggest that "helping her" by giving her money or making excuses for her or other things, really ends up not helping. It just helps her to use more and not face the consequences of her actions.
Please keep reading the posts here and the information at the top of the first page about addiciton and our role in it and relationships with those we love who are addicted. I know you will learn alot and the people here are wonderful and caring.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
so glad to meet you, welcome to sr. the addict in my life is my husband. i'm so glad you found us. there are a lot of caring and understanding people here who want to walk with you through all of this so please stick around, ask as many questions you want, we care. read the little stickies at the top of the forum page and some of the others stories, there is a lot of good and very helpful information here. it is recommended that you find and go to a few alanon and narnon meetings for family and friends, you can google and maybe find one in your area. they are very helpful too.
i honestly don't want to be the barer of bad news, but i will give you my opinion on what you are going through. i think that if all of what you said is going on, it highly likely that she is a user. this is probably the reason for her feeling like the black sheep of her family. addiction really effects all who is involved with the addict. read the stickie at the top. "WHAT ADDICTS DO". you'll find out that what you have described about your girfiend is so very common. we here have all been where you are, we all love addicts. we are all here to help each other.
there is not much you can do to help her, giving her money may not be the best thing either. she'll have to want to help herself. no matter what she tells you, you maybe helping her to buy her drugs. people don't usely stay with addicts and drug dealers unless they are using, especially when there is no biological relationship unless they are using too. she may love you but her drugs will come first.
here you'll learn how to protect yourself from the effect of her addiction. i first came here to find out how i could help my husband and found out that i couldn't and that it was me who need help. i don't know if i've help you any, but i sure don't mean to hurt you more, what i've said is just the way it is. i'm also a recovering addict and i do know a little about what may be going on with her. sorry. i'll keep both of you in my prayers. others will be around shortly so please stick around and read as much as you can, knowledge is power.
i honestly don't want to be the barer of bad news, but i will give you my opinion on what you are going through. i think that if all of what you said is going on, it highly likely that she is a user. this is probably the reason for her feeling like the black sheep of her family. addiction really effects all who is involved with the addict. read the stickie at the top. "WHAT ADDICTS DO". you'll find out that what you have described about your girfiend is so very common. we here have all been where you are, we all love addicts. we are all here to help each other.
there is not much you can do to help her, giving her money may not be the best thing either. she'll have to want to help herself. no matter what she tells you, you maybe helping her to buy her drugs. people don't usely stay with addicts and drug dealers unless they are using, especially when there is no biological relationship unless they are using too. she may love you but her drugs will come first.
here you'll learn how to protect yourself from the effect of her addiction. i first came here to find out how i could help my husband and found out that i couldn't and that it was me who need help. i don't know if i've help you any, but i sure don't mean to hurt you more, what i've said is just the way it is. i'm also a recovering addict and i do know a little about what may be going on with her. sorry. i'll keep both of you in my prayers. others will be around shortly so please stick around and read as much as you can, knowledge is power.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Addicts don't always look like what you think they should. If an addict has enough money and is well fed, etc. they can look quite normal. So don't go on appearances. If you had met my daughter up until the last few months, I am sure that you would not have known that she is an addict except she probably would have asked you for money too. So be very careful about judging from appearances. This can get you in big trouble. As the others have said, it is the behavior that is what you should be looking at. Please watch yourself and maybe reconsider before you get in any deeper. Life with an addict is not a pleasant experience. That being said it is your choice and I wish you the best. Hugs, Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Brunei South East Asia
Posts: 3
Thanks!
I will try to find out what is the situation with her.
I do love her so she deserves a second chance, which means I have to find out first before I let her go.
Please keep giving advise and I will keepyou updated.
I will try to find out what is the situation with her.
I do love her so she deserves a second chance, which means I have to find out first before I let her go.
Please keep giving advise and I will keepyou updated.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
hi and welcome
if you read often you will soon find that this website can save you. It will give you the tools to know what you need to do it keep you safe and at peace with your decisions. Everyone here has been touched by addiction in similar or very different ways, but in the end addiction is addiction and it doesn't discriminate, it will reach ayone anywhere without warning sometimes.
be very careful what you get into.
I will be thinking of you!
if you read often you will soon find that this website can save you. It will give you the tools to know what you need to do it keep you safe and at peace with your decisions. Everyone here has been touched by addiction in similar or very different ways, but in the end addiction is addiction and it doesn't discriminate, it will reach ayone anywhere without warning sometimes.
be very careful what you get into.
I will be thinking of you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 51
Hi Cit,
I can share with you some information that pertained to my daughter, who was on meth. She kept her drug problems hidden from me for about three years. Part of the time, she was living in the same house with me. Eventually, she couldn't hide it any longer.
She had similiar traits to your girlfriend. Her friends were addicts and dealers. She kept her appearances up, clothes, teeth, etc. She became very manipulative. No truth came out of her mouth. She would disappear at night and not show up till morning. She finally got caught in a theft ring by the law. She had been shooting up, but in her legs where it wasn't so noticeable. She had large bruises on her legs. When she would use, she would talk excessively, sometimes so fast I couldn't understand what she was saying. She wouldn't eat very much at all. During the days and nights when she was high, she slept very little. When she crashed, I couldn't even wake her up. A train could have passed over her body. I was so ignorant of drugs then, that I suspected it, but I, like you, wanted proof. Eventually, she started leaving a trail. I would find alcohol preps in the bathroom. Finally, I found her needles and meth in a tote bag in the laundry room.
She left to go live with other addict boyfriends on three or four different occasions. When things got bad, she would always want to move back home. She never wanted to recover till everyone stopped helping her. After her children were taken from her, she was out of the streets for a while, and she was on probation, she finally decided it was time to turn her life around.
She is doing better now, but the drugs have changed her. She has lost her short-term memory. She still has addict ways, and she is suffering from depression. I don't see her very often, but I am hoping that somedoy, we will once again be friends.
If you suspect this girl is on drugs, she probably is. Why else would all her friends be addicts? I had asked the same question. Addicts create their own families. They are devoted only to preserving their addiction. It is my observation that when they are around clean people, it is only to use them. My daughter needed me for food and shelter. It wasn't until she lost all her enablers and her children, that she wanted to turn her life around. Unfortunately, she still clings to some of those so-called friends. For a long time, she would say no one else would have anything to do with her.
I have been involved with an addict boyfriend for over a year now. I can tell you, he has drained me dry. It has been the same story, second verse. I have a house, groceries, and a job. As long as I allow it, he will keep coming back when he is tired and hungry. Life has been a living hell, with me trying to protect myself and set boundaries. It has certainly been an expensive and devastating learning experience.
If you need proof, spring a drug test on her. If she refuses, then she is probably using. My daughter would never agree to a drug test or to seek help. It's a sure sign that if the family doesn't have anything to do with them, then there has to be a reason. My boyfriend's mother won't even allow him to come for a visit. Too many lies and too much deceit. You would think I would have learned from my first experience. For those of us who are drug-free, we are too trusting and caring.
I can share with you some information that pertained to my daughter, who was on meth. She kept her drug problems hidden from me for about three years. Part of the time, she was living in the same house with me. Eventually, she couldn't hide it any longer.
She had similiar traits to your girlfriend. Her friends were addicts and dealers. She kept her appearances up, clothes, teeth, etc. She became very manipulative. No truth came out of her mouth. She would disappear at night and not show up till morning. She finally got caught in a theft ring by the law. She had been shooting up, but in her legs where it wasn't so noticeable. She had large bruises on her legs. When she would use, she would talk excessively, sometimes so fast I couldn't understand what she was saying. She wouldn't eat very much at all. During the days and nights when she was high, she slept very little. When she crashed, I couldn't even wake her up. A train could have passed over her body. I was so ignorant of drugs then, that I suspected it, but I, like you, wanted proof. Eventually, she started leaving a trail. I would find alcohol preps in the bathroom. Finally, I found her needles and meth in a tote bag in the laundry room.
She left to go live with other addict boyfriends on three or four different occasions. When things got bad, she would always want to move back home. She never wanted to recover till everyone stopped helping her. After her children were taken from her, she was out of the streets for a while, and she was on probation, she finally decided it was time to turn her life around.
She is doing better now, but the drugs have changed her. She has lost her short-term memory. She still has addict ways, and she is suffering from depression. I don't see her very often, but I am hoping that somedoy, we will once again be friends.
If you suspect this girl is on drugs, she probably is. Why else would all her friends be addicts? I had asked the same question. Addicts create their own families. They are devoted only to preserving their addiction. It is my observation that when they are around clean people, it is only to use them. My daughter needed me for food and shelter. It wasn't until she lost all her enablers and her children, that she wanted to turn her life around. Unfortunately, she still clings to some of those so-called friends. For a long time, she would say no one else would have anything to do with her.
I have been involved with an addict boyfriend for over a year now. I can tell you, he has drained me dry. It has been the same story, second verse. I have a house, groceries, and a job. As long as I allow it, he will keep coming back when he is tired and hungry. Life has been a living hell, with me trying to protect myself and set boundaries. It has certainly been an expensive and devastating learning experience.
If you need proof, spring a drug test on her. If she refuses, then she is probably using. My daughter would never agree to a drug test or to seek help. It's a sure sign that if the family doesn't have anything to do with them, then there has to be a reason. My boyfriend's mother won't even allow him to come for a visit. Too many lies and too much deceit. You would think I would have learned from my first experience. For those of us who are drug-free, we are too trusting and caring.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
hi there!!
welcome here,,
bythe way my spelling is not so good haha,, so dont feel bad
its good you found this place ,, youyll get here lots of support and help and u can write here all u think inur head it helps alot!! im sory or all ur pain.
i now alot about middle east culture. thereason her family beats here is their belive a woman should to stay at home till she marries,, has to stay avirgin and stuff like this. they will never accept hera s afull now after her lifestyle. and her male members of the family might go after u to save the honur of the family so be very carefull,, people gosipp,, peopel might be watching u. as u said.
iknow its really cruel but thisis the tradittion. for muslims.
i think if u suspect something than its probbaly is true,
especially when iu see things. ihope she will get better,, and get some help, maybe she can get to rehab.
i cant save her unless she wants to get saved.its very
long road and she need to want to do it.
maybe talk to her and confront her about ur worries. i hope she will wanttoget help. but first of alltake care ofurself.
GOD bless u be strong and everything will be ok
welcome here,,
bythe way my spelling is not so good haha,, so dont feel bad
its good you found this place ,, youyll get here lots of support and help and u can write here all u think inur head it helps alot!! im sory or all ur pain.
i now alot about middle east culture. thereason her family beats here is their belive a woman should to stay at home till she marries,, has to stay avirgin and stuff like this. they will never accept hera s afull now after her lifestyle. and her male members of the family might go after u to save the honur of the family so be very carefull,, people gosipp,, peopel might be watching u. as u said.
iknow its really cruel but thisis the tradittion. for muslims.
i think if u suspect something than its probbaly is true,
especially when iu see things. ihope she will get better,, and get some help, maybe she can get to rehab.
i cant save her unless she wants to get saved.its very
long road and she need to want to do it.
maybe talk to her and confront her about ur worries. i hope she will wanttoget help. but first of alltake care ofurself.
GOD bless u be strong and everything will be ok
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
your story is a sad one.i am sorry she is sick.i am happy she has a friend in you but i hope u are careful there. i do not know yours ways (country). if you think she is using then she probley is. read the stickys at the top of the main page(forum).i will say a prayer for both of you.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by cit51 
I read about symptoms regarding addicts but she definately does not look like one but I think she act like one.
I would have to say that if you feel like something is wrong, that she is using, then she probably is. I would say it is a huge red flag that she spends so much time around addicts. I can't imagine why a clean person would want to do that.
Stick around and read and post. We are all here for each other!
(((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Brunei South East Asia
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone for the support,
I confronted her two days ago regarding drug use and and other things and she got real sad.
She denied that she was using.
Yesterday we had lunch and there she admitted that 10 years ago she used cocaine. The way she used it was through smoking or something. She said she is clean now for 10 years. I asked her how she got clean and she said that after use everything started to hurt like crazy and then she decided to stop.
She also said that she is no longer hanging out with those friends because she was warned by the head of security from our company, that the police was watching her.
I made my own little rules for her and myself.
i told her that she will not get any money from me and she agrees on that. Maybe about $10 for a tank of gas but that is it. (Overhere you can fill up for les then $20 US)
I, for my own peace, will not worry anymore where she is. I checked a few times before and actually she was where she said she was.
I will not think she is sleeping around with everybody. Did that and got in a fight with her. Also those thoughts can make you insane.
Hopefully this will give me more peace and will see how it develops from there.
I still do ask around very carefully, making sure not to show that we have something.
Regarding the remark about moslim family honour, I think her family will be on guard about her but hearing her history, they will not be so worried about me I hope.
Thanks
I confronted her two days ago regarding drug use and and other things and she got real sad.
She denied that she was using.
Yesterday we had lunch and there she admitted that 10 years ago she used cocaine. The way she used it was through smoking or something. She said she is clean now for 10 years. I asked her how she got clean and she said that after use everything started to hurt like crazy and then she decided to stop.
She also said that she is no longer hanging out with those friends because she was warned by the head of security from our company, that the police was watching her.
I made my own little rules for her and myself.
i told her that she will not get any money from me and she agrees on that. Maybe about $10 for a tank of gas but that is it. (Overhere you can fill up for les then $20 US)
I, for my own peace, will not worry anymore where she is. I checked a few times before and actually she was where she said she was.
I will not think she is sleeping around with everybody. Did that and got in a fight with her. Also those thoughts can make you insane.
Hopefully this will give me more peace and will see how it develops from there.
I still do ask around very carefully, making sure not to show that we have something.
Regarding the remark about moslim family honour, I think her family will be on guard about her but hearing her history, they will not be so worried about me I hope.
Thanks
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