RAD is a bit miffed
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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RAD is a bit miffed
My RAD is a bit upset cuz I took away her housekey. She had one to do laundry. Her stepsisters had keys too when they first got their first apartments so they could save some $$ on laundry & not have to sit at a laundrymat all day. When RAD got her apartment she had about four months clean. She made it to 7 months clean then relapsed. The whole time she had a key I used to worry that her or some of the kids I didn't know from the halfway house might be tempted to take something.
I could feel she was relapsing & even spoke to my counsler about being uncomfortable with her having a key. Then a few days later AD admited she relapsed & arranged for detox on her own. I eneded up with her car key while she was in detox & I took my housekey off it. She seemed bumed but handled it ok. She is now 34 days clean. She has a girl that she was in in pt with last spring staying with her right now. I just adore the girl (she has been in jail) She is the cutest thing. But she too is an addict.
My RAD just started working full time this monday, & is only provided 2 tops. She does not have the option to get more. I bought her 2 cheap pair of pants at Fashon Bug & a pair of non slip shoes that were required. She is very, very upset that I won't give her a key back right now. I told her she needs more clean time behind her. She said she feel like I won't trust her, even though she has been working hard to straighten out her life. I would just love to hand her a key. But I know I shouldn't. She only stole from us once & fessed up before we knew she had done it. I can't believe I just said that, "she only stole from us once" God I sound like such a douche. It's hard to say no when you know they are trying. I won't cave in, I won't cave in ...
I could feel she was relapsing & even spoke to my counsler about being uncomfortable with her having a key. Then a few days later AD admited she relapsed & arranged for detox on her own. I eneded up with her car key while she was in detox & I took my housekey off it. She seemed bumed but handled it ok. She is now 34 days clean. She has a girl that she was in in pt with last spring staying with her right now. I just adore the girl (she has been in jail) She is the cutest thing. But she too is an addict.
My RAD just started working full time this monday, & is only provided 2 tops. She does not have the option to get more. I bought her 2 cheap pair of pants at Fashon Bug & a pair of non slip shoes that were required. She is very, very upset that I won't give her a key back right now. I told her she needs more clean time behind her. She said she feel like I won't trust her, even though she has been working hard to straighten out her life. I would just love to hand her a key. But I know I shouldn't. She only stole from us once & fessed up before we knew she had done it. I can't believe I just said that, "she only stole from us once" God I sound like such a douche. It's hard to say no when you know they are trying. I won't cave in, I won't cave in ...
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
give yourself a break, she should understand and if she doesn't oh well(sorry if that sounded harsh it didn't come out of my mouth harsh) but really, if shes clean then she realizes the crap she did and should respect your decision of holding back the key, its not like your telling her she can't do her laundry.
deep breath,,,,,,ahhhh doesn't that feel better
deep breath,,,,,,ahhhh doesn't that feel better
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
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(((helpus)))
I had a similar experience with my daughter. When she moved out with 8 months clean, we actually had the locks changed. We talked about this with her therapist. Since she stole so much from us (me, stepdad and younger sister) I told her that I had no choice. Another thing I told her was that this was protecting her as well. If something turned up missing from our house (whether we misplaced it or whatever), she would not be blamed. Otherwise if she still had a key, she would be the first person we would suspect. She seemed to accept this idea. She will probably never have a key to our home again. This is just part of me and MY recovery. I deserve choose who has a key to MY house and who doesn't get a key. For today, I choose that she does not have a key.
Hugs
Terri
I had a similar experience with my daughter. When she moved out with 8 months clean, we actually had the locks changed. We talked about this with her therapist. Since she stole so much from us (me, stepdad and younger sister) I told her that I had no choice. Another thing I told her was that this was protecting her as well. If something turned up missing from our house (whether we misplaced it or whatever), she would not be blamed. Otherwise if she still had a key, she would be the first person we would suspect. She seemed to accept this idea. She will probably never have a key to our home again. This is just part of me and MY recovery. I deserve choose who has a key to MY house and who doesn't get a key. For today, I choose that she does not have a key.
Hugs
Terri
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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You're doing what is right for you despite how much it hurts that she's not happy. That takes a lot of strength...good for you!! It sounds as if the key has been weighing on your mind for quite awhile. I think giving in to her would be turning your back on your own discomfort.
When I was her age and waitressed while going to school (of course I walked barefoot 5 miles uphill both ways in the snow to school,lol) I had 2 uniforms and 5 shifts. I learned to make it a nightly routine to throw the one I wore that day in the sink and hang it to dry while I wore the dry one the next shift. It was a pain, but the world didn't come to an end. I'm saying this tongue in cheek, but I know for me, I always struggled over the slightest discomfort my kids might have. heaven forbid they had to walk a couple of miles...you would have thought they were crossing the Sahara, but I was the one responsible for their softness since I never said no. Actually, they didn't even have to ask...I just made their lives comfie cozy always because I could and somehow I associated that with how good a mom I was. I didn't have much in my college years and couldn't (or didn't want to ) ask my parents for help, yet somehow not only did I make it, I had some of my fondest memories duing those times.
Hang in there Helpus, you are doing awesome!!
Hugs and prayers.
When I was her age and waitressed while going to school (of course I walked barefoot 5 miles uphill both ways in the snow to school,lol) I had 2 uniforms and 5 shifts. I learned to make it a nightly routine to throw the one I wore that day in the sink and hang it to dry while I wore the dry one the next shift. It was a pain, but the world didn't come to an end. I'm saying this tongue in cheek, but I know for me, I always struggled over the slightest discomfort my kids might have. heaven forbid they had to walk a couple of miles...you would have thought they were crossing the Sahara, but I was the one responsible for their softness since I never said no. Actually, they didn't even have to ask...I just made their lives comfie cozy always because I could and somehow I associated that with how good a mom I was. I didn't have much in my college years and couldn't (or didn't want to ) ask my parents for help, yet somehow not only did I make it, I had some of my fondest memories duing those times.
Hang in there Helpus, you are doing awesome!!
Hugs and prayers.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I can understand her being upset, but can she understand you being upset?
Life isn't always fair, I'm sure you learned that the day you found out she was hooked on drugs.....
So you had to wait.... for her to be ready.....
Hmmm, now the tables are turned....
She has to be wait for you to be ready.
So be it.....
~Miss Done~
;-)
Life isn't always fair, I'm sure you learned that the day you found out she was hooked on drugs.....
So you had to wait.... for her to be ready.....
Hmmm, now the tables are turned....
She has to be wait for you to be ready.
So be it.....
~Miss Done~
;-)
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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So you had to wait.... for her to be ready.....
Hmmm, now the tables are turned....
She has to wait for you to be ready.
So be it.....
Hmmm, now the tables are turned....
She has to wait for you to be ready.
So be it.....
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree, call me mean if you want, none of my 7 children have keys to my home, they are working adults, i will allow them to wash clothes if i want to and for no other reason and as far as i know, they are not addicts and have never stole from me. now the addict in my life is my husband, he's stole everything but the kitchen sink over the yrs, he's home here with us now, been sober for 3+ months now, and i don't remember the last time he had a key, . its been a lot of yrs, even though he lives here for now, no i don't feel guilty and if i'm mean then i'm mean, i call it being safe before sorry.
my opinion, she maynot need a key to wash clothes, can she wait until you are available? kids get mad anyway sometimes when they can't have their way. i'm mom, don't have to be best friend all the time. i'll still be right here when they get tired of being mad. is this so wrong, even if i am, they seem ok with our arraingement, can't get none of them to go home at a decent hr.
my opinion, she maynot need a key to wash clothes, can she wait until you are available? kids get mad anyway sometimes when they can't have their way. i'm mom, don't have to be best friend all the time. i'll still be right here when they get tired of being mad. is this so wrong, even if i am, they seem ok with our arraingement, can't get none of them to go home at a decent hr.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
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ihop eyour d will be better soon!!
i think she has to respect your fears and wait alittle. maybe sh can come over when u suprvise her fro now if u think she might take somthing so i think teke is right,
GOd bless u
i think she has to respect your fears and wait alittle. maybe sh can come over when u suprvise her fro now if u think she might take somthing so i think teke is right,
GOd bless u
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
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When I was first on my own I actually loved doing my own wash. It made me feel independent and although I could wash at my parents anytime I wanted I chose to do it on my own because I loved those water extractor thingies they had at the Laundromat. My daughter has never had a key to our house, not even before addiction. I figure the only reason to come here is to visit us so if we are not home then she does not need to be here. I love what Miss Done said and totally agree that it is your right to not give your daughter a key. Don't feel guilty. It is your home, bought and paid for by you and just as she has a right to not give you a key to her apartment you have a right to not give her a key to your home. You are all adults, right. Hugs, Marle
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Done, Can I borrow your words of wisdom? Definitly a keeper. I told RAD that she can come over anytime we're there. But I have been working a ton. She ends up working when I'm home. I think I over think my desisions sometimes when she plays the I'm trying so hard card.
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"God I sound like such a douche." -helpus 
Your sound way too much like me. lol
"He only robbed the house once." ugggggh!
I have to agree with Done. That was a great way to put it, btw, Miss Done.
I know it's hard, believe me. She'll just have to do her laundry while your at home and it's convenient for you.
Stay strong and don't be bullied, sweetie. Your in my thoughts and prayers.
(((helpus)))
Your sound way too much like me. lol
"He only robbed the house once." ugggggh!
I have to agree with Done. That was a great way to put it, btw, Miss Done.
I know it's hard, believe me. She'll just have to do her laundry while your at home and it's convenient for you.
Stay strong and don't be bullied, sweetie. Your in my thoughts and prayers.
(((helpus)))
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Nope i was not a thief....I'm an addict.
I didn't need to steal to support my habits, i had a great job
and was a workaholic too. That why it took me forever to
accept that i was an addict.
Never that less
I didn't get keys until years later. But i lost it.lmao
hey, I'll even get asked to baby sit the house every so often now.
Not so much the stealing but the wild parties.lol
heck no... I still don't trust addicts in my home. Especailly in earily recovery.
I've lost too many property.
I didn't need to steal to support my habits, i had a great job
and was a workaholic too. That why it took me forever to
accept that i was an addict.
Never that less
I didn't get keys until years later. But i lost it.lmao
hey, I'll even get asked to baby sit the house every so often now.
Not so much the stealing but the wild parties.lol
heck no... I still don't trust addicts in my home. Especailly in earily recovery.
I've lost too many property.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by helpus 
Done, Can I borrow your words of wisdom? Definitly a keeper. I told RAD that she can come over anytime we're there. But I have been working a ton. She ends up working when I'm home. I think I over think my desisions sometimes when she plays the I'm trying so hard card.
LOL~ Of course you can.... I overthink my decisions also... You a Pisces by chance?
You have a right to your feelings, just like she does, don't forget that, No matter how hard she's trying... ;-)
With time, IF, she plays her "cards" right, I'm sure she'll earn your trust
back.... Until then, setting your own boundaries is healthy for both of you.
Your also teaching her to do the same thing.
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Wow, Done, that is another great thing you just said about boundaries. I know that I did my daughter a disservice as she was growing up because I did not set boundaries with her and consequently she is not good at setting boundaries with people in her life. I am going to remember both things that you said today because they both are key to living a good life despite addiction. Thanks, Marle
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