Can Anyone Relate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Can Anyone Relate
I'm doing a lot better in a lot of areas. But in the last few months my physical health has gone downhill. Many years ago, I had knee problems. But I have always worked around them. I had back surgery several years ago & determined it wouldn't keep me down. I knew my ex since he was 11 & I was 19. He knew about the knee problems. He knew all the pain I went through. And he knew the pain I was living in with an alcoholic. He always made me happy & he knew just what to do to make me laugh. And he grew into a wonderful, caring, young man. I left & didn't see him for 16 years. (There was a time when he was 15, that I could have ended the abuse in his home, but I didn't.) For years I did everything I could to hide my disabilities. And I did pretty well. Then my ex walked back into my life & we were so much in love, that all the physical pain went out the window. Again he was the ONLY person who ever took care of me. We shared all the housework & cooking. He did the laundry. He wouldn't let me walk steps with a basket. He rushed me to the hospital when I had "female" problems. And sat by my side. He was truly my best friend, my partner & my lover. I've never felt more comfortable, more right with anybody else. We've had 2 relationships in our life.....when he was young I was more like a "BIG" sister. Then I later was his "significant other".
I know I've lost him to crack. I know that most likely I'll never see him again. But it hurts on more than 1 level. I've lost the ONLY person (that includes parents & children) that really, truly cared. I watched a wonderful young man choose to destroy his life & then I walked away. We got a second chance from God & then I watched him turn into a monster from one of the most caring, loving, generous men I've ever known. He'd see a person on the side of the road & stop to see if he could help. He's fixed many tires. He made me feel safe. He made me feel loved.
Yes, he did some terrible things. But inside, I know there is still a glimmer of the man I knew.
Bottom line here is, that I was doing pretty good moving on & dealing with things. In the last month or 2 my physical pain has tripled. And more of my body is deteriorating. So, I'm dealing with both physical & emotional pain & NOBODY who wants to listen. Nobody I can talk to.
Has anybody out there dealt with what I am dealing with?? It's VERY hard to deal with both. And there are days I don't want to do this anymore. My shrink helped me develop a plan to deal with the "emotions". We talked about what to do when a "bad" memory crosses my mind. But we never talked about the "good" memories. And I find that the worse I feel physically, the more I miss him. And remember all the good things in our life. And the BIG void that is left. I've tried to tell my family how I feel, but they don't get it. My shrink told me to reach out & look for support.
So, I'm reaching.
I know I've lost him to crack. I know that most likely I'll never see him again. But it hurts on more than 1 level. I've lost the ONLY person (that includes parents & children) that really, truly cared. I watched a wonderful young man choose to destroy his life & then I walked away. We got a second chance from God & then I watched him turn into a monster from one of the most caring, loving, generous men I've ever known. He'd see a person on the side of the road & stop to see if he could help. He's fixed many tires. He made me feel safe. He made me feel loved.
Yes, he did some terrible things. But inside, I know there is still a glimmer of the man I knew.
Bottom line here is, that I was doing pretty good moving on & dealing with things. In the last month or 2 my physical pain has tripled. And more of my body is deteriorating. So, I'm dealing with both physical & emotional pain & NOBODY who wants to listen. Nobody I can talk to.
Has anybody out there dealt with what I am dealing with?? It's VERY hard to deal with both. And there are days I don't want to do this anymore. My shrink helped me develop a plan to deal with the "emotions". We talked about what to do when a "bad" memory crosses my mind. But we never talked about the "good" memories. And I find that the worse I feel physically, the more I miss him. And remember all the good things in our life. And the BIG void that is left. I've tried to tell my family how I feel, but they don't get it. My shrink told me to reach out & look for support.
So, I'm reaching.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
When we are in physical pain it is VERY HARD to not go back to the good memories and the wishing. I think it comes from being ill and really wanting someone to take care of us.
When I hurt physically, I also tend to get wrapped up in feeling quite emotional at times.
Being in pain or ill can really take the snap right out of anyone. I too have felt the "I just don't want to do this anymore" too..
Neither my X husband or My X ABF ever truly cared for me or loved me so I missed out on that.
When I was sick as much as I used to wish one of them were here to take care of me, neither of them ever really did.
Fact is, I was very ill and XABF actually told me to go away (it was not anything contagious). My cat was more comfort and showed more concern. I still have my cat. He is reliable and loyal.
So I do understand part of this and I want you to know I really do care. I also want you to know you are not alone.
(((Blackrose)))
When I hurt physically, I also tend to get wrapped up in feeling quite emotional at times.
Being in pain or ill can really take the snap right out of anyone. I too have felt the "I just don't want to do this anymore" too..
Neither my X husband or My X ABF ever truly cared for me or loved me so I missed out on that.
When I was sick as much as I used to wish one of them were here to take care of me, neither of them ever really did.
Fact is, I was very ill and XABF actually told me to go away (it was not anything contagious). My cat was more comfort and showed more concern. I still have my cat. He is reliable and loyal.
So I do understand part of this and I want you to know I really do care. I also want you to know you are not alone.
(((Blackrose)))
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi, I'm sorry you are in such emotional and physical pain. I haven't been where you are, but I can certainly understand pain...I think it is great that you are reaching out for support.
I've found that sometimes I have to just take memories...both good and bad, out in small pieces and limit my time thinking about them so I don't fall into sadness for too long. I visualize it like taking precious stones from a jewelry box...just one by one and holding them gently, examining them for a bit then putting them away. Bad times make me feel sad and good memories can feel good or can make me sad if I linger there too long sometimes.
I've also found that in the most trying times, it helps me to really focus on the just for today idea. And no matter how much is thrown my way, I work to find something each day to be grateful for. Gratitude has played an important part in helping me feel positive.
I know that when I have had prolonged injury, it is difficult not to feel discouraged and depressed. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your post does seem to reflect that idea that where we are emotionally can affect us postiviely or negatively physically. As you said, when times were good with your ex, your pain disappeared.
I've been trying to focus some of my recovery efforts on meditation and bits and pieces of various spiritual views that focus on the power of the mind to overcome incredibile physical and emotional pain. I'm pretty new to this...it's been sort of evolving (for me), but I do find it has made some amazing differences. Not all the time; I have a long journey ahead, but the good days definitely outweigh the bad and sometimes the good is a really awesome feeling of peace and serenity.
Sending hugs, prayers and postive thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.
I've found that sometimes I have to just take memories...both good and bad, out in small pieces and limit my time thinking about them so I don't fall into sadness for too long. I visualize it like taking precious stones from a jewelry box...just one by one and holding them gently, examining them for a bit then putting them away. Bad times make me feel sad and good memories can feel good or can make me sad if I linger there too long sometimes.
I've also found that in the most trying times, it helps me to really focus on the just for today idea. And no matter how much is thrown my way, I work to find something each day to be grateful for. Gratitude has played an important part in helping me feel positive.
I know that when I have had prolonged injury, it is difficult not to feel discouraged and depressed. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your post does seem to reflect that idea that where we are emotionally can affect us postiviely or negatively physically. As you said, when times were good with your ex, your pain disappeared.
I've been trying to focus some of my recovery efforts on meditation and bits and pieces of various spiritual views that focus on the power of the mind to overcome incredibile physical and emotional pain. I'm pretty new to this...it's been sort of evolving (for me), but I do find it has made some amazing differences. Not all the time; I have a long journey ahead, but the good days definitely outweigh the bad and sometimes the good is a really awesome feeling of peace and serenity.
Sending hugs, prayers and postive thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm so sorry your down in the dumps, and who wouldn't feel as you do with so much physical pain. I can't say I know exactly where your coming from but I too have physical problems, I have whats called pars defect, its a back fracture that I recieved probably while diving or gymnastics, but you don't feel th effects til you get older anyway my point here is my family is a very loving one but I think they are so used to me being in pain with my back that it's common place for them. I don't think they mean to be lacksadaisey about it but they are just so used to it. maybe this is the case with your family, not that it makes me feel better about the way they see it regarding me but it's better than thinking they don't care.
hope you feel alittle better tomorrow
hope you feel alittle better tomorrow
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: On this earth
Posts: 16
We are here
I cannot say that I know exactly what you are talking about or feeling. However, I know many people that have been right where you are. I also know that the stress that goes along with loving an addict exacerbates any and all physical pain we are feeling. Stress can rear it's ugly head in many ways and make the bad worse and the worse, well, worser.
You are feeling so many things right now. That I CAN identify with. You are missing what could have been. What was again and what is gone again. It is common for us to remember the happy times...and I do not think that it is a bad thing...it just is balancing that is hard.
I pray that you and your Dr. can have some "remedies" for you to fall back on when you are your saddest. Dr's have wonderful suggestions and techniques...it is just up to us to follow the "prescription".
May your HP watch over you and soon, when you can, do something NICE for you. Anything...take a bath, have a cup of tea, catch up on some reading...whatever it is, do something for YOU.
take care.
ss
You are feeling so many things right now. That I CAN identify with. You are missing what could have been. What was again and what is gone again. It is common for us to remember the happy times...and I do not think that it is a bad thing...it just is balancing that is hard.
I pray that you and your Dr. can have some "remedies" for you to fall back on when you are your saddest. Dr's have wonderful suggestions and techniques...it is just up to us to follow the "prescription".
May your HP watch over you and soon, when you can, do something NICE for you. Anything...take a bath, have a cup of tea, catch up on some reading...whatever it is, do something for YOU.
take care.
ss
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
I'm glad you are reaching out and can understand somewhat how you can invest so much of yourself in another person. That leaves us vulnerable and is one of the risks we take to enjoy all that life has to offer.
I think Greet has a good idea about limiting how much time you spend in any one emotion or area of thought. I found that if I can find ways to distract myself when things become overwhelming that I can deal with things better once the intense emotion passes. Reading, watching good movies or just sitting outside can help take my mind off of the sadness.
As long as I don't use this as a way to escape or avoid the issue it works for me.
When my mom died there were days or weeks at a time when I needed the pictures of here out on my shelf...and sometimes I just needed to clear them off and not look at them because I couldn't stop crying. Depending on my mood having them out or not triggered some deep anxieties.
You might not feel up to it right now, but maybe it would be a good idea to try going to some meetings. You can never replace what feel for your ex but there are caring people in a f2f situation who will understand you just like we do here on SR. Most of all, I hope you will try to be as kind and good to yourself as possible and I will pray for you to feel better in every way...emotionally and physically.
hugs,
cmc
ps
I forgot to add...that I have had health issues too and so has mr cmc...and everything seems or is more difficult when we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. (called HALT)
I'm glad you are reaching out and can understand somewhat how you can invest so much of yourself in another person. That leaves us vulnerable and is one of the risks we take to enjoy all that life has to offer.
I think Greet has a good idea about limiting how much time you spend in any one emotion or area of thought. I found that if I can find ways to distract myself when things become overwhelming that I can deal with things better once the intense emotion passes. Reading, watching good movies or just sitting outside can help take my mind off of the sadness.
As long as I don't use this as a way to escape or avoid the issue it works for me.
When my mom died there were days or weeks at a time when I needed the pictures of here out on my shelf...and sometimes I just needed to clear them off and not look at them because I couldn't stop crying. Depending on my mood having them out or not triggered some deep anxieties.
You might not feel up to it right now, but maybe it would be a good idea to try going to some meetings. You can never replace what feel for your ex but there are caring people in a f2f situation who will understand you just like we do here on SR. Most of all, I hope you will try to be as kind and good to yourself as possible and I will pray for you to feel better in every way...emotionally and physically.
hugs,
cmc
ps
I forgot to add...that I have had health issues too and so has mr cmc...and everything seems or is more difficult when we are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. (called HALT)
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i don't know if i can say that i know how you feel but i do know what its like to be physically and emotionally ill. i have a serious neck injury that requires surgery that i haven't opt to have done, and sometimes in a lot of pain. my injury was caused i think during a drug induced rage by my rah. i was left disabled, and not able to work. you and i have about the same age difference between our addicts but we have 7 kids together. i'm 53 and he's now 47. there have been times when he would have nothing to do with me or the kids, i wasn't able to work and he is the active addict and making good money that i can't make because of his addiction and me allowing him to stay with me long enough for him to hurt me. i felt betrayed, abandoned, mistreated, abused and a whole lot of different emotions, but i had to learn to except what was going on with me and learn how to move on.
even though i had strick dr's order not to do anything that would aggrevate my injury, i had to do what i had to do, cause i had small kids and no family to help. it was hard, the kids are older now, and i still have 2 at home, so its not as bad as it used to be, but my injury has gotten worse.
i know that you miss him but maybe if you could look back and think about why he's gone, and what difference would it make if he was back in your life. my rah is back in my life for now, with boundaries set that i have no problems sticking too, but we have been separated for most of the 21 yrs off and on since we've been married. i can share what works for me during the months and yrs that we've been apart.
the good times? i do all i can to change even those thoughts, they can cause just as much pain at times. i consciencely replace each thought of him with something positive, like someone earlier said. its hard to do, but keep trying to do it. the more you practice not allowing thoughts of him to invade your thoughts, the less they come to mind. i've been going through this for 21 yrs now. it does get better and you can learn to be at peace with him or without him, but it takes a lot of focusing on you and what you need to do to make your life easier.
sorry that this is so long, i pray that you feel better soon.
even though i had strick dr's order not to do anything that would aggrevate my injury, i had to do what i had to do, cause i had small kids and no family to help. it was hard, the kids are older now, and i still have 2 at home, so its not as bad as it used to be, but my injury has gotten worse.
i know that you miss him but maybe if you could look back and think about why he's gone, and what difference would it make if he was back in your life. my rah is back in my life for now, with boundaries set that i have no problems sticking too, but we have been separated for most of the 21 yrs off and on since we've been married. i can share what works for me during the months and yrs that we've been apart.
the good times? i do all i can to change even those thoughts, they can cause just as much pain at times. i consciencely replace each thought of him with something positive, like someone earlier said. its hard to do, but keep trying to do it. the more you practice not allowing thoughts of him to invade your thoughts, the less they come to mind. i've been going through this for 21 yrs now. it does get better and you can learn to be at peace with him or without him, but it takes a lot of focusing on you and what you need to do to make your life easier.
sorry that this is so long, i pray that you feel better soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
ithink emottional pain triggers physical pain and the other way.
we need to take care of ourselfs and take careofour soul mind and body.
nothing will work without the other things.
im amazed to reda evryone life stories. ilearn alot of hope and guidence from everyone here.
i hope youll feel betetr soon and that things iwll get better foryou,, stress is akiller of ourhealth. thats why its o important to find a way to realx. and keep ourself happy. iknow e cant be happy all the time , its imposible,, but lets alllook atthe good inllife and try to enjoy it!!amen
we need to take care of ourselfs and take careofour soul mind and body.
nothing will work without the other things.
im amazed to reda evryone life stories. ilearn alot of hope and guidence from everyone here.
i hope youll feel betetr soon and that things iwll get better foryou,, stress is akiller of ourhealth. thats why its o important to find a way to realx. and keep ourself happy. iknow e cant be happy all the time , its imposible,, but lets alllook atthe good inllife and try to enjoy it!!amen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
Another thing I am guilty of. I look at newspaper from PA, the court websites & when I think he's doing "great" (hasn't been arrested), I think he's in recovery, having a great life without me & that he was right....it was my fault. Of course, last year I thought he was doing great, but found out he lost 3 jobs, was arrested 5 times, went back to jail & is almost back out on the street. So, now it looks like he hasn't been arrested in 2 months, so I think he's cured....& I'm missing something.
My shrink told me to STOP looking. That reality IS....most likely NOTHING has changed & that I would know if it had. When things are going crappy in my own life, I look to see if there is any indication that he is in recovery & doing good. And I make all kinds of scenarios up when I don't see anything in the paper. (And I've been 100% wrong in those scenarios)
My shrink told me when I look or want to look...reach out.....
O.K. I looked today. I was reading all these posts about "why" the men we loved did what they did & it got to me. Sometimes I think I shouldn't read the posts & should do something else.
Lynne
My shrink told me to STOP looking. That reality IS....most likely NOTHING has changed & that I would know if it had. When things are going crappy in my own life, I look to see if there is any indication that he is in recovery & doing good. And I make all kinds of scenarios up when I don't see anything in the paper. (And I've been 100% wrong in those scenarios)
My shrink told me when I look or want to look...reach out.....
O.K. I looked today. I was reading all these posts about "why" the men we loved did what they did & it got to me. Sometimes I think I shouldn't read the posts & should do something else.
Lynne
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with your dr, try not to look, come here instead if you can't go to a meeting, might save you a lot of pain and you may just get to feeling a little better along the way. once he's in recovery, you'll probably be one of the first to know. while he's away, you do have time to get started on doing some of the things that you know to do to make your life better. then maybe you will be more prepared when he do get out. take care of you and allow him to do the same. if you want change in your life, you may have to be the one to do the changing. sorry, keeping you and yours in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Hi Blackrose,
I am Steph and I am an alcoholic and I have an ABF.
I feel for you. I know exactly what you are saying. My BF is like yours. Very caring and wonderful. He helps people all the time. He is popular and lovely and is almost completely impossible to live with. I don't blame him. I blame addiction.
He is not welcome if he is drunk. However, I use his help when he is sober. I enjoy his sober company when he chooses to be sober. Is your ex still willing to help you? Is he able to abide by rules you set for yourself? Are you strong enough to enforce your own rules so that you feel comfortable and safe? Please don't endanger your first sentence - you are doing well in so many areas. Protect that and stay here with your friends. Hugs.
I am Steph and I am an alcoholic and I have an ABF.
I feel for you. I know exactly what you are saying. My BF is like yours. Very caring and wonderful. He helps people all the time. He is popular and lovely and is almost completely impossible to live with. I don't blame him. I blame addiction.
He is not welcome if he is drunk. However, I use his help when he is sober. I enjoy his sober company when he chooses to be sober. Is your ex still willing to help you? Is he able to abide by rules you set for yourself? Are you strong enough to enforce your own rules so that you feel comfortable and safe? Please don't endanger your first sentence - you are doing well in so many areas. Protect that and stay here with your friends. Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I threw him out in July of 2005 (after 6 years of "this time will be different). In October of 2005 after him begging & begging to come home, I found out he was sleeping on an old gf's couch. (To get "even" with me) I moved back to AZ which I had left to be with him in 1997. I have heard from him 3 times in the time he's been gone. (Once because he didn't believe I'd move. Once to have his gf cuss me out for 2 hours. And in January of this year to tell him I was sorry his mother died.) In the time we've been apart....he has been arrested 5 times, lost 3 jobs, went to jail for 90 days & has driving this old gf as crazy as he did when he was with her 10 years ago. She's angry at me because I'm the one he talks about all the time. I'm the one his girls tell her that he loved. I'm a threat to her. And him......he says something nice & then she overhears the conversation & he starts calling me every rotten thing he can think of. When I called to offer condolences, we actually had a nice conversation until I heard the door slam & she came in. She started screaming & accusing him of talking to "women" again. And who was he "screwing" now.
Long story short.....in 1997 he was clean/sober 3 years & wanted to start a new life with the woman he'd loved since he was 16...me. In 2002 he relapsed & he's kept doing that & jail & coming home & on & on since.
He's the ONLY man I've ever loved. The ONLY man who ever truly made me happy. the ONLY man that was everything you could want in a great relationship. We used to joke that God gave us a second chance at life & love. I am obsessing over what this man is doing & not doing. He has NOT found recovery again. He abstains long enough to get out of trouble & then he's off & running. He is now trying the geographical cure. Part of me knows I will probably never see him again. The other part hopes that someday he finds what he had in 1997 & comes home.
My therapist & several people in recovery told me that I'll be one of the 1st to know if he ever finds REAL recovery again.....even if it is only to make amends. I've known this man 32 years & I know when he's doing well & I know from his voice when life "sucks". And he's NOT doing well at all.
Lynne
Long story short.....in 1997 he was clean/sober 3 years & wanted to start a new life with the woman he'd loved since he was 16...me. In 2002 he relapsed & he's kept doing that & jail & coming home & on & on since.
He's the ONLY man I've ever loved. The ONLY man who ever truly made me happy. the ONLY man that was everything you could want in a great relationship. We used to joke that God gave us a second chance at life & love. I am obsessing over what this man is doing & not doing. He has NOT found recovery again. He abstains long enough to get out of trouble & then he's off & running. He is now trying the geographical cure. Part of me knows I will probably never see him again. The other part hopes that someday he finds what he had in 1997 & comes home.
My therapist & several people in recovery told me that I'll be one of the 1st to know if he ever finds REAL recovery again.....even if it is only to make amends. I've known this man 32 years & I know when he's doing well & I know from his voice when life "sucks". And he's NOT doing well at all.
Lynne
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Lynne
I understand about all of the checking on him to see how he is doing. The addict in my life is my daughter. When I first came here to SR I was obsessive about knowing where she was and what she was doing. We had a GPS system on her car, we could check who and when she made telephone calls, I controlled all of her $$ etc. . . .
That was about 7 months ago. Since I have learned (very slow learner lol) that this type of action was not helping either me or her. Since then, I asked my husband to change the password on all of these tracking things so I could NOT look at them. I mean I was checking her car GPS at least every hour (while I was at work!) to see if she was going to class, meetings etc . . .
Sorry this is long, but I recently turned her life totally over to God. My therapist said the He couldn't do His work on her unless I let go of her completely! I know this may sound weird, but I am at so much peace now. I am not responsible for her. God is working on her, seems He can do this better without my help! Imagine that.
But, again, I am at peace now. I am going on with my life and it felt uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier everyday. I will pray for you and him to both. I know this must be so hard for you.
Hugs to you
Terri
I understand about all of the checking on him to see how he is doing. The addict in my life is my daughter. When I first came here to SR I was obsessive about knowing where she was and what she was doing. We had a GPS system on her car, we could check who and when she made telephone calls, I controlled all of her $$ etc. . . .
That was about 7 months ago. Since I have learned (very slow learner lol) that this type of action was not helping either me or her. Since then, I asked my husband to change the password on all of these tracking things so I could NOT look at them. I mean I was checking her car GPS at least every hour (while I was at work!) to see if she was going to class, meetings etc . . .
Sorry this is long, but I recently turned her life totally over to God. My therapist said the He couldn't do His work on her unless I let go of her completely! I know this may sound weird, but I am at so much peace now. I am not responsible for her. God is working on her, seems He can do this better without my help! Imagine that.
But, again, I am at peace now. I am going on with my life and it felt uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier everyday. I will pray for you and him to both. I know this must be so hard for you.
Hugs to you
Terri
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