Elana

I was just reading another thread here about early recovery and I suddenly realized that in all my 20 years being married and then with XABF the thing I have never seen EVER is a real attempt by the person I have loved to follow recovery.

My X husband was an alcoholic and he was in various rehabs but when he came out there was no committment to recover (he got in by going to the hospital and saying he was suicidal and they would keep him for awhile then ship him to rehab). I never suggested he try to go to rehab and I never tried to control his drinking and I never checked on him etc. I knew he was drinking and that was that. My problem was trying to run a dairy farm with a drunk which was a real challenge because I needed his labor input. I was nto a control freak with him.

XABF never had a "problem." I was unaware of his addiction until he was moving out 5 months ago. I did not try to control him either.

Just saying that the whole thing with living with an A who is fresh from Rehab and trying and how difficult it is never has touched me. I have never been an addict, so I can't see any of this from that side of the fence either.

I sure admire those of you who stick thru it. I truly do and I am recognizing how hard it must be to deal with an A in early recovery, the fear of relapse etc.

I have no insight other than to let you know I admire your strength.

teke

its really hard elana, and i definitely don't recommend it even though i am an addict. would wish this life on my worst enemy's dead puppy. sorry but its true for me.

greeteachday

One of the worst feelings i've experienced in my life is the one of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a constant state of fear and anxiety. I know that feeling was what brought me to recovery because I felt very sick...physically, emotionally and spiritually. I'm so grateful that working on me...working a program and all the great people here and in Naranon has helped me find the tools to find a way out of that desperate place.

Selah

It's very exhausting watching some relapse and go back into recovery and then want to with all your believe they mean it this time. and in fact sometimes they do mean it, when they say it of course. It's what they want, just can't find the means to make it happen. But it is hard to love someone and trust someones words when so many times they are truley empty....

Elana

I wish my X husband had been able to attain recovery.. he just had so many issues mentally.. he was truly mentally unstable and mentally ill.. that I don't think he was capable of truly accepting recovery and I really did keep my hands off. Heck.. my hands were full running 480 acres and over 140 head of cattle.. half of which had to milked twice a day.

He just never got recovery, tho he was xposed to it.

XABF never was xposed to it and "doesn't have a problem." He is the captain of a sinking ship and while it is sinking he just keeps pointing at the water running in and blaming it for the ship sinking instead of realizing he piloted his ship aground and he needs to save himself or he is going down with it. His actions are causing his misery.

I am thankful and grateful that I have been spared the waiting for the other shoe to drop.

However, in the same vein I wish every addict could find real recovery so that other shoe shoe never did drop. Those of you who have found recovery from addiction I have great respect for, and I have not always had that respect.
I respect what you have accomplished and that you are staying on Recovery Road.

teke

thanks elana, means a lot.

lightseeker

thank you for this post. Addiction is just an extremely painful disease. However, it is with being brought to my knees by it that I have finally turned to God and asked to live in his light. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but what I've received is his grace.

It was a real eye opener to discover how difficult it is to manuever through early recovery and even after the early part. I will never again be the same but then, I am only now beginning to realize how incredbily sick I was. I only thought "if he'd only get it". Now what I realize is that we both have to seek to "get it" every single day and or else it will go away sooner or later.

I've also come to accept that the issues within me need to be addressed every day whether my RAH is a part of my life or not. It's interesting, the me now would never tolerate the experiences that I did that got me to this place. Sort of a strange thing. But - it is what it is. I love the promises that come after the 10th step.....one is that you will not regret the past nor want to close the door on it. Doesn't say anything about wanting to go back there!

I'm grateful that things turned out for me and my RAH as they have but it certainly has been a ride. The more time that goes on I realize that I was the one that needed to make even more changes than he did. I have to work at my recovery a whole lot harder or else I go squirrelling in my head. Thank heavens for the rooms of recovery.

Thanks Elana......Donna

teke

elana, i just want to say that light said what i feel too. i found out that this whole journey was about me, when all along, i was looking at my rah, so i just could not see me for looking at him. someone told me once that, whenever i've got a finger pointed at him, i have 4 pointing to me. i found that to be so true. thanks to you and to light