Think I made A HUGE Mistake!

Old 03-23-2007, 03:40 PM
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Think I made A HUGE Mistake!

A little background - my RAH used coke for 2 years, went thru tons of our money, cheated on me, lost his job, got into and accident and got a DUI. But we stayed together - God I don't know why! I was done when he disappeared and he got into the accident, but he came home, I was going to change the locks that night, I took whatever money was left out of the bank during the day. But we stayed together.

We always talked about moving - well we did. From NJ to SC, had a house built that will be paid for, he is working at a job he loves, I don't have to work while our son is going to school.

I am sitting here now crying - I think I made a huge mistake coming down here. At one point he offered our house to me in NJ, he said I would be able to handle the payments, but I don't know why I kept giving him a chance. I always feel angry at him. While he was down here it was just me and my son and it was nice and peaceful. My RAH can be verbally abusive in my opinion. I am sick of being told to "shut up" I just think that is wrong. I said I would leave and go back to NJ and he said that I would be kidnapping our son.

I don't know why I am rambling, I guess I feel like I made such a big mistake, he used drugs and drunk for 2 years, missed our son's birthday and would disappear for days, but when I say I might want to go back, he said I would be kidnapping!

I know I can't go back, but I wish so much I just kicked him out when I had the chance, I was so stupid. Plus when I said about him being a drug addict for 2 years, he tells me I can't prove it.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 03-23-2007, 03:47 PM
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i feel your pain but i do not think you should bring up the past at all if he is clean & sober today. i do not know about the kidnapping thing but if you are sure you want out you need a plan.talk to a lawyer & go from there. i am sorry you are so unhappy. hugs,
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:14 PM
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Sounds like you are not happy, sometimes a relationship is just over, and, it has nothing to do with addiction. It is just over.

Kidnapping your son, that's quacking at it's finest, don't let him lay a guilt thing on you....do what will make you happy, and everything else will fall into place after that.

You have only one life, make it a good one.
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:30 PM
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i agree with dolly, i don't understand the kidnapping part. how can that be? is he still using and drinking, don't sound too much like he's in recovery.

my recovering addict husband would all tell me to prove what he was doing too, and i literally like to drove myself crazy tring to. thats a bunch of crap, if i ever heard any. try not to pay any attention to what he says, only what he does count.

my suggestion to you would be to stop and think about what you really want to do about the way youre being treated and work toward making your goals a reality. if you feel that its best to go home, then it is best to go home. your mistake would be to stay there and allow him to continue to mistreat you.

in my opinion, whats done is done, whats matters is what are you gonna do now. one of addicts main weapons is manipulations, try not to allow him to do that to you. time for you to look out for your own best interest. we're here to help walk you through this.

i've been right where you are at and i do understand. your life can get better with or without him but it depends on the decisions that you make from here. you can do this, and he'll try all he know to convince you that you can't, don't listen. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:37 PM
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Thank you for the replies.

No he isn't using and he can't with this new job. He knows words hurt me and he is very good at throwing the words around that will hurt me.

Sometimes I think it is me - maybe there has just been too much that happen in the past that I can't forgive him for it. I think he just expects me to start fresh and forget it. Maybe I should - or I just don't have it in me anymore to try.
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:44 PM
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If it doesn't sit right, it probably isn't right.
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:45 PM
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I am sorry you are hurting. It does hurt when the one we love talks down to us like that.
You will know what you need to do in time.
As for moving to SC, well, Truffles, I did it! I came here from NY. I love it here! No digging out of snow! No more Seasonal Affective Disorder!! Tee hee.
ANyway, I wish you the best.
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:52 PM
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sorry but still not a good excuse, he's hurt you and what you are feeling is normal for you to feel, you are entitled to your feelings. none of this is your fault, try not to take the blame, do what you know what you need to do. you deserve more than you are excepting. i know you love him and i know that its hard to do but you can do it.
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:08 PM
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Truffles, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Sometimes just because someone isn't using, it doesn't mean that they have lost their addictive traits, especially if there is no program...no attempt to explore ones' self and want to change. And sometimes, just because someone is clean it doesn't mean the person becomes nice.

I don't think there is any excuse for a partner to be emotionally abusive. Sometimes emotional abuse is just as painful as physical abuse. I've found I become most paralyzed when I believe I have no options. When I make up my mind to explore options and make a plan and to believe in myself and my higher power, I do move forward. I hope you can find the strength to want to change your situation. Please don't let his words paralyze you...you are a good person and mom and you deserve a wonderful life. Hugs and prayers
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:46 PM
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Truffles,

Oh, Gosh...I've made too many mistakes to count. I think we all have. But ya know what? You are not trapped. You are not. You can stay...you can go...but the bottom line is you can do whatever is best for you. Don't let him beat you down to the point that you think you can't.

You've had a taste of inner peace.
You can reclaim it. Its yours for the taking.

I'm honestly not advocating that you do one thing or another...only you know whats right for you. Just be true to yourself. Listen to that inner voice. You'll get where you are meant to be. You will!!

Don't beat yourself up.
Love yourself. Be gentle with yourself, okay?
You've got a whole bunch of us walking beside you...cheering you on.

Hugs...
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Old 03-23-2007, 10:14 PM
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im sorry for all the painu have!! i wantu to behappy!
i think everyone gave u so much good advice!!
ihope thing s iwll getbetter foru
and remeber!! we areall here for you!!
youre a strong person and u can get anywheru want inlife. be good toyourself and we love you!!
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Old 03-24-2007, 04:47 AM
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Thank you all so much - it really does make me feel better reading the replies and not thinking I am crazy or alone.

At times it seems like everything will be OK and then something happens, I know things can't be perfect and people argue but why always the name calling and stuff - I hate that.

You are all so wonderful -
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Old 03-24-2007, 05:40 AM
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Will he go to joint counseling with you if you want to keep trying? It sounds as if he has anger issues. Name calling is off limits and being told to shut up is just plain RUDE. When he is not angry have you asked him why he does this to you? Or are you afraid if you ask he will become violent?

If you move back to NJ and take your son it is not kidnapping as long as you keep the lines of communication open between him and his son.. talk to a lawyer on this one. If the relationship is over, then it is over and you have the right to leave it.
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Old 03-24-2007, 05:50 AM
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i agree with elana, in my opinion, i don't think that he will go through the trouble to follow through on any threats about kidnapping, i think that it may be a way for him to manipulate you in to staying while he continue his drug use, but thats only my opinion, you know him better than i do. i just know addicts and they sometimes would rather spend that kind of money on drugs, not lawyers.

i think that if he is telling you this and is trying to manipulate you into staying, it may be a good thing for the both of you if you wanted to go. maybe he could then hit a bottom, not that this should be your reason for leaving cause you can manipulate him into getting sober either. it has to be what you want to do and know to do for you, regardless of whether or not he choses to get sober. try to stay in the day and let tomorrow speak for itself. what do you need to do today for you and your son? keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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Old 03-24-2007, 02:20 PM
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Hi Truffles - great name!!

I am Steph and I am an alcoholic. I am sorry to hear of your troubles. I know from personal experience from both sides that the man you are with is not in recovery. I know this because he asked you to prove what he did to hurt you. This shows he still thinks he has power over his actions. My ABF does that and it is like being Alice in Wonderland. Insanity descends quite quickly!! lol

He is not using yet because he is trying to control his addiction so that he can keep a job. That is not the recipe for long term recovery. He will fail. There is no doubt about this I am sorry to say.

Listen to your heart and those wonderful instincts God has given you. As a Mum, I have learnt that ignoring my instincts drives me crazy very quickly.

IMHO you sound like the kidnapped one.

Stay close and let us know how you are getting on.
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Old 03-24-2007, 04:56 PM
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Also called "White Knuckle Sobriety". Is he working a program...or just NOT using. Earlier sobriety is tough, but it sounds like there is no change in his behavior. I agree that most likely when he can find a way to do it, he will start using again. We call it a geographic cure. And it usually doesn't work unless it's for the right reasons. That also could account for the anger. He WANTS to use. And he "can't". So he'll take it out on you. I think couples counseling sounds like a great idea, if he'll do it. Part of recovery is also making "amends". I don't hear amends there....I hear "get over it".

Lynne
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Old 03-24-2007, 06:47 PM
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It seems to me that you may think you are 'stuck' in this relationship now no matter what and can never change that. Try not to think that way. If you are really thinking you want to get out of it maybe you can't see a way out now, but there may be one in the future. I've been there too. Thought I was stuck and things could never change. Eventually they did. Don't let the things your husband says get to you. Do what is best for you and your son.
Good Luck!
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