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At last I said NO

Old 03-23-2007, 04:34 PM
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One day at a time...
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At last I said NO

Hey guy's,

ABF as you all know is in jail. Had nerve to call me begging to bail him out. HAHAHAHAHAHA I told him NOWAY. Call the crack dealer and the crackheads that you love to be with when you dont call me. Long story short he has been calling all day begging for forgiveness I'm sure evryone knows the drill. Even went as far as I'm going to kill myself please get me. I laughed and said oh come on now you think that is gonna make me come get you. I said unlike you I can make a choice for myself and the answer is NO, but if you do kill yourself I will call your Mom and family and write a really nice speech for you at your funeral. I said this is what I can do for you whether you like it or not. I will except your calls and write you letters and send you some money, but I will not get you out. When you get out I will be your friend. You need to take control of your life and overcome YOUR problem by yourself. You will not be allowed to come back home because you dont have a home. I tried to help you out in everyway I could and the addiction wins everytime and the end result for you is always the same. Gosh that felt so good to say and I say it everytime he calls me. I repeat it over and over again. Now he says I miss you and I want to see you please just think about it. I said well I know how that feels. I miss you too when your out being selfish and only thinking of yourself. He keeps telling me that he knows that I hate him. I told him I don't hate you I hate the addiction that is ruling your life. I also said I love you so much that is why I'm saying NO NO NO NO NO. I will not help you kill yourself and I love myself to much to allow your addiction to continue to hurt me. I feel so much better. However I did tell him that Our relationship is over. That I don't like the person he turned into. I said when you chase after your recovery the way you chase after the nexted fix maybe we can SLOWLY rebuild our realtionship. but I will always remain your friend.
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:53 PM
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your recovery is shining through. you did great.maybe he will get some help for himself..hugs, hope
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:15 PM
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Nicole,

Good for you for finally being your OWN champion, your OWN best friend, and doing what's right for you. You cannot love him into changing. But you can work on loving and protection yourself.

You're awesome!!!!

GL
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:15 PM
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i hope that this is his time, and he learn a valuable lesson. i think that you did good too. maybe now, he'll take time out to think about where his addiction is leading him. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:17 PM
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You get a gold star, recovery at it's finest.
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:24 PM
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I am impressed. Good for you!
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:25 PM
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Sounds right on to me. I have heard it said that the only thing a crack addict fears more than not being able to get their drug is being put in jail where they can't get their drug. Sounds like he is trying everything to manipulate you into getting him out and you are doing the right thing to leave him there. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-23-2007, 06:02 PM
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Way to go!
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Old 03-23-2007, 06:07 PM
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Kudos, for sticking to your guns. I assist families with interventions and one thing I always stress (15 times during a session) never make a consequence or ultimatum you can't keep.
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:33 PM
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woohoo for you girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:36 PM
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Hey Guy's first I want to say how much it means to me that everyone on here cares so much and takes time to post their thoughts. I have not had a good weekend at all. I keep trying to keep positive thoughts in my mind but it is very hard. ABF keeps calling from jail begging me to bail him out. It is actually pathetic to hear a grown man cry, & beg the way he is. I can hear the desperation in his voice and it is breaking my heart. He keeps saying how things are going to be different this time. You all know the sobbing sad stories they tell you when they have no control. I feel more stressed out than what I was when he was out smoking crack. I try to keep control of the conversation and remind him that this is his problem and that I will be here to support him after he deals with his choices. He keeps pleading that if I get him out he wil go into a recovery program and make his steps and ask God for his help. I again remind him that he had chances to do that but he chose not to work the program but now all of a sudden he wants to get serious. His situation now is he has lost his job his first car and ME. His Mother even said what is it going to take for him to realize that without hard work the end result will always be tha same for him. Having an addicition is very serious. It takes alot of hard work. ALL THE TIME. As soon as you let your guard down it starts calling your name. Bottom line I'm not getting him out. I don't care how it makes me feel. I feel terrible and miserable as it is. It can't get much worse. Now he says that if I get him out he can start recovery right away and get probabation instead of jail time. and that sitting in jail will not help him. Is that true? I have been talking to our friends most of them are recovering addicts and they say LEAVE HIM THERE!!!!! Do you guy's think that I'm doing the right thing? Or should I bail him out and just be done with him. Give hin freedom back and let him decide on what to do next?
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:51 PM
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I told him I don't hate you I hate the addiction that is ruling your life. I also said I love you so much that is why I'm saying NO NO NO NO NO. I will not help you kill yourself and I love myself to much to allow your addiction to continue to hurt me.

Ahh, Nicole, I'm so sorry it is a tough weekend. Please read what you wrote right here...It is recovery in a nut shell and doing the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for him. Keep saying no. He has to want this and work it and choose. You made a choice...a choice for your recovery. Only YOU could do that, just as only HE can choose recovery for himself.

Now he says that if I get him out he can start recovery right away and get probabation instead of jail time. and that sitting in jail will not help him. Is that true?

No it isn't...I'm afraid he is still manipulating you and your friends who tell you to leave him there are right. Rehab is not a cure...it is a place to get the tools to practice in recovery. But if an addict wants to recover he can find those tools anywhere; even in jail. Does the jail allow packages to be mailed from publishers? If so, maybe you could mail him some NA literature (soft cover is my suggestion...I learned the hard way that a jail may not allow hard cover books) Most jails offer meetings too and there are certainly people there working a program who would speak with him and help him along. And honestly, I believe anywhere that he is safe and away fromt he drugs for awhile is a better place to be.

His choices and actions lead to this arrest. IMO, if you bail him out, the chances are he may just keep doing what he was doing and you will be heartbroken and without the bail money. Please let him face the consequences of his actions and not have a soft landing paid for by Nicole that may very well send him right back out.

One other suggestion...You are very sweet to take his calls, but he is just making you sad and manipulating you. Perhaps you could tell him that if he does not stop with the begging and manipulation you will not accept the calls? I hate to see you hurting so.

Hugs and prayers.
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Old 03-25-2007, 02:33 PM
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Nicole,

I'm so sorry you're having a bad weekend.

He obviously remembers all the other "chances" you gave him and thinks that if he cries and begs you will give him another. Once again, his needs & priorities are more important than yours (to him anyway)

I agree with Greet that there is EVERY chance that things won't change one little bit if you bail him out. Addicts are master manipulators, and his only priority right now is getting out of jail and getting to his drug. He will say and do anything he feels will work. Anything.

Take care of yourself. You have done the right thing by forcing him to take responsibility for himself -- he's a grown man, for heaven's sake!! Let him work this out himself. He can start his own program while he's in jail, and start establishing a nice relationship with his Higher Power. You have no role in that.

Consider not taking those phone calls, Nicole. There is only one reason he's making them: to force you to help him by any means necessary, no matter how much pain it causes you.

Love and hugs,
GL
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Old 03-25-2007, 04:32 PM
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Thank you. I feel very comfortable with my decision. I'm leaving him in there to fiqure things out for himself. I told him the las time I talked to him that if he keeps begging me to get him out I will not accept calls from him anymore. This is very tough to do. I hope that there will be a day that he understands why I'm doing this. You guy's are right. He is a master manipulater. He can plays my emotions like guitar strings. It is upseting to know that addicts are sooooooo selfish, but yet tells me how much he loves and cares for me. I'm sure to some degree he does love me, the only way he knows how to. The positive side to this is at least he is in there and away from the drugs and has lots of time to think about how much damage he has done this time. I really need to start working on myself because this has really put a toll on my emotions and mind. I stilll sit here and ask myself how did I get into this situation? Everyone tThanks for being here. One of the best things I have done with all of this mess is find SR.
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Old 03-25-2007, 04:53 PM
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Hi Nicole - so difficult isn't! I commend you for your strong spirit - it's wonderful to have SR to encourage us. I'm a Mom of an AD and need to read success stories and of course I recognize the codie in me and relate to everyone's pain too. Look after yourself Nicole you are young and it is difficult being alone but you get to know yourself better that way. (((HUGS)))
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Old 03-25-2007, 04:54 PM
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Stick to your guns, he got himself into this mess, and, it is up to him to get himself out...this is called being a responsible adult, a venue that an addict does not grasp.

He is trying to manipulate you, they all do...they cry horse size tears, then they get out and go about their business...the business of scoring drugs...until, they fall to their knees and decide to seek recovery, for them, not you, not anyone else but them.

He loves you I am sure, but, he loves drugs more...do you want to spend the rest of your life in the back seat of the car, or, do you want to drive it? That is the question...only you know the answer.

As for accepting calls, what's the point? Why do you accept them?

Why you got into the situation, I do not know, yet I do know there is a way out...step one, don't accept the calls...all he is doing is Quaking..
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Old 03-25-2007, 04:57 PM
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i agree with givelove and greet, my husband served 2 yrs and i heard all of what you are hearing now, upon release, he was clean 3wk, and back at it, 2 couple wks later, he was back in there. i bailed him out and before he got home, he was using and went awol, i went and forfeit the bail and i did except no calls, sent no money or letters, i was so glad to just leave him in there. at least he was not out trying to kill himself. i think that it may help him if he stays in, may teach him that he don't want to go back.
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Old 03-25-2007, 05:08 PM
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You are doing great, Nicole!!

Hooray for you! I know it isn't easy...

I'm sure your bf does love you. Addicts are capable of love (at least I think so)...but the problem is...they don't love themselves. Addicts love to accuse us of 'hating them' when we don't give in to their demands. He knows the score. He knows why you are doing what you are doing. He's just hoping to weaken your resolve. He's probably pretty desperate right now...

Just be careful that you don't do any of this to teach him a lesson. Do it for yourself.

Keep going!!
You're recovery is shining!!!
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Old 03-25-2007, 05:09 PM
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Be strong, gal! And stop accepting those calls, they are only bringing you down.
Sounds like you are doing pretty good so far though.
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Old 03-25-2007, 09:44 PM
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I agree if the calls are making u weak dont accept them. You need to stay strong and focus on you not him. He did this to himself. If you bail him out he wont just go on probation they will release him and he will go back out and use until the court decides probation thats not his choice to make. If you bail him out thats all you have done nothing for him but get him out of jail and what if he runs your out that money. Dont chance it hes lying to you about all that bs. Stay strong and once he starts putting on the guilt trip just hang up. NOne of this would have happend if he decided to stay the night with you instead of his "buddies" who are only his buddies when hes got drugs and money!! Good friends huh. Call them and give them the guilt trip I'm sure they have long forgotten about him til the next time he has money.
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