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an addict and a cheater?

Old 03-22-2007, 11:51 PM
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an addict and a cheater?

I actually cant believe it! I just guessed his password and got into his email account and found emails from other girls, i think i knew it, or else i woulnt have been there. i replied to one pretending to be him. i hate him. i never thought we were that couple "that" i guess we were. its over now, hes sttill on teh run, soon he will be arrested and in jail for years, i cant wait, i just want this over. im so scared of him. and hate him, is this cheating? yes i think so, its further then i would go with another man, these are x girlfriends hes emailing and if he emails then obiuisly hes had their phone numbers. and clls them.. what else? she was talking about going to seehim and he s missing,mabye there toghther now............. do you think so? should i care? we have kids or else i probobly woulnt
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Old 03-23-2007, 12:02 AM
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Dear sickofit - Hello - read your post - it must be very painful for you. It's always easier if I know the truth - I know it wasn't really what you wanted to confirm - but you did and it is hurting you to have found out. Praying for you and the children - take care of them and yourself - hope things get better.
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Old 03-23-2007, 12:46 AM
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so sorry that you're in that perdicament. I hope you can stay strong and do what you need to so you can stay healthy for yourself and the kids

good luck
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Old 03-23-2007, 02:20 AM
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I know that you must be reeling right now. Sometimes all the things that happen with addiction hit you dead on between the eyes. I know how I felt when I learned that I was being cheated on and it was awful.

One thing that I do know - the truth will set you free. Take some time to heal and do what you need to do for yourself. In time, you will be grateful that you were able to find this unwelcomed information. Once you have the truth and all of the realties then you will have all the information that you need to make the right decisions for you and your children.

There is a lot to grieve when you discover that the relationship that you thought that you had is not the one that you had. Don't let his behaviors tell you anything about you. This is a defect in him NOT YOU. Always remember that - you did not do anything at all to deserve this and it is not about you. It's something wrong in him.

Lots of love - thinking about you and sending you prayers. Donna
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:30 AM
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ditto to what Donna said.

(she's one smart cookie!!)

I'm sorry about your discovery.
I'm sure it felt like a punch in the gut on top of everything else you've been thru with him.
The only thing I can say...is 'To thyne own self be true". You are a child of God and you deserve to live in the light.

Loving hugs...
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:31 AM
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Aw sweetie, I am so sorry...yes, I agree you did nothing wrong, he has a character defect that he owns, you don't.

Keep moving forward, for you and your children, it will take time, but, you will be ok.
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:59 AM
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sorry to hear about your pain, i remember when i had to go through this, and it hurts like crazy, try to focus on you and what you are to do next, and prepare yourself for the explanations, cause they are probably gonna come. the others are right, you have already been through enough, now this??? i'm sorry but you can get better with or without him. this has nothing to do with you it all about him, so try not to except the blame. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:54 AM
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Man oh man.. I just got done working on the exact same thing.. the discovery of the cheating. I am so done with X...

Make sure you get all the blood tests to verify you are healthy and he did not give you anything from those other women. I have been negative once. I get to do this again in June.

Focus on staying healthy and being nice to yourself. This discovery is very difficult. It rocks one's self esteem. You are going to be angry.. maybe angrier than you ever were before in your life.

You did nothing wrong. Be glad you know so you can get tested and you can take care of YOU.
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Old 03-23-2007, 06:02 AM
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Just wanted to give you my support and prayers. Keep coming here to read and post. It will give you much needed encouragement and support!
Sending ((((HUGS))))
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Old 03-23-2007, 06:29 AM
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Sickofit,

So sorry you are experiencing such pain right now. I know when the truth hits me between the eyes with it hurting so badly, I have to step back and try (that's the hard part) and see the bigger picture. I have a feeling this is your HP doing you a favor, opening up the door for you to have a better relationship, maybe, on down the road of your life.

We all deserve someone who treats us with love and respect and that is exactly what YOU deserve. As painful as it is right now, I think this might be a blessing in disguise.

Hang in there. Your HP has a good plan for you even when you can't see it.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 03-23-2007, 06:40 AM
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I went throught the same thing. It's horrible, but believe me, the further you get away from it the better you feel. It's all part of the mourning cycle.
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:41 AM
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WOW... this must be hard. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I agree with making your children your number one concern right now. Children take in more than what we think they do. They know EVERYTHING no matter what their ages are. That's the reason I told AH i'm not having kids with him until he's completely cleaned for at least a year! Stay stong for your kids!
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:43 AM
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Sickofit,

No wisdom to add to the wonderful stuff above.

I've been where you are and I know how angry and sad it all must make you. But know that this is going to make things easier in the long run. My anger at my X's infidelity was the key to finally detaching from him, and after the first few days/weeks of pain it started getting easier and easier and easier.

Just like going through surgery to save your life ----- it hurts a lot in post-op, but after that you're so much stronger.

Sending you hugs and strength to get through this, and get on with the business of building a happy life for yourself.

Love,
GL
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:59 AM
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GL this requires more than thethank you button from me. Every word of this post applies to me and is so very very true.

Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
My anger at my X's infidelity was the key to finally detaching from him, and after the first few days/weeks of pain it started getting easier and easier and easier. GL
Amen sister. AMEN and THANK YOU!!!
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Old 03-23-2007, 09:04 AM
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I'm sorry you're at that ugly place. sending hugs you're way.

I agree with txsunflower... you need to stay out of the email account (and the cell phone records, the voicemail, text messages...) all that stuff just makes what you are going through so much more worse. Believe me, I did it all and I made myself SICK - almost turned into an addict myself (got Rx for xanax -- to ease the anxiety - at my worst, I was up to 4 at a time when 1/2 of one .25mg knocks a normal me out for several hours). I ignored my son, my family, friends. All my focus was on HIM... Looking back, I hate who I was at the time. It was NOT worth it. If you have any doubts, IMO, take it and run. Even if you don't run too far or for too long --- It doesn't have to be the end all. For whatever amount of time you take, you'll have peace for yourself and your children.

Good luck. Remember you come first over everything. TAKE CARE OF YOU... If you are not well, you're children won't be either. They need you.
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Old 03-23-2007, 09:06 AM
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Sick - I know what your going through too. I think most here do or they just have not been exposed to the truth yet like you have. The whole drug culture if you will is so alien to people like myself. The lies, decieption, sex/prostitution/cheating it all seems to run hand and hand with addiction. You asked if he was cheating, either he was or he was working up to it. I think this was your HP saying you deserve better. Not every man cheats nor does every woman in this world. Infidelity can be a problem in relationships where there is not drugs involved but it does seem where there is an addict there is or will soon to be cheating. Take what you know and use it to help yourself out of this bad situation. Do prepare for the parade of excuses, blame and lies to justify his actions as it will be coming, on the other hand you dont have to listen to him explain, you can just hang up on him or shut the door.
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Old 03-23-2007, 09:06 AM
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((Elana)) Being sad at our addicts' actions and being furious at them are two different weapons to fight the madness of it all with.

Sadness is like a stick.
Rage is like one of those medieval battle-axes.

It's nothing I'm proud of, believe me, but being angry (angry at the way someone would treat someone as nice as me...once I was able to respect myself again) made it a lot easier than just feeling sad and miserable about it all.

I understand that addiction is a disease, but I don't condone the things that are done by addicts using the disease as an excuse. My sister would do the most horrible things, and then throw up her hands and cry, "Oh! This insidious disease! Look what it made me do!" Infidelity falls into that category for me. Game's over at that point. I'll love them from afar where they can't ruin my chances for a happy life.

Sigh.

Dragging my axe back to work....thump, thump, thump

Love,
GL
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Old 03-23-2007, 09:32 AM
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Again, GL, such poignant words. I too can say I am not proud of my actions and I too have been outraged by the disrespect after haveing been so darn nice and supportive.

I agree with the stick and the battle ax.. I have a mace.. it is heavy, round and has little pointy things on the round end... clank clank clank.. Yup.

After the anger etc. you no longer even CARE to look at the email or any other thing the person sends.

Thank you Noah too.. you are so very right!

This thread has been so very helpful to me today and where I am. I did not start it, but I am so grateful for Sickofit starting it. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me today!
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Old 03-23-2007, 10:07 AM
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Sickofit,

Hugs and more hugs to you. Take care of yourself, hold yourself tight and know that life will get better.

GL
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Old 03-23-2007, 10:39 AM
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(((Sickofit)))

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing...especially in light of the fact that you have kids. How difficult this must be for all of you.

What I know today, is that sexual addiction is part of addiction. The part of the brain being stimulated is the same for sex, drugs, food, gambling and some other behaviors.

What that tells me is that I can still separate the addict from the addiction. That his behavior is not a reflection on anything you did or didn't do... it is a reflection of his addiction.

But as I've said before, for spouses this is especially difficult.... the broken trust may never be repaired, and "waiting" for sobriety (which is ALL we can "do") without the financial, physical, social, and emotional support may not be what you can do.

We can only do what we can do.

(((hugs)))
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