Blackrose2756

I'm still around. Have been trying to stay busy. And trying to work on moving on & trying to split myself between too many places. Long story short, I've had great weeks & think I'm doing great & then something happens to make me crash. My physical health is getting worse which feeds into not feeling great about other things. And I found myself sitting in my car wondering what I was doing when I'm in pain....(mentally & physically) & what it would take to end the pain.

I decided that I had to have a long talk with ALL my doctors. I saw an orthopedic doc who wants to do all kinds of surgery. I had 3 prior back surgeries. 7 knee surgeries & a rod in my leg from breaking it in 2002. His answer is to do surgery on everything. I said "whoa" & ended up leaving with a cortisone shot in my right hip. And an appointment on 3/26 to see a "knee replacement" expert. (That I have needed for 20 years.) Then I had a long talk with my new physician assistant (shrink) & told her I refuse to live my life taking 15 pills a day for depression. I felt like, give her a pill & shut her up. I cut back to 1 pill for depression & 1 to help me sleep. And then I told her that I had enough. So, I got to see the department head who helped me put together a "crisis plan" so I won't decide to leave.

My "support" groups are part of the plan. I'm supposed to "reach out" when I hurt. And reach out when I'm doing well. I made a lot of changes in the last few weeks in my life. I rearranged my room at my parents, bought a TV, so I can watch what I want to watch, decided to go back to some of my "quirky" ways (bought a hat & put my rings back on). I went out & bought a few more shirts that don't make me look like an "old" lady.

My son started Devry 2 weeks ago & I'm so proud of him. Seems to be the 1st one in this family who is going to make a difference. My job was going pretty good until last Monday when they decided they "might" sell the company. First, the office would go with the deal. This week if the sale goes through, I am out of work.....again!!!

My physical health is failing, I can't do all the things I used to do & I'm back at square one. Which in turn makes everything else so much worse. I'm a bit overwhelmed today & so many things are going through my mind. It's hard to sort it all out. Go back to school, find some vocational retraining so I can keep working...etc.

Oh...and she helped me work on a plan for the "bad" thoughts that come into my mind about my ex. How do you all handled the "good" memories? The person on the street who looks like him, something that reminds you of a good time, music you liked or your son handing you his driver's license & it was liking looking into my ex's face when he was 18. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Blackrose (Lynne)

dollydo

Sorry you are having so many more health challenges.

Quite honestly, I personally have moved on from my ex...I am one of those people who just move forward with today and tomorrow. I walk around and see other faces, yet, never see his, and, the bad times far outweighed the good times, so, the bond has been broken, and I don't look back.

I am not much help with your issues, yet, I know there are others here who will have some words of wisdom.

My Best,
Dolly

havehope

(((Lynne)))
I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain both physically and mentally. It would be difficult for ANYONE to handle all that you are trying to adjust to. I think it is great that you have done something for yourself. I think that is a great start. Try to remember the One day at a time and Just for today. We can't solve all of our problems overnight. I just think you are a bit overwhelmed right now.
I know what you mean about "reminders". I am reminded of my daughter all of the time. I can't decide whether to hide her pictures around the house, or just deal with them. I'm sure others will have better advice but just know that I care. Keep posting.
Terri

teke

sound like youre feeling a little overwhelmed right now, sorry but it does get better. i understand what you mean about the reminders, i used to find myself look at faces to make sure that it wasn't my rah, and car that was the same color i had to look to make sure that it wasn't his. i got so tired of doing that until i made a conscience desision that no matter what, i was not gonna go there in my mind. what helped me was to deliberately focus on my thougts, catching them kind of in mid air, changing the thoughts before i had a chance to dwell on them. how? i did a lot of praying, reading, singing my favorite songs, cleaning, anything that i could think that would change the thought that i didn't want to think. now an easy thing to do, but possible. sometimes i'd just say the serenity prayer over and over until the thoughts went away, when i was on the road and saw a car the right color, i'd force myself not to look. the more i did this, the less i found that i had to. it takes time and a lot of conscience work. keep the focus on you. keeping you and your in my prayers

Elana

It is very very hard to move forward when you are in physical pain. In fact, when I hurt (and, Lynne, it ain't the AGE its the MILEAGE!), I can so easily go back to bad places that allow bad feelings.

Just to let you know I understand. I think the important thing is to really do what needs to be done to be well physically. It is very hard to fix the mental issues when you have physical ones.

I have two bad knees (20 years milking cows in a stanchion barn) and a bad shoulder (degenerative.. which means Mileage issues). I have physical therapy which helps a lot as long as I keep at it. I will someday need to replace the right knee then the left one.

Get more than one opinion and do whatever you need to do to take care of you. If you feel better physically you will feel better mentally.

I understand. I do care. (((Lynne)))

Blackrose2756

thanks everyone. The other hard part is that my ex was the ONLY person in my life who cared about my physical health. He knew about my bad knees & never let me carry heavy things up or down stairs, he helped with the cleaning, he did the laundry & he was there when I broke my leg & when the bolt came out a year later. My family acts like they care, but do nothing to help me. So, I struggle to keep doing the things I need to do. And, yes, it hurts to accept that the only man I ever really loved & who loved me would rather go back to crack, booze, bimbos & crooks. It was easier to live with the pain when I had joy in my life. When I had a job. When I had independence. Now I have nothing & the pain is so much harder to deal with. There are times I just wish he were here to hold me until I fall asleep.

But then I remember....REALITY IS NOTHING HAS CHANGED WITH HIM!!!

I waited 40 years to find someone to share my life with & now I'm alone again because CRACK was more important than our life together & I just have days where it's just too much.

And lately, for some reason, the "good" memories are coming back. Because life with him wasn't all bad. There were lots of good memories as well. As far back as when he was 11 & we were groiwing up together. He has always been able to make me laugh. He always knew what to say. And he is the ONLY person who knows the REAL Lynne.

teke

i know that feeling too, blackrose

kind of a feeling of betrayal, huh? i also have a disabling injury causing me not to be able to work and to do most things without pain but like you, i have to do what i have to do for myself. it does make matters so much worse when you are in physical pain and feel dependant and the one who you would think is suppose to be there chose to be else where, but it does get better. life don't always work out the way we plan it, sometimes we just have to take what we have and do the best we can to learn from our experiences and move on. you never know what the future might hold so if you can, try to live in the day that you're in and let tomorrow worry about its own. keeping you in my prayers