dazednconfuse

New to SA and desperate for support. I'm going to my first NA tonight, and have been working 1:1 with a counselor as well. I don't know the abbreviations just yet, but my new husband is now a drug addict. Pain killers; one week of detox; now outpatient. How am I supposed to live with the uncertainty of this "thing" coming back, especially when I have ZERO control? Our first year of marriage - this certainly isn't what I expected. First I was sad/upset... and now I'm feeling more angry. How do we plan for the rest of our lives when everything says "one day at a time?" How can I even think about having babies? The future feels so uncertain now...

splendra

Hey there (((((dazednconfused))))

Welcome to Sober Recovery....

Nobody can really tell you if you ought to leave or go. What we can say is keep the focus on yourself make your plans based on what you need and want. Take good care and keep posting it does help...

Brownie

Welcome dazednconfused: You WILL find support here. I'm a Mom of an addicted daughter (AD) - don't know all the addbreviations yet either -but keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing.

cinderellawkids

I am so sorry. Sadly only you can answer those questions about you and you have to do what makes you happy.

Im sending cyber hugs your way

dazednconfuse

Wow - you all sure post quickly! Me? I'm in a state of complete confusion. I know what I want for me and my life, and this situation certainly doesn't fit into my master plan. I know what my gut is telling me, yet I don't know if I'm ready to make a move.

cinderellawkids

Guts say lots of things. I hardly follow mine. You do not have to decide today, or tomorrow sit back, try to regroup and you'll figure out what is best for you. You mentioned going to NA, try alanon or naranon

dazednconfuse

See? I really don't know the abbreviations. I meant Nar-Anon, not NA. Thanks!

splendra

So do nothing until you are ready this is an okay plan for right now...

volsgal1162

I too know what you are feeling. My first year of marriage was the same! I knew he drank but NOT a full blown A..... It was horrible, I was sick too! I left went back numerous times until it was so bad all I knew to do was go! In my case the abuse turned from very verbal to physical (very violent). My heart and my life was turned upside down. When I moved away from my family to be with him, what turned out to be was NOT in my plans either. I now have been seperated for 4 months, he was forced by the court to STOP drinking, and I dont know what will happen from this day forward only God knows. I have put this in his hands as it is bigger than me. I pray for the strength to get thru this as I love my AH, but realize I have to find me again.
I will pray for you and I do agree with the other posts here, do nothing until you are ready. My preacher told me along time ago "when you are confused and dont know which way to go just stand still, just stand still".... It has stuck with me.

Hugs,

June

OurBigSecret

I just wanted to say welcome.
Stick around and read the posts and feel free to share, it really helps.
I know how hard this can be.
Just make sure you don't put all of your energy into the person that is the addict that you forget all about taking care of yourself.
Good Luck!

BTRFLY

Thank you for posting. I'm going through the exact same thing. My AH (addict husband right?) and I have been married less than a year and he's been addicted to tramadol (pain killers) and now cocaine. I'm confused and mad, sad, hurt, and ever other emotion you can think of. I too was sad/upset for a week and now this week I'm sooo mad. I have not stopped crying for 2 weeks and I'm not a crier never has been. I dont know and still debating do i stick around and wait for the next time or leave or hopefully there is no next time ?????????????????????????????? sorry venting and relating at the same time!

volsgal1162

Hey BTRFLY,
I am sorry to hear you are going thru this TOO.... keep posting we are all here to help one another. My prayers are with you. Over the past few months I wouldn't have made it W/O SR, al-non and my church... You do feel like you are cracking up, but you are strong. Remember YOU!! Take care of you.

Hugs,
June

dazednconfuse

BTRFLY, has your AH (thanks - didn't know that one) sought help? I'm lucky in that mine went through detox, but believe me - its just the beginning. You're the first person I've been in contact with who knows what I'm feeling - I hope we can keep in touch.

dazednconfuse

volsgal, I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat, and especially for the abuse you suffered. I can't even imagine dealing with that on top of everything else. I'm proud of you for knowing when to get out - I hope things become clearer to me soon - if it means staying or going. Nothing is worse than "not knowing."

BTRFLY

dazednconfuse,
Yes, please lets stay in touch. I do have great friends that i can talk to but they dont understand exactly what's going on. So what kind of out patient program is your husband going through? Mine is doing an out patient methadone clinic to get off the withdrawals easier. He's trying to get off the methadone to be able to go into an inpatient for week. He works with his mom and best friend so we all stay in contact of where he is what's he doing. He's being open right now but that is his 'trigger' as they called it in counseling. He does not know how to talk about his feelings and covers them up with drugs.

one day at a time is the advice i'm getting from everyone!

outonalimb

welcome to sr dazednconfused and btrfly.

You've come to a great place for support...and to learn about addiction and its effect on us...the 'non-addict' in a relationship.

I'm sorry to hear about everything you are going thru.
There is no need to take any action...or make any decision...until you are ready. My best advice...is read around...educate yourself about this disease of addiction...Your husbands' addictions have nothing to do with you. There is nothing you can do or say to 'fix' things. You aren't that powerful. The old saying that love conquers all doesn't apply when your spouse is an addict. Not in the normal sense, anyway. Your love can't cure them...But love for yourself will help you find your way thru this situation.

I'm glad you're both here...
I hope you stick around and let us get to know you better...

Helpwithanaddic

I am 23 years old living with a recovering drug addict. Well he was recovering but earlier this week I was a snoopy Sally and went through this things and discovered that he has been doing Oxycontin again. This will be his second relapse. When he went to rehab the first time I stuck by him even though he was 1000 miles away. He came home after six months of treatment and living in a sort of half way house with other guys. We lived together for 6 months in love and having a great time. 6 months later he went to live in north carolina with his mom because he had relapsed and I kicked him out. But I stuck by him. After a month of not using there I let him come back home. But now 2 months later he has stolen money from me and pawned several of my items. Stuff I hold truly dear to me. This is something he has NEVER done with me at least. When I caught him in the lies I went off on him and he started bawling crying and going crazy he said he was going to leave and kill himself. So I hid his keys until I could find a detox center to take him to. His whole family has turned their backs on him. He's quit his job and has no money. The only people he has left in his life are me and his mom. I took him to a detox center 2 hours away this week and he is doing 10-14 days there. His mom is helping with the money part of it but I am so confused with what to do when he gets out. We have no money to put him in an impatient or really an outpatient setting at a clinic or center. This situation is so complicated. If I were my own best friend I'd tell myself to LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK. But how can I do this to someone? He is the only man I've ever loved, ever been with, he treats me like a queen when he is not on drugs and he is my BEST FRIEND in the world. If I kick him out he has NO where to go but I can't lock up and hide everything in the house. I've done some research and many places say its good to lay down ground rules when they come back. Mine are that he has to work two jobs to pay me, his bills, and his mom back. He has to give me his paystubs and paychecks and gets to hold onto NO cash or cards or checks or anything. he has to go to church with me at least once a week. and he has to go to at least one meeting a week that I will drop him off at and pick him up. I just wanted some advice. Obviously I can't leave him because he will have no where to go, and how in my Christian state of mind turn my back on someone who is ill? Do I wait until he gets back on his feet and then tell him to start looking for somewhere to live? Or will that send him over the edge again? I mean he is my best friend but how can I love someone who is constantly hiding things, taking things? Should I implement these rules when he gets back and see how things go? I'm just so confused and distraught and I have 8 days to figure out how to handle this situation before he comes home. Any input would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

dollydo

Welcome,

No advice from me, however, if it were me I wouldn't consider starting a family until he is clean and sober for at least a year, you are young, there is no hurry.

Keep your eyes and ears open, and keep posting it will help.

teke

a big welcome to dazencinfuse, btrfly, and helpwithanaddicglad to meet you all. the addict in my life is my hubby of 21 yrs, and all of the emotions that all of you are experiencing, i've been there and done that basically the whole time we were married so i do know where you are coming from and i understand what you are going through. this is not and easy road to travel and it doesn't get any better until the addict commits to getting better and become willing to do whatever it takes to get better and stay better. there is nothing that you an do to help him other than what you have already done. maybe it time now that you learn what you can do to help yourself better cope with addiction if thats what you choose.

when i first came here, i was literally insane, at least i thought i was, and i'm telling you what these caring people told me, that i should take the focus completely off him, somehow, and focus on me and what i need to do to make my life better with him or without him. they are teaching me how to seperate myself from him and him from his addiction. not an easy thing to do but it can be done. my husband and i have been seperated a lot, but for him, i think that it took for him to hit rock bottom on his own, before he came to a place where he knew that he need help, and once i was no longer there to save him, he made the decision that he would save himself. just like he struggled to get high, he struggled to get into rehab. now he's 3 months sober, but i do understand that relapse is sometimes common, and that it can happen without notice.

i too am a recovering crack addict with 5 yrs clean and it took for my family to totally leave me to my own destruction before i was forced to do something to save my own life.

if i had to make a suggestion, it would be to do all you can to keep the focus on you and allow your addict to find his own way. turn him over to a higher power and believe that his higher power will take care of him and lead him to the place where he should be. in the meantime, take care of you and your needs, emotionally, physically and financially.

sorry for the book and i'm sorry that you are going through all of this, i know your pain oh so well, and i'll be praying for all of you guys.

you are welcome to pm me if ever you need to, if i can help, i'd be happy to.