Noah812

Nicole - Anvil and Teke have experience here and I agree you will do no good to continue to dial. On a diffrent note, my ex left for 5 days, x-mas was the 3rd day and by the 3 day I had just tried and did go numb. My xagf returned to having her things in a storage building and on the way out of my life. Frankly I didnt want to live like that so I began taking my life back. Someone disappering for 5 days? Say it outloud it sounds horrible. People expect thier mate to be with them, not in a fog, lost in a drug haze. I know a few people that if he or she was confronted with this disappearing BS they would be seperated and or divorced very quick. It would not be tolerated and I feel that IMHO it does not have to be or excused. I feel for you now Nicole. Good luck to you. You dont have to wait till the 3rd day before looking for him, you can stop looking now and just stop looking indeffinatley. This hit a nerve with me, sorry.

teke

oh i do agree with noah, its not to be excused, the only thing that i did or didn't do was, i didn't get a divorce yet and every once in awhile i allowed him to manipulate his way back home, and then it was my choice, knowing that it probably wouldn't be long before he would relapse again, then he would be right out again for another 6 mos-1 yr or more. it took me a lot longer to get to where you are, so i think that you are doing good, youre reaching out. the choice is yours whether you chose to stay or go, but just in case your not ready to make the decision, try to do it emotionally and financially until you can do it physically if thats what you choose to do. keeping all of you in my prayers

greatgirl32

The more time I spend reading people's experiences, the more light bulbs go on in my head about my history with my XAB..WOW, how could I have believe the lies, when he'd say he's be home in 1/2 hour and then not call for 2 or 3 hours or not at all? What lessons he has taught me! I will never ever again stay in a relationship where I knew I should have left a year ago rather than wasting my time on trying to "fix him.

Nicole0927

Guys Thanks and Teke that phone thing I can't stop dialing. The phone did get shut off thou. His boss had it turned off. Thank God cause I'd still be dialing. I just had an experience that I would like to share.before I forget eveything everyone said made sense to me. I spent my evening writing as letter to God. Just venting to him. Asking for him for his strength to turn the crackhead away this time but to offer help like money to catch a cab to go somewhere else. Then I ask him to please keep him safe. I asked him all kinds of things. I believe that this is a lesson for both of us. For me it was to find God and believe in him. I was a non believer. Then when I had nothing left I went to him. Talking with him helps me more than anything. I did question him in my letter and I said that I was sorry that I never found him before. I'm anrgy because I opened my heart and tried to help someone and for that I get shafted but I found God. I'm very anrgry with him at the moment but if it took this for me to find him I'm also glad.I did ask him to watch over Patrick and keep him safe and sound for all the days of his life. The lesson for him not sure is it just to make him feel more like a failure more like a loser hate himself more than he already does. God knew all of this he even knows the ending to this story. so... after I write this letter my cell phone rings it is a police officer tellin me that Patrick has been arrested and he just wnated them to call me to tell me that is his okay. The nerve of him!!!!!!! Then to top that off he tells the cop to tell me that his truck was stolen in Baltimore City. To bad for him. I put a stop on the check anyway and the insurance. His first call should be to his real friends the druggies he runs the streets with. They could not tell me why he was arrested he is suppsose to call me after he sees the commissioner.If he thinks I'm getting another 10,000 to bail him out he must still be high. I'm leaving him there, but I will offer to send comisary. I will keep his things for him until he gets out. I will even pick him up but and offer to take him to a halfway house ther are lots of them in Baltimore. I will offer to be his friend. I will go to Church with him but thats it.
I'm not going to allow him to use me anymore. I know that it is his addiction but until HE arrests it I will always get the s$ht end of the stick. The cop did say if he gets out on his own he will just need a ride home HOME he does not have a home anymore. And you know he said that I heard him he said I don't think I have a home anymore. This is my weakness I talk a good game thou. I hope god gives me the strength so I can do this

kj0975

First I wouldnt pick him up let him find his own ride home where ever that may be. Once you see him and listen to his line of BS and the lies that will spew out of his mouth like they have been rehearsed a 100 times you might start to feel sorry for him and let him come home only til the next time he gets that craving. Let him have consequences for his actions let him be a grown man who needs to learn his lesson the hard way for once. He didnt take the time out of his life to call you and say he was ok while he was out doing God knows what so dont take the time out of your day to make sure his ends ok. I'm sorry this hits a nerve with me. I got so tired of him f-ing up all the time and me left to pick up the pieces. Finally I let the pieces drop and left his arse to pick them up. I couldnt control his using his disappearing his life so why should I try to control his consequences and give him a soft landing. Just stay strong, focus on you. Let him figure this out. Funny how when they get into trouble we are the first ones they think about.

Nicole0927

Yea you are right. He called and yea he fed me with all of his BS. I told him not to call me to bail him out. That I'm finished. He almost gotme the Oh I feel sorry for you now. I told him this is his problem that I can not do anything for him anymore. He would still be out there if he did not get arrested. Oh he got caught stealing in blockbuster. $500.00. Wouldn't be too bad for someone with no record but his is a mile long. And his reason for getting high this time, He really doesn't know he said he just felt like doing it.

kj0975

Good for you I know how hard that was to do!!!! I am very proud of you now remember how good that felt to be that strong and not fall for it remember that feeling! I know you might not feel that good now but you will, Its almost liberating. You should be proud of yourself, he was stealing to get more drugs he wasnt done yet so who knows how much longer it would have been b4 he called broke and feeling like crap and needed a bed to lay his self loathing head on. Stay strong come here when you feel week. I applaud your strength!

kj0975

Oh and another thing just tell him you just dont feel like picking him up!

teke

sorry nicole, looks like you get to get a good night sleep after all, at least for tonight, you know that he's safe. i 'm a believer too, i think that you are doing good by writing letters to the one who can help you and your bf. i think that it good that he suffer the consequences of his actions, hopefully he'll soon learn the stealing gets you lock up and try not to go that route again. you are a strong woman, you can do it, maybe a few nights there will give him time for his head to clear a little and maybe he'll be more able to think about what he's doing to himself and to his loved ones. focus on you and what you need to do to make your life easier and allow him to worry about himself. keeping you and yours in my prayers.

Nicole0927

Yes I do get to sleep good, but I still feel so used. Teke I would love to believe that a few dyas in there will make him think but jail is not knew for him. spent 18 months in jail when he was in Texas spent 16 months here in baltimore and who knows how many times he was locked up in new york. Thats where he is from. Maybe he will start building a relatiionship with God. Throwing him out is the right thing to do isn't it? WOW It doesnt take long for me to start feeling sorry for him. STUPID STUPID STUPID Question. Bringing back will only hurt him more. and me.

oneeyeopen

when my abf is drinking he usually always answers the phone, actually he likes to get a bit drunk and then call me and bla bla bla bla describing the wonderful life we are going to have together. but when he does drugs, then nope, doesn't answer. he MIGHT respond to a text message. something like "I am safe" HA, safe doing drugs??? I guess he thinks that just the fact that he is breathing is better than in a morgue and I will be relieved.

then I started just not calling, if he didn't answer, or once the phone was turned off, I just gave up, and you know what he said??? that me NOT calling made it worse, and the time that I totally was able to not call at all from the minute he walked out the door to use--that was the time he went on the worst binge ever.

so, I think that calling is this double edged sword--real world enters the picture, and they feel bad so they do more drugs, but if real world doesn't enter it means we no longer care and that makes them feel bad...

sending a message might be the best thing, if their phone is turned off they will get it when it is turned on again, and they always turn the phone on again at some point to call the dealer.

anyway, the way I see it -- as long as I have not heard otherwise, he is alive, and as soon as he is dead I will find it out, no one wants a dead body in the crack house.

Cupicake

Anvil....Thank you for being so very honest.

Nicole....I used to go through the same thing. I used to actually have mini anxiety attacks too. It was like I could hardly breath. I'd be running to the window at every sound of a car. Intermittenly I would call his cell but he would hit the hang up button so that it would go straight to voicemail. By an off chance I would catch him because he'd be just about to dial for the dealer again so when he hit any of the buttons it would pick up my call but then he'd realize it and hang up. I'd be left there screaming into the phone. This would go on all night long and it was all so fruitless.

My best advice...do everything you can to heal yourself. Go to meetings...read and post here so that you can get responses from all of these wise folks who helped me through it. My soon to be exah is a coke/crack addict, by the way. Slowly but surely you'll be able to do as Teke explained.

Many hugs coming your way because I know you didn't sign up for this kind of ride.

kj0975

I was once told NO phone call was better than a phone call. You would get a call if he was in the hospital or jail or worse. Like you just experienced. NO dont feel sorry for him he did this to himself. One of these times it will click and he will want a different life unfortunatly no matter how much you do for him you will not change that until he wants to do it for himself. Maybe this was his bottom maybe realizing that you wouldnt pick up the pieces and he is left on his own maybe he will open his eyes. What if you get him? Then what? Think you feel used now wait til you get suckered into getting $ to bail him out, then $ for a lawyer and to get his truck and everything else only for him to do this to you AGAIN. I'm not saying its easy it took me years to finally walk away guess what alot of years later he is still using nothing has changed guess he isnt ready or maybe he never will be.

Nicole0927

kj0975 I could just NOT answer the phone. Let him experience how it feels to get voicemail

teke

my rah is from ny too. i don't know if he'll learn a lesson, but i do know that he'll have time to think. my rah served 2 yrs in prison, got out and in 3wks he was back in there, did about 4 more months and then went back for a few wks. i say as long as he his searching for his rock bottom, kind of take a step back and let him look for it. he may get a few bumps and bruises but he may also get sick of himself and seek help. i think that as long as you provide a comfortable landing pad, gas for his travels, food and all the other nessessities of life, then all he has to do for himself is tend to his drug habit.

the last time my rah, went on his binge, he called me crying saying that he had nowhere to go, could he please come by to get clothes, said that he was gonna have to go sleep under a bridge, i kindly told him NO, that i would meet him at the bridge,whereever that was, and bring him his clothes. the next time i heard from him, he had checked himself in the mental ward at the local hospital. he's not mental, i think that he got desperate for help and somebody told him that if he went that route, that they would find him a rehab that would take him on the spot.

i said that to say, if it gets bad enough, even without you, he'll find help if he wants to. they tell us that they can't make it without us, but think about it, they do pretty good when it comes to finding drugs without us, thats just how bad they want it. an addict will tell you whatever you want to hear if it will get them what they want, remember that. this does not mean that he don't love you or care, its just whatever they need to say to get whoever will to help them to be able to continue to use.

i don't think that his intentions is to use you, it just convient. try not to take it so personal, it really not about you, it the drugs. hard to do i know, but it can be done.

itiswhatitis...

nicole,

i just wanted to say that my sister is the crackhead in my life - i have custody of her 2 and 4 year old sons - she has not called or picked up her phone or cellphone in over a month - 4 yr old even left a message - i wish the police would call - i wish someone would see her - i wish she would talk to her kids - i wish - aeecchhh...

- i wish her well - i hope she finds a life someday - i hope she isn't dead...

you're doing the right thing - good for you...

love,
s

kim1973berly

Hi. Just asked RAH. He said because it interrupted his buzz, and #2 But his worst was that it made him feel guilty, which made him use more ad stay gone longer. See, we think that when we call them they are gonna be like.."oh wow, I love this person, I should go home" But actually it does the opposite. Then they have to come up with lies and schemes...and hon, if you live through what I lived through...you've heard them all. But they would rather wait it out and at the last possible second ( 5 hours, 10 hours,36hoursetc, etc, etc....) and then they call.

Hon, I am sorry that you are going through this. The dialing and dialing and dialing made me so nuts. We don;t have a cell phone to this day. The "The Nextel subsriber you are trying to reach is unavailable to take your call" kiled me.

faith123

Hi Nicole, I like this topic. It hits very close to home. My ABF will never call until he is ready to come home, and then, the call is collect. He has traded three cell phones for crack. My guy has been gone for a solid week now. He took his new cell phone, which he had talked me into helping him get. The night he left without a word to me, he wouldn't answer his phone. I knew he would trade it for dope, so the next morning, I had his phone cut off. If he wasn't going to answer it, then he doesn't need it, in my opinion. Besides, he had probably already traded it for crack, anyway.

He had been doing great for about two weeks. Guess he just couldn't stand being clean, so he disappeared for six days, and then he called collect at 12:30 am. He wanted me to come get him. He was still messed up, hungry, and miserable. I had to work the next day, so I told him I couldn't come get him. He had his truck, but he just didn't have any money for gas. I told him to call me the next day, and I haven't heard from him since. He hadn't given a thought to me in six days, so I figured he was getting along fine without me.

I know he's still getting his bumps on a daily basis now. He can't spare money for gas because whatever money he gets goes to the dealer. He said he still had on the same clothes he left with and had been sleeping in his truck. I know he's not eating very much, and he gets very dehydrated from not having anything to driink. How much more of this his body can take, I don't know. I wish the police would find him and arrest him. I would feel a lot better if he was off the streets.

I have asked him a hundred times if it would kill him to make a phone call. Any time I ask him a question why he does something, he just says he doesn't know why he does the things he does. I know I can function a lot better without him. He is also probably a lot better off without me. If I help him when he comes home, he just keeps going back out when he gets rested. I figure he'll call this weekend.

Bottom line is, they just don't want to talk to us until they need us and want to come home. I am tired of his using me and messing up my life. I am tired of wondering when I will hear from him. The last time he called I just told him there was nothing I could do for him. I told him I couldn't and wouldn't live that kind of life. I told him I figured he was happy enough without me, since I hadn't heard from him in six days.

Truffles

Stay strong - I wish you the best.

When my RAH wouldn't answer the phone it would drive me crazy. Any time I wouldn't answer the phone he would get so upset and leave a long VM saying that it isn't right our son is with me and I should answer! I laughed so hard when I listen to that message - he wasn't around when our son was asking for him!

fleaSha

Here I am late again...

reading all of this makes me wonder what I would have done 10-15 years ago when cell service wasn't so affordable. What would I have done then? would I have been worse off or better off? Geez, I'm getting anxious just thinking about it... and it makes no difference whatsoever... Its just something that crossed my mind.