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So does time heal all wounds?

Old 03-21-2007, 02:39 PM
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So does time heal all wounds?

February 27th I went to check on my mother who had the apartment next to me and my boyfriend. I thought living next door would give her more motivation to stay sober. March 1st she was found dead in her apartment. She had been struggling with addiction since before i was born....over 21 years now. I was the last one to see her and now here i am 19 years old and having just planned my mothers funeral. I have a 15 year old brother who is so angry and a 4 year old brother who doesn't understand why mommy died. Its more than unbearable and denial gets me through the day. Everyone thinks i put on a brave faces when i throw myself into work and make jokes to avoid thinking about no longer having a mother to call and ask for recipes and complain about my boyfriend to or just go sit at her house so she can make me cider.



Will this get easier?
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Old 03-21-2007, 02:51 PM
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rd, I'm so sorry for your loss... I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling in those moments when the denial lifts a bit. I see denial as a shock absorber for the soul, and I find it very necessary in some situations. As long as I don't live in it and let it go when I'm strong enough to move through the feelings, then I have no problem with denial.

As for the healing properties of time, for me the equation is

Time + Work = Healing

My work, after having been affected all my life by the devastating family disease of alcoholism, has been in Al-Anon. It's through that fellowship that I have found recovery for the deep wounds that alcoholism has caused in my life...

My belief is that all pain passes from acute to manageable as recovery progresses.

I hope you'll keep coming back here, so we can walk beside you on your healing journey.

I wish you peace...
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Old 03-21-2007, 02:53 PM
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i'm so sorry - i'm dealing with my sister's addiction - i have physical custody of her 2 lil guys - we have not heard from her in over a month - i hope that her fate isn't the same as your mom's - this addiction thing really sucks - i hope for your sake it gets easier - your mom must be so proud of you and the woman you've become - i hope that your mom is at peace - oh god how i hope...

love,
s
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Old 03-21-2007, 02:54 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. I think things will get better for you in time although I'm sure that right now that's very hard to comprehend being that it just happened this month...
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Old 03-21-2007, 02:54 PM
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gosh, i'm so sorry, i really feel your pain, she's at peace now and her struggle is over. what addiction does to people and to their love ones is so sad. ipray that god will give you added strength to be able to move on from here. i pray for your siblings too. i'm so sorry for your loss.

i lost my brother, my father, exhusband 3 cousins and an uncle to addiction, so i do know your pain. its never easy but in time the pain does get a little easier to bare. remember that she lives on in your heart and your memories.
i'll continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Old 03-21-2007, 03:39 PM
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Hi,
I’m truly sorry for your loss.
I lost my Dad at around your age. It was so painful.

When my son was about 18, I told him one day, that I was sorry we’ve had to face all of the terrible things we’ve been through. And he said,”yeah…but… it make me kinda proud that we were able to get through it!”

So...

I don’t think time heals all wounds, really, but there’s a certain grace that it bestows on folks who’ve weathered much I think.

"There is often in people to whom 'the worst' has happened
an almost transcendent freedom,
for they have faced 'the worst' and survived it."
--Carol Pearson

My thoughts and prayers are with you,
JSM
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Old 03-21-2007, 04:19 PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss of your mom. I lost my mom too, as well as my two older (and only) sisters, to addictions and their sicknesses. I know how badly this hurts, and how everything seems so incredibly screwed up right now.

The folks above me are right. It does get easier with time. I don't think this is the kind of loss that heals entirely...at least it never has with me. There are some days when I just about come unglued, thinking about everything that I miss about having a mom and sisters. But it has gotten a thousand percent easier as time has gone by.

If you're into books at all for healing purposes, think about finding "the loss that is forever" at your local library. It's specifically about healing from the loss of a parent, and I know it helped me a lot even years after the fact.

Sending you light, and life, and strength to get through this with your sanity and well-being. Hugs too.

GiveLove
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Old 03-21-2007, 05:35 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your Higher Power will help you through this . With deepest sympothy (((hugs)))
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Old 03-21-2007, 05:49 PM
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Sorry for your loss. You are really in pain.

I don't know of much advice.
Just know I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer for you.
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Old 03-21-2007, 06:00 PM
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I am sorry for the loss of your mom. Losing someone we love is never easy but when that person is also so young it is a tragedy. Although you will always carry that wound with you, in time it will be easier to bear. Don't be afraid to reach out for help if you need it. You don't always have to be the strong one, although you probably were forced to be mature beyond your years due to her addiction. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Marle
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Old 03-21-2007, 06:04 PM
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rdespain: So much pain and responsibility for you - I will pray that it will get easier.
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Old 03-21-2007, 06:12 PM
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I am so very sorry for your loss.
What a tragedy.

Hold on to your good memories...cherish them...they will carry you through. And know that your mom is in a much better place. She's not struggling anymore... I'm sure she knows how much you love her...and miss her...She's still with you...I'm sure of this.

There's no quick way thru the grief.
Be patient and kind with yourself right now.

With deepest, heartfelt sympathy...
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Old 03-21-2007, 06:14 PM
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Oh my gosh, what a terrible thing for you to have to go through. Please keep coming back here. This is such a wonderful place. Addiction affects us for years and years.
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Old 03-28-2007, 06:07 AM
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You know you ALWAYS will have me sweetie!! ALWAYS
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Old 03-28-2007, 06:27 AM
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i am so sorry for this. i am sorry for your mom & you & your brothers.time does make thinngs softer but only you can begin the healing of yourself.welcome to S.R. i am glad your r here. take it one day at a time & keep coming back.you are a strong girl & i know your mom was proud of you.prayers for u & your brothers.
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Old 03-28-2007, 10:56 AM
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my wife greeneyes3902 died on february 27th. our daughter just turned 5 a couple of weeks ago. we still miss her but she is a strong little girl. she has her sad moments but she is accepting the fact that mommy won't be coming home again. the pain comes and goes. you'll have your good moments... but you'll also have those sad moments. even today I cried for greeneyes3902. but I am moving on with my life. don't know how long the hurt will stay. but I have a song by rick springfield called my fathers chair that I want to share with those who have lost a loved one for whatever reason.



My fathers' chair still standing there
All alone since the long night
Now its three years on and I still feel
He'll come home, we'll be alright

So where's this healing time brings
I was told the pain would ease
But it still hurts like the first night

That night my brother, my mother and i
Were looking up at a distant star
And wishing we could reach that far
And back in the house
And alone for the first time
We told each other we cared
We avoided my fathers' chair

I watch my family, we hold on
We are strong and we'll be alright
The clock continues counting down, all the while
And every child will share the long night

But do the spirits meet again
Why am I still so filled with doubt
Is my soul everlasting

And the far distant future
When I knew youd be gone
Came too fast and stays too long
Why do they leave the weak of spirit
And take the strong

When the world turns sour
And I get sick from the smell
And I cant find no comfort there
I climb into my fathers' chair.
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Old 03-28-2007, 11:29 AM
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(((((rdes))))))

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Old 03-28-2007, 12:22 PM
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it's nice to meet you, rdespain. i'm sorry that you lost your mother. prayers to you and your family. please take good care of yourself, and keep posting.

blessings, k
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Old 03-28-2007, 03:45 PM
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My deepest sympathy's to you and your family. Day's may get harder if you don't seek a support group for grieving. I strongly recommend it to yourself and your brother's.

(((Big Hugs)))
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Old 03-28-2007, 06:04 PM
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I am so very sorry for you! I can't know exactly what YOU are feeling but I can share with you that I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 15. I had two older brothers who were 9 and 11 years older than me, so I was very close to her. She died in March and my dad left me all alone in Boston while he left for our family homestead in Canada for the whole summer and with NO money. I had to get a job just to afford to buy necessities. I slept with a knife under my pillow. My brothers were very angry and we became close but they were not living at home. My oldest brother was in the Marines and my youngest was raising a family and was an active alcholic.

Ten years later, I lost both my brothers in a single car accident while they were going on a hunting trip. By that time, my oldest brother had become a professional truck driver and it was thought that a deer ran in front of their car. They were both in recovery from their alcholism.

I've had lots of other family losses too and I am not telling you this to trivialize what you are dealing with. I am telling you this so you know that I have dealt with the worst of life (and I now have an addict daughter!) and have recovered and moved forward.

It is not easy but yes, time does make it more bearable. It does not make it go away but I have accepted that there are things I do not know about and things I cannot control. I know that my loved ones suffering is over and I have to learn to use the strength of that to keep me going so I can celebrate that they lived.

It does hurt; don't deny that but it will not keep you from growing, moving forward or even flourishing. It just doesn't seem possible right now but in time, it will

Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

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