Is it normal?

Old 03-20-2007, 05:42 AM
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Is it normal?

Is it normal to experience extreme discomfor the first time you attempt to "take care of you" and stand up for yourself.

The inner gremlin is screaming at me that I do not deserve to do that. It feels so wrong.

Last night was another round of insanity.

My BF who is extremely sensitive and discharged from rehab on Sunday has been a rollarcoaster of emotions. It frightens me because I do not know ifI am to support him or if he will merely eventually push me away and hurt me. I must not cling to my codependency and be able to acknowledge a breaking point before I have completely sacraficed myself.

I had a long day. Had worked from 9-5, class after until 7 then met with my marketing group until 10:00PM. He asked me to come over and I thought I was being true to myself by staying put.
Apparently I wasn't making myself clear enough and was going back and forth between yes and 'i'm tired.' I know I was ambiguous.

And as hopefully many of you can relate (and remind me that i'm not crazy) -- he has this amazing way of turning an arguement around on me. I do not know if it deflects from what he's feeling and dealing with that or what, but he started telling me how I was messing with him head and explaining arguements that he truly believed and that left me baffled. I questioned whether or not he had used again and he denied it. I suppose there is a very good chance he could have, but given that he was just out of rehab a day I think he would at least attempt to stay clean for awhile, but again with addicts who knows!

Basically the night thrust me into my codependent craziness- feeling incredibly pathetic (him hanging up on me, me calling him back repeatedly.) At one point he even told me that he thought we should break up because he wasn't sure that this could work.
This would have once thrust me into a near psychotic frenzy, but I tried to stay calm and grounded this time. (Any other ideas?)
Basically this bickering over something so indefinite the entire night. Him hanging up on me. I guess the most discouraging part of me is that I look back at it and think I have acted so pathetically- I get down on myself because I wasn't able to be strong.

After we hung up on the phone I gathered myself together and affirmed that i do not deserve to be treated like this so I called him and told him this. I told him that if he continues to treat me this way and turn his confusion and fear against me than I cannot stay and put myself through this. (Again, why do I feel guilty for taking a stand? Why is it so hard to take a stand and then relinguish control?)

Funny because as soon as I take a stand and voice my opinion- I immediately retract into worry mode about how he will interpret what I said and the possible things that could result from this.


Maybe I have been to smothering his first day back and expected him to just pop back into Mr. Wonderful mode.
I am really trying hard to focus on me. I suppose that doing so makes me uncomfortable so I go back into the codep mode.
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Old 03-20-2007, 06:04 AM
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grateful rca
 
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oh hk, i'm sorry that you feel bad. i know how you feel, i still feel guilty most of the time for standing up for myself. i think that it must be kind of normal to feel that way. i was so used to focusing all my attention on my rah and others, putting myself and my feelings out or mind out of sight, until the change makes me feel that i'm being mean.

i'm tring to learn that my feelings do matter and no i don't have to feel guilty for allow myself to my own feelings. i think that addicts are so use to everyone else being so focused on them that they too have to learn that its not all about them. being fresh out of rehab, there is still a lot of discovering self to be done. maybe your bf's thinking is not all that clear yet. it takes awhile for the addict to change their way of thinking and that takes a lot of recovery work. rehab is the starting point.

i hope your bf is not back to using but it is possible. sounds like a lot of quacking and a bit of blame. you are not wrong and i pray that you stick to your boundaries. you are right, you have a right to take care of you. seems his hanging up on you was manipulative. a way to get you back in line so that you would be more apt to forget about you and your boundaries and except him without change. i pray that i'm wrong and that he hasn't used, but i don't think that you could mess up his head and make him want to use. his using will be because of the decisions that he makes for himself. not your fault. your are responsible only for you and the way you feel.jmop
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Old 03-20-2007, 06:39 AM
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let it grow!
 
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practice practice practice! blessings, k
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Old 03-20-2007, 07:15 AM
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cmc
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Hi,
The replies here are great. I try to stop, think and then choose how to react. I then remember that even if I make a choice that is not in my best interest, I can always change my mind. I give myself that right to choose and remember that nothing is set in cement. It takes alot of pressure off and gives so much freedom to do 'the next right thing' as they say in the rooms.
Please be patient with yourself- this new way of doing things can take a little getting used to! You are doing great.
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Old 03-20-2007, 08:12 AM
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remember to breathe
 
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maybe just maybe deep down its not guilt but a feeling of how dare I let him make me feel this way. that is what I went through for awhile til I figured it out. I felt so guilty for things that had to be done then I realized it was because I felt as though I allowed someone who was totally at fault to make me feel this way about me and my actions.
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