RBC1074

Iam very new to this and I havent really made my list yet and I can see that I have a long way to go. I will be working on my list today. Iam haveing a very hard time detaching myself from my husband right now I still have tons of questions and who know's if I will ever get the truthful answers out of him or not.
#1 on my list is to take one day at a time so far.

wayconfused

I have been reading all of your post on here for a month or so now. Looking for answers \ advice. I guess I should start by saying the A in my life is my husband. We have been together since I was 16 now 34. He is addicted to pills. Or should I say drugs (cocaine, crack, pain pills ,muscle relaxers, xanax, etc...). I have been detaching my self or should I say trying. I have begged him to stop, I got him into rehab (only lasted a week). He would \ does say he will stop. But ,then its the same thing over again the next day. He has no respect for me. Or our kids. He has wrecked about 6 cars. And fights me all the time cause now I refuse to let him take my car. I really don't know what to do anymore. He makes me feel so guilty. Like I am wrong for wanting more out of life. If I could ask you all something .HOW DO YOU GET OVER THAT FEELING OF GUILT? And how do you stop worring if their okay? If I could ever lose that feeling, I would have it aced. I already know there is nothing I can do for him until he chooses to quit for himself.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I fell stuck with no way out.

wayconfused

I am new at this... But, I have been reading all of your post on here for a month or so now. Looking for answers \ advice. I guess I should start by saying the A in my life is my husband. We have been together since I was 16 now 34. He is addicted to pills. Or should I say drugs (cocaine, crack, pain pills ,muscle relaxers, xanax, etc...). I have been detaching my self or should I say trying. I have begged him to stop, I got him into rehab (only lasted a week). He would \ does say he will stop. But ,then its the same thing over again the next day. He has no respect for me. Or our kids. He has wrecked about 6 cars. And fights me all the time cause now I refuse to let him take my car. I really don't know what to do anymore. He makes me feel so guilty. Like I am wrong for wanting more out of life. If I could ask you all something .HOW DO YOU GET OVER THAT FEELING OF GUILT? And how do you stop worring if their okay? If I could ever lose that feeling, I would have it aced. I already know there is nothing I can do for him until he chooses to quit for himself.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I fell stuck with no way out.

rayofsunshine

Welcome to SR Wayconfused. If you'll use the "new thread" button at the bottom of the main forum and start a new thread on yourself, you'll get lots of replies and encouragement. Glad you found us, you're among others who know
just what you're going thru.

greatgirl32

For me, detachment has also included physically detaching from my xabf. It has also included:

1. not phoning him to apologize for accusing him of using

2. not doubting my gut and inner voice

3. loving myself again first

4. knowing I can find a more stable and loving relationship when I am ready

thejunkyswife

I blogged about this website today...I find your lists to be so inspiring that I decided to start my own. It's short, but I'm new at this:

1. I will not lie to protect him or to cover for the consequences of his using.
2. I will not give him money, ever, under any circumstances.
3. I will not let him use my car.

I am finding the process of using my blog to be really helpful for dealing with everything that I'm going through and with everything that I'm watching him go through. I would love to have feedback from any of the rest of you. I'm not allowed to post links yet, but my website is thejunkyswife.blogspot.com.

sun daisy

Great Site- Son got out of detox thought he was going to halfwayhome. Went to family group meeting - it was about what an addict is and how they can get their act together and steps for them to do it. However his plans were different. Hubby and I told him that he couldnt come home. I have read many of the post and decided that i will start a journal and I really like everyones rules and boundries. I have started my own. Also realize that it will be a long haul to detach from son and get on with my life. I have posted in the forum for Friends and Family of Sub. abusers. Not alot, so will probably get more active there. I will be checking back here and reminding myself with the many suggestions. Please keep them coming. I will add them to my journal. Thanks.

Pilgrim

I will not check his cell to see who his latest woman is
I will not believe him anymore
I will trust my instincts

I work with him - I am his boss. Any suggestions about that? 3000 miles is not far enough and I have to see him every day. I hired him because he was out of a job. I am the queen of codependants.

honeycs

wow a long road ahead....I have opened a seperate bank account
it's difficult listening to his jabber and not responding....i always feel under attack
i don't beleive much that he says....then again...what about trust isn't that a important part of a relationship.....oh wait he is not participating
a long.....road...I'll need all the support I can get
Thanks for all the great information

venusinlibra

My list:

1. Live in the now and quit staring at the past.
2. Don't let his emotional and verbal abuse affect how I feel about myself
3. Focus on today, my present, and my future, where he is a part of it or not
4. Don't take responsibility for his actions, let him figure it out himself
5. Don't be afraid to let go, if necessary know that I walk away with love
6. At all times, know that I deserve love, respect, and compassion
7. Listen to what he has to say, don't give advice, and look for outside support and comfort thru friends.

brainworks

This is my day 1 - I decided today to get help for myself about my relationship to my son and his and his wife ~ who are addicted to crack and heroin....by this I mean, time to detach. I am reading the lists and will start one myself.....first of all...
I will not give them "gas" money no matter how empty the tank is.
I will not drug test them any longer. (they taint the urine)
I will not interfer or be present during legal proceedings
I will not be responsible for the unborn child my daughter in law is carrying.
I will respect my husband's wishes for me to seek help for this problem.
I will take care of what I need for my teenage daughters and husband and let my 35 year old son live his life as he chooses.
I will pray for strength during this most difficult time.
I will embrace help during this most difficult time.

teke

oops

teke

today, i kind of live in detach mode even though rah is now clean and i'm kinda feeling like he kind of has a clue, but i still do a lot of praying.

i don't lean or give money for anything, no cigs, no gas, no busfare, no bail, no anything. i keep raman noodles in the cabnets just in case.

i don't believe anything he says so i don't ask questions.

i let his recovery be his to own and i choose to focus on my own
i'm self sufficient and don't HAVE TO depend on him for anything

when all else fails i seperate and have no problem doing so.

LetGo15

Well I broke off my relationship with my abf. Here is what I am and will continue to work with.

1. I will not make excuses for him. If he owes someone money and they call me I give then his number and tell them not to call me anymore.

2. Realize that everything he say is a manipulation and or lie to get me back into the relationship so he can continue to use without being responsible for his own actions.

3. No money, no where not for ANY reason even jail.

4. Changed my message on my phone not to accept messages. I have caller ID, I can call people I need to talk to back. My phone no longer is his vehicle to abuse me verbally.

5. Work on me EVERYDAY and stay focused on my recovery from this relationship.

6. Let go and let God.




I know there is more but those were just a few.

You all are so inspirational!

HKAngel24

I am still working on mine...
But here are a few to start...

1. I will not write pages and pages of letters to him documenting my feelings, never knowing whether or not he cares to read them.
2. I will not allow my feelings to be invalidated.
3. I will not accept the blame for the way that he feels.
4. I will examine the ways in which I help him, to determine whether or not I am enabling him.
5. I will not take responsiblity for his mistakes or feel that I need to "fix" them.
6. I will try to slow down and not react with such urgency or emotion.
7. I will remind myself as often as I can that I am not in control of anyone but myself.
8. I will not revolve my life around him and his schedule.
9. I will not offer long-winded advice to him. Either he wants this or he doesn't. I MUST realize that nothing I say or do will make a difference.
10. I will try to work on myself, despite how frightening it is.
11. I will not settle for being treated with anything less than respect and compassion.
12. I will stop second guessing myself.

laketime

i am so new to trying to detach from my as that i will definitely have to work on what i can do and what i cant. i dont think i know yet.

lorellee

I am also new to this and learning. I have already gotten to the detachment part. It has ONLY taken me about 9 months!! My addict is my daughter.

To Mungg, sometimes you have to get really angry. This may sound bad, but this is what it took for me. Put down on paper what you are doing for them, how much time you invest. Separate piece of paper, write down what you have done for yourself lately and how much time invested.

When you are done, ask yourself the last time your son said thank you for any of the things on his sheet of paper. This is what I had to do with my daughter and it worked. I got very angry and have since learned to set boundaries.

Sometimes to love them, is to let them go!! If you are not physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy, what can you really do for him?

Setting boundaries has also allowed me to love my daughter wholeheartedly instead of resenting her. I now resent the disease.

parentrecovers

i will set a good example for my daughter by attending alanon and working my own 12 step program.

i will show my daughter how much i love and respect her by allowing her to make her own decisions and have/own her own rewards and consequences.

i'll support my husband in his recovery by being a good listener and frequent hugger

i'll admit when i make mistakes and have patience with myself, remembering this is all about progress, not perfection.

great thread! thank you, k

splendra

I have gotten very detached from my H. I just stopped trying to get him to see what I see. I realize if all the effort I have put into trying to get him to change hasn't changed him then why bother...

I feel better and so does he...