how do you detach?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Kelowna,Canada B.C.
Posts: 46
I'm still batling detaching,but I have made my mind up about this..This is for my oldest son,the othere son comes later
1 i will not give my son any money
2 I will not listen to abuse on the phone I will hung up
3 I will not get stuff out of pawn shop no matter what.
4 I will give him back his bank card it he blow his rent that is his problem
5 I will not drive by his place to see if he is home
6 I will not listen to his lies or belive any thing he tells me.
7 I will not run over when he calls and teelhe is soooooooooo depresse
8 I will not be used any more.
9 I Will let him grow up at 37
:bigeyes:
1 i will not give my son any money
2 I will not listen to abuse on the phone I will hung up
3 I will not get stuff out of pawn shop no matter what.
4 I will give him back his bank card it he blow his rent that is his problem
5 I will not drive by his place to see if he is home
6 I will not listen to his lies or belive any thing he tells me.
7 I will not run over when he calls and teelhe is soooooooooo depresse
8 I will not be used any more.
9 I Will let him grow up at 37
:bigeyes:
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
I detached by realizing that everything that was important to me was apparently not important to him and me believing that it should be was futile, weighty, and not going to get it.
By understaning that he was his own person and had to be responsible for his own actions and had to suffer his own consequences for his choices.
By understanding that my well-being was very necessary to my own survival.
By realizing that I could not control his actions or his feeling nor force him to take care of himself.
By understanding that addiction is a very powerful thing.
By knowing that if I did not separate from him, his trouble was going to come knocking on my door.
By understanding that verbal, mental and emotional abuse were not an option for me nor our daughter.
That was a few things that I dug up from the grave yard!!!!!!!
By understaning that he was his own person and had to be responsible for his own actions and had to suffer his own consequences for his choices.
By understanding that my well-being was very necessary to my own survival.
By realizing that I could not control his actions or his feeling nor force him to take care of himself.
By understanding that addiction is a very powerful thing.
By knowing that if I did not separate from him, his trouble was going to come knocking on my door.
By understanding that verbal, mental and emotional abuse were not an option for me nor our daughter.
That was a few things that I dug up from the grave yard!!!!!!!
suffering is not a requirement
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: rising above the ashes
Posts: 147
On A daily Basis I am detaching....
Since I have Three A's in my life I have alot of detaching to do! To me, detachment doesn't mean I don't love them, doesn't mean I have to leave them but I certainly don't have to love what they do. Their feelings are their feelings and mine are mine.
Their problems are their problems and mine are mine. I own my feelings and problems and they own theirs. I don't have to sit by the phone waiting for the bad news about my son. I don't feel guilty when I don't give him that lousy two dollars. I don't have to be in a bad mood because their in a bad mood. I don't have to stay up all night worrying about them all. I can take care of myself and my recovery. I can set boundaries. I can let Go and Let God take care of them and Ditto to what every one else said! Iamunique.....You all are the BEST!
Their problems are their problems and mine are mine. I own my feelings and problems and they own theirs. I don't have to sit by the phone waiting for the bad news about my son. I don't feel guilty when I don't give him that lousy two dollars. I don't have to be in a bad mood because their in a bad mood. I don't have to stay up all night worrying about them all. I can take care of myself and my recovery. I can set boundaries. I can let Go and Let God take care of them and Ditto to what every one else said! Iamunique.....You all are the BEST!
A little south of sane
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: "For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
Posts: 177
1. I will not pay his bills, bail, tickets or fines.
2. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
3. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
4. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
5. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
6. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
7. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
8. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
9. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
10 I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
sigh
2. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
3. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
4. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
5. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
6. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
7. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
8. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
9. I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
10 I will not fall for his stories that end up with me giving him money.
sigh
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Lafayette, Louisiana
Posts: 2
Oh my god, I never knew how much we all have in common! This is like reading the Bible for me! I'm so new and so confused and it's so nice to know there are practical steps we can take. I'll be printing these suckers out! 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Buffalo Grove, IL
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by bumarumraisin
Oh my god, I never knew how much we all have in common! This is like reading the Bible for me! I'm so new and so confused and it's so nice to know there are practical steps we can take. I'll be printing these suckers out!
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Glad this one came back around.
Mine is that I can tell my son "I love you very much, you're so smart, and I know you're going to find your way.... and no, I won't contribute to your bail fund"
Mine is that I can tell my son "I love you very much, you're so smart, and I know you're going to find your way.... and no, I won't contribute to your bail fund"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Desert Hot Springs, CA
Posts: 3
How to you detach?
Mungg...I cannot detach from my Son either..and today it's such awakening,not a shocking one..because what did I think for a year that his addiction and problems were going to go away?? I guess that's what I thought because this last date that I visited this site was 10/29/2003. And for that past year my mental health has been so much better, my codependent issues...gone, my constant worrying and wondering...gone.
But see all of these thing were still there , they were just waiting for my Son's releade from prison on Oct 13 2004. The first couple of weeks were ok..Didn't see any of the ole signs..But surenuf here it came...A baggie hanging out of his shorts?/ I question him..ah It's nothing just a bag..Then it's off to going over to friends houses for the entire day and when he does return he finds things to do where I can't see him. Clean room .yard work ect. And it's back to the ole sleeping until 2 pm . I'm not new to Alanon or naranon .. Started my own group for a while.. was rewarding for sure..But man I'm not ready for another go around with this.I don't think I'm strong enough this time.
When he left for prison he looked just like that a prisoner that you'd have seen from WW2 a walking stick.. Now hes gained weight for sure ..but for how long.
How I appreciate the warmth and closeness that comes from sharing and being there for others that is so important for all of us that are tring to find our way.
I told him last week..I will not police you..but you are on Parole and I know they don't fool around and give chances. Please know that I'm saying this because I love You & that I do know how hard it is to be good. It's no fun being good. .
I can only pray & Give it to God ...again.
Thanks for listening. How Grateful I am today.
S.
But see all of these thing were still there , they were just waiting for my Son's releade from prison on Oct 13 2004. The first couple of weeks were ok..Didn't see any of the ole signs..But surenuf here it came...A baggie hanging out of his shorts?/ I question him..ah It's nothing just a bag..Then it's off to going over to friends houses for the entire day and when he does return he finds things to do where I can't see him. Clean room .yard work ect. And it's back to the ole sleeping until 2 pm . I'm not new to Alanon or naranon .. Started my own group for a while.. was rewarding for sure..But man I'm not ready for another go around with this.I don't think I'm strong enough this time.
When he left for prison he looked just like that a prisoner that you'd have seen from WW2 a walking stick.. Now hes gained weight for sure ..but for how long.
How I appreciate the warmth and closeness that comes from sharing and being there for others that is so important for all of us that are tring to find our way.
I told him last week..I will not police you..but you are on Parole and I know they don't fool around and give chances. Please know that I'm saying this because I love You & that I do know how hard it is to be good. It's no fun being good. .
I can only pray & Give it to God ...again.
Thanks for listening. How Grateful I am today.
S.
suffering is not a requirement
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: rising above the ashes
Posts: 147
Thought I would dust this off..Detachment...Priceless!
I was doing a little rummaging, And look what I found!It's an oldie but goodie!
I'm still practicing this Detachment thing, but I've gotten alot better at it.
I just realized how I am so much calmer then I used to be. Because I've learned to keep the focus on me and let them handle their own business.
HUGS TO ALL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Glendora, Ca
Posts: 5
I am in the very beginnings of baby steps-still have the crazies a bit and I HATE IT.
I will not see him EVERY day, if he wants to spend time together he can sacrifice his time to make it happen.
I will stop assuming,guessing, and wondering where he is really going when he wants to leave early, or the real reason he was so tired this morning when he was up till the wee hours the previous night.
I will NOT go through his phone to find those unmarked numbers anymore-if he's using again then God will reveal in due time. (that one is killing me right now)
I will stick to my boundaries-I'm not sure if the one I have in mind is realistic so this one is still in its test phases
*question* we aren't married or engaged, coming up on a year. He is taking working on it and staying away from his addiction (at least it seems so)-but who knows if there will be a next time (only God)-do I end it until he gets better?? do I stay until he gets better. I just don't know what to do here!!
I will keep attending alanon-and find a naranon soon and working on ME.
I will work diligently to forgive, FORGET, stop rubbing the past in his face. He IS working for the better.
I will be patient
I will not see him EVERY day, if he wants to spend time together he can sacrifice his time to make it happen.
I will stop assuming,guessing, and wondering where he is really going when he wants to leave early, or the real reason he was so tired this morning when he was up till the wee hours the previous night.
I will NOT go through his phone to find those unmarked numbers anymore-if he's using again then God will reveal in due time. (that one is killing me right now)
I will stick to my boundaries-I'm not sure if the one I have in mind is realistic so this one is still in its test phases
*question* we aren't married or engaged, coming up on a year. He is taking working on it and staying away from his addiction (at least it seems so)-but who knows if there will be a next time (only God)-do I end it until he gets better?? do I stay until he gets better. I just don't know what to do here!!
I will keep attending alanon-and find a naranon soon and working on ME.
I will work diligently to forgive, FORGET, stop rubbing the past in his face. He IS working for the better.
I will be patient
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
how to detach??
Isn't it amazing how much they all have in common?
Do you want to talk disappointment? My son just got out of prison in April. While there he so many plans on how and what he was going to do upon release. We are building a home and he was going to come here in just a couple of weeks to do our stonework and all the finish work inside. Although we had a builder we told him our son was going to be doing all the floors, pavers, stonework, finishwork, etc.
Now look what's happened again! He let us down once again by doing drugs and although he says he's fine and can do the work, we cannot take the chance of having him here in our home.
He was going to be making at least $10,000 if he did everything listed. He was going to use the money to pay down his child support and also get his contractors license back. Now all is lost in the name of drugs!
Makes me so sad and feeling so helpless again
Hugs, Devastated
Do you want to talk disappointment? My son just got out of prison in April. While there he so many plans on how and what he was going to do upon release. We are building a home and he was going to come here in just a couple of weeks to do our stonework and all the finish work inside. Although we had a builder we told him our son was going to be doing all the floors, pavers, stonework, finishwork, etc.
Now look what's happened again! He let us down once again by doing drugs and although he says he's fine and can do the work, we cannot take the chance of having him here in our home.
He was going to be making at least $10,000 if he did everything listed. He was going to use the money to pay down his child support and also get his contractors license back. Now all is lost in the name of drugs!
Makes me so sad and feeling so helpless again
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: on the road
Posts: 110
My ad is in detox right now. Day 5. Round 10 or 11? I will not be consumed with her recovery. She either wants it or she doesn't. This does not mean I don't love her. I am almost surprised how that hasn't changed. I will not give her money. I will not make decisions for her. I will not let her live in my home if active addiction returns.
jeepgirl
jeepgirl
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 80
I have to go to bed, so dont have time to write them all down,
I dont go past the apartment anymore.
I dont talk about addiction all day anymore.
I dont cry over everything anymore.
I dont do favors anymore.
I do feed him!!!
I Do Love him!!!! That Brother of mine!!!!
hugs,
sisofD
I dont go past the apartment anymore.
I dont talk about addiction all day anymore.
I dont cry over everything anymore.
I dont do favors anymore.
I do feed him!!!
I Do Love him!!!! That Brother of mine!!!!
hugs,
sisofD
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
I won't listen to her messages on my answering machine
I won't call her back.
I won't visit her.
I won't fall for her excuse of buying a burial plot and that I need to contact her so I'll know her funeral plans, just like my grandfather. He also wrote it all down. She could do that too.
If it's an emergency the nursing home can call me.
I won't call her back.
I won't visit her.
I won't fall for her excuse of buying a burial plot and that I need to contact her so I'll know her funeral plans, just like my grandfather. He also wrote it all down. She could do that too.
If it's an emergency the nursing home can call me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
